As some of you may know, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Much of what we see in the media concerning prevention of sexual assault is geared towards women (who make up the majority of victims/ survivors). Many articles are written describing the steps women can take to prevent being sexually assaulted. Some of these steps include never walk alone at night, never take a drink from a stranger, be careful how you dress, safety in numbers. While these are all wonderful reminders (and often necessary in this day and age), they are still victim blaming in nature. They also refute the statistics about sexual assault that say most survivors of sexual assault know their perpetrators. Sexual assault rarely occurs at the hand of a stranger in an a dark alley as movies and TV shows like us to believe.
The only way to truly prevent sexual assault from occurring is to directly engage with potential perpetrators. And, since most perpetrators are men, I believe that we must start to educate boys around expectations, disappointment, and consent. Not only should sex education in schools include these topics, there are ways we can incorporate these lessons in every day life.
The ways in which I talk to my kids about love, respect, and body autonomy also embody these values. I teach my children that they do not owe anyone their body. They do not have to hug or kiss any family members just because they love them. My children have complete body autonomy and decide when and who they engage with physically. This does not mean I am not teaching them manners and respect of elders. However, they get to choose how they greet them. They may hug and kiss, shake hands, fist bump or simply nod but they are learning to look people in the eye and acknowledge them respectfully. Feelings of love do not equate to physical interactions. I also ask their permission for physical affection. I do not believe I am entitled to hugs and kisses because I love them. I want them to internalize the fact that simply because you love someone or they love you, does not mean they will want to engage in physical contact with them. At times this is difficult but it also teaches them the concept of body autonomy.
We also stop any activity once someone says “STOP”. This was a more difficult lesson for them to learn. They would often yell stop while being tickled and not mean it. But in our house, the word stop (and any other statements like it) are taken very seriously. I want them to know that stop means stop and no means no. I also include the idea of consent and body autonomy when I have to interfere in physical fights between the two. I use language that includes ”You may not touch her body without her permission” and “You may not touch him in ways that he does not consent to”. I want them to be comfortable with these concepts from a young age.
We also have conversations about entitlement and ways to deal with and process disappointment. I validate their feelings while helping them to understand that they must earn respect and permission. Disappointment is difficult for children, it’s difficult for some adults as well. They are encouraged to express emotions but they also know that they are not owed anything in this world. As they have gotten older, my kids have come to realize that disappointment is a part of life and they, at times, can use this disappointment to work harder to get the things they desire. They are learning that at times that means giving a person space, or respecting others, not just actively pursuing the things they want. I want my daughter to understand she does not owe anyone her body and I want my son to internalize that he is not owed anything simply because he is male. These are lessons that will serve them well in many aspect of life.
Until we teach our children these core values, we will continue to see sexual assault at the rates we have seen in the past. Until then, we must continue to provide survivors and potential survivors with the resources they need to protect themselves. Additional resources on parenting and sexual abuse and assault prevention can be found here.
