Parenthood

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How to Tell Your Parents You Don’t Want Kids

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Even before COVID-19 hit in 2020, the United States’ birth rate has fallen every year since 2007, aside from 2014. The pandemic compounded this trend, with 2020 having the largest single-year drop in number of births in almost 50 years. A 2021 study from Pew Research Center found that 44% of non-parents ages 18-49 report it is unlikely or not at all likely they will have children. 

Between the climate crisis, rampant and rising gun violence, the COVID-19 pandemic, the ever-present wealth gap, or just wanting to enjoy one’s own life untethered to the immense responsibility of being a parent, more and more people are opting to be childfree. 

Though this attitude and choice might seem surprising to some, especially older generations, it is not such a mystery when looking at how challenging, complicated, and demanding our current world is, a state which plagues many young people with a sense of malaise and hopelessness. Despite how justified and understandable the malaise and hopelessness are, there can still be familial pressure to have kids from parents who had hoped to be grandparents. These two opposing perspectives can make for a contentious conversation that is difficult to know how to broach. Even if you are 100% certain that you want to be childfree by choice, justifying that in the face of the traditional mindset that “everyone wants to and should have kids” is not an easy task. Before even starting the conversation, it is important to remember that your decision has been made and your conversation with your family about it is not about convincing them that this is the best decision for you, rather it is an opportunity to share your feelings on the matter.

The specifics of how you approach the conversation will depend on your family dynamic and communication styles so you will need to adjust your approach based on that information, but this article will cover general considerations and strategies to make the conversation as productive as possible.

Think through what their concerns about you being childfree might be 

Some common objections family members may offer to your expression of wanting to be childfree are “is this because of something we did wrong?,” “who will care for you in your old age?,” or “having children was the best thing that happened to me, I don’t want you to miss out.” All three of these are likely rooted in much more complex emotions. Take for instance the question about whether they did something wrong to cause you to feel this way; that question could be rooted in anxiety that it is their fault you do not want to have kids. Being aware of some of their potential reasons for objecting is important in crafting how you approach them and assuage their concerns. Furthermore, understanding the “why” behind their objection can foster your empathy and compassion towards them which will make the conversation easier as well.  

Use “I” statements

Since your parents did make the decision to have kids, they might want to personalize your decision as being about them in some way, like a rejection or criticism of them. When you use “I” language, you are focused on expressing your feelings and what you want, rather than putting them on the defensive. For example, instead of saying “I don’t want to have kids because you traumatized me,” you could try “My mental health and ability to navigate challenging situations that would undoubtedly come up with children makes me feel like it’s not the right choice for me or my hypothetical children.”

Empathize with and respect your parents’ emotions

Many parents look forward to the opportunity to be a grandparent and the loss of this potential future role might cause legitimate grief. Try to remember that you have had time to think over your decision in depth and when you tell your parents for the first time, they will not have had that processing time yet. The initial shock might cause them to react more severely compared to after they have had time to digest it. Try to work with them to give them the space they need to process this news. Their disappointment is not a reason to change your mind, and it is not your responsibility to soothe them, but it is important to be mindful and respectful of their feelings.   

Offer resources about choosing to be childfree if they want to learn more about your choice

If your parents are not very familiar with being childfree by choice, the foreign concept can exacerbate how scary it sounds to them. Offering resources for further learning can show them that you are far from alone in your choice and the explanations might resonate with them more when they come from an author your parents have no emotional attachment to, unlike with you. Here are three recommended texts to share with them: 


Hopefully these tips will equip you to have a productive, thoughtful conversation with your parents about your choice to be childfree. Not wanting to have children is a perfectly legitimate and increasingly popular decision. Even if people like your parents disagree with your choice, it is not their prerogative to persuade you otherwise, and you are well within your rights to establish boundaries around the subject if they continually push their feelings onto you. Being surrounded by non-familial support systems is especially important before and after speaking to your parents about it. If you are struggling with preparing for or processing after the conversation, consider reaching out to a therapist.

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Considering Dating as a Single Parent? Here are 3 Tips to Consider

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Being a single parent is a tall order, to put it mildly. Add in the idea of dating, and it can be so overwhelming you don’t even know where to start. The good news is that you’re far from alone given that according to a 2019 Pew Research Center study found that the United States has the world’s highest rate of children in single-parent households. This means there are also plenty of tips and support from other single parents to be found out there. This article will offer an overview of some single parent dating tips, as well as additional resources to further your preparation. 

1) Upfront honesty is key

  • If you neglect to mention that you have a child(ren) in the beginning stages of talking to someone, there’s a bigger risk of wasting your time with someone who isn’t okay with that. Save yourself the anxiety and bring it up sooner rather than later.

2) Search for a partner before searching for a co-parent

  • Of course your child(ren) is your first priority so this might sound counterintuitive. This is not to say that you shouldn’t prioritize pursuing people who could potentially make a good parent, if that’s what you’re looking for. Rather, it is merely to say that you need to make sure someone will be good for you before you can judge whether or not they’re good for your child(ren). It might be tempting to try to focus on finding a parent for the sake of your child, especially when they start to question the absence of one of their parental figures, but you’re not dating for your kids (or if you are, you might not be ready to date). You’re dating for you first.

3) Consider what reasonable expectations look like for you, for your potential partner, and for a potential relationship

  • Some important things to think about are…

    • How much free time do you have?

    • How much mental capacity do you have available to give your energy to another person?

    • When, if ever, would you be comfortable with introducing your child(ren) to a partner?

    • How serious of a relationship do you want?

These are just a few things to think about before diving into dating. If you’re wanting to do more research and learn more about single parent dating, here are some additional resources:

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4 Ways to Support Your Child Through Gender Exploration

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Children begin to develop their innate sense of gender identity between the ages of 3 to 5 so it makes sense to start thinking about how to support them early on. Gender identity is one’s internal sense of gender, whether that’s woman, man, neither, or both. For most people, gender identity aligns with their sex assigned at birth but for some, like transgender and non-binary people, this is not the case. Gender expression is the outward presentation, via behavior, appearance, and other characteristics, of one’s internal sense of gender. Both identity and presentation are rife for exploration from a young age and it’s important to a young person’s development to have a strong support network. It’s okay to not know exactly what that might entail which is why we created this guide to get you started.

1) Create a safe, judgment-free, validating environment for gender exploration

Make it both explicitly and implicitly (through behavior) clear that your child can come to you with any questions or concerns about gender without fear of repercussion. Aside from explicitly telling them this, you will convey acceptance by “showing not telling” in how you treat others. Furthermore, adults sometimes have a tendency not to believe children about gender questioning because they’re “too young” but doing so will only alienate them from you. Validate their thoughts, questions, and concerns, and if you’re feeling out of your depth, consider consulting a psychologist if that’s financially feasible for you.

2) Teach your child how to respect others’ gender identity

This is an important step regardless of your child’s gender identity/presentation. That being said, it’s extra important if your child is displaying signs of not aligning with their sex at birth because it teaches them both how to respect others, and how others should be respecting them. Some examples of teaching your child to respect others’ gender are:

  • Introduce yourself with pronouns to encourage others to share theirs while in front of your child. With people you have an established relationship with, it may be appropriate to directly ask for their pronouns. However, with strangers, you don’t know if doing so puts them in an uncomfortable position by forcing them to out themselves or by them intentionally telling you the wrong pronouns (misgendering themselves) to avoid outing themselves in front of others.

  • Talking to your child about the idea that all gender expression is valid, regardless of whether or not it aligns with our idea of what someone of that gender “should” look like

  • Gently correct people when they misgender someone you know, and teach your child how to do so as well

  • Teach them about and debunk gender stereotypes, such as the idea that only women should cook and only men should be breadwinners

3) Introduce them to diverse media

4) If financially feasible, consider seeing a psychologist

  • If you’re feeling unequipped to assist your child in their exploration, the best thing you can do is give them tools to help. One such tool is finding a child psychologist, preferably specializing in gender. This person can be a resource not only for your child, but for you too, and they can give more specific advice for supporting your child.

By reading this article, you’ve already taken a step towards being a supportive of your child’s gender exploration. It’s okay to feel unequipped or unsure - gender is ambiguous and confusing even for the most expert among us. The most important part is making sure you cultivate an accepting and validating environment because if your child can’t even talk to you about their concerns, your involvement in their exploration has ended before it’s even begun.   

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