Parents want the best for their children. Parents also do not always have the right answer. That’s okay! That’s where we come in. If you aren’t sure what to do if or when your child comes out to you, this article is a good starting point. The most important thing you can do is validate your child’s experience and make sure they know you love them no matter how they identify.
WHAT TO DO
Thank them for trusting you with this vulnerable information (e.g., their feelings, disclosure, identity, etc.)
Listen to understand, not to respond
Ask how you can best support them. They may not know immediately, but it’s important that they know you want to support them and are open for feedback
Read up more about the identity they have shared with you. Organizations like Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) are a great resource
Make sure they know that you love them and that your love is not conditional
Ask for help! If you leave a coming out conversation with your child feeling like your head is spinning, try to find a support resource that will work for you. Maybe that looks like attending a PFLAG meeting, reaching out to a sexuality educator or family therapist who specializes in working with LGTBQ+ individuals, or cruising vetted online forums. There are tons of resources for people just like you; you’re not alone! *There is a contingency with whom you can ask for help. See below for elaboration.
WHAT NOT TO DO:
Avoid saying,“I knew it!” or any variation thereof, even if you did have a hunch. This is a vulnerable moment for your child and they probably had to work up immense courage to tell you. If you say you already knew, it deflates the emotional labor they put in to be able to tell you.
Do not say, “you’re too young to know!”. First of all, youth do know what their truth is right now and they have just told it to you. It does no one any good for you to try to dispute their feelings because feelings can’t be wrong. Children generally know their gender identity by age 5 and sexual orientation in later childhood/early teen hood. Please note, however, that these are not hard and fast “deadlines,” but touch-points-of-guidance. Maybe down the line they’ll identify differently and that’s normal, because sexuality is fluid. Either way, all you accomplish by saying this is invalidating them and making them lose trust in you.
If you have some internalized shame or beliefs that’s fine, almost everyone does. It’s how we’ve been societally conditioned. That being said, it is your issue to work through, not your child’s. Do not put those feelings on them. Avoid burdening your child with your own discomfort around non-straight orientations or non-cisgender gender identities.
Never pressure them to share more or to tell you anything they aren’t comfortable talking about. Let them come to you when they’re ready.
*Definitely avoid telling anyone else before your child discloses to them or gives you explicit permission. Anyone else can include your partner(s), sibling(s), best friend,... it means no one. This is your child’s information to share and theirs alone.
When a child is coming out to you, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed or unsure exactly what to say. It makes sense if you want to do the best for your child and feel insecure at the same time. Don’t make this out to be more than it is; that will only make you and your child uncomfortable and/or more anxious. At the end of the day, let them do the talking, respond with love and validation, and the rest will follow. The only thing left to do is for you to stock up on rainbow clothing!
