How to Figure Out What You Actually Enjoy During Sex

The first step to having satisfying sex is to understand what you enjoy. It is difficult for a partner to facilitate pleasure without any direction. Many people are uncertain of what they like or want for a variety of reasons. Cultural stigma and sexual shame can exacerbate this knowledge gap. So how do you figure out what you like in the bedroom? In this article, we’ll highlight how to better understand your own pleasure and offer reflection questions to guide your exploration.  

What are some practical tips for learning what you like in the bedroom?

1. Read and watch erotica

”Erotica” is any sexually explicit literary or artistic work. It can be a great tool for exploring sexual interests alone or with a partner/partners. Erotica can include books, short stories, audio clips, drawings and more. Exploring erotica and taking note of what excites you will give you more information about what you may or may not enjoy during sex. 

2. Explore your body and masturbation

Before bringing a partner into the mix, try intentionally touching and exploring your own body. This should go beyond just your genitals, although that can be important too. Try different types of touch like gentle versus firmer pressure. Let go of your assumptions of what you are “supposed” to like and explore freely. You can also try different types of masturbation, like acute versus broad stimulation, experimenting with sex toys, and varying your position like sitting versus lying down. 

3. Experiment with a trusted partner

The best way to learn what you enjoy during partnered sex is to try it out with a partner. Make sure you choose a partner who you can talk to about your curiosity, hesitations, and uncertainty. When you broach the subject, make sure to choose a time when they are in a headspace to talk about it and offer them time to think about it. If you decide to proceed, establish explicit expectations and a safe word. Afterwards, when you are ready, talk about how it went and whether or not you want to do it again.    

Reflection Questions

Understanding your feelings about sex may also help you better understand your desires. Here are some questions to guide your reflection so you can better understand what you want during sex: 

• Are there parts of your body where you particularly enjoy being stimulated? 

• Are there parts of your body that you do not want a partner to touch?

• How do you feel about integrating sex toys or props into your sex life?

• Do you have sexual trauma that needs to be taken into account?

• Do you like dirty talk?

• Do you want to take the lead or do you want to be led? 

• How much stimulation do you want to receive versus give?

• How do you want sex to make you feel? Do you want to feel loved, sexy, powerful, degraded, and/or something else? 

• What type of genital stimulation do you prefer? 

• Do you want to be penetrated?

• What kind of sexual aftercare is important to you?

Takeaway

Knowing what you enjoy in bed is important for directing partners and maximizing your satisfaction. With techniques like self-exploration and reflection, you can hopefully figure out what works best for you. Factors like sexual trauma and shame can contribute to being unsure of your preferences. If you are experiencing roadblocks that are preventing you from learning your sexual desires, consider reaching out to a sex therapist.

Curious About Differences in Desire? Here Are 3 Tips to Address Desire Discrepancy

Desire discrepancy is when the libidos of people in a relationship do not align. The two types of libido are responsive and spontaneous which differ in how your desire for sex is initiated. People with responsive desire experience physical arousal before mental desire, whereas those with spontaneous desire experience mental desire first and then the physical arousal. Mental desire is being turned on in your mind and wanting (either hypothetically or literally) sexual stimulation, while physical arousal manifests in your body such as getting an erection.

This binary of responsive versus spontaneous is helpful for understanding how one’s personal experience of libido compares relative to others; however, that is not to say that this type of libido is fixed or exists strictly in black or white. While many people do tend towards one or the other, libido is flexible and can change with time, age, relationship status, and more. Neither type is better or worse, nor anything that needs to be fixed, but having this information about oneself can be helpful in successfully navigating a healthy sex life.

Though there is nothing inherently wrong with either type, it of course can be frustrating if your desire type doesn’t align with the person/people you’re having sex with. This is what we call desire discrepancy. If this is something you’re struggling with, consider some of these approaches:

Explore non-sexual intimacy

• Physical intimacy can take many, many forms and getting creative is a good way to feel more physically connected with your sexual partner(s). Massages, cuddling, backscratching, and hugging are all great options for non-sexual physical touch.

Consider an open relationship

• If you’re in a monogamous relationship and therefore only have sex with your partner, desire discrepancy can be a major obstacle to sexual satisfaction. Opening up your relationship is a much bigger deal than just saying you want to, but it could be a good option in instances where desire discrepancy is the root of major tension in the relationship. Here is an Embrace Sexual Wellness article that goes into detail about how to open a monogamous relationship.

Talk to a sex therapist (either as an individual or as a relationship)

• Sex therapists are an amazing resource for sorting through sexual obstacles like desire discrepancy. They have knowledge about potential root causes of someone’s libido type, how to diffuse tension related to desire discrepancy, and creative problem solving that takes everyone’s needs into account. Working with a dedicated therapist also has the capacity to increase empathy on all sides, improving communication overall. If you live in Illinois, reach out to Embrace Sexual Wellness for a consultation.

Desire discrepancy does not mean anyone is at fault and will require patience and empathy on all sides to work through. This issue, like all other relationship issues, isn’t person versus person; it’s you all against the problem.

4 Ways We Blame Ourselves for Our Sexuality

The topic of sexuality is complex and shrouded in shame, fueled by a complete lack of comprehensive sex education in the United States. This leaves many of us struggling to understand our own sexuality independently which can be messy and frustrating. Furthermore, experiencing sexual shame on an independent level means it’s difficult to internalize that you aren’t the only one struggling with a certain issue. The first step to unlearning this shame is by acknowledging that it exists and then you can begin to unpack it. Let’s address some common sources of sexual shame together.

Not being able to achieve orgasm in a specific way or at all

This is more commonly spoken about as an issue that women struggle with (an estimated 10-15% of women experience orgasmic dysfunction) but anyone can experience difficulty attaining orgasm. There are many potential roots of the problem including, but not limited to sexual trauma, age, hormones, mental and chronic illness, and certain medications. Whether or not there is a clear root of the problem, there is nothing wrong with you for experiencing difficulty attaining orgasm. Societal expectations and misinformation is the source of the shame, your body is not inherently shameful and you did not do anything “wrong” to “deserve” this. Most important to remember, you do not need to be able to orgasm in order to enjoy sex and masturbation.

Not being interested in intercourse, but interested in other sexual/sensual activities

Heteronormative expectations of sex center around penetrative sex; it is posited as the goal of sex. Unfortunately, this is exclusionary to many people like queer people, people who experience sexual dysfunction, or just anyone who does not derive pleasure from penetrative sex. Aside from being exclusionary, it’s limiting for everyone who has internalized that expectation. Once we are able to unlearn heteronormative expectations of sex (easier said than done!), so many doors open in terms of sexual possibility. Intercourse is just one of many ways to enjoy sex and it is not the sole “right” way to have sex.

Having responsive desire rather than spontaneous desire

Generally speaking there are two main types of how people experience a desire to have sex. Responsive desire means someone often needs to experience physical arousal before experiencing mental desire while spontaneous desire means someone often feels mental desire before physical arousal. Mainstream media and societal expectations posit spontaneous desire as the “norm,” leaving those with responsive desire to feel like something is wrong with them. Neither is superior, they are simply different. If you are struggling with your desire type being compatible with your partner(s), check out this Embrace Sexual Wellness blog post on desire discrepancy.

Experiencing sexual dysfunction or pain

Similarly to orgasmic dysfunction, it’s hard not to feel “broken” for experiencing sexual dysfunction or pain, especially if it prohibits you from having the kind of sex you want to have. It makes sense to grieve the fact that your body cannot do something that you wish that it could. At the same time, it’s integral to remember that you still deserve to have enjoyable sex and that it is still possible, even if that means it won’t look the way you expected.

The source of the shame related to the reasons above is because of the limiting societal expectations and beliefs about sex. The problem does not lie in the individual, but in the inaccurate and exclusionary ways we learn and talk about sex. You are not alone in your challenges. If you find yourself struggling to address your sexual shame alone, consider reaching out to Embrace Sexual Wellness and one of our sexuality professionals will happily help guide you through it.