Am I Addicted to Sex, or are my Sexual Behaviors Out-of-Control? What’s the Difference?

Sexual behavior is a complex and multifaceted aspect of human experience that can vary significantly from person to person. When it comes to understanding and addressing problematic sexual behaviors, professionals use different models to conceptualize and treat these issues. Two commonly used models include the sex addiction model and the out-of-control sexual behavior model. This article will explore the key differences between these two models and clarify their unique approaches and perspectives.

Exploring the Sex Addiction Model

The sex addiction model is based on the belief that problematic sexual behaviors are akin to addiction, with individuals engaging in compulsive and out-of-control sexual behaviors despite adverse consequences. This model views problematic sexual behaviors as an addiction, with individuals exhibiting similar behavior patterns to those seen in substance addiction. It often focuses on the belief that individuals lack control over their sexual behaviors and engage in them to cope with emotional distress or other underlying issues.

The sex addiction model typically involves a 12-step program or similar approach adapted from addiction recovery models. It may include abstinence from certain sexual behaviors, as well as attending support groups, therapy, and working on relapse prevention strategies. Treatment may also involve addressing underlying psychological, emotional, or relational issues that may contribute to the addictive patterns of sexual behavior.

Exploring the Out-of-Control Sexual Behavior Model

The out-of-control sexual behavior model, on the other hand, views problematic sexual behaviors as a symptom of an underlying issue rather than an addiction. This model emphasizes the lack of impulse control or difficulties regulating sexual behavior but does not necessarily categorize it as an addiction. It views problematic sexual behaviors as a coping mechanism for unmet emotional needs, unresolved trauma, or other underlying psychological, emotional, or relational issues.

The out-of-control sexual behavior model typically involves a therapeutic approach that addresses the underlying issues contributing to problematic sexual behaviors. This may include exploring and resolving past traumas, developing healthy coping skills, improving emotional regulation, and managing relational dynamics that may impact sexual behaviors. It may also involve discussing and challenging unhealthy beliefs or patterns of thinking related to sexuality and relationships.

What are key differences between these two models?

1. Conceptualization of Problematic Sexual Behaviors

The sex addiction model views problematic sexual behaviors as an addiction, with individuals lacking control and engaging in compulsive behaviors despite negative consequences. The out-of-control sexual behavior model, on the other hand, considers problematic sexual behaviors as a symptom of an underlying issue, such as emotional distress or unresolved trauma.

2. Approach to Treatment

The sex addiction model often involves a 12-step or similar program focusing on abstinence from certain sexual behaviors and recovery strategies adapted from addiction recovery. The out-of-control sexual behavior model addresses underlying psychological, emotional, or relational issues that contribute to problematic sexual behaviors; this approach involves developing healthy coping skills in therapy. Both approaches are informed by the conceptualization of the behavior by both the client and the therapist.

3. Language and Terminology

The sex addiction model uses language and terminology commonly associated with addiction, such as "addiction," "compulsion," and "relapse." The out-of-control sexual behavior model uses language that reflects a lack of impulse control or difficulties regulating sexual behavior without necessarily categorizing it as an addiction.

4. Emphasis on Underlying Issues

The sex addiction model views the behavior as the problem with limited exploration of other potential underlying issues. Essentially, it’s approached by working to eliminate the behavior, and then other problems will resolve themselves once you can control your sexual addiction. The out-of-control sexual behavior model significantly addresses the underlying psychological, cognitive, emotional, and relational issues that may contribute to problematic sexual behaviors. This may involve exploring past traumas, addressing emotional regulation skills, working on relational dynamics, and challenging unhealthy beliefs or patterns of thinking related to sexuality and relationships. Contrary to the sex addiction model, this model suggests that the behavior developed as a coping strategy for the other underlying issues at play but that the behavior itself may not be problematic in isolation.

Takeaway

When addressing problematic sexual behaviors, it's essential to recognize that professionals use different models and approaches. The sex addiction model and the out-of-control sexual behavior model are two common perspectives, each with unique conceptualizations and treatment approaches. It's essential to understand the differences between these models to decide which approach may be more suitable for an individual's needs.

If you're wrestling with problematic sexual behaviors, seeking professional help from a qualified therapist or counselor is essential. A trained professional can conduct a thorough assessment, understand the unique factors contributing to the issue, and develop a tailored treatment plan based on the individual's needs and circumstances. Whether it's the sex addiction or the out-of-control sexual behavior model, therapy aims to provide support, guidance, and tools to help individuals address the underlying issues and develop healthy coping strategies for managing their sexual behaviors.

Not everyone agrees on the concept of sex addiction, and there is an ongoing debate within the field of psychology regarding its validity as a diagnostic category. Some professionals may align more with the out-of-control sexual behavior model, the sex addiction model, or alternative approaches. It's essential to approach this topic openly and discuss any questions or concerns with a qualified therapist or counselor before beginning treatment.

Worried About Personal Safety as a Trans Person? Tips for the Trans Community and Allies

In light of current political turmoil and discrimination surrounding the transgender and non-binary population, it’s more important than ever for transgender people to be equipped with knowledge to navigate the world as safely as possible. In data released in October 2022 by Everytown for Gun Safety, the number of trans people murdered in the U.S. nearly doubled between 2017 and 2021. There is a constant barrage of mocking pronouns and non-cisgender gender identities by politicians and the public alike. Extremists at the 2023 Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) have called for the eradication of transgender people. It is a deeply scary time to be a trans person especially if you live in a hostile home and/or geographic region. In such a circumstance, there are unfortunately no infallible safety methods, but there are precautions you can take to increase your chances of staying safe.

How Can I Maximize My Safety? 

It’s a good idea to have at least a loose grasp of your region’s political climate so you understand your surroundings better. You should also be aware of the factors that make you an easier target. Unfortunately, trans people who don’t “pass” as a cisgender person are more likely to be harmed, and feminine-presenting trans people are also more likely to be harmed since women are already at a higher risk of experiencing violence. Understanding these factors will help you navigate how cautious you need to be.  

Safety Tips

• Seek out a local or online self-defense class

• Navigate public spaces with a trusted friend or family member whenever possible, especially at night

• Stay alert in public spaces – try to stay off your phone while walking

• If someone tries to assault you verbally or physically, get loud; this will hopefully scare off the perpetrator and if not, it may get the attention of a good samaritan who can intervene

• Leave a trail before going out: make sure someone you trust knows where you will be

• If you live in a hostile home environment, consider compiling a “get away bag” in the event that you need to make a hasty exit for your safety

• Check out this safety planning tool by Forge, a transgender support organization

• Seek out the support of a trans supportive organization for funding to access gender-affirming care and/or to move somewhere safer

• Trans Housing Coalition

• Trans Justice Funding Project

• Community Funds: Trans Women of Color Collective

• Out In The Open

• For the Gworls         

Forging Community

Building a small community of supportive people in your life to offset the detrimental effects on mental health of the transgender discrimination you will likely face is a vital lifeline. This can be a difficult task if you live in a hostile geographic region; you can try Googling your location plus keywords like “trans support,” “LGBTQ support group,” and “LGBTQ resources.” If that ends up being a fruitless endeavor, it’s time to turn to the internet.

Having friends solely online may not be as fulfilling as friends you can see face to face for most people but it is a far better option than feeling completely isolated in a discriminatory environment.

Here are some online support group options:

• Stand with Trans: Support for Trans Youth & their Families

• Find Your Trans Community in an Online Plume Support Group

• Trans Lifeline

• LGBTribe – The Tribe

• The Trevor Project      

Tips for Trans Allies

Being a trans ally is more important than ever. Cisgender people have privilege compared to transgender people and leveraging that privilege is integral to fighting for trans rights and safety.

• Educate yourself on key terminology relating to gender and the political and wellbeing issues surrounding the trans community 

• Do not take the liberty of sharing someone’s transgender status with anyone who doesn’t already know. As the LGBTQ organization GLAAD puts it, “Do not casually share this information, speculate, or gossip about a person you know or think is transgender. Not only is this an invasion of privacy, it also can have negative consequences in a world that is very intolerant of gender diversity.”

• Do not ask invasive questions about a transgender person’s gender assigned at birth or their anatomy

• Challenge anti-trans rhetoric in conversation; cisgender privilege allows you to do so with much less risk of compromising your personal safety than if a transgender person were to do so

• Read this comprehensive guide to being an ally for more actionable steps or visit ESW’s resource page

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The most important thing to remember as a trans person is that being trans is not bad or wrong and the issues with being transgender have to do with hate and vitriol from bigots, not the inherent nature of being trans. Try to indulge in consuming trans joy content when you feel particularly down about being trans because the reality is that being trans is a beautiful thing and you deserve to feel happy and safe. Your challenges and struggles are real and valid, and they don’t define your wholeness.  

Tips for Coping with Identity Questions During Pride

June is pride month, a tradition that started following the Stonewall Riots, largely considered to be the beginning of the modern LGBTQ+ rights movement. It is a time for LGBTQ+ people to celebrate the progress that has been made, pay homage to queer ancestors, protest LGBTQ+ discrimination, and raise awareness of LGBTQ+ issues. But when you feel unsure as to where you fit into the LGBTQ+ community, or if you identify with it at all, this time of the year might bring up mixed emotions. American society defaults to assuming that everyone is cisgender and heterosexual so when you feel like you might not fit into one or both of those identities, questioning is a normal part of navigating it. In fact, being unsure about your identity is so common amongst the LGBTQ+ community that the “Q” in LGBTQ+ stands for both “queer” and “questioning.” If you fall into the “questioning” camp, this article will offer insight into how to navigate your questioning journey and how to approach your involvement in Pride Month events. 

How do I know if I am not cisgender?

Exploring and understanding your gender identity can be a complex journey. It is easy to feel overwhelmed by all the terminology and align your internal experience of gender with how gender identities are defined in words. Gender is a social construct, meaning that the way we understand and define gender identities is not based on objective truth but rather the expectations, behaviors, and roles that a society has assigned to each gender. In America, the mainstream understanding of gender is that it is a binary consisting of “man” and “woman,” but gender is actually a spectrum. Finding where you fall on that spectrum can feel complicated! There are a few things you can take into consideration to help guide your exploration.

Think about whether you feel a disconnect or discomfort with the gender expectations for your assigned sex at birth.

Some, but not all, transgender and non-binary people experience gender dysphoria, a type of psychological distress due to misalignment of one’s sex assigned at birth and gender identity. Dysphoria manifests differently from person to person, but if you feel uncomfortable in your body’s anatomy or dislike the way people perceive you based on gender expression associated with your assigned sex at birth, you might be experiencing gender dysphoria. According to the DSM-5, experiencing gender dysphoria symptoms, including incongruence between one’s gender and anatomy and a strong desire to be another gender and/or have different sex characteristics, for six months or longer qualifies a diagnosis.  

Reflect on which pronouns and gender expression make you feel the most like yourself. 

If you feel uncomfortable when people refer to you by the pronouns associated with your assigned sex at birth, that could be an indication that you are transgender or non-binary. An important caveat here is that pronouns do not always automatically equate with gender identity. Even though it is most common for women to use she/her pronouns, it is not necessary to use she/her pronouns if you identify as a woman. So understanding what pronouns feel validating to you is an important part of navigating gender identity, but it is not automatically the “answer” to how you identify. In addition to exploring which pronouns feel best, you can also try experimenting with gender expression. Gender expression is the way a person chooses to present their gender through appearance, pronouns, and voice. You can experiment with clothing, hair, jewelry, makeup, gender affirming padding like bras, and/or chest binding to see what feels the most you.        

How do I know if I am not heterosexual?

Heteronormativity is the assumption that heterosexuality is the ideal, superior, and default sexual orientation. When you grow up in a heteronormative society, questioning your sexuality is not an obvious option. Similar to gender, it is easy to feel overwhelmed by all the terminology and how your internal experience aligns with definitions associated with different sexualities. Some people know from a young age that they are not heterosexual while others do not figure it out until later in life. No matter what, there is no “correct” time to figure out that you are queer. Here are some suggestions to guide your exploration of your identity:

1. Engage with the LGBTQ+ community and speak with queer people about their experiences. 

Though everyone experiences their sexuality differently, there are patterns and commonalities that connect queer people so talking to others about their experiences and how they figured out their sexuality can provide valuable insight. 

2. Experiment with different intimate experiences and consuming LGBTQ+ media. 

If you are comfortable enough to experiment with being intimate with other people despite not knowing for sure what you will enjoy, this is a good way to test the waters. You should be transparent about your experimentation and uncertainty with any intimate partner because queer people, especially lesbians, have historically been objectified and sexualized by straight people. Some queer people will be totally cool with being an experimentation partner! That being said, it is important to be transparent that that is what you are doing. If you are not comfortable experimenting with another person yourself or you simply want an alternative for self-exploration, you can consume LGBTQ+ media and see how it feels.   

3. Don’t get caught up in labels. 

It is a very human impulse to want to put everyone and everything into an easily digestible box with a label. Some queer people find comfort in having a label to define themselves, while others feel suffocated and limited by it. You do not need a label to be valid in your queer identity.    

Can I still attend pride events if I am unsure of my identity?

Absolutely! Unless an event is advertised to be for a specific identity or group that you definitely do not align with (meaning, you are not identifying with this identity group), you are welcome at pride. Pride events are inclusive spaces where the only qualifying factor to attend is a desire to support and celebrate the LGBTQ+ community. In fact, pride events can be especially helpful to a questioning person; being around queer people and seeing how they express themselves might just be the enlightening moment you are looking for.     

Remember that there is no rush to label yourself or make a definitive decision about your identity on anyone’s timeline but your own. There is no right way or age to discover you are queer. Furthermore, gender and sexuality are fluid! They can change over time and that is okay too. Connecting with a supportive queer community, seeking guidance from LGBTQ+ celebratory therapists and support groups, and taking the time to educate yourself about different gender identities can all be valuable resources as you navigate your journey of self-discovery. Even while you are figuring it all out, you are always welcome at Pride events!