How to Figure Out What You Actually Enjoy During Sex

The first step to having satisfying sex is to understand what you enjoy. It is difficult for a partner to facilitate pleasure without any direction. Many people are uncertain of what they like or want for a variety of reasons. Cultural stigma and sexual shame can exacerbate this knowledge gap. So how do you figure out what you like in the bedroom? In this article, we’ll highlight how to better understand your own pleasure and offer reflection questions to guide your exploration.  

What are some practical tips for learning what you like in the bedroom?

1. Read and watch erotica

”Erotica” is any sexually explicit literary or artistic work. It can be a great tool for exploring sexual interests alone or with a partner/partners. Erotica can include books, short stories, audio clips, drawings and more. Exploring erotica and taking note of what excites you will give you more information about what you may or may not enjoy during sex. 

2. Explore your body and masturbation

Before bringing a partner into the mix, try intentionally touching and exploring your own body. This should go beyond just your genitals, although that can be important too. Try different types of touch like gentle versus firmer pressure. Let go of your assumptions of what you are “supposed” to like and explore freely. You can also try different types of masturbation, like acute versus broad stimulation, experimenting with sex toys, and varying your position like sitting versus lying down. 

3. Experiment with a trusted partner

The best way to learn what you enjoy during partnered sex is to try it out with a partner. Make sure you choose a partner who you can talk to about your curiosity, hesitations, and uncertainty. When you broach the subject, make sure to choose a time when they are in a headspace to talk about it and offer them time to think about it. If you decide to proceed, establish explicit expectations and a safe word. Afterwards, when you are ready, talk about how it went and whether or not you want to do it again.    

Reflection Questions

Understanding your feelings about sex may also help you better understand your desires. Here are some questions to guide your reflection so you can better understand what you want during sex: 

• Are there parts of your body where you particularly enjoy being stimulated? 

• Are there parts of your body that you do not want a partner to touch?

• How do you feel about integrating sex toys or props into your sex life?

• Do you have sexual trauma that needs to be taken into account?

• Do you like dirty talk?

• Do you want to take the lead or do you want to be led? 

• How much stimulation do you want to receive versus give?

• How do you want sex to make you feel? Do you want to feel loved, sexy, powerful, degraded, and/or something else? 

• What type of genital stimulation do you prefer? 

• Do you want to be penetrated?

• What kind of sexual aftercare is important to you?

Takeaway

Knowing what you enjoy in bed is important for directing partners and maximizing your satisfaction. With techniques like self-exploration and reflection, you can hopefully figure out what works best for you. Factors like sexual trauma and shame can contribute to being unsure of your preferences. If you are experiencing roadblocks that are preventing you from learning your sexual desires, consider reaching out to a sex therapist.

Pelvic Congestion Syndrome: Causes, Symptoms, and Treatments

Chronic pelvic pain is a common occurrence among people assigned female at birth, affecting an estimated 15% of people of childbearing age in the United States. One of the causes of pelvic pain is pelvic congestion syndrome (PCS). PCS occurs when varicose veins develop around the ovaries. Varicose veins are twisted, enlarged veins that most often appear on the legs because standing and walking cause the blood to engorge the leg veins. Most of the time, varicose veins are completely benign and painless but when they appear on the ovaries, they can cause pain and discomfort. The exact cause is still unknown but pregnancy and estrogen can both play key roles in making the veins structurally unsound. Any type of chronic pain can be disruptive to your life so it is important to learn about the cause of your pain and what your treatment options are. This article will cover the symptoms of pelvic congestion syndrome, how it affects one’s sex life, and the treatment options that exist. 

What are the symptoms of pelvic congestion syndrome?

Dull and achy pelvic pain is the primary symptom of PCS, but it can manifest as a sharp pain as well. The pain can be exacerbated after standing or sitting for a long time, before and during menstruation or sexual activity. Additional symptoms include varicose veins in other places like the pelvis, buttocks, and vulva, an irritable bowel, stress incontinence, and pain with urination.   

How does pelvic congestion syndrome affect one’s sex life?

As mentioned above, pelvic congestion syndrome and the associated pain tends to be exacerbated by sexual intercourse. This not only poses physical obstacles to having sex, especially penetrative sex, but chronic pain can also cause a low libido. That does not mean that you can never achieve a fulfilling sex life though. In addition to the PCS treatment options below, there are ways to have great sex without penetration. You can engage in alternative forms of intimacy, like mutual masturbation, give and/or receive a sensual massage, or cuddle skin-to-skin. There are also ways to try to boost your libido, if you so desire. None of these options provide a permanent solution, but there are treatment options that can make it easier to live with PCS. 

   What are the treatment options for pelvic congestion syndrome?

Diagnosing pelvic congestion syndrome is not easy because the symptoms are easily conflated with other conditions and there is no test that will outright prove that PCS is the culprit. For this reason, doctors will typically run tests to rule out similar conditions, as well as use imaging like ultrasounds. Ultrasounds provide a view of the soft tissue; if more detailed imaging is required, a doctor may opt for an MRI or CT scan. The goal of diagnosis and treatment is to reduce or relieve pelvic pain, but there is unfortunately no known cure for PCS. The treatment you and your doctor pursue will depend on factors such as the severity of your symptoms and your medical history.

Treatment options for PCS may include: 

• Gonadotropin hormone drugs. Gonadotropins are hormones that regulate ovarian function; they are essential for growth, development, and reproduction functions. These drugs can block ovarian function and therefore relieve some pain.  

• Progestin hormone drugs. Similarly to gonadotropins, progestin drugs are hormonal drugs that serve to relieve pain by assisting the regulatory function of your reproductive system. 

• Sclerotherapy or embolization. A sclerotherapy is a typical treatment option for any varicose veins, including pelvic veins, such as is the case for PCS. It involves a needle that injects a solution which causes the damaged vein to scar and eventually fade as blood is rerouted to healthier veins. A similar concept but different execution is gonadal vein embolization is a minimally invasive treatment that involves a small incision for a tube that is used to dispatch a sclerosant that blocks the vein, therefore guiding the blood to healthier vessels, similar to how sclerotherapy works. 

• Oophorectomy or Hysterectomy (to remove your uterus and ovaries). An oophorectomy (removal of the ovaries) and hysterectomy (removal of the uterus) are reserved for the most severe cases of PCS after milder treatments have failed. However, these procedures have been shown to be a very effective treatment for PCS pain in treatment-resistant cases.

The Bottom Line

Pelvic congestion syndrome is a taxing condition that has the potential to significantly impact your quality of life, particularly your sex life. However, with a proper diagnosis and treatment plan, you can find relief. If you suspect you have PCS, you should consult with a healthcare professional to explore your options. Additionally, if you need extra support for your mental health and/or your libido and sex life due to the chronic pain, consider reaching out to a therapist.   

Why Do We Prioritize Romantic Over Platonic Love?

American society is obsessed with romantic love. From romantic comedies dominating box offices to holidays like Valentine’s Day to societal expectations of marriage as the ultimate goal, there is no shortage of conditioning to make people believe romantic love is more valuable and superior to platonic love. 

The philosopher Elizabeth Brake coined the term “amatonormativity” which, as defined in her book Minimizing Marriage: Marriage, Morality, and the Law, “refers to “the assumptions that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types.” The narrative that one is not complete without a lifelong, monogamous, and (ideally, in the eyes of society) heterosexual romantic partnership is enforced around every corner. This leads to people who don’t want that or can’t find that to feel defective.

In reality, there is nothing inherently more valuable about romantic love. When pressed, it’s tough to even put into words the actual distinction between romantic and platonic love. Some people might say it’s the physical intimacy, but what about people who can’t have sex but desire a romantic relationship for a variety of reasons like asexuality or depression or a physical limitation related to having sex? Are those people and their romantic connections any less valid? Of course not. Frankly, there is not a single satisfactory answer for what differentiates romantic relationships from platonic ones because it’s such a personal experience.

The tricky part of defining the differences between types of relationships is the disconnect between the breadth of the English language and the internal experience of emotions, which vary from person to person. How do you universally define a feeling? You can’t really, and when you try, that’s how people end up feeling excluded when their experience doesn’t align with the socially-enforced expectations they’ve internalized.

Contrary to what American society expects and conditions us to think, romantic and platonic love are simply different and neither is better nor worse. Romance does not have to be a part of your social life in order to feel fulfilled and loved.

This conversation is further complicated by feelings that don’t fit into either the traditional “romantic” or “platonic” definitions of relationships. There are queerplatonic relationships, sexual relationships without a romantic or platonic element, and purely aesthetic attraction, to name a few examples outside the romantic/platonic binary. With the nuances and intricacies of human emotion, it makes sense that a simple binary couldn’t possibly encapsulate the realm of possibility for relationship forms. There are more options open to us than societal conditioning has led us to believe. 

The bottom line is that you should navigate your relationships and prioritizing them however feels right to you, your needs, and your loved ones. There is nothing wrong with being happy as a single person or prioritizing fulfillment in other areas of your life over romance, like friendships. Just because society is telling you that in order to feel fulfilled you need a romantic partner does not make it true.