7 Mindfulness Basics to Bring Into Your Intimate Relationships

The practice of mindfulness is rooted in Buddhist teachings, as well as recognized in other indigenous and Eastern traditions. Applied to our busy lives, practicing Mindfulness means we are able to dwell in a state of noticing and acceptance with compassion before acting or reacting. Jon-Kabat Zinn, who has been researching mindfulness through meditation since the 1970s, explains how Mindfulness practices can get us out of a Me-focused state of mind by cultivating an “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally.”  Mindfulness practices literally change the way electrical energy in the brain fires! Over time and with practice, Mindfulness practice can improve focus, self-awareness, memory, compassion, immune function, anxiety and depression. 

How does Mindfulness Apply to Intimate Relationships?

Health and wellness is a relational issue, and relationships have a significant impact on our health and wellness. It’s no surprise then that research is mounting in recent years in support of relationship mindfulness. Mindfulness has been studied as a way to increase overall health, increase empathy, improve sexual intimacy, reduce conflict, and even regulate cortisol levels among couples. Relationship mindfulness can help couples reign in conflict before getting out of control, decrease anxiety that comes with sexual intimacy, and help partners implement the common desire for more intention in their relationships.

If you’ve been in relationship with anyone for any significant amount of time - including family, friendships, and lovers - you might know what it is like to get to a place where action and reaction becomes the go-to response in conflict, or even the busy day-to-day routines. If you have been feeling un-noticed, un-seen, disconnected and misunderstood (or if your partner has expressed these feelings), relationship mindfulness may be the refresh you and your partners need.

7 Relationship Mindfulness Basics

Relationship mindfulness can be a formal activity, like taking a yoga or meditation class together. It can also be sprinkled into any informal activity you do with partners. Whenever you want to apply Mindfulness to relationships, there are a few things to keep in mind and activity suggestions to help you practice with intention and, hopefully, JOY!

1. Practice relationship mindfulness with specific intention

Practice makes perfect and Mindfulness takes practice! Use the suggested activities below and keep your Mindfulness Practice sacred by leaving out high-conflict issues. Hopefully, you quickly get to a place where those issues can be mindfully addressed, but make your beginner practice time enjoyable and nourishing of your relationship. We suggest putting unresolvable topics that may come up during practice into the “parking lot”, which may be a notebook or phone notes that you bring with you to a therapy session at Embrace Sexual Wellness.

2. Pay attention with all of your senses

Notice what comes up for you in your thoughts or your body during relationship mindfulness practice. Pay attention to the body language and tone of your partner. Notice what feels good and say it out loud, or simply describe what you sense about your environment. Maybe any one small statement can become an exploration together. For example, you might take a bite and say “This bite tasted sweet,” and end up deconstructing flavors with your partners, talking about the best desserts you’ve ever had, and planning your next adventure to the new cupcake shop in your town! 

Not everything we notice feels good. See if you can sit with discomfort when it arises, and share it with your partner if that feels safe. If conflict arises that feels too big, put it in the parking lot, take a small break, and refocus your attention on what you see, smell, taste, hear, and feel. Prioritize your comfort and that of your partner during this activity.

3. Be curious, not judgy

Share and listen to the observations that you and your partner are sensing without judgement. Try to see your experiences and thoughts through a lens of curiosity, like you might do with a stranger who is not familiar with anything in your world. Investigate your partners’ observations with care and compassion. When self-criticisms arise, recognize that they are a part of a complex construct of messaging you have been receiving for a very long time, and then with acceptance and compassion, be curious even for yourself. In these moments with your partner, you are not your body, or your mind. You are in a relationship that deserves kindness and nourishment. Be forgiving if your intentional relationship mindfulness practice is disrupted by conflict. It is normal and perfectly fine to rest and try again another time.

4. Be present in the journey, not the destination

Have you ever said, “I don’t need you to solve my problem! I just want to vent.”? Release the burden of solving problems and ask your partner questions that help them further explore. If you find your partner trying to solve your problems, you can express gratitude for their concern, or use it as a point of curiosity to find out more about them! (i.e. “that’s an interesting idea, what made you think of it?”).

5. Slow down and breathe between thoughts

Before you answer a question, take a breath. If your partner is pausing, give them all the time they need to form thoughts. Silence is a perfect alternative to talking. We all process differently and some of us need time to think through or we begin to feel anxious and say things that are inauthentic. Be confident in your partner’s ability to be accountable for their own communication when given the space to do so, and in the meantime, breathe and notice what is going on in your own body.

6. Connect with your partner physically

Brittany Jakubiek, author of several studies on touch during couple conflict says that “touching reminds couples that they are on the same team.” Jakubiek found that touch reduces stress and conflict behaviors between couples. Although this is not specifically mindfulness practice, consensual touching is a valid method of communication between partners.

7. Plan a low conflict activity

Not every activity on our list will feel like the right fit for you with your partner, and there are infinite ways to create a mindful experience together. Depending on where you are at in your partnership, discuss what feels safe and enjoyable for both of you. Start small and time-limited if you are often in high conflict, and work with a therapist to navigate parking lot issues.

• Share a meal at a new place. Talk about the flavors, texture, and presentation of the food. Notice the aromas, colors, and atmosphere of the environment. People watch, describing body language and co-creating stories of the people you see.

• Take a bath together. Discuss boundaries ahead of time regarding sexual intimacy. Focus on the sensations of water, and use bath oils or bath bombs to add sensation.

• Walk with each other. Walking is proven to reduce anxiety, and walking outdoors has been shown to increase the meditative state. High-conflict couples may benefit from just walking without discussion as a way to share space. Couples could also use walking to hold more challenging conversations, paying attention to anxious feelings in the body and walking through the discomfort before reacting to it.

• Spoon-Breathing. Even as infants laying on our caretakers’ chests, our physiological systems respond to the rhythm of another person’s heartbeat and breath with synchronicity. In early days of dating, many couples find themselves laying side-by-side and co-regulating their breath. Spooning, foreheads touching, or laying back-to-back, relax enough to sync-up your breath for as long as it’s comfortable, feeling your partner’s body and energy alongside yours.

• Sensation play (sexual and non-sexual). Using props with different textures (think feathers, chains, ice, hot wax, fingertips, etc.) ask your partner for consent to touch where it feels pleasurable and safe. Pay attention to their reactions, ask exploratory questions, and check-in with how they are feeling. When it’s your turn to be touched, focus on the sensation of touch and communicate for more or less as desired. Negotiate clothing, sexual intention, and off-limit areas of the body before beginning play. This activity does not imply sexual intimacy and should be consensual the entire time.

Consider these mindfulness tips to help you generate more presence in your intimate relationships! If you need additional support in getting started, Embrace Sexual Wellness can help!

A Helping Hand: The Benefits of Sharing Porn and Erotica with Your Partner(s)

Despite the stigma surrounding erotica and porn, they can be healthy, helpful tools both for solo and partnered sexual enjoyment. There are a multitude of benefits to watching porn in tandem, like facilitating communication about sex and sexual preferences, stimulating responsive desire, and inspiring you to try new things in the bedroom. That being said, let’s break those down to understand why that’s the case:

1) Improving communication

There are several ways that consuming erotica and porn together with your partner(s) can improve communication. One, if there’s something you’ve been wanting to try but haven’t been able to ask for directly yet, consider finding erotica or porn representing that desire and, with consent, share it with your partner. Erotica and porn are not by any means accurate enough to serve as true tutorials, but they can certainly offer inspiration! Two, opening up a vulnerable conversation such as consuming porn together necessitates communication about boundaries: what you want to consume together, why, how, and when. Finally, keep in mind that when you do communicate about it, similar to any sort of sexual desire you share with your partner(s), it should be a question with the opportunity for the response to be no.

2) Igniting responsive desire

Responsive desire “means someone often needs to experience physical arousal before experiencing mental desire, [as opposed to] spontaneous desire [which] means someone often feels mental desire before physical arousal.” Many people are busy and overwhelmed with responsibilities that regardless of a person’s desire for sex in the abstract, they might not actually experience that desire without some sort of stimulation. That’s where porn and erotica come in! Especially for relationships where there’s a mismatch in partners having spontaneous versus responsive desire styles, using porn and erotica as a “jumpstart” can change the game.

3) Inspiring experimentation

Though as stated previously, porn and erotica should not be used as tutorials, they can certainly introduce you to new moves and techniques that you may have been unaware of. From there, you can explore how to execute that move based on more reputable sources.

Sharing porn and erotica isn’t for everyone but it can certainly offer a new sexual outlet in a relationship and provide all the benefits discussed in this article. Here are Embrace Sexual Wellness’s suggestions forSharing porn and erotica isn’t for everyone but it can certainly offer a new sexual outlet in a relationship and provide all the benefits discussed in this article. Here are Embrace Sexual Wellness’s suggestions for fantasy and erotica.

Anxiety Getting in the Way of Sex? Here Are Some Tips

Anxiety comes in many forms, from generalized to circumstantial to sexual and beyond. Any type of anxiety has the potential to interfere with your sex life. If you're experiencing anxiety, it's important to know that you aren't alone. The good news is that anxiety can be addressed and there are tools to make it easier to have the sex life you want. Sometimes, stigma surrounding anxiety makes it difficult to openly talk about it or to ask for help but in reality there is nothing to be ashamed of. 

Regardless of how you experience anxiety or why, it can affect how you connect with people and yourself which is why it gets in the way of sex. Anxiety has the potential to lower your libido, deflate your confidence, stop you from asking what you want, and prevent you from achieving orgasm - just to name a few effects. You need to figure out the root of your anxiety in order to address it properly. For instance, if your anxiety stems from body insecurity, you may try to spend your energy working on your body image; if your anxiety primarily stems from something like mental illness, this may not be the most efficient way to help your anxiety. Ultimately, there is no one size fits all treatment so it will likely take trial and error to figure out what works best for you. 

Here are some ways to help with anxiety and your sex life:

• Try to be non-judgmentally mindful and stay in the moment. This is easier said than done but if your mind is constantly wandering during sex, it’s hard to enjoy yourself. You can find tips for being more mindful during sex here.

• Talk with your partner(s) about your experience with anxiety. Letting them know that you are experiencing anxiety may alleviate some feelings by getting it out in the open to address. This way, you and your partner can try to work on the problem as a team, as opposed to you navigating it alone.

• Take the pressure off of “goal oriented sex,” like expecting penetration or an orgasm as an integral part of “successful” sex. Physical intimacy takes many forms and unlearning expectations about what it “should” look like can help you enjoy yourself more.

• Give yourself grace. Anxiety is not your fault and you deserve to be patient with yourself as you work through it.

• Therapy is a great option for addressing anxiety if it’s available to you. Consider reaching out to Embrace Sexual Wellness to get in touch with a therapist today!