Tips for Coping with Identity Questions During Pride

June is pride month, a tradition that started following the Stonewall Riots, largely considered to be the beginning of the modern LGBTQ+ rights movement. It is a time for LGBTQ+ people to celebrate the progress that has been made, pay homage to queer ancestors, protest LGBTQ+ discrimination, and raise awareness of LGBTQ+ issues. But when you feel unsure as to where you fit into the LGBTQ+ community, or if you identify with it at all, this time of the year might bring up mixed emotions. American society defaults to assuming that everyone is cisgender and heterosexual so when you feel like you might not fit into one or both of those identities, questioning is a normal part of navigating it. In fact, being unsure about your identity is so common amongst the LGBTQ+ community that the “Q” in LGBTQ+ stands for both “queer” and “questioning.” If you fall into the “questioning” camp, this article will offer insight into how to navigate your questioning journey and how to approach your involvement in Pride Month events. 

How do I know if I am not cisgender?

Exploring and understanding your gender identity can be a complex journey. It is easy to feel overwhelmed by all the terminology and align your internal experience of gender with how gender identities are defined in words. Gender is a social construct, meaning that the way we understand and define gender identities is not based on objective truth but rather the expectations, behaviors, and roles that a society has assigned to each gender. In America, the mainstream understanding of gender is that it is a binary consisting of “man” and “woman,” but gender is actually a spectrum. Finding where you fall on that spectrum can feel complicated! There are a few things you can take into consideration to help guide your exploration.

Think about whether you feel a disconnect or discomfort with the gender expectations for your assigned sex at birth.

Some, but not all, transgender and non-binary people experience gender dysphoria, a type of psychological distress due to misalignment of one’s sex assigned at birth and gender identity. Dysphoria manifests differently from person to person, but if you feel uncomfortable in your body’s anatomy or dislike the way people perceive you based on gender expression associated with your assigned sex at birth, you might be experiencing gender dysphoria. According to the DSM-5, experiencing gender dysphoria symptoms, including incongruence between one’s gender and anatomy and a strong desire to be another gender and/or have different sex characteristics, for six months or longer qualifies a diagnosis.  

Reflect on which pronouns and gender expression make you feel the most like yourself. 

If you feel uncomfortable when people refer to you by the pronouns associated with your assigned sex at birth, that could be an indication that you are transgender or non-binary. An important caveat here is that pronouns do not always automatically equate with gender identity. Even though it is most common for women to use she/her pronouns, it is not necessary to use she/her pronouns if you identify as a woman. So understanding what pronouns feel validating to you is an important part of navigating gender identity, but it is not automatically the “answer” to how you identify. In addition to exploring which pronouns feel best, you can also try experimenting with gender expression. Gender expression is the way a person chooses to present their gender through appearance, pronouns, and voice. You can experiment with clothing, hair, jewelry, makeup, gender affirming padding like bras, and/or chest binding to see what feels the most you.        

How do I know if I am not heterosexual?

Heteronormativity is the assumption that heterosexuality is the ideal, superior, and default sexual orientation. When you grow up in a heteronormative society, questioning your sexuality is not an obvious option. Similar to gender, it is easy to feel overwhelmed by all the terminology and how your internal experience aligns with definitions associated with different sexualities. Some people know from a young age that they are not heterosexual while others do not figure it out until later in life. No matter what, there is no “correct” time to figure out that you are queer. Here are some suggestions to guide your exploration of your identity:

1. Engage with the LGBTQ+ community and speak with queer people about their experiences. 

Though everyone experiences their sexuality differently, there are patterns and commonalities that connect queer people so talking to others about their experiences and how they figured out their sexuality can provide valuable insight. 

2. Experiment with different intimate experiences and consuming LGBTQ+ media. 

If you are comfortable enough to experiment with being intimate with other people despite not knowing for sure what you will enjoy, this is a good way to test the waters. You should be transparent about your experimentation and uncertainty with any intimate partner because queer people, especially lesbians, have historically been objectified and sexualized by straight people. Some queer people will be totally cool with being an experimentation partner! That being said, it is important to be transparent that that is what you are doing. If you are not comfortable experimenting with another person yourself or you simply want an alternative for self-exploration, you can consume LGBTQ+ media and see how it feels.   

3. Don’t get caught up in labels. 

It is a very human impulse to want to put everyone and everything into an easily digestible box with a label. Some queer people find comfort in having a label to define themselves, while others feel suffocated and limited by it. You do not need a label to be valid in your queer identity.    

Can I still attend pride events if I am unsure of my identity?

Absolutely! Unless an event is advertised to be for a specific identity or group that you definitely do not align with (meaning, you are not identifying with this identity group), you are welcome at pride. Pride events are inclusive spaces where the only qualifying factor to attend is a desire to support and celebrate the LGBTQ+ community. In fact, pride events can be especially helpful to a questioning person; being around queer people and seeing how they express themselves might just be the enlightening moment you are looking for.     

Remember that there is no rush to label yourself or make a definitive decision about your identity on anyone’s timeline but your own. There is no right way or age to discover you are queer. Furthermore, gender and sexuality are fluid! They can change over time and that is okay too. Connecting with a supportive queer community, seeking guidance from LGBTQ+ celebratory therapists and support groups, and taking the time to educate yourself about different gender identities can all be valuable resources as you navigate your journey of self-discovery. Even while you are figuring it all out, you are always welcome at Pride events!

How to Create Habits That Last

This time of year is often framed as a transformative one: a time to move towards your best self, to create new habits, and rid yourself of the old ones. There is a lot of pressure to self-improve around this time but rest assured, if that’s not something you want or need right now, there’s no obligation. If, however, you think you do want to try to use the new year as an opportunity for change, let’s talk about how to go about it in a healthy, sustainable way.

Get SMART

• SMART is an acronym pertaining to setting realistic goals that stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound. Specific goals should answer the “w” questions: what, when, where, which, and why. The “why” is arguably one of the most important parts of the equation because it’s the fuel and motivation that will keep you invested in your goal. Measurable means establishing a metric by which to measure your progress. Achievable means the goal is realistic. Relevant goals align with your current lifestyle and your values. Time-bound goals follow a timeline instead of being indefinite.

Try habit swapping

• Habit swapping is pretty much what it sounds like: swapping an undesirable habit “A” with a more desirable habit “B.” This involves first identifying your current habits and routines. For example, if you want to cut down on drinking alcohol after work, maybe try using that same time in your routine to experiment with new mocktail recipes instead.

Try habit pairing

• Habit pairing uses an incentive to entice you to partake in the behavior you want to increase. For instance, if you want to meditate more and you already make yourself coffee every morning, try using the time you wait for the coffee to brew to do a quick meditation. By pairing a desired habit with an existing, and more pleasurable, habit, you have increased incentive to stick to it.

Use opposite to emotion action

• Dialectical behavioral therapy outlines a skill called “opposite to emotion action.” This means you act in a way that goes against your emotional impulse. For example, you might be irritated and overwhelmed and therefore tempted to skip out on doing your yoga for the day. If you can push past that initial resistance and get yourself to start doing the yoga, you might be pleasantly surprised to find it improves your mood. Of course there are always exceptions to this and if you truly do not feel capable of something due to your emotional state, you should respect your own boundaries. It takes practice to figure out where to draw that line.

Creating a new habit takes patience and frequent repetition before it gets more automatic. Stressors can come up and it is important to give yourself the grace to be imperfect and instead of using those moments to beat yourself up, try to frame it as a learning opportunity.Continuing to put time into self care is also helpful in building sustainable, healthy habits. Finally, remember that anything worth doing is worth doing halfway because something is far better than nothing.  

Questioning Your Gender, Now What?

So, you read our last blog post about gender and sexuality and after some self-reflection, you’ve got questions. Or maybe you’ve had questions for a while and are feeling a bit lost. Either way, lucky for you, you’ve got questions and we’ve got answers! Gender is an extremely complex concept; because it’s so deeply ingrained in every aspect of Western society, it can be difficult to divest yourself from oppressive notions of gender that were forced on you. Questioning your gender and your place in a world structured around gender binaries is a scary prospect and it’s okay to feel uncertain or uncomfortable. 

At the end of the day, this journey is for you and you only, with the ultimate goal being you feeling comfortable in your own skin. You deserve happiness and gender euphoria. There is nothing wrong or broken about you. There is no right way to be a particular gender therefore you can never be wrong. 

If you’re struggling to get started, here are some points to consider:

• If you’re considering changing facets of your identity like your name or pronouns, a good way to see if they fit is by “piloting” them with a group of trusted friends or family. This way, you don’t need to commit to a public announcement before you’re sure of yourself. 

• It’s never too late to question and explore! 

• You don’t need to have dysphoria or a desire to transition in order to be transgender or non-binary.

• There’s no deadline for figuring yourself out. Give yourself the grace of time to figure things out. 

• You may never arrive at a final destination; navigating and understanding gender identity is a complex and lifelong process. 

• Don’t get caught up in a need for labels and codification. Though labels can certainly be comforting, they may also be limiting. 

• You will almost inevitably experience confusion at some point and that’s not your fault; when you pick apart the way gender structures society, you will begin to see that there are a lot of holes in the logic underlying it which makes rearing up against those expectations so confusing and difficult. 

• If it’s accessible to you, don’t go it alone. Whether that means seeing a gender therapist, finding support groups either online or in person, or just talking it out with a trusted individual, you deserve external support throughout this process. 

• Institutions that you may have been taught were created to help you like medicine and education have ingrained systemic transphobia. While there are certainly individuals within these institutions that may be genuinely accepting and helpful, this is likely not the case for the majority of people you interact within these contexts, particularly depending on your specific geography. 

• If you find yourself self-invalidating your gender questioning process because you don’t feel genderqueer/trans “enough” but you wish you were (insert gender identity), that is indicative of that identity fitting you. Wanting to be a certain gender is a “symptom,” for lack of a better word, of being that gender. 

• Additionally, questioning is a valid identity. You might not want to be a certain gender and that is also telling and legitimate. The beauty of questioning the gender binary is that there are no wrong answers, nor does there have to be an answer in the first place. Questioning as an identity is every bit as valid as any other label.  

At the end of the day, try to find the balance between honoring your gender identity and not becoming overcome by the intricacies of navigating gender. Gender is performance in its most basic form and there are ways to make that performance fun. We didn’t choose the gender binary that exists around us, but we can choose to make it work for each of us to the best of our ability by understanding what makes us feel liberated. 

Inspired by Adrian Ballou’s article, it is important to qualify that this article is being written from the perspective of a singular white genderqueer person which may influence the suggestions provided.