4 Tips for Introducing A New Name and Pronouns, from a Sexuality Educator

For some transgender and non-binary people, part of the coming out process includes letting your community know about a new name and/or pronouns. This can be a stressful proposition even for those in the most accepting environments so hopefully this guide will help you feel a bit more confident in your disclosure.

1) Assess whether it is safe to come out

• In a perfect world, everyone would be able to be called whatever makes them feel the most comfortable without alienation or abuse from those around them, but unfortunately, we do not live in a perfect world. Before deciding to come out, it would be wise to assess whether or not that’s a safe decision for you right now. It is painful to stay closeted, but being out is not worth trading your safety and mental wellbeing. If you aren’t sure whether or not it’s safe, perhaps try bringing up transgender people and pronouns in the abstract to gauge a reaction. 

• When dealing specifically with the workplace, despite the fact that in June 2020 the Supreme Court decided that “federal law prohibits anti-transgender discrimination in employment,” it’s important to keep in mind that that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be safe, especially when it comes to workplace harassment from coworkers. Illegal doesn’t mean impossible, unfortunately, and it’s important to keep your wellbeing in mind, not just your physical safety.

2) Practice with a trusted friend 

• If you’re fortunate to have someone you already know is accepting of transgender people in your life, try using them as a practice partner! An added bonus is practice with someone who knows the people you plan to come out to so they can give advice specific to those circumstances.

3) Express yourself clearly and simply

• There is still a deficit of understanding when it comes to using new names and pronouns so it would be wise to keep it as simple as possible. A sample script of what you might say is: “I identify as (gender) and as a result, I no longer feel that my name and/or pronouns suit me, so I’m now going by (name/pronouns. I understand it might be a difficult transition for you to call me this, but I would appreciate if you would try. If you still have questions, I’d be happy to share some resources with you.”  

4) Be ready to provide resources for further understanding

• Though the burden should not be on you to do so, you might have an easier time both with anxiety and the conversation itself if you feel prepared with research and additional reading for them to understand what you’re conveying to them.

  • Recommended Resources to share :

    1. Why We Ask Each Other Our Pronouns - Human Rights Campaign

    2. A Guide to Understanding Gender Identity and Pronouns

    3. Making a name for yourself: For trans people, it's 'life-changing'

    4. What Is Deadnaming and Why Is It Harmful?

    5. What are Gender Pronouns? Why Do They Matter?

    6. On The Importance Of Names

If you’re struggling to figure out whether or not coming out with a new name and/or pronouns is a good idea, or how to go about it, you might consider talking to a sex therapist like the ones at Embrace Sexual Wellness. This might be a challenge, but you don’t have to do it alone.

Tips for Talking With Young People About Sex

Sex can be a tricky and  uncomfortable conversation topic for  many people, especially when it comes to talking with young people. At the end of the day, the vast majority of young people will be curious about sex at some point; it’s far preferable for them to be equipped with accurate information about safer sex, boundary setting, and consent despite the associated discomfort. Furthermore, the only way anyone, adults and young people alike, can mitigate that discomfort and the taboo around sex is to open up these conversations. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of and unfortunately, in the United States, it’s often perceived as dirty and inappropriate. The reality is that it’s a fun and normal part of being human.

A foundational part of talking about sex,  like any complex subject, is to familiarize yourself with relevant terminology. Talking about sex with young people doesn’t mean you should go around talking to toddlers about explicit sex acts but there is a way to introduce the topic in a gradual, age-appropriate way that builds on itself. Starting to introduce proper terms like “penis,” “vulva,” “vagina,” “clitoris,” “buttocks,” and “nipples” even before a child is verbal is a great starting point. Though introducing these terms may feel uncomfortable, at the end of the day they’re simply names for body parts that everyone should get used to using. 

As kids get a little older, it is vital to help them get acquainted with the concepts of consent and boundaries, both within and outside a sexual context. Kids must be taught that no one has a right to their body and they have every right to say no to being touched in any way. This also works the other way, kids must be taught to respect other people’s consent and boundaries. 

It’s important to keep in mind that these days, as children are introduced to the internet earlier and earlier, they are more prone to being prematurely exposed to explicit content. This will inevitably prompt natural curiosity that the adults in their lives need to be prepared to address. 

As a young person gets closer to the onset of puberty, this is the a time to start discussing bodily changes, menstruation, and masturbation. There are plenty of books that cover these topics extensively that can be beneficial to both the child and adult in question. 

Ultimately, regular conversations with young people about sex and adjacent topics is a good way to ensure they’re equipped with the necessary information to make good decisions about their bodies and their sex lives (if and when they choose to have one).  

Having these conversations can certainly be daunting. That’s where we come in! Embrace Sexual Wellness has a program specifically aimed at helping parents and other caregivers be sex-positve role models for the children in their lives. To learn more about how you can start to feel prepared and empowered for these conversations, check out this link.

Sexuality Professionals Series: An Interview with Haley Hasen

Embrace Sexual Wellness is conducting a multipart spotlight series of interviews with sexuality professionals. If you missed the previous installments, check them out on our blog. For the final installment in our interviews, we spoke to Haley Hasen, educator and erotic laborer (Haley/Haley’s).

Haley Hasen is the founder of Haleyhasenuncensored, LLC. Haley is an artist, sex educator, certified crisis interventionist, erotic laborer, and sex toy enthusiast. Haley is involved with a federal work-study with RAINN, and is an art therapy intern at the nonprofit Clean and Sober Street based in DC. Haley is studying to receive a Master’s Degree in Art Therapy at George Washington University through a trauma-informed lens. 

Erotic labor refers to any kind of sex work. This could be stripping, full service sex work, selling erotic photographs and videos, or any other kind of work that involves sex or eroticism in some capacity. The word “prostitution” is an outdated and generally disparaging term which should be avoided unless someone explicitly identifies themself as such. Erotic labor is highly stigmatized which can make these careers risky because of the lack of safeguards and regulation. At the end of the day, everyone under capitalism has to sell some part of themselves and erotic laborers are no different. Erotic labor is an entirely legitimate and valid career that does not deserve the flack it receives.

What inspired you to pursue your career path? 
I feel I came about this career path while working on healing and unlearning my sexual trauma. I really appreciate Carl Jung's idea of being a "wounded healer." I hope to create a safer space for individuals to be able to process, heal and unlearn aspects of themselves. I decided to do erotic labor as a way to reclaim my autonomy and sensuality after my sexual trauma. I wanted to have full control over that identity and I feel empowered by this aspect.   

How does your field differ from that of other sexuality professionals?
My field is different due to what I choose to disclose, educate, and advocate for. I am working within the here and now framework. I am also transparent in certain spaces about my identity as an erotic laborer; however, in most spaces I keep this identity hidden due to societal views and protection of myself. I feel I overlap in all aspects of myself and I try to formulate a truer self with one identity instead of being a multi-hat person. 

What is the most rewarding part of your career?
Empowering and creating a safer and healing space for sex workers and individuals who have and are experiencing sexual trauma. I enjoy learning from others and how they present themselves in these spaces. 

What's the most misunderstood thing about what you do?
I am not always turned on and I do not only think about sex. Furthermore, while I have gone through trauma that is not the reason I entered this space. I entered it to empower and reclaim aspects of me that were taken away without my consent. 

What's the most common question you receive from others about your career?
”Can you teach me how to have sex?” is usually peoples’ go-to question on various dating apps and it always makes me roll my eyes. 

What advice would you want to share with aspiring sexuality professionals?
You cannot educate everyone! I learned this from a dear colleague, Lindsay Wynn. 

If you had to describe your work in one sentence, what would you say?
Relevant.

Is there anything you’d like to add? 
Pay, support and uplift Black and Brown Trans Sex Workers; they are the foundation of the sexuality field and are rarely credited. 

Thank you to Haley for sharing their knowledge and expertise with us! We encourage you to visit Haley’s social media and websites, linked below. 

• Instagram: @haleyhasenuncensored

• Website: haleyhasen.com