Giving birth is one of the most incredible acts a human body can perform, as well as one of the most strenuous. After a hormonal, physically traumatic experience, it’s not uncommon for birth givers to not want intimacy afterwards. On top of the physical effects to the body and the emotional drain of birth, intimacy can be a difficult activity to prioritize with a newborn to tend to which sometimes involves breastfeeding, which is additionally physically draining.
Generally, it takes six weeks from birth to be fully healed in and around the vulva and vagina, though this timeline varies from person to person. Engaging in penetrative intimate acts is generally not advisable before fully healing. That being said, each individual should prioritize the advice from their healthcare professional. It’s important to note that if and when everyone involved in the relationship does feel ready for penetrative sex, contraception is still vital as pregnancy is a risk regardless of whether or not the birthgiver is breastfeeding and whether or not their period has resumed.
All partners involved should focus on practicing patience and flexibility with the postpartum intimacy timeline because you may feel ready at different paces. It’s likely that you’ll gradually progress, rather than going from feeling unready for any intimacy to ready for all types of intimacy in an instant. The progression might not even be linear, and it’s important to maintain an open line of communication as needs and boundaries shift.
Both physical and emotional changes will factor into your timeline and individual boundaries and needs. Some physical changes after birth for the birth giver that may occur are aches and pains, vaginal dryness, and hormonal imbalances. All partners may experience exhaustion, feeling “touched out” from handling the newborn all day, and general emotional overwhelmedness. The changing dynamic that results from a child, whether they’re the first child or not, can be frustrating and difficult to navigate, resulting in feeling emotionally drained. For the birth giver, body image may additionally be difficult to navigate postpartum and intimacy may feel too exposing. Furthermore, for birth givers that choose to breastfeed, nursing releases oxytocin which increases bonding with the child but suppresses libido. Though physical intimacy may feel difficult in the midst of all these changes, it’s an important part of feeling connected to your partner(s).
As you navigate postpartum intimacy, you may want to keep the following tips in mind...
Intimacy can look many ways and doesn’t necessarily need to have a sexual connotation. Cuddling, giving each other massages, and even emotional conversations can foster a feeling of intimacy.
It’s possible that intimacy won’t feel as good or desirable immediately after birth as it did before birth but that doesn’t mean it will stay that way forever.
If physical intimacy doesn’t feel feasible, simply making time for one another and small caring gestures can make all the difference in maintaining an intimate emotional connection.
Physical intimacy and sex should happen on your terms, not how you feel you “should” practice it. Length and timing of intimacy, type of intimacy, or any other factor should function to make you feel connected and comfortable.
For instance, though typically sensual time has a nighttime connotation, this doesn’t have to be the case. Especially for exhausted parents, bedtime may not foster a desire for intimacy. Shifting to earlier timing might be a good option when your schedules allow.
Another example is length of intimacy; intimacy and sex don’t need to be long, drawn out sessions if that doesn’t sound good. Quickies are your friend!
Remember that while changes in a relationship dynamic, changes in libido, hormonal changes, and low energy are frustrating parts of navigating postpartum life, they are all completely normal. They, too, shall pass.
Everyone’s postpartum intimacy journey is a deeply personal experience but some useful external resources that may help guide you are…
Above all, give yourself and your partner(s) as much grace as possible and try to practice patience. Encountering challenges is part of the journey and eventually, everything will find its place in your life.
