Curious About Differences in Desire? Here Are 3 Tips to Address Desire Discrepancy

Desire discrepancy is when the libidos of people in a relationship do not align. The two types of libido are responsive and spontaneous which differ in how your desire for sex is initiated. People with responsive desire experience physical arousal before mental desire, whereas those with spontaneous desire experience mental desire first and then the physical arousal. Mental desire is being turned on in your mind and wanting (either hypothetically or literally) sexual stimulation, while physical arousal manifests in your body such as getting an erection.

This binary of responsive versus spontaneous is helpful for understanding how one’s personal experience of libido compares relative to others; however, that is not to say that this type of libido is fixed or exists strictly in black or white. While many people do tend towards one or the other, libido is flexible and can change with time, age, relationship status, and more. Neither type is better or worse, nor anything that needs to be fixed, but having this information about oneself can be helpful in successfully navigating a healthy sex life.

Though there is nothing inherently wrong with either type, it of course can be frustrating if your desire type doesn’t align with the person/people you’re having sex with. This is what we call desire discrepancy. If this is something you’re struggling with, consider some of these approaches:

Explore non-sexual intimacy

• Physical intimacy can take many, many forms and getting creative is a good way to feel more physically connected with your sexual partner(s). Massages, cuddling, backscratching, and hugging are all great options for non-sexual physical touch.

Consider an open relationship

• If you’re in a monogamous relationship and therefore only have sex with your partner, desire discrepancy can be a major obstacle to sexual satisfaction. Opening up your relationship is a much bigger deal than just saying you want to, but it could be a good option in instances where desire discrepancy is the root of major tension in the relationship. Here is an Embrace Sexual Wellness article that goes into detail about how to open a monogamous relationship.

Talk to a sex therapist (either as an individual or as a relationship)

• Sex therapists are an amazing resource for sorting through sexual obstacles like desire discrepancy. They have knowledge about potential root causes of someone’s libido type, how to diffuse tension related to desire discrepancy, and creative problem solving that takes everyone’s needs into account. Working with a dedicated therapist also has the capacity to increase empathy on all sides, improving communication overall. If you live in Illinois, reach out to Embrace Sexual Wellness for a consultation.

Desire discrepancy does not mean anyone is at fault and will require patience and empathy on all sides to work through. This issue, like all other relationship issues, isn’t person versus person; it’s you all against the problem.

4 Ways We Blame Ourselves for Our Sexuality

The topic of sexuality is complex and shrouded in shame, fueled by a complete lack of comprehensive sex education in the United States. This leaves many of us struggling to understand our own sexuality independently which can be messy and frustrating. Furthermore, experiencing sexual shame on an independent level means it’s difficult to internalize that you aren’t the only one struggling with a certain issue. The first step to unlearning this shame is by acknowledging that it exists and then you can begin to unpack it. Let’s address some common sources of sexual shame together.

Not being able to achieve orgasm in a specific way or at all

This is more commonly spoken about as an issue that women struggle with (an estimated 10-15% of women experience orgasmic dysfunction) but anyone can experience difficulty attaining orgasm. There are many potential roots of the problem including, but not limited to sexual trauma, age, hormones, mental and chronic illness, and certain medications. Whether or not there is a clear root of the problem, there is nothing wrong with you for experiencing difficulty attaining orgasm. Societal expectations and misinformation is the source of the shame, your body is not inherently shameful and you did not do anything “wrong” to “deserve” this. Most important to remember, you do not need to be able to orgasm in order to enjoy sex and masturbation.

Not being interested in intercourse, but interested in other sexual/sensual activities

Heteronormative expectations of sex center around penetrative sex; it is posited as the goal of sex. Unfortunately, this is exclusionary to many people like queer people, people who experience sexual dysfunction, or just anyone who does not derive pleasure from penetrative sex. Aside from being exclusionary, it’s limiting for everyone who has internalized that expectation. Once we are able to unlearn heteronormative expectations of sex (easier said than done!), so many doors open in terms of sexual possibility. Intercourse is just one of many ways to enjoy sex and it is not the sole “right” way to have sex.

Having responsive desire rather than spontaneous desire

Generally speaking there are two main types of how people experience a desire to have sex. Responsive desire means someone often needs to experience physical arousal before experiencing mental desire while spontaneous desire means someone often feels mental desire before physical arousal. Mainstream media and societal expectations posit spontaneous desire as the “norm,” leaving those with responsive desire to feel like something is wrong with them. Neither is superior, they are simply different. If you are struggling with your desire type being compatible with your partner(s), check out this Embrace Sexual Wellness blog post on desire discrepancy.

Experiencing sexual dysfunction or pain

Similarly to orgasmic dysfunction, it’s hard not to feel “broken” for experiencing sexual dysfunction or pain, especially if it prohibits you from having the kind of sex you want to have. It makes sense to grieve the fact that your body cannot do something that you wish that it could. At the same time, it’s integral to remember that you still deserve to have enjoyable sex and that it is still possible, even if that means it won’t look the way you expected.

The source of the shame related to the reasons above is because of the limiting societal expectations and beliefs about sex. The problem does not lie in the individual, but in the inaccurate and exclusionary ways we learn and talk about sex. You are not alone in your challenges. If you find yourself struggling to address your sexual shame alone, consider reaching out to Embrace Sexual Wellness and one of our sexuality professionals will happily help guide you through it.

Desire Discrepancy: What It Is And What You Can Do

Differences in libido within a sexual relationship are bound to happen at some point and it is even more likely in the context of a global pandemic. These differences, sometimes called desire discrepancy, can be a huge source of tension between partners and it’s not always within our control. There are tons of factors that play into our desire for sex and with so many variables, it can feel difficult to understand. That’s why we’re going to cover the factors involved and what to do about it. 

Factors Influencing Libido

There are a litany of factors that influence our libido, which is why it can fluctuate ever so frequently. Particularly in a time when more or less everyone’s stress level is heightened, libidos are all over the place. Many people are experiencing a shift in how their libido functions and fluctuates; annoying for sure, but definitely normal. There are several reasons this fluctuation occurs, within or outside pandemic times.  

• Hormones/Biology

  • Hormones fluctuate for a variety of reasons like a menstrual cycle, stress (more on that next), and aging. As hormones fluctuate, they can affect your libido. This is a pretty unavoidable factor, but understanding how and when your hormones fluctuate might help you understand changes in your libido. If you’re seriously concerned about how your hormones shift and the outfall from that, talk to your medical provider.  

• Stress 

  • Stress does some pretty crazy things to the body, including affecting libido. It both physically and mentally influences your desire to have sex. Physically, your hormone production changes when you’re under stress like increased cortisol, which lowers libido. Mentally, when you have a busy brain you can’t mindfully enjoy sexual pleasure as much and it can even preclude you from orgasming. Plus, stress by definition puts a strain which is exhausting, yet another reason you might not be feeling up to getting down.

• Medication

  • Some types of medications can suppress libido as a side effect, especially antidepressants. If this is the case for you and it is significantly hindering your enjoyment of life or otherwise undesirable, talk to your doctor about possibly adjusting your medication(s). 

• Trauma

  • Any trauma, but especially sexual trauma, can negatively affect libido. Everyone reacts to trauma differently; some people become more sexual, some don’t want anything to do with sex, and some fall in between. 

• Relationship to our bodies 

  • Lots of people struggle with loving their own body, especially during a pandemic when people are stress eating and lacking access to their usual exercise resources. If you’re feeling particularly down about your body, it could be affecting your sexual interest. When you feel unattractive or uncomfortable in your skin, it’s less likely that you’ll want to expose yourself and be vulnerable in that way with another person.

What Can I Do? 

While this is a frustrating issue, it’s not insurmountable! Don’t despair just yet because there are lots of things you can try.

• Schedule sex

  • So many romanticized sex scenes involve passionate, spur of the moment heat. That doesn’t mean that planned sex is any less hot though! It doesn’t have to be a buzzkill to the thrill; the lead-up and tension building to the time compound the excitement and anticipation. Especially in longer term relationships, sex can move to the back burner in favor of more urgent priorities. For healthy relationships (that involve people who do typically want to have sex, as opposed to people who do not typically want sex) sex can be both a fun, connecting experience and a way to increase physical and emotional intimacy. For these reasons, it’s important to incorporate consistent sexual encounters into your life! Scheduling sex allows this to be a more conscious process of incorporation. It can relieve some of the stress of initiating sex and ensures that you make time for it. Of course, this isn’t an iron-clad schedule! If the time rolls around and someone isn’t feeling it, there should be no obligation to follow through. Perhaps you can agree on another pleasurable activity that everyone is up for, even if it’s not sex, like like cuddling or kissing, which is elaborated on below.

• Determine the root issue

  • When applicable, try to solve the root issues of a lacking libido (in the instance that this is not your norm). If it’s stress, consider working with a psychotherapist to develop coping strategies and stronger self-care habits. If it is body image, do some body positive activities, join support groups on social media, speak to a psychotherapist, and read up. You get the point, effects on libido are a symptom; to really solve it long term, you need to address the root.  

• If you wanna get something done, do it yourself

  • Self-pleasure is important to a healthy sex life both because it helps you know your own body and preferences better, and because it nurtures your need for sexual fulfillment. It won’t be the same as partnered sex but that doesn’t mean it’s “worse”. Masturbation isn’t the “backup option” for sex; both masturbation and sex can, and for many people should, exist in a healthy sex life. For those wanting to treat themselves, consider investing in sex toys from a body-safe shop like Spectrum Boutique, Unbound, or Peepshow Toys.

• Consider an open relationship 

  • Open relationships won’t be everyone’s cup of tea but they’re worth considering especially if mismatched libido is a persistent issue and causes tension in the relationship. One of our recent blog posts offers a guide for people considering an open relationship. 

• Say no 

  • Everyone has the absolute, unquestionable right to say “no,” no questions asked. That being said, it might be beneficial for a relationship if when someone says no to sex, that they provide reassurance. This can help the person wanting sex to avoid feelings of undesirability or otherwise negative thoughts. 

• Explore non-sexual intimacy 

  • Sometimes the desire for sex is rooted in a desire for physical touch. Even if one person involved in the relationship isn’t wanting sex, it’s worth having a conversation about how to incorporate other types of physical touch like cuddling or kissing routinely. It can increase feelings of intimacy and care without involving sex and this compromise can assuage the tension around mismatched libidos. 

• See a sex therapist 

  • While there tends to be stigma around sex therapy, there shouldn’t be! Sex therapy, for either an individual or for partners, is a great resource, particularly if differences in libido persistently cause conflict in a relationship. Embrace Sexual Wellness offers individual, relationship and sex therapy so if you’re feeling like you need a facilitator to help you out, go for it. Investing in the wellness of yourself and your loved one(s) is essential to your happiness, regardless of whether that involves psychotherapy.  

Desire discrepancy isn’t anyone’s fault. Try to practice some empathy and think about how your partner might feel in addition to you. And always remember: this issue, like all other relationship issues, isn’t one partner’s fault (and so on and so forth when there are more than two involved); it’s you all against the problem.