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ESW's Beginner's guide to Kink/BDSM/Fetish
Kink has become more mainstream in the past decade, for better or for worse (the latter referring to inaccurate depictions), which has stimulated interest in it. This may lead you to wonder if kinky sex is for you, and if so, how do you get started? Let’s talk about it.
Defining kink
Before talking about how to get into kink, it’s important to define what “kink” even is, and how it differs from phrases like BDSM and fetish. Kink refers to any non-traditional sex; traditional in this context means heterosexual, monogamous intercourse without a non-normative fantasy or desire involved. A kink is not a fetish, but a fetish is a type of kink. A fetish is defined as an attraction to an inanimate object or specific body parts (excluding the traditionally sexualized ones). Finally, BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. BDSM is often incorrectly used interchangeably with kink, the difference being that kink is a broader term and BDSM is a type of kink that involves power dynamics. Whatever you’re into, kink, fetish, or BDSM, they all prioritize and require open communication and consent. To get a handle on the basic terminology, check out this glossary.
Tips for Getting Started
Set expectations and boundaries.
Before even dipping your toe in, sit down and have a conversation with your partner(s) about expectations, interests, and limits. Here are some guides for talking about kink with partner(s), and another useful tool is a kink compatibility quiz.
Safe Words: these are words that would not otherwise come up during sex (e.g. pineapple, vote, continent, etc.) that mean “stop!” Safe words are especially relevant during play involving consensual non-consent.
Boundaries: Setting boundaries is the best way to make sure everyone is comfortable and safe. If you aren’t sure what your boundaries are, check out this checklist of common ones.
Communication: The importance of ongoing communication and consent in kink cannot be overstated. Of course, communication and consent are important regardless of what kind of sex you have, but this becomes even more vital when having kinky sex because of the nature of the power dynamics involved.
Dip your toe in.
If you’re intrigued by kink but you’re not quite ready to dive in, that’s okay! Some alternative ways to experiment include:
Reading kinky erotica
Doing additional research (more on this below)
Talking to a sex therapist
Starting solo. Experimenting alone can be a great way to get a handle on what you like. Ways to incorporate kink into solo play may include:
Do your research.
You’re already starting on the right foot reading this article! Here are some helpful resources for continuing your research:
Guides
Communication
Safety
Erotic Asphyxiation: 10 Things to Know About Safe Breath Play
RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink): A Realistic Alternative to SSC
Consent and Boundaries
Hopefully this guide gives you a solid jumping off point to exploring kink. Happy exploring!
If you’re struggling to navigate if and how kink fits into your life, how to set boundaries, or any other concerns, consider trying sex therapy.
Tips for Navigating Long Distance Intimacy
Long distance relationships are tough for everyone involved - who wants to be apart from their loved one(s)? Though nothing will quite sate the desire to be with them physically, there are ways to get everyone’s needs met. Over the past few years COVID forced us to innovate and find creative ways to stay connected. As a result, we've never had more tools available to make long distance relationships a bit easier. Before figuring out which of these options work best for your relationship, all partners involved should evaluate what they need to feel connected and satisfied, and then communicate that to each other. That will give you the information you need to choose the best option(s) for your relationship.
Some questions you should consider are:
What are your non-negotiable needs around connecting with your partner and how often do you need to connect to feel satisfied in your relationship?
How often are you able and willing to text/call/video chat?
What insecurities, if any, do you have about long distance relationships and what do you need from your partner(s) to help you manage those insecurities?
What ways, if any, do you need to be intentional about how you spend social time outside the relationship in order to feel socially satisfied?
What are your primary love language(s) and how can they be fulfilled long distance?
Once you establish those answers, you can get started looking into ways to connect, including the following suggestions:
CASUAL COMMUNICATION
Send videos or audio messages to give your partner updates about your day
Make “open when” letters
SPENDING TIME TOGETHER
Watch a movie or TV show together
Play free multiplayer games online like on Pogo
SEX
Try out a long distance remote control sex toy
Print out sultry photos of yourself and mail it to them (as long as you have consent)
Set aside time for sexting like you would carve out time for physical sex in order to be fully present and connected
Long distance relationships are challenging but not insurmountable. With work, intentionality, and communication, it’s possible to have a full, satisfying relationship regardless of proximity.
