Tips for Coping with Identity Questions During Pride

June is pride month, a tradition that started following the Stonewall Riots, largely considered to be the beginning of the modern LGBTQ+ rights movement. It is a time for LGBTQ+ people to celebrate the progress that has been made, pay homage to queer ancestors, protest LGBTQ+ discrimination, and raise awareness of LGBTQ+ issues. But when you feel unsure as to where you fit into the LGBTQ+ community, or if you identify with it at all, this time of the year might bring up mixed emotions. American society defaults to assuming that everyone is cisgender and heterosexual so when you feel like you might not fit into one or both of those identities, questioning is a normal part of navigating it. In fact, being unsure about your identity is so common amongst the LGBTQ+ community that the “Q” in LGBTQ+ stands for both “queer” and “questioning.” If you fall into the “questioning” camp, this article will offer insight into how to navigate your questioning journey and how to approach your involvement in Pride Month events. 

How do I know if I am not cisgender?

Exploring and understanding your gender identity can be a complex journey. It is easy to feel overwhelmed by all the terminology and align your internal experience of gender with how gender identities are defined in words. Gender is a social construct, meaning that the way we understand and define gender identities is not based on objective truth but rather the expectations, behaviors, and roles that a society has assigned to each gender. In America, the mainstream understanding of gender is that it is a binary consisting of “man” and “woman,” but gender is actually a spectrum. Finding where you fall on that spectrum can feel complicated! There are a few things you can take into consideration to help guide your exploration.

Think about whether you feel a disconnect or discomfort with the gender expectations for your assigned sex at birth.

Some, but not all, transgender and non-binary people experience gender dysphoria, a type of psychological distress due to misalignment of one’s sex assigned at birth and gender identity. Dysphoria manifests differently from person to person, but if you feel uncomfortable in your body’s anatomy or dislike the way people perceive you based on gender expression associated with your assigned sex at birth, you might be experiencing gender dysphoria. According to the DSM-5, experiencing gender dysphoria symptoms, including incongruence between one’s gender and anatomy and a strong desire to be another gender and/or have different sex characteristics, for six months or longer qualifies a diagnosis.  

Reflect on which pronouns and gender expression make you feel the most like yourself. 

If you feel uncomfortable when people refer to you by the pronouns associated with your assigned sex at birth, that could be an indication that you are transgender or non-binary. An important caveat here is that pronouns do not always automatically equate with gender identity. Even though it is most common for women to use she/her pronouns, it is not necessary to use she/her pronouns if you identify as a woman. So understanding what pronouns feel validating to you is an important part of navigating gender identity, but it is not automatically the “answer” to how you identify. In addition to exploring which pronouns feel best, you can also try experimenting with gender expression. Gender expression is the way a person chooses to present their gender through appearance, pronouns, and voice. You can experiment with clothing, hair, jewelry, makeup, gender affirming padding like bras, and/or chest binding to see what feels the most you.        

How do I know if I am not heterosexual?

Heteronormativity is the assumption that heterosexuality is the ideal, superior, and default sexual orientation. When you grow up in a heteronormative society, questioning your sexuality is not an obvious option. Similar to gender, it is easy to feel overwhelmed by all the terminology and how your internal experience aligns with definitions associated with different sexualities. Some people know from a young age that they are not heterosexual while others do not figure it out until later in life. No matter what, there is no “correct” time to figure out that you are queer. Here are some suggestions to guide your exploration of your identity:

1. Engage with the LGBTQ+ community and speak with queer people about their experiences. 

Though everyone experiences their sexuality differently, there are patterns and commonalities that connect queer people so talking to others about their experiences and how they figured out their sexuality can provide valuable insight. 

2. Experiment with different intimate experiences and consuming LGBTQ+ media. 

If you are comfortable enough to experiment with being intimate with other people despite not knowing for sure what you will enjoy, this is a good way to test the waters. You should be transparent about your experimentation and uncertainty with any intimate partner because queer people, especially lesbians, have historically been objectified and sexualized by straight people. Some queer people will be totally cool with being an experimentation partner! That being said, it is important to be transparent that that is what you are doing. If you are not comfortable experimenting with another person yourself or you simply want an alternative for self-exploration, you can consume LGBTQ+ media and see how it feels.   

3. Don’t get caught up in labels. 

It is a very human impulse to want to put everyone and everything into an easily digestible box with a label. Some queer people find comfort in having a label to define themselves, while others feel suffocated and limited by it. You do not need a label to be valid in your queer identity.    

Can I still attend pride events if I am unsure of my identity?

Absolutely! Unless an event is advertised to be for a specific identity or group that you definitely do not align with (meaning, you are not identifying with this identity group), you are welcome at pride. Pride events are inclusive spaces where the only qualifying factor to attend is a desire to support and celebrate the LGBTQ+ community. In fact, pride events can be especially helpful to a questioning person; being around queer people and seeing how they express themselves might just be the enlightening moment you are looking for.     

Remember that there is no rush to label yourself or make a definitive decision about your identity on anyone’s timeline but your own. There is no right way or age to discover you are queer. Furthermore, gender and sexuality are fluid! They can change over time and that is okay too. Connecting with a supportive queer community, seeking guidance from LGBTQ+ celebratory therapists and support groups, and taking the time to educate yourself about different gender identities can all be valuable resources as you navigate your journey of self-discovery. Even while you are figuring it all out, you are always welcome at Pride events!

4 Tips for Introducing A New Name and Pronouns, from a Sexuality Educator

For some transgender and non-binary people, part of the coming out process includes letting your community know about a new name and/or pronouns. This can be a stressful proposition even for those in the most accepting environments so hopefully this guide will help you feel a bit more confident in your disclosure.

1) Assess whether it is safe to come out

• In a perfect world, everyone would be able to be called whatever makes them feel the most comfortable without alienation or abuse from those around them, but unfortunately, we do not live in a perfect world. Before deciding to come out, it would be wise to assess whether or not that’s a safe decision for you right now. It is painful to stay closeted, but being out is not worth trading your safety and mental wellbeing. If you aren’t sure whether or not it’s safe, perhaps try bringing up transgender people and pronouns in the abstract to gauge a reaction. 

• When dealing specifically with the workplace, despite the fact that in June 2020 the Supreme Court decided that “federal law prohibits anti-transgender discrimination in employment,” it’s important to keep in mind that that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be safe, especially when it comes to workplace harassment from coworkers. Illegal doesn’t mean impossible, unfortunately, and it’s important to keep your wellbeing in mind, not just your physical safety.

2) Practice with a trusted friend 

• If you’re fortunate to have someone you already know is accepting of transgender people in your life, try using them as a practice partner! An added bonus is practice with someone who knows the people you plan to come out to so they can give advice specific to those circumstances.

3) Express yourself clearly and simply

• There is still a deficit of understanding when it comes to using new names and pronouns so it would be wise to keep it as simple as possible. A sample script of what you might say is: “I identify as (gender) and as a result, I no longer feel that my name and/or pronouns suit me, so I’m now going by (name/pronouns. I understand it might be a difficult transition for you to call me this, but I would appreciate if you would try. If you still have questions, I’d be happy to share some resources with you.”  

4) Be ready to provide resources for further understanding

• Though the burden should not be on you to do so, you might have an easier time both with anxiety and the conversation itself if you feel prepared with research and additional reading for them to understand what you’re conveying to them.

  • Recommended Resources to share :

    1. Why We Ask Each Other Our Pronouns - Human Rights Campaign

    2. A Guide to Understanding Gender Identity and Pronouns

    3. Making a name for yourself: For trans people, it's 'life-changing'

    4. What Is Deadnaming and Why Is It Harmful?

    5. What are Gender Pronouns? Why Do They Matter?

    6. On The Importance Of Names

If you’re struggling to figure out whether or not coming out with a new name and/or pronouns is a good idea, or how to go about it, you might consider talking to a sex therapist like the ones at Embrace Sexual Wellness. This might be a challenge, but you don’t have to do it alone.

4 Ways to Support Your Child Through Gender Exploration

Children begin to develop their innate sense of gender identity between the ages of 3 to 5 so it makes sense to start thinking about how to support them early on. Gender identity is one’s internal sense of gender, whether that’s woman, man, neither, or both. For most people, gender identity aligns with their sex assigned at birth but for some, like transgender and non-binary people, this is not the case. Gender expression is the outward presentation, via behavior, appearance, and other characteristics, of one’s internal sense of gender. Both identity and presentation are rife for exploration from a young age and it’s important to a young person’s development to have a strong support network. It’s okay to not know exactly what that might entail which is why we created this guide to get you started.

1) Create a safe, judgment-free, validating environment for gender exploration

Make it both explicitly and implicitly (through behavior) clear that your child can come to you with any questions or concerns about gender without fear of repercussion. Aside from explicitly telling them this, you will convey acceptance by “showing not telling” in how you treat others. Furthermore, adults sometimes have a tendency not to believe children about gender questioning because they’re “too young” but doing so will only alienate them from you. Validate their thoughts, questions, and concerns, and if you’re feeling out of your depth, consider consulting a psychologist if that’s financially feasible for you.

2) Teach your child how to respect others’ gender identity

This is an important step regardless of your child’s gender identity/presentation. That being said, it’s extra important if your child is displaying signs of not aligning with their sex at birth because it teaches them both how to respect others, and how others should be respecting them. Some examples of teaching your child to respect others’ gender are:

• Introduce yourself with pronouns to encourage others to share theirs while in front of your child. With people you have an established relationship with, it may be appropriate to directly ask for their pronouns. However, with strangers, you don’t know if doing so puts them in an uncomfortable position by forcing them to out themselves or by them intentionally telling you the wrong pronouns (misgendering themselves) to avoid outing themselves in front of others.

• Talking to your child about the idea that all gender expression is valid, regardless of whether or not it aligns with our idea of what someone of that gender “should” look like

• Gently correct people when they misgender someone you know, and teach your child how to do so as well

• Teach them about and debunk gender stereotypes, such as the idea that only women should cook and only men should be breadwinners

3) Introduce them to diverse media

• Some suggestions of media reflecting diverse gender roles and identities are

  • The Bravest Knight (Show)

  • Steven Universe (Show) 

  • First Day (Show) 

  • Over the Moon (Film) 

  • The Most Dangerous Year (Film) 

  • Little Girl (Film)

  • Local drag queen story hour events or try a YouTube version

4) If financially feasible, consider seeing a psychologist

• If you’re feeling unequipped to assist your child in their exploration, the best thing you can do is give them tools to help. One such tool is finding a child psychologist, preferably specializing in gender. This person can be a resource not only for your child, but for you too, and they can give more specific advice for supporting your child.

By reading this article, you’ve already taken a step towards being a supportive of your child’s gender exploration. It’s okay to feel unequipped or unsure - gender is ambiguous and confusing even for the most expert among us. The most important part is making sure you cultivate an accepting and validating environment because if your child can’t even talk to you about their concerns, your involvement in their exploration has ended before it’s even begun.