How to Support Your Child When They Come Out

Parents want the best for their children. Parents also do not always have the right answer. That’s okay! That’s where we come in. If you aren’t sure what to do if or when your child comes out to you, this article is a good starting point. The most important thing you can do is validate your child’s experience and make sure they know you love them no matter how they identify. 

WHAT TO DO

• Thank them for trusting you with this vulnerable information (e.g., their feelings, disclosure, identity, etc.) 

• Listen to understand, not to respond 

• Ask how you can best support them. They may not know immediately, but it’s important that they know you want to support them and are open for feedback

• Read up more about the identity they have shared with you. Organizations like Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) are a great resource

• Make sure they know that you love them and that your love is not conditional

• Ask for help! If you leave a coming out conversation with your child feeling like your head is spinning, try to find a support resource that will work for you. Maybe that looks like attending a PFLAG meeting, reaching out to a sexuality educator or family therapist who specializes in working with LGTBQ+ individuals, or cruising vetted online forums. There are tons of resources for people just like you; you’re not alone! *There is a contingency with whom you can ask for help. See below for elaboration.  

WHAT NOT TO DO: 

• Avoid saying,“I knew it!” or any variation thereof, even if you did have a hunch. This is a vulnerable moment for your child and they probably had to work up immense courage to tell you. If you say you already knew, it deflates the emotional labor they put in to be able to tell you. 

• Do not say, “you’re too young to know!”. First of all, youth do know what their truth is right now and they have just told it to you. It does no one any good for you to try to dispute their feelings because feelings can’t be wrong. Children generally know their gender identity by age 5 and sexual orientation in later childhood/early teen hood. Please note, however, that these are not hard and fast “deadlines,” but touch-points-of-guidance. Maybe down the line they’ll identify differently and that’s normal, because sexuality is fluid. Either way, all you accomplish by saying this is invalidating them and making them lose trust in you. 

• If you have some internalized shame or beliefs that’s fine, almost everyone does. It’s how we’ve been societally conditioned. That being said, it is your issue to work through, not your child’s. Do not put those feelings on them. Avoid burdening your child with your own discomfort around non-straight orientations or non-cisgender gender identities. 

• Never pressure them to share more or to tell you anything they aren’t comfortable talking about. Let them come to you when they’re ready.

  *Definitely avoid telling anyone else before your child discloses to them or gives you explicit permission. Anyone else can include your partner(s), sibling(s), best friend,... it means no one. This is your child’s information to share and theirs alone. 

When a child is coming out to you, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed or unsure exactly what to say. It makes sense if you want to do the best for your child and feel insecure at the same time. Don’t make this out to be more than it is; that will only make you and your child uncomfortable and/or more anxious. At the end of the day, let them do the talking, respond with love and validation, and the rest will follow. The only thing left to do is for you to stock up on rainbow clothing!

4 Things to Include In Your At-Home Sex Education

A majority of schooling is now remote, and many parents and educators have adapted to new methods of teaching. While some may view this as a deterrent to learning, it can also be an opportunity to refine curricula and make education more inclusive. Sex education is a wonderful place to start. 

Only 30 U.S. states require sex education and only 17 of those states require it to be medically accurate. This is not an encouraging number considering that if students do not receive scientifically accurate sex education, they may be inclined to go to the internet to learn, and information on the internet is not always accurate. 

Here are some things to keep in mind when teaching sex education at home:

1. Use Inclusive Language When Referring to Gender Identity and Sexual/Romantic Orientation

It is critical to use language and provide information that is inclusive of all individuals’ gender identities and sexual/romantic orientations when teaching sex ed at home. This means making sure that the content you are teaching shares information that pertains to LGBTQ+ youth. Young people deserve to see their identities represented.

Since only 6 U.S. states require sex education to be LGBTQ+ inclusive and 7 require only negative information to be taught about homosexuality, many students are missing important information that not only validates their identity, but also teaches safer sex that is applicable to their lives. Furthermore, curricula that center the experiences of LGBTQ+ youth is actually encompassing to all youth. Conversations surrounding contraceptive options and barrier methods such as dental dams, as well as internal and external condoms to prevent the transmission of STIs are important for everyone. Introducing terms that reflect sexual diversity normalizes the variety of identities people can hold and helps youth understand what they mean. Promoting allyship and acceptance helps youth understand the variety of ways people experience attraction, both romantically and sexually, encourages them to think about their own gender expression, gender identity, and how that identity may be similar or different from their sex assigned at birth.

By teaching and modeling inclusive language during your at-home sex education, children will understand that including or making fun of peers based on their identities is harmful and stigmatizing. Stigma can lead LGBTQ+ youth to be at risk of a variety of negative health outcomes including higher rates of STIs, unwanted pregnancy, and suicide attempts.

2. Broaden the Conversation From Just Sex

When speaking with children about sexuality, it is also important to speak about healthy relationships and connections with others. A 2018 article published by Harvard University stresses the importance of teaching processes to care for one another in order for students to learn how to both support a partner in a relationship and engage in a healthy relationship. 

The National Sexual Education Standards emphasize these themes as well. The standards define a healthy relationship as, “a relationship between individuals that consists of mutual respect, trust, honesty, support, fairness/equity, separate identities, physical and emotional safety, and good communication.” The theme of healthy relationships is constant in these standards, but  the topics differ by grade, so it can be helpful to look through their guidelines for support.

SIECUS, an organization focusing on sex ed for social change, also emphasizes the importance of including topics of communication and healthy relationships in sex education. 

A good place to begin is the concept of mutuality. Mutuality is the ability to make decisions with a partner and understand and address their concerns or wishes. It is extremely important to teach youth the importance of open communication within both sexual and non-sexual relationships.

For example, let’s say a child is going to the park with their friend. Their friend wants to play on the monkey bars and they want to play soccer on the field. The child can explain why they want to play soccer and their friend can explain why they want to play on the monkey bars. The children can then reach a compromise and say that they will spend 30 minutes doing each activity. By reaching a compromise the child is learning the importance of having conversations and making compromises in relationships. This teaches children fairness and models the ability to adapt.

Talk to your kids about what a healthy relationship looks like. Not all healthy relationships look the same, but some aspects of healthy relationships are adaptability, open communication, trust, and curiosity. Kids look up to adults, so by giving them concrete examples as well as tools, they will likely be able to understand just what a healthy relationship looks like. A good way to teach your children about healthy relationships is by modeling, aka by watching you. Your children will inevitably end up imitating you in some way, so by modeling these healthy behaviors, your children will learn by observing. 

An example of modeling trust in a relationship is honoring your word to take your children to the park. If you say you are going to take your child to the park after school, do it so that they can see the importance of trust in a relationship.

3. Emphasize Pleasure

The majority of sex ed curricula focus on the prevention of STIs, HIV and pregnancy. Sex education can also emphasize the importance of pleasure in sexual interactions.

UNESCO, The United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization, recommends teaching children about pleasure stating that “sexual feelings, fantasies and desires are natural and not shameful.” This is something that is currently not spoken about in a majority of sex ed programs. 

The reality is that many people are having sex for pleasure, so emphasize the importance of pleasure, to create a more open and honest educational environment.

The concept of pleasure does not need to be purely sexual. Let’s go back to the park example. The two children were compromising and learning the skill of mutuality, but they were also making room for each other to do something pleasurable. Teaching children about pleasure can help them in their current daily lives, as well as one day in their sexual relationships. There is a link between both pleasure and happiness and pleasure and motivation, so by learning the value of consent, children can begin to prioritize pleasure in their own lives. 

4. Prioritize Consent

A large gap in sex education curricula is teaching about consent. Only 9 U.S. states require the importance of consent during sexual activities be covered in sex education. Sex without consent is sexual assault, yet consent is not spoken about in a majority of classrooms. 

When teaching sex education at home, remember to prioritize consent. Assault can lead to mental illness such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Consent is a key ingredient in sexual pleasure. To learn more about consent read our latest blog post, “The Importance of Consent During a Pandemic.”

Teaching consent in sex education will not only help children when it comes to sexual respect and safety but will help with their overall respect for others as well. For any situation, it is important to make sure that both parties are consenting to any activity being done. 

A simple way to teach consent is through the behavior of drinking tea with a friend. Here is an example.

You offer your friend a cup of tea...“would you care for a cup of tea?”

If they respond saying, “Of course! Thank you! I would love a cup of tea!” they are consenting to you giving them tea. If they respond with “I am not sure,” you can ask them a follow-up question or assume that “I am not sure” really means “no”.  And if you made the tea and they then decided they didn’t want to drink it, you cannot and should not encourage them to drink it. In this case, your friend is open to the idea of tea but has not yet consented to drinking it. If they reply, “no thank you” then they do not want tea and you should not make it for them. In this case, they are not consenting to drinking tea.

You can also use the idea of Ask, Listen, Respect to teach younger children about consent. 

The National Sexual Education Standards (NSES) also include content focused on consent. The NSES recommend beginning conversations about consent in kindergarten by focusing on the idea of bodily autonomy, which is the right for each person to govern what happens to their body without external influence or coercion. They aim to lay the groundwork for understanding sexual relationships later on, as well as ensuring a safer classroom environment.

Here is a video by Amaze if you want to learn more about consent.

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Looking for some extra support to guide your conversations with your children? Checkout our latest e-course here.

Here are some resources from Planned Parenthood to guide you through the process of teaching sex education. These resources include an online chat feature, digital education tools such as quizzes and games, and videos about consent.

SIECUS has some wonderful resources sorted by age range as well! There are resources for younger children beginning at age 4, resources for young adults, and resources for parents and caregivers. 

Remember that remote learning is new for a lot of people, so it is a-okay if the words you share are not perfect. The key thing is that you are teaching important and engaging topics. You don’t have to strive for perfection, instead strive for smaller moments of learning and growth.

Photo credit: Dainis Graveris on Sexual Alpha

The Danger of Gender Reveal Parties

The term “gender reveal party” has recently been trending due to an uncontrolled California wildfire caused by one of these events. Many are now wondering if we should even be having these parties at all. Here are some of the dangers of gender reveal parties. 

What you are revealing is the child’s assigned sex, not their gender

Just the name of gender reveal parties are inaccurate. Gender and sex are often used interchangeably, when in fact they have different meanings. Gender is the socially constructed set of roles and behaviors that influence how we identify ourselves and others. Gender identity is fluid, meaning that there are gender identities that do not fit into our preconceived notions of woman and man, such as non-binary,  genderqueer, two-spirit, and more. Sex assigned at birth, on the other hand, refers to the biological makeup of a person. Sex assigned at birth refers to a combination of chromosomes, genitalia, internal reproductive organs, sex hormones, gametes, and secondary sex characteristics. While sex assigned at birth can be determined before and during birth, gender cannot. 

They place children within the binary

These parties do not only misrepresent what gender is, but they place children in the gender binary before they are born. When we place children in the binary, we don’t only take away much of their ability to grow and explore their own gender identity, but we teach them that the binary is the norm. But the binary is not the norm anymore. A 2017 study reported that 0.73% of American teenagers self-identify as transgender nationwide. About 25-35% of those that are transgender identify as non-binary, meaning that they do not identify with either gender. 

If we begin to go beyond the binary, we can give our future children the ability to decide how they want to express themselves and identify. Parents can give their children a diversity of choices and opportunities to develop their gender identity. Rather than giving children who are assigned female at birth “feminine” toys, provide them with a range of toys to play with so that they can see what they enjoy for themselves. Not all “girls” like dolls and not all “boys” like sports. And maybe your child isn’t a girl or a boy, and that is okay. But give your children room to grow on their own. 

They perpetuate gender stereotypes 

Parents should let their children discover who they are without projecting their stereotypes of gender onto them. The blue or pink at a gender reveal represents more than assigned sex, it represents a childhood of constant stereotyping. When a parent reveals the assigned sex of their child, what follows is often a flood of gifts and advice relating to the child’s perceived gender. Like the toy example, gifts and advice are harmful because they assume that there are correct interests and life paths for a child based on their assigned sex. 

This leads to concepts such as the tomboy identity, culturally defined as a “girl” who acts like a “boy”. But why even have these stereotypes? Interests and behaviors should not be gendered, and by beginning to gender interests and behaviors before a child is born, parents perpetuate these gendered stereotypes that can be harmful to children trying to navigate their own identities. 

They are physically dangerous

Not only are these parties dangerous socially and culturally, but they are also dangerous physically. Last week, a family in California set off a “smoke-generating pyrotechnic device” which caused an ongoing fire in the California wilderness. This fire has continued to spread uncontrollably and California skies have turned orange due to the fire. This phenomenon of gender reveals causing physical injuries is not new, methods for the “big reveal” of a child’s assigned sex have caused physical injuries and disasters on many occasions. 

This isn’t to say that we should cancel parties honoring a future child. However, we should be careful about the language that we are using and refrain from defaulting to societal norms surrounding stereotypes and the idea of the binary.