How To Be A Sex-Positive Parent

Sexuality shapes how we interface with the world: how we dress, how we speak, and how we parent. While we cannot control the world around us, we can model safety, consent, and pleasure for the young people in our lives. Being a sex-positive caregiver is more than explaining anatomy and the mechanics of reproduction. Rather, sex-positive parenting is a holistic practice that embraces sexuality as an essential aspect of self. 

START A DIALOGUE

There is no right time to have the “talk” because sexuality is always evolving. How you educate your child will look different at the varying stages of their development. It may be tempting to avoid talking about sexuality with your children, but that won’t set them up for success. Being a sex-positive parent means actively teaching young people about sex, bodies, healthy relationships and pleasure, instead of waiting for them to learn solely from their peers or the internet. According to the Pediatric Clinics of North America, a parent's role in sexuality education is vital and is associated with increased engagement in safer sex practices during adolescence. 

WHERE TO BEGIN THE CONVERSATION

• Start early. According to the CDC, by age 2+ your child will begin to identify certain body parts. Use scientifically accurate terminology (e.g., vulva, penis, scrotum and nipples) during everyday activities including bath time and diaper changes. By normalizing use of accurate names of body parts, your child will be better able to communicate with you if they have an injury or are experiencing any discomfort. During bath time you can discuss the importance of hygiene and demonstrate how to properly wash their genitals, while teaching them to do so on their own as they develop. 

• Create a judgment free zone. Toddlers commonly touch their genitals, so if you see your child exploring their genitals, let them know that touching their own body can feel good and it is also something to do in the privacy of their own rooms. Oftentimes, genital exploration is more about self soothing versus sexual stimulation and this is a normal part of development. This can also be an opportunity to talk about boundaries and which parts of the home are on versus off limits for self-exploration. For example, if your child  begins touching their genitals at the dinner table, you can reiterate that they are welcome to touch themselves in their room or bathroom, but not at the dinner table. As you child develops, their curiosity around sexuality and self pleasure may increase. 

• Safer sex. Discuss different types of sex with your adolescents such as dry humping, oral, anal, and vaginal intercourse. Explain that some forms of sexual exploration may be safer than others, and while abstinence is an option, it is most important that they are informed about their body and how to practice safer sex before doing so with a partner. Research suggests that abstinence-only education methods are ineffective in reducing teenage pregnancy and may have an inverse effect on pregnancy outcomes whereas comprehensive sexuality education better prepares young people to be informed and sexually responsible. Making condoms and dental dams easily available at home (i.e., in a bathroom drawer) and talking with teens about birth control options can help them be more prepared for practicing safer sex.

Photo by Kinkazoid

THINGS TO DO

• Educate your kiddos. Share educational videos with your child and stock their at-home library with developmentally appropriate sexuality books. According to Planned Parenthood, reading books with younger children is a great way to introduce them to the subject of sexuality. Children age 10+ may benefit from reading on their own and then checking in with you afterwards. If reading independently, ask your child what they learned and if they have any questions. Monitor your own reactions by taking a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts before answering questions. If you’re not sure how to answer a question, tell them that you have to think about their question because you value their curiosity and you’ll get back to them. 

• Normalize conversations about bodies and sex. Having regular conversations about sexuality and pleasure demonstrates that these topics are important and normal. By beginning the dialogue early, you will be able to share developmental information slowly, at a digestible pace. Children are eager to learn and having access to developmentally appropriate information is key. For example, if your child asks you where babies come from, your answer will be different when they are pre-kindergarten compared to in fifth grade. When your child is in kindergarten, you may say babies come out of a pregnant person’s uterus. However, as they develop, your explanations will begin to become more complex. Starting around fourth grade you may introduce the concept of gestation and birth through the vaginal canal. When talking about sexuality to your eighth grader, include STI’s, pregnancy prevention, pleasure, and how one can enjoy themselves solo or with a partner(s). 

TOPICS TO INCLUDE

• Media Literacy. Media literacy is a concept that is particularly useful when educating young people about body image and sexually explicit materials. By explaining that movies are made for entertainment and that real life can be very different from what they see online or on television, this helps them develop more realistic expectations. The goal here is for young people to interact with all forms of media while thinking critically about the content they are viewing. 

• Pornography. If you find your child exploring pornography, it is important to communicate that porn is designed for adult entertainment and explain the difference between fantasy and reality. Talking about porn can be an opportunity to explore how all bodies are different and all bodies are beautiful. While you can put parental controls on your devices at home, this won’t stop a curious child from exploring pornography outside of the home. Thus, it is important to talk about the unrealistic aspects of media and how that might affect their view of sexuality and pleasure. 

• Consent. Practicing consent with children throughout the life course promotes safety, respect, boundaries and builds healthy relationships. Encourage young people to ask before engaging in physical affection (e.g., hugs) and say so if they do not want physical affection from a family member. Model consent in conversation by asking children for permission before touching them. Tickling is another opportunity to demonstrate consent. Ask for permission before beginning, and listen to your child when they want you to stop during tickling sessions. When being affectionate with your partner(s) in front of your child, ask your partner(s) for a kiss or a hug and then proceed only after your partner clearly expresses a yes. This helps reinforce consent and bodily autonomy. 

• Boundaries. Kids mirror and absorb so much information through nonverbal and verbal communication, including through your relationship with other adults. Having healthy boundaries benefits children throughout their lives, especially when it comes to sexuality. By teaching and modeling how to create and communicate boundaries, your child will be better able to advocate for themselves in relationships with others.

The benefits to being a sex-positive caregiver will outweigh any discomfort that may initially come up for you. Taking an active role in children’s sexuality education is crucial to their wellbeing. If you're still feeling hesitant about discussing sexuality with your child, consider our online parenting program, Building Ease Talking About the Birds and the Bees®, or sex ed parent coaching.

How to Support Your Child When They Come Out

Parents want the best for their children. Parents also do not always have the right answer. That’s okay! That’s where we come in. If you aren’t sure what to do if or when your child comes out to you, this article is a good starting point. The most important thing you can do is validate your child’s experience and make sure they know you love them no matter how they identify. 

WHAT TO DO

• Thank them for trusting you with this vulnerable information (e.g., their feelings, disclosure, identity, etc.) 

• Listen to understand, not to respond 

• Ask how you can best support them. They may not know immediately, but it’s important that they know you want to support them and are open for feedback

• Read up more about the identity they have shared with you. Organizations like Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) are a great resource

• Make sure they know that you love them and that your love is not conditional

• Ask for help! If you leave a coming out conversation with your child feeling like your head is spinning, try to find a support resource that will work for you. Maybe that looks like attending a PFLAG meeting, reaching out to a sexuality educator or family therapist who specializes in working with LGTBQ+ individuals, or cruising vetted online forums. There are tons of resources for people just like you; you’re not alone! *There is a contingency with whom you can ask for help. See below for elaboration.  

WHAT NOT TO DO: 

• Avoid saying,“I knew it!” or any variation thereof, even if you did have a hunch. This is a vulnerable moment for your child and they probably had to work up immense courage to tell you. If you say you already knew, it deflates the emotional labor they put in to be able to tell you. 

• Do not say, “you’re too young to know!”. First of all, youth do know what their truth is right now and they have just told it to you. It does no one any good for you to try to dispute their feelings because feelings can’t be wrong. Children generally know their gender identity by age 5 and sexual orientation in later childhood/early teen hood. Please note, however, that these are not hard and fast “deadlines,” but touch-points-of-guidance. Maybe down the line they’ll identify differently and that’s normal, because sexuality is fluid. Either way, all you accomplish by saying this is invalidating them and making them lose trust in you. 

• If you have some internalized shame or beliefs that’s fine, almost everyone does. It’s how we’ve been societally conditioned. That being said, it is your issue to work through, not your child’s. Do not put those feelings on them. Avoid burdening your child with your own discomfort around non-straight orientations or non-cisgender gender identities. 

• Never pressure them to share more or to tell you anything they aren’t comfortable talking about. Let them come to you when they’re ready.

  *Definitely avoid telling anyone else before your child discloses to them or gives you explicit permission. Anyone else can include your partner(s), sibling(s), best friend,... it means no one. This is your child’s information to share and theirs alone. 

When a child is coming out to you, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed or unsure exactly what to say. It makes sense if you want to do the best for your child and feel insecure at the same time. Don’t make this out to be more than it is; that will only make you and your child uncomfortable and/or more anxious. At the end of the day, let them do the talking, respond with love and validation, and the rest will follow. The only thing left to do is for you to stock up on rainbow clothing!

Spreading Awareness At Home

As some of you may know, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Much of what we see in the media concerning prevention of sexual assault is geared towards women (who make up the majority of victims/ survivors). Many articles are written describing the steps women can take to prevent being sexually assaulted. Some of these steps include never walk alone at night, never take a drink from a stranger, be careful how you dress, safety in numbers. While these are all wonderful reminders (and often necessary in this day and age), they are still victim blaming in nature. They also refute the statistics about sexual assault that say most survivors of sexual assault know their perpetrators. Sexual assault rarely occurs at the hand of a stranger in an a dark alley as movies and TV shows like us to believe. 

The only way to truly prevent sexual assault from occurring is to directly engage with potential perpetrators. And, since most perpetrators are men, I believe that we must start to educate boys around expectations, disappointment, and consent. Not only should sex education in schools include these topics, there are ways we can incorporate these lessons in every day life. 

The ways in which I talk to my kids about love, respect, and body autonomy also embody these values. I teach my children that they do not owe anyone their body. They do not have to hug or kiss any family members just because they love them. My children have complete body autonomy and decide when and who they engage with physically. This does not mean I am not teaching them manners and respect of elders. However, they get to choose how they greet them. They may hug and kiss, shake hands, fist bump or simply nod but they are learning to look people in the eye and acknowledge them respectfully. Feelings of love do not equate to physical interactions. I also ask their permission for physical affection. I do not believe I am entitled to hugs and kisses because I love them. I want them to internalize the fact that simply because you love someone or they love you, does not mean they will want to engage in physical contact with them. At times this is difficult but it also teaches them the concept of body autonomy. 

We also stop any activity once someone says “STOP”. This was a more difficult lesson for them to learn. They would often yell stop while being tickled and not mean it. But in our house, the word stop (and any other statements like it) are taken very seriously. I want them to know that stop means stop and no means no. I also include the idea of consent and body autonomy when I have to interfere in physical fights between the two. I use language that includes ”You may not touch her body without her permission” and “You may not touch him in ways that he does not consent to”. I want them to be comfortable with these concepts from a young age.

We also have conversations about entitlement and ways to deal with and process disappointment. I validate their feelings while helping them to understand that they must earn respect and permission. Disappointment is difficult for children, it’s difficult for some adults as well. They are encouraged to express emotions but they also know that they are not owed anything in this world. As they have gotten older, my kids have come to realize that disappointment is a part of life and they, at times, can use this disappointment to work harder to get the things they desire. They are learning that at times that means giving a person space, or respecting others, not just actively pursuing the things they want. I want my daughter to understand she does not owe anyone her body and I want my son to internalize that he is not owed anything simply because he is male. These are lessons that will serve them well in many aspect of life. 

Until we teach our children these core values, we will continue to see sexual assault at the rates we have seen in the past. Until then, we must continue to provide survivors and potential survivors with the resources they need to protect themselves. Additional resources on parenting and sexual abuse and assault prevention can be found here.