Holiday Gift Ideas For Each of the 5 Love Languages

With the holidays right around the corner, you might be thinking about what to get for your loved ones. Gift-giving can be daunting but a great starting point is to think about the recipient’s primary love language(s ).

The idea of the five love languages is based on The 5 Love Languages book by Dr. Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor*. The website explains that when you identify the love languages preferences of yourself and the people you love, you can connect on a deeper level and understand how to fulfill needs more easily and effectively. The five outlined are acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch. 

Gift Ideas   

Acts of Service 

For people who receive love primarily through acts of service, it’s most meaningful when their loved ones help them out by doing things like making them breakfast, taking over a chore for them, or running an errand for them. 

• Cooking them a meal

  • Bringing them breakfast in bed

• Making a “coupon book” with various chores and errands that the recipient can cash in when they want the giver to take over that task

• Give them a gift card for a home cleaning service

Receiving Gifts

For people who receive love primarily through receiving gifts, they feel loved when they receive meaningful tangible items. A common misconception is that people with this love language are greedy or materialistic; however, it’s not about what the item is but about giving them a tangible reminder that they are loved. For this love language, gift-giving is a little different because it will highly vary from person to person what will mean the most. 

• Consider a multi-part gift that requires opening several packages. This might be something like a spa set where each package has a different self-care item or a customized puzzle where you give them the pieces over a course of days and they have to figure out how to assemble it. If you’re not feeling inspired, there’s also a resource called The Days of Gifts that sends multi-day gift packages based on a questionnaire filled out by the giver. 

• Subscription-based gifts are another great “gift that keeps on giving” for your gift-receiving love language loved one.

• Something sentimental like a customized accessory with a photo attached to a fun memory

Quality Time

For people who receive love primarily through quality time, they feel the most loved when they get to spend uninterrupted time with their loved one. 

• Plan an adventure whether that’s a day trip to a nearby city or hiking or whatever other kind of excursion suits the recipient’s interests

• Make a date jar (regardless of whether it’s a romantic or platonic relationship!). Get a container (if you’re feeling crafty, you can decorate it too!) and fill it with slips of paper with ideas for ways you can spend time together

• Take a cooking class together 

Words of Affirmation

For people who receive love primarily through words of affirmation, they feel the most loved when their loved ones share written or spoken kind and complimentary words. 

• Make an affirmation jar! Similar to the concept of the date jar, this involves getting a container and filling it with slips of paper with compliments and kind words about the recipient

• Markup a favorite book with notes, inside jokes, and surprises like fun stickers

• Commission a photo word portrait. You send the artist any words, whether that’s a favorite poem or a letter you write yourself, and a photo and they combine the two to make a beautiful sentimental gift

Physical Touch 

For people who receive love primarily through physical touch, they feel the most loved when they get to be physically affectionate with their loved ones. 

• Buy some nice massage oils and give them a massage (this would likely be suitable only for romantic partners or close friends). If you’re not confident in your massage skills, book them a professional massage instead 

• Get them a weighted blanket, which many people find soothing and cozy 

• A “5 senses” gift where you pick out special items coordinating with each sense like their favorite snack for taste or their favorite cologne for smell
  

At the end of the day, the most important thing is that you put thought into your gifts because as long as you do that, it’s hard to go wrong. Even by reading this article, you clearly care about making your loved ones feel loved and are already putting thought into your gifts. Be thoughtful but don’t overthink or overly stress yourself out about it. Happy gift-giving!

*Disclaimer: ESW does not endorse the views of Gary Chapman. These examples are designed to correspond with the universal concept of the love languages and the general adoption of these concepts. For updated alternatives to the 5 love languages search "Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love" by Anne Hodder-Shipp and Jaiya's “Erotic Blueprint.”

Intimacy After Childbirth

Giving birth is one of the most incredible acts a human body can perform, as well as one of the most strenuous. After a hormonal, physically traumatic experience, it’s not uncommon for birth givers to not want intimacy afterwards. On top of the physical effects to the body and the emotional drain of birth, intimacy can be a difficult activity to prioritize with a newborn to tend to which sometimes involves breastfeeding, which is additionally physically draining. 

Generally, it takes six weeks from birth to be fully healed in and around the vulva and vagina, though this timeline varies from person to person. Engaging in penetrative intimate acts is generally not advisable before fully healing. That being said, each individual should prioritize the advice from their healthcare professional. It’s important to note that if and when everyone involved in the relationship does feel ready for penetrative sex, contraception is still vital as pregnancy is a risk regardless of whether or not the birthgiver is breastfeeding and whether or not their period has resumed. 

All partners involved should focus on practicing patience and flexibility with the postpartum intimacy timeline because you may feel ready at different paces. It’s likely that you’ll gradually progress, rather than going from feeling unready for any intimacy to ready for all types of intimacy in an instant. The progression might not even be linear, and it’s important to maintain an open line of communication as needs and boundaries shift. 

Both physical and emotional changes will factor into your timeline and individual boundaries and needs. Some physical changes after birth for the birth giver that may occur are aches and pains, vaginal dryness, and hormonal imbalances. All partners may experience exhaustion, feeling “touched out” from handling the newborn all day, and general emotional overwhelmedness. The changing dynamic that results from a child, whether they’re the first child or not, can be frustrating and difficult to navigate, resulting in feeling emotionally drained. For the birth giver, body image may additionally be difficult to navigate postpartum and intimacy may feel too exposing. Furthermore, for birth givers that choose to breastfeed, nursing releases oxytocin which increases bonding with the child but suppresses libido. Though physical intimacy may feel difficult in the midst of all these changes, it’s an important part of feeling connected to your partner(s).

As you navigate postpartum intimacy, you may want to keep the following tips in mind...

• Intimacy can look many ways and doesn’t necessarily need to have a sexual connotation. Cuddling, giving each other massages, and even emotional conversations can foster a feeling of intimacy. 

• It’s possible that intimacy won’t feel as good or desirable immediately after birth as it did before birth but that doesn’t mean it will stay that way forever.

• If physical intimacy doesn’t feel feasible, simply making time for one another and small caring gestures can make all the difference in maintaining an intimate emotional connection. 

• Physical intimacy and sex should happen on your terms, not how you feel you “should” practice it. Length and timing of intimacy, type of intimacy, or any other factor should function to make you feel connected and comfortable. 

  • For instance, though typically sensual time has a nighttime connotation, this doesn’t have to be the case. Especially for exhausted parents, bedtime may not foster a desire for intimacy. Shifting to earlier timing might be a good option when your schedules allow. 

  • Another example is length of intimacy; intimacy and sex don’t need to be long, drawn out sessions if that doesn’t sound good. Quickies are your friend! 

• Remember that while changes in a relationship dynamic, changes in libido, hormonal changes, and low energy are frustrating parts of navigating postpartum life, they are all completely normal. They, too, shall pass. 

Everyone’s postpartum intimacy journey is a deeply personal experience but some useful external resources that may help guide you are… 

• Sexual health and intimacy after childbirth

• First-time parents' experiences of proximity and intimacy after childbirth - A qualitative study

• Sex After Birth: What to Expect and How Long to Wait

• Sexual Intimacy After Childbirth: When It Isn't Like Before

Above all, give yourself and your partner(s) as much grace as possible and try to practice patience. Encountering challenges is part of the journey and eventually, everything will find its place in your life.

Tips for Supporting Your LGBTQIA+ Children

Happy Pride Month! To kick off June, we’re building off a previous article about supporting your child when they come out as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community. Supporting a child when they come out is vital to building trust and support between you but just as important, if not more important, is the ensuing ongoing support on a quotidian basis. This will naturally look somewhat different from family to family, identity to identity, age to age, and so on, but the general principles of honesty, support, and love apply to every circumstance. 

A few basic tips include 

• Be willing to suspend your preconceived notions of gender and sexuality

• Be prepared to be confused and sometimes overwhelmed

• Be willing to be a learner and not a teacher

• Be open to asking questions rather than making assumptions

In addition to these tips, a major way you can support an LGBTQIA+ child is by doing your research if you haven’t already. There is an abundance of readily accessible educational materials available online so while this blog post will mention a few, it is by no means an exhaustive list of useful resources. It’s important to not only understand your child’s personal experience, but also the societal structures and the gender binary as a whole in order to fully understand how your child fits into the world around them. Once you feel more familiar with the concept, you can start helping your child to understand it and themselves more fully. It’s understandable to be overwhelmed; if you aren’t already familiar with these ideas, they can be a lot to process. Throughout this process, pay attention to your feelings and make sure you’re practicing adequate self-care in order to sustainably support your child long term. 

Gender Identity

The following resources are excerpted from a resource page related to a zine about the gender binary. You can find the full list here. Embrace Sexual Wellness also has its own resource page here.

• Explained: Difference between gender, gender expression 

• GLAAD Media Reference Guide - Transgender

• The Coloniality of Gender

• The Struggles of Rejecting the Gender Binary 

• Understanding Non-Binary People

• What Is Gender Expression?

• How to use neopronouns in sentences

• Inclusivity tips

• Map of Gender diverse Cultures

• More on Neopronouns (further resources included on the page) 

• You Could Never Misgender Me

• Female Masculinity - Jack Halberstam (published under “Judith Halberstam”)

• Gender Outlaw - Kate Bornstein

• How Beautiful The Ordinary: Twelve Stories Of Identity - Ed. Michael Cart

• Stone Butch Blues - Leslie Feinberg

• Trans Bodies, Trans Selves: A Resource for the Transgender Community edited by Laura Erickson-Schroth

• Undoing Gender - Judith Butler

Sexuality

• Parents: Quick Tips for Supporting Your LGBTQIA Kids and Yourself During the Coming Out Process 

• 5 Things You Can Do Today To Support LGBTQIA Youth

• Talking Sex, Puberty & Relationships: A Resource for Parents  

• Teaching My Preschooler About Gender Identity

• AMAZE - Age appropriate info on sexual orientation - this is also a great resource to share with your child!  

• Sister Outsider - Audre Lorde

• Gender Trouble - Judith Butler

• Black Queer Hoe - Britteney Black Rose Capri

• Angels in America - Tony Kushner

• This Book is Gay - Juno and James Dawson

• The History of Sexuality - Michel Foucault

• Countersexual Manifesto - Paul B. Preciado

If you’re struggling to process all this new information, consider joining a support group like those run by PFLAG. You can find your local chapter here. Also consider looking into whether or not you have a local independently run LGBTQIA+ support and wellness center. 

Beyond educating yourself and your child about their identity, tangible ways you can support your LGBTQIA+ child are to get involved in local activism for LGBTQIA+ rights, support their autonomous self-expression, and love them no matter what. Activism can involve volunteering at a local LGBTQIA+ support center, volunteering with a national organization like PFLAG or the Trevor Project, patronizing LGBTQIA+ businesses, or any other way that suits your lifestyle. To support your child’s right to self-expression, avoid trying to control what they wear (unless it’s a matter of safety or appropriateness), respect their boundaries, give them opportunities to socialize with other LGBTQIA+ peers if possible, and support their continued self-reflection and growth. Finally, the core part of your approach should be to lead with love; in a world that constantly invalidates LGBTQIA+ people, LGBTQIA+ children deserve to feel supported and loved within their immediate circle. That starts with you. 

You’re off to a great start seeking advice from a trusted source like this blog. While the advice inherently cannot be one size fits all, ongoing communication about your youth’s specific needs will allow you to tailor it to your life. This is why it’s vital to keep the lines of communication open, lead with love and non-judgment, and make your child feel safe so they can trust you with their needs. You won’t get everything right on the first try and that’s okay. Your best is enough and as long as you’re trying, that’s all anyone can ask of you.