Curious About Differences in Desire? Here Are 3 Tips to Address Desire Discrepancy

Desire discrepancy is when the libidos of people in a relationship do not align. The two types of libido are responsive and spontaneous which differ in how your desire for sex is initiated. People with responsive desire experience physical arousal before mental desire, whereas those with spontaneous desire experience mental desire first and then the physical arousal. Mental desire is being turned on in your mind and wanting (either hypothetically or literally) sexual stimulation, while physical arousal manifests in your body such as getting an erection.

This binary of responsive versus spontaneous is helpful for understanding how one’s personal experience of libido compares relative to others; however, that is not to say that this type of libido is fixed or exists strictly in black or white. While many people do tend towards one or the other, libido is flexible and can change with time, age, relationship status, and more. Neither type is better or worse, nor anything that needs to be fixed, but having this information about oneself can be helpful in successfully navigating a healthy sex life.

Though there is nothing inherently wrong with either type, it of course can be frustrating if your desire type doesn’t align with the person/people you’re having sex with. This is what we call desire discrepancy. If this is something you’re struggling with, consider some of these approaches:

Explore non-sexual intimacy

• Physical intimacy can take many, many forms and getting creative is a good way to feel more physically connected with your sexual partner(s). Massages, cuddling, backscratching, and hugging are all great options for non-sexual physical touch.

Consider an open relationship

• If you’re in a monogamous relationship and therefore only have sex with your partner, desire discrepancy can be a major obstacle to sexual satisfaction. Opening up your relationship is a much bigger deal than just saying you want to, but it could be a good option in instances where desire discrepancy is the root of major tension in the relationship. Here is an Embrace Sexual Wellness article that goes into detail about how to open a monogamous relationship.

Talk to a sex therapist (either as an individual or as a relationship)

• Sex therapists are an amazing resource for sorting through sexual obstacles like desire discrepancy. They have knowledge about potential root causes of someone’s libido type, how to diffuse tension related to desire discrepancy, and creative problem solving that takes everyone’s needs into account. Working with a dedicated therapist also has the capacity to increase empathy on all sides, improving communication overall. If you live in Illinois, reach out to Embrace Sexual Wellness for a consultation.

Desire discrepancy does not mean anyone is at fault and will require patience and empathy on all sides to work through. This issue, like all other relationship issues, isn’t person versus person; it’s you all against the problem.

Experiencing Seasonal Depression? Here Are a Few Tips to Manage Symptoms

Seasonal depression, otherwise known as seasonal affective disorder (SAD), is a type of depression related to the changes in seasons For most people, symptoms start in the fall and continue into the winter months. They often resolve during the spring and summer months. In less frequent cases, SAD causes depression in the spring or early summer and resolves during the fall or winter months. Symptoms include fatigue, loss of interest in pleasurable activities, and intense sadness, among other things. It’s not an uncommon challenge so if you experience this, you are far from alone. Luckily, there are things you can do to mitigate the intensity of your symptoms.

1) Try a light therapy lamp 

• Sunlight lamps emit light that simulates sunlight. There’s research that says sitting in front of it for 30 minutes right when you wake up can improve seasonal depression symptoms. The thinking is that this assists your circadian rhythm, making you feel more alert. For best results, you should use light therapy under the recommendation and guidance of a psychiatric professional.

2) Get outdoors

• Getting outside, even when it’s grey is easier said than done, yet highly effective. Going out and taking a walk, ideally around noon when the sun is brightest, is a great way to get a mood boost. Though challenging, trying to create a positive relationship with the season can help offset the SAD.

3) Talk to a doctor about using vitamin D or antidepressants

• If SAD is severely incapacitating you and disallowing you from functioning in the ways you typically do, consider seeing a doctor to talk about vitamin D supplements and/or antidepressants as a treatment option.

Seasonal depression is a challenge but luckily there are options for addressing it. If you’re struggling, consider seeing a mental health professional and/or your primary care physician for treatment options. We wish you an easy winter season for those of you experiencing winter SAD. 

Looking to Enjoy Sex When Trying to Conceive? Here Are 4 Tips

Conceiving is an exciting time for a lot of reasons, but sexiness isn’t generally known as one of them. The process of trying to conceive for some can border on business at times between tactics like tracking ovulation cycles and scheduling sex. Regardless of efficacy, this definitely takes some of the fun and pleasure out of sex and it can start to feel like more of a chore than anything else. Having sex with a goal doesn’t mean it has to be devoid of fun! Here are some tips for enjoying sex while conceiving is on the brain:

1) Switch it up

• Perhaps an obvious point, but an important one nonetheless, keep it fresh! Whether that means trying out sex toys, new positions, BDSM/kink, shared erotica or porn, new times of day, or another tactic, keeping it fresh will help retain the excitement that sex brings.

2) Try to enjoy the journey even though the motivation behind the sex is destination-oriented

• When you’re having sex more frequently than you might otherwise, it’s tempting to want to cut to the chase and skip the foreplay. All this will do in reality is diminish your enjoyment, and potentially make it harder to have sex at all; for instance, if you can’t produce lubrication because you haven’t had enough foreplay, penetration might not work at all. All this is to say that foreplay is worth the time and will make sex feel less like a chore. Furthermore, it will help you feel more connected to your partner and more at ease.

• A related point is to try to have both “goal oriented” sex for your conception journey and additionally, sex just for fun. If all your sex is goal oriented, the stress and pressure begins to be associated with sex might serve to discourage you from having it.

3) Spontaneity versus scheduling

• There are pros and cons to spontaneous sex versus scheduling sex. Spontaneous sex might feel more natural and less pressured, while scheduling sex allows for synchronicity with fertility cycles. Ultimately, it will depend on the personalities of the people in the relationship which one works better, but leave the door open for a combination of both (or at least try not to get stuck in the thought that one is empirically better than the other).

4) Spend some time apart

• This might seem counterintuitive to your ultimate goal but in fact, time apart will allow you both to have more “me time” to care for yourself. Conceiving to have a child is not only a physically process but an intensely emotional one and you owe it to yourself to care for yourself properly. Additionally, too much time together can be suffocating and make it hard to feel sexy when the time comes, so do yourself a favor and spend time alone.

Congratulations on your decision to try to conceive, and hopefully some of these tips will help you ensure that the journey is as enjoyable as possible while getting you where you want to be! If you continue to struggle to enjoy sex while conceiving and it becomes an issue, consider speaking to a sex therapist like one of the professionals at Embrace Sexual Wellness.