How to Manage Family Pressure During the Holiday Season

It is hard to believe that the holiday season is just around the corner. The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of unfettered joy but it can also bring about significant stress and pressure, especially when it comes to spending an elongated period with family. Whether that is due to intrusive questions, unsupportive attitudes towards lifestyle and identity, complex interpersonal dynamics, or some combination of factors, dealing with family drama can quickly become overwhelming. In this article, we will explore practical tips on how to manage family stress and maintain your wellbeing so you can enjoy yourself to the fullest extent possible.

How do you deal with family pressure during the holidays?

Set clear boundaries beforehand

Boundaries are important year-round, but especially when you anticipate spending extra time together. Boundaries typically fall into the following categories: physical, time, conversational, content, emotional, material, and sexual and there are plenty of resources that dive deeper into what those look like and how to communicate them.  

Create an escape plan

Having the option to get away, even temporarily, can relieve some of the pressure because you know you have a way out if all goes wrong. Maybe this means going on a walk, finding a quiet room to decompress (and, if necessary, asking the host ahead of time which room you can use), volunteering to run an errand, or asking a friend if you can hang out with them if you need to leave entirely. 

Cope ahead

Coping ahead entails preparing ahead of time for an anticipated stressor so you do not need to scramble to figure out how to help yourself in the stressful moment itself. A great resource is a portable “coping kit;” the contents will vary from person to person but the goal is to equip yourself with tools to help you keep your cool. Some ideas for what to include in a coping kit are something that smells nice (e.g., an herbal sachet), a fidget toy, a photo that makes you happy, and something you can taste like candy or gum.      

Prepare (your response) ahead of time

If there are sensitive, tense subjects that your family often brings up such as your relationship status, family planning decisions, eating habits, or your identity, it is wise to plan how you might respond to them. Here’s an example of what you could say: “I know you do not mean harm, but talking about [insert topic] makes me uncomfortable. If I am ready to broach that topic with you in the future, I will. I would ask that you refrain from bringing it up until that time. If you continue to try to speak about it with me, I will need to remove myself from the conversation [or insert alternative here].”  

Lean on supportive individuals

In advance of the event, identify family members or friends who are empathetic and understanding. Ideally, this is someone who will also be at the gathering, but it is helpful to have someone available digitally as well. Give that person a heads up that you may need to rely on them a bit more than usual on whatever date(s) and how they can best support you. The advantage of arranging this in advance is that they can let you know if that is doable for them and so you both know what exactly would be helpful. 

Distinguish between tension versus a toxic environment

There are sometimes hazy lines between typical family stress and a toxic, abusive environment. There is so much societal pressure and expectation to endlessly put up with family simply because they are family. Often, survivors are accused of being unkind or ungrateful for walking away. There is nothing wrong with deciding that spending time with family hurts you more than helps you, and that you do not want to attend gatherings at all. Your priority is to protect yourself and your wellbeing, even if that means distance from family.  

TLDR 

The holiday season can be a challenging time when it comes to family pressure and stress. Intrusive questions and difficult relatives on top of the logistical stress of organizing and partaking in an event can take a toll on mental wellbeing. By setting boundaries, making a coping plan, and relying on your support network, you can empower yourself to handle these challenges more effectively.   

How to Tell Your Parents You Don’t Want Kids

Even before COVID-19 hit in 2020, the United States’ birth rate has fallen every year since 2007, aside from 2014. The pandemic compounded this trend, with 2020 having the largest single-year drop in number of births in almost 50 years. A 2021 study from Pew Research Center found that 44% of non-parents ages 18-49 report it is unlikely or not at all likely they will have children. 

Between the climate crisis, rampant and rising gun violence, the COVID-19 pandemic, the ever-present wealth gap, or just wanting to enjoy one’s own life untethered to the immense responsibility of being a parent, more and more people are opting to be childfree. 

Though this attitude and choice might seem surprising to some, especially older generations, it is not such a mystery when looking at how challenging, complicated, and demanding our current world is, a state which plagues many young people with a sense of malaise and hopelessness. Despite how justified and understandable the malaise and hopelessness are, there can still be familial pressure to have kids from parents who had hoped to be grandparents. These two opposing perspectives can make for a contentious conversation that is difficult to know how to broach. Even if you are 100% certain that you want to be childfree by choice, justifying that in the face of the traditional mindset that “everyone wants to and should have kids” is not an easy task. Before even starting the conversation, it is important to remember that your decision has been made and your conversation with your family about it is not about convincing them that this is the best decision for you, rather it is an opportunity to share your feelings on the matter.

The specifics of how you approach the conversation will depend on your family dynamic and communication styles so you will need to adjust your approach based on that information, but this article will cover general considerations and strategies to make the conversation as productive as possible.

Think through what their concerns about you being childfree might be 

Some common objections family members may offer to your expression of wanting to be childfree are “is this because of something we did wrong?,” “who will care for you in your old age?,” or “having children was the best thing that happened to me, I don’t want you to miss out.” All three of these are likely rooted in much more complex emotions. Take for instance the question about whether they did something wrong to cause you to feel this way; that question could be rooted in anxiety that it is their fault you do not want to have kids. Being aware of some of their potential reasons for objecting is important in crafting how you approach them and assuage their concerns. Furthermore, understanding the “why” behind their objection can foster your empathy and compassion towards them which will make the conversation easier as well.  

Use “I” statements

Since your parents did make the decision to have kids, they might want to personalize your decision as being about them in some way, like a rejection or criticism of them. When you use “I” language, you are focused on expressing your feelings and what you want, rather than putting them on the defensive. For example, instead of saying “I don’t want to have kids because you traumatized me,” you could try “My mental health and ability to navigate challenging situations that would undoubtedly come up with children makes me feel like it’s not the right choice for me or my hypothetical children.”

Empathize with and respect your parents’ emotions

Many parents look forward to the opportunity to be a grandparent and the loss of this potential future role might cause legitimate grief. Try to remember that you have had time to think over your decision in depth and when you tell your parents for the first time, they will not have had that processing time yet. The initial shock might cause them to react more severely compared to after they have had time to digest it. Try to work with them to give them the space they need to process this news. Their disappointment is not a reason to change your mind, and it is not your responsibility to soothe them, but it is important to be mindful and respectful of their feelings.   

Offer resources about choosing to be childfree if they want to learn more about your choice

If your parents are not very familiar with being childfree by choice, the foreign concept can exacerbate how scary it sounds to them. Offering resources for further learning can show them that you are far from alone in your choice and the explanations might resonate with them more when they come from an author your parents have no emotional attachment to, unlike with you. Here are three recommended texts to share with them: 

• Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on The Decision Not To Have Kids

• I Can Barely Take Care of Myself: Tales From a Happy Life Without Kids

• Beyond Motherhood: Choosing Life Without Children

Hopefully these tips will equip you to have a productive, thoughtful conversation with your parents about your choice to be childfree. Not wanting to have children is a perfectly legitimate and increasingly popular decision. Even if people like your parents disagree with your choice, it is not their prerogative to persuade you otherwise, and you are well within your rights to establish boundaries around the subject if they continually push their feelings onto you. Being surrounded by non-familial support systems is especially important before and after speaking to your parents about it. If you are struggling with preparing for or processing after the conversation, consider reaching out to a therapist.

How to Respond If Your Child Takes Off Their Clothes in Public

There are many wonderful things about having kids but one of the most challenging among them is their seemingly random urge to strip down regardless of context. At the wrong time, this can be incredibly inconvenient, but rest assured that it’s normal behavior. Children don’t yet have a full understand of societal norms; all they know is that they want their clothes off their bodies. While adults may understand that stripping down in the middle of a cafe isn’t appropriate, children may not. The only way to curb the issue is to first understand the root cause. This will vary from child to child, of course, but some of the most common reasons are sensory discomfort, dealing with overwhelming emotions, and getting attention. When addressing the issue, you should not only strive to teach them why taking off their clothing in certain contexts is inappropriate, but also how to productively address their needs in alternate ways. To you, it may be an inconvenience, but for your child it may be a form of communication.

Root cause aside, that doesn’t necessarily help you in the midst of an anxiety provoking moment when your child decides that the grocery store is their dressing room. First of all, try not to give an extreme reaction. Drawing more attention to the behavior will escalate the circumstances for everyone involved. Easier said than done, but an emotional outburst will do nothing but worsen the situation. Instead, excuse yourselves and find as private a place as possible to help them redress. If you have a moment before you have to rejoin whatever public space you were in, ask them if there was a reason and if so, how you two can address that need together. Then, gently but firmly explain that while there is nothing wrong with being naked, it is only appropriate in certain contexts, and that you’ll speak about it at length later on. It’s important to stress that there is nothing shameful or wrong about the state of being naked.

Having a conversation about social norms is part of the larger conversation about boundaries - both society’s and your child’s. Use this opportunity to discuss consent, when being naked is or is not appropriate, and social norms. Down the line, this will tie into larger conversations about consent in contexts like physical touch and interpersonal boundary setting. 

After all is said and done, don’t forget to take care of yourself. This can be a stressful issue to navigate and you deserve to take a few moments to decompress so you can continue being the best parent you can be.