Curious About Differences in Desire? Here Are 3 Tips to Address Desire Discrepancy

Desire discrepancy is when the libidos of people in a relationship do not align. The two types of libido are responsive and spontaneous which differ in how your desire for sex is initiated. People with responsive desire experience physical arousal before mental desire, whereas those with spontaneous desire experience mental desire first and then the physical arousal. Mental desire is being turned on in your mind and wanting (either hypothetically or literally) sexual stimulation, while physical arousal manifests in your body such as getting an erection.

This binary of responsive versus spontaneous is helpful for understanding how one’s personal experience of libido compares relative to others; however, that is not to say that this type of libido is fixed or exists strictly in black or white. While many people do tend towards one or the other, libido is flexible and can change with time, age, relationship status, and more. Neither type is better or worse, nor anything that needs to be fixed, but having this information about oneself can be helpful in successfully navigating a healthy sex life.

Though there is nothing inherently wrong with either type, it of course can be frustrating if your desire type doesn’t align with the person/people you’re having sex with. This is what we call desire discrepancy. If this is something you’re struggling with, consider some of these approaches:

Explore non-sexual intimacy

• Physical intimacy can take many, many forms and getting creative is a good way to feel more physically connected with your sexual partner(s). Massages, cuddling, backscratching, and hugging are all great options for non-sexual physical touch.

Consider an open relationship

• If you’re in a monogamous relationship and therefore only have sex with your partner, desire discrepancy can be a major obstacle to sexual satisfaction. Opening up your relationship is a much bigger deal than just saying you want to, but it could be a good option in instances where desire discrepancy is the root of major tension in the relationship. Here is an Embrace Sexual Wellness article that goes into detail about how to open a monogamous relationship.

Talk to a sex therapist (either as an individual or as a relationship)

• Sex therapists are an amazing resource for sorting through sexual obstacles like desire discrepancy. They have knowledge about potential root causes of someone’s libido type, how to diffuse tension related to desire discrepancy, and creative problem solving that takes everyone’s needs into account. Working with a dedicated therapist also has the capacity to increase empathy on all sides, improving communication overall. If you live in Illinois, reach out to Embrace Sexual Wellness for a consultation.

Desire discrepancy does not mean anyone is at fault and will require patience and empathy on all sides to work through. This issue, like all other relationship issues, isn’t person versus person; it’s you all against the problem.

A Helping Hand: The Benefits of Sharing Porn and Erotica with Your Partner(s)

Despite the stigma surrounding erotica and porn, they can be healthy, helpful tools both for solo and partnered sexual enjoyment. There are a multitude of benefits to watching porn in tandem, like facilitating communication about sex and sexual preferences, stimulating responsive desire, and inspiring you to try new things in the bedroom. That being said, let’s break those down to understand why that’s the case:

1) Improving communication

There are several ways that consuming erotica and porn together with your partner(s) can improve communication. One, if there’s something you’ve been wanting to try but haven’t been able to ask for directly yet, consider finding erotica or porn representing that desire and, with consent, share it with your partner. Erotica and porn are not by any means accurate enough to serve as true tutorials, but they can certainly offer inspiration! Two, opening up a vulnerable conversation such as consuming porn together necessitates communication about boundaries: what you want to consume together, why, how, and when. Finally, keep in mind that when you do communicate about it, similar to any sort of sexual desire you share with your partner(s), it should be a question with the opportunity for the response to be no.

2) Igniting responsive desire

Responsive desire “means someone often needs to experience physical arousal before experiencing mental desire, [as opposed to] spontaneous desire [which] means someone often feels mental desire before physical arousal.” Many people are busy and overwhelmed with responsibilities that regardless of a person’s desire for sex in the abstract, they might not actually experience that desire without some sort of stimulation. That’s where porn and erotica come in! Especially for relationships where there’s a mismatch in partners having spontaneous versus responsive desire styles, using porn and erotica as a “jumpstart” can change the game.

3) Inspiring experimentation

Though as stated previously, porn and erotica should not be used as tutorials, they can certainly introduce you to new moves and techniques that you may have been unaware of. From there, you can explore how to execute that move based on more reputable sources.

Sharing porn and erotica isn’t for everyone but it can certainly offer a new sexual outlet in a relationship and provide all the benefits discussed in this article. Here are Embrace Sexual Wellness’s suggestions forSharing porn and erotica isn’t for everyone but it can certainly offer a new sexual outlet in a relationship and provide all the benefits discussed in this article. Here are Embrace Sexual Wellness’s suggestions for fantasy and erotica.

Feeling Sad After Sex? Here Are A Few Ways to Manage Postcoital Dysphoria

Postcoital dysphoria (PCD), sometimes colloquially referred to as post-sex blues, is the name for feelings of sadness or agitation that may come up after consensual sex, regardless of how satisfying, loving, and/or enjoyable it was. People of any gender or sexuality can experience PCD with varying levels of frequency. If you do experience PCD, it can feel frustrating to have an emotional reaction that doesn’t necessarily align with your true feelings regarding the sex. Though the cause of PCD will vary from person to person, there are a few potential causes to consider including insufficient aftercare, expectations being unfulfilled, and underlying trauma or shame. Here are a few ways you might consider managing your PCD. 

Evaluate if your sexual aftercare routine is serving you effectively

Aftercare is “a way for you and your partner(s) to communicate, debrief, and love on each other after the session is finished in however way feels most fulfilling to your specific needs.” Though it started as a BDSM practice, anyone and everyone can utilize aftercare to regulate post-sex emotions. Aftercare can look like anything from cuddling to verbal validation to eating chocolate, and you might have to do some trial and error to figure out what works for you. Practicing post-sex rituals like this help transition from the emotional and physical intensity of a sexual encounter back into reality.

Journaling

Journaling about your PCD feelings can help process them and get to the root of the issue. This Well and Good article offers some important prompting questions to guide your journaling: 

• Was it before, during, and/or after sex that you started feeling something distressing?

• Is this feeling familiar to anything you've felt at another time in your life?

• Did your behavior work in alignment with your values?

• Are you satisfied with how you were treated?

• Is there anything you regret about the experience?

Be kind to yourself 

As frustrating as PCD is, it’s important not to blame yourself. There is nothing wrong with you, nor did you do anything wrong by experiencing it. Unkind thoughts only fuel the fire and may worsen the emotional distress. 

These tips may help lessen your distress, but to truly address it, you may need to seek professional help. If you’re consistently struggling and your sex life is challenging as a result, or if trauma is at the root of your PCD, or even if you just feel like you can’t deal with this alone, it might be time to check in with a sex therapist like the providers at Embrace Sexual Wellness.