Spreading Awareness At Home

As some of you may know, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Much of what we see in the media concerning prevention of sexual assault is geared towards women (who make up the majority of victims/ survivors). Many articles are written describing the steps women can take to prevent being sexually assaulted. Some of these steps include never walk alone at night, never take a drink from a stranger, be careful how you dress, safety in numbers. While these are all wonderful reminders (and often necessary in this day and age), they are still victim blaming in nature. They also refute the statistics about sexual assault that say most survivors of sexual assault know their perpetrators. Sexual assault rarely occurs at the hand of a stranger in an a dark alley as movies and TV shows like us to believe. 

The only way to truly prevent sexual assault from occurring is to directly engage with potential perpetrators. And, since most perpetrators are men, I believe that we must start to educate boys around expectations, disappointment, and consent. Not only should sex education in schools include these topics, there are ways we can incorporate these lessons in every day life. 

The ways in which I talk to my kids about love, respect, and body autonomy also embody these values. I teach my children that they do not owe anyone their body. They do not have to hug or kiss any family members just because they love them. My children have complete body autonomy and decide when and who they engage with physically. This does not mean I am not teaching them manners and respect of elders. However, they get to choose how they greet them. They may hug and kiss, shake hands, fist bump or simply nod but they are learning to look people in the eye and acknowledge them respectfully. Feelings of love do not equate to physical interactions. I also ask their permission for physical affection. I do not believe I am entitled to hugs and kisses because I love them. I want them to internalize the fact that simply because you love someone or they love you, does not mean they will want to engage in physical contact with them. At times this is difficult but it also teaches them the concept of body autonomy. 

We also stop any activity once someone says “STOP”. This was a more difficult lesson for them to learn. They would often yell stop while being tickled and not mean it. But in our house, the word stop (and any other statements like it) are taken very seriously. I want them to know that stop means stop and no means no. I also include the idea of consent and body autonomy when I have to interfere in physical fights between the two. I use language that includes ”You may not touch her body without her permission” and “You may not touch him in ways that he does not consent to”. I want them to be comfortable with these concepts from a young age.

We also have conversations about entitlement and ways to deal with and process disappointment. I validate their feelings while helping them to understand that they must earn respect and permission. Disappointment is difficult for children, it’s difficult for some adults as well. They are encouraged to express emotions but they also know that they are not owed anything in this world. As they have gotten older, my kids have come to realize that disappointment is a part of life and they, at times, can use this disappointment to work harder to get the things they desire. They are learning that at times that means giving a person space, or respecting others, not just actively pursuing the things they want. I want my daughter to understand she does not owe anyone her body and I want my son to internalize that he is not owed anything simply because he is male. These are lessons that will serve them well in many aspect of life. 

Until we teach our children these core values, we will continue to see sexual assault at the rates we have seen in the past. Until then, we must continue to provide survivors and potential survivors with the resources they need to protect themselves. Additional resources on parenting and sexual abuse and assault prevention can be found here.

4 Important Subjects Netflix’s Sex Education Aced in Season Two

If you’re a sex nerd like me, you have undoubtedly been watching Sex Education, which just released its second season on Netflix. If you haven’t seen it, get to it! It’s a smart, charming series surrounding Otis Milburn, a teenager at an English high school, who uses the wisdom passed on from his sex therapist mother to help his classmates with a variety of sexual topics, in exchange for a small fee. As you can guess, it’s not always that simple and Otis must come to terms with his own sex life and all that comes with it. 

Season Two has featured many great, unheralded sexual topics through its cast of characters. These are the four topics I’m totally pumped they covered this season.

*Warning, spoilers ahead*

1. Sexual Trauma Episode Three

Aimee, the caring but often naïve classmate of Otis is riding the bus to school as she always does when a stranger publicly masturbates and ejaculates on her pants, causing her to get off the crowded bus. Thinking of it nothing more than an annoying way to ruin a great pair of jeans, her friend, Maeve, urges her to go to the police station and file a report. Once Aimee realizes that the situation she experienced was sexual assault, her attitude begins to change and symptoms of sexual trauma emerge. Aimee becomes terrified of the bus, repelled by physical touch, even with her partner, and confides in her friends for help.

With the prevalence of sexual assault affecting over 80% of women in their lifetime, talking about sexual trauma is more important than ever. It is also common for survivors of sexual trauma to experience physical symptoms such as difficulty sleeping, feeling disconnected from one’s body, loss of control, as well as increased depression and anxiety. Young women are particularly at risk, with current estimates indicating that 1 in 5 college-aged women will experience sexual harassment on campus. While the reality of these statistics is stark, it is important that survivors of sexual trauma can get connected with the care and resources they need. To learn more about how to support survivors, checkout the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline, and a local hotline. 

2. Asexuality Episode Four

Florence, the a-bit-out-there star of the school production of Romeo and Juliet begins receiving pressure from her classmates to try to sleep with Jackson, the heart throb college bound jock turned thespian co-star. It is then that Florence realizes that she doesn’t just not want to have sex with Jackson, she doesn’t want to have sex with anyone. When she describes her feelings as “surrounded by a huge feast of everything I’ve wanted to eat, but I’m not hungry.” Dr. Milburn explains the concept of asexuality.

Asexuality is a sexual orientation that refers to a person who does not experience sexual attraction. We are so glad that Sex Education is increasing the visibility of asexuality, particularly because asexuality can be misunderstood and underrepresented in media. People who identify as asexual may also experience romantic or sensual attraction. Sexuality exists on a continuum and there are nuances to what each individual may experience. To learn more about asexuality and the ACE community, checkout The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), the world’s largest online community providing wonderful resources on asexuality. 

3. Douching Episode Six

When Anwar, the snobby but sexually vulnerable classmate of Otis, begins exploring anal sex with his boyfriend for the first time, he becomes anxious when he questions the cleanliness of his anus. He makes up an excuse to not proceed with the encounter, then asks Otis if he knows anything about how to douche.

Douching is the practice of cleansing and washing the body, in particular the genitals. The word douche, in French, means to shower -- a natural translation. Most commonly, people discuss the practice of vaginal or rectal or anal douching. Anal douching is commonly practiced to eliminate bacteria in the anus, which makes some people feel more comfortable before engaging in anal sex. Some experts warn against anal douching due to the possibility of injury and because certain cleansing agents can interfere with the electrolytes in the body by removing healthy intestinal flora that otherwise promote healthy gut health. If you are going to douche, make sure to educate yourself on the risks and engage in safety practices.

4. Vaginismus Episode Eight

Finally, in the season finale, Ola and Lily have finally begun exploring their feelings for each other and attempt digital penetration. It is then when Lily reveals to Ola that she suffers from vaginismus, which makes her vagina “like a venus fly trap.”

‘Closing up like a venus fly trap’ may not be the best clinical description of vaginismus, but for some, the spasm-like response resonates. Vaginismus is defined as the recurrent or persistent involuntary contractions (spasm) of vaginal muscles that generally results in distress and pain during sex, specifically with any type of vaginal penetration. Sexuality education, pelvic floor physical therapy, and sex therapy can be effective treatment options for vaginismus. Vaginal dilators, which were also showcased in the episode, are often incorporated during pelvic floor physical therapy to help strengthen vaginal elasticity. While not thrilled that Lily was experiencing physical discomfort during sex, I am pleased to see that vaginismus is being brought to the forefront.

I  love a show that normalizes very, well, normal sexual issues, behaviors, disorders and methods and brings them into the consciousness of the open public. Sex Education is not only funny, entertaining, sweet but also very accurate and important toward breaking sexual stigmas and learning how to talk about topics that affect us all. Way to go Netflix!