Exploring Clitoral Stimulation: How to Have an Orgasm

The clitoris is the only part of human anatomy made solely for pleasure. The clitoris has not been given an appropriate amount of time and attention by researchers, doctors, and society at large to be understood well. This effect trickles down into everyday interpersonal interactions, leading to people both with and without clitorises struggling to understand how to interact with it in a pleasurable way, to use it for its sole purpose! With a lack of comprehensive, accurate information available about the clitoris and how to derive pleasure from it, trying to please someone with a clitoris, either yourself or a partner’s, might seem like a daunting task without so much as a roadmap. This article will serve as a guide to the clitoris and how to figure out what feels good for you.

What is the clitoris?

The part of the vulva that most people think of as the clitoris is actually the clitoral glans, just the tip of the iceberg - and the tip of the entire clitoral structure. The clitoral glans is actually the external tip of an internal structure back and down both sides of the vagina, a shape closely resembling a wishbone. The glans is located where the top of the inner labia meet at the crest of the vulva. The labia form a small hood that covers the glans (to different degrees depending on the person) called the clitoral hood. 

The glans comes in many sizes and shapes and since it is the external part of the clitoris, it is the primary (but not sole!) focus of sexual stimulation. When aroused, the clitoris becomes engorged with blood and more sensitive, and often this exposes the glans more. One study estimated that the glans contains, on average, 10,000+ nerve endings which is more than any other single part of the human body! That means the clitoris also contains a lot of potential for pleasure.        

How to Stimulate the Clitoris

Each person’s anatomy, sexual history, trauma, and medical history are unique to them. This means what feels good to one person might not work for another person. That is why it is important to understand different types of stimulation. 

Two categories for stimulation include “broad” and “pinpoint”. Broad stimulation may include grinding against a pillow or or rubbing a hand against the glans, encapsulating more than just the glans in the process. Pinpoint stimulation is more focused on the glans or clitoral hood directly, like tapping the glans or rubbing it with a finger. 

Let’s explore some specific types of clitoral stimulation…

Rubbing: This can be up and down or back and forth with your hand, a finger, a sex toy, or creative accessory like beads.  

Tapping: This entails repeated light blows, usually with a finger, on the glans and hood, as slow or fast as feels good. 

Grinding: This means rubbing your genitals against an object such as a pillow, a partner’s thigh, or a sex toy.      

Orbiting: This is when you use a finger or toy to circle on or around the clitoral glans and hood.

Pulling: This technique is particularly effective with a larger glans, where you use the pads of your pointer finger and thumb to clasp the glans and pull on it back and forth.

Experimenting with toys: Sex toys are an excellent tool to have on hand, especially for clitoral stimulation. The first vibrator was invented in the early 1880s, originally for muscle aches, but quickly people discovered how it might be used elsewhere. These days, there are a variety of options of vibrators and non-vibrating clitoral sex toys. Common categories are wand vibrators, suction vibrators, bullet vibrators, palm vibrators, finger vibrators, remote control vibrators, and grinding accessories!      

Internal Stimulation: Also known as vaginal stimulation, internal clitoral stimulation involves penetrating the vagina. Since the clitoris is a larger structure that extends beyond the glans, it is possible to stimulate it through vaginal penetration. The classic way to do this is to make a “come hither” motion to stimulate the top of the vaginal canal with a few fingers.

It will likely take trial and error to figure out what feels best for any given person with a clitoris. If you have a clitoris and you want a sexual partner to pleasure it, it is wise to first figure out for yourself what feels good. Without being able to guide them, it will take much longer to derive pleasure from a partner’s touch. 

Takeaway

Finally, it is important to keep in mind that orgasms are not necessarily the be-all-end-all of sexual pleasure. There are a variety of reasons that someone may not be experiencing an orgasm during solo or partnered sex. Pleasuring the clitoris is one part of the puzzle for orgasming, which often needs to be paired with other puzzle pieces like foreplay, feeling safe and comfortable, and other factors in order to result in orgasm. Even then, it may not happen and that is okay. Having sex without an orgasm does not mean that something is “wrong” with you. However, if you are concerned about having an orgasm, consider consulting a sexuality professional like a sexual medicine physician or sex therapist.

3 Reasons to Seek Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a therapeutic niche that addresses a wide range of sexuality-related concerns. Sexuality is a central part of being human so it makes sense that there is a need for professionals to guide us through issues pertaining to such a personal and important subject. Even the most knowledgable people about sexuality and relationships can benefit from having a neutral third party to work through internalized biases and judgments, relationship issues, sexual and gender identity, and more. Here are some reasons why you may seek a sex therapist:

You’re processing sexual trauma

Did you know that every 68 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted? Sexual assault is probably the first thing that comes to mind when you think of sexual trauma and while sexual trauma does include assault, it encapsulates more than that. It also includes issues such as chronic objectification and sexual shaming, sexual harassment like being catcalled, and both physical and emotional incest. These are complex, damaging traumas that left untreated can lead to depression and anxiety, among other issues. Sex therapists can help you work through your sexual trauma and any associated issues.

You’re unsatisfied with the state of your sex life and/or relationship as a whole

Sex therapy is a great resource for both individuals and people in a relationship working through sex and relationship issues. Humans are imperfect and therefore so are our relationships. Sometimes relationship and/or sex life tension start feeling insurmountable, which is where a sex therapist comes in. They can help individuals identify their wants and needs and work through sexual dissatisfaction. For people in relationships seeking treatment together, a therapist can mediate a discussion where all partners can have a say and be heard, facilitating a hopefully effective and kind dialogue.

You have difficulty achieving orgasm or arousal

There is nothing wrong with struggling to achieve orgasm or arousal. That being said, if it bothers you, you might consider seeking out a sex therapist after identifying or ruling out any physical causes. A therapist can help you pinpoint the source of the difficulty and work through it with you. Even if you are unable to “fix” the issue, a good therapist can hopefully help you find ways to have a healthy, fulfilling sex life.

These are just a few examples of what sex therapy can be helpful for. If you’re unsure if sex therapy is right for you or where to start, reach out to ESW team to see if we may be a fit for you.

The Mindfulness and Pleasure Connection

Have you ever found yourself running on autopilot? Waking up and going through the motions, each day without really thinking about the task at hand. If this sounds like you, don’t be alarmed, almost half of the population is “mentally checked out”. We all have the potential to be more present in the moment, the hard part is remembering to do it.

Maybe you have heard of mindfulness but never understood exactly what it meant or how to even be mindful, and that's okay. Mindfulness has been in practice for centuries and was originally a Buddhist concept brought to the Western mainstream by Jon Kabat-Zinn. In his book, Meditation Is Not What You Think: Mindfulness and Why It Is So Important, Kabat-Zinn states that we can no longer ignore the new possibilities that emerge out of our yearnings when we are true to ourselves. This cultivation of mindfulness can contribute to our lives in so many ways including our health and sexual wellbeing. Researcher Lori Brotto defines mindfulness as “present moment nonjudgmental awareness”, and participating in the moment versus being a spectator judging your performance. 

Judgment of your body can contribute to sexual dysfunction and dissatisfaction. By incorporating a daily mindfulness practice into your routine you can begin to calm the chatter in your mind. According to the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, being mindful may contribute to sexual wellness by allowing for intentional behavior, emtoional regulation, reduction in anxiety, and an increase in self esteem. Performance anxiety can affect people of all genders throughout their lifespan. When being intimate with yourself or a partner(s), thinking about your body in a negative way can be a real mood killer. For penis-having individuals the inability to be present can cause erectile dysfunction. By being a spectator in erotic situations you can diminish your ability to maintain an erection. Spectatoring refers to shifting your focus from the present moment, and evaluating yourself and sexual activity in a third person perspective. Focusing your attention on sexual performance instead of the present sensory experience can interfere with your sexual functioning and lead to erectile dysfunction. 

When you instead focus your thoughts on the here and now, your primary attention is on your body and physical sensations and pleasure. The muscles that surround the penis need to relax in order for dilation of the arteries to occur, which promotes an erection. By being mindful during sex you can alleviate “cognitive interference,” which is associated with a decrease in anxiety related to sex. Attending to physical sensations can enhance your sexual and romantic relationship. 

For individuals with vulvas, mindfulness has been shown to decrease genital pain and sexual distress and bridge the mind-body disconnect. When the central nervous system is disregulated by stress, central sensitization, and hormonal changes in the neuroendocrine system, this can cause the vulvar skin to change increasing sensitivity to pain. According to Brotto, interest and motivation for sex can all be impacted by negative body image, sense of self, comfort in partnership, and violation to your sense of safety. By practicing mindfulness, participants in Brotto’s study reported an increase in “sexual function, including desire, arousal, orgasm,” and overall psychological well being. Through increasing attention to the here and now, it may be possible to redirect any negative thoughts or judgments that may arise when in an intimate situation.

Regardless of your gender identity or relationship status, mindfulness can benefit your sexual wellbeing. We encourage you to experiment with different modalities of mindfulness. One of our favorite partnered mindfulness practices is sensate focus. This activity encourages you to actively focus on and communicate with your partner(s) about the sensation you are experiencing. By being fully present with your partner free from judgment, you can dive deeper into a state of erotic pleasure. Mindfulness is also something that you can practice on your own, by simply paying attention to your breath and any thoughts that may arise. There are a variety of apps available that can help guide you through this process. We are linking our favorites below:

• Headspace - Great for the whole family with hundreds of meditations to choose from

• Calm - Focus in on what you want to meditate on with guided sessions between 3-25 minutes  

• Insight Timer - Chart your progress and earn badges on your mindfulness journey

• Aura - Personalized meditations based on your mood

• Sattva - Drawing its meditations from ancient Vedic principles, this app is perfect for anyone looking to get more in touch with the origin of mediation

• Buddhify - Perfect for those on the go (meditations for travel, dining, and more)

• Simple Habit - Traditional guided meditation mixed with coaching

Breathing techniques are something you can do anywhere and at any time. By mindfully slowing the breath we engage the parasympathetic nervous system, which signals to our body it is time to calm down. Next time you are getting intimate with yourself or your partner(s) try taking a few minutes to intentionally slow your breath and practice mindfulness.