ESW's Beginner's guide to Kink/BDSM/Fetish

Kink has become more mainstream in the past decade, for better or for worse (the latter referring to inaccurate depictions), which has stimulated interest in it. This may lead you to wonder if kinky sex is for you, and if so, how do you get started? Let’s talk about it. 

Defining kink 

Before talking about how to get into kink, it’s important to define what “kink” even is, and how it differs from phrases like BDSM and fetish. Kink refers to any non-traditional sex; traditional in this context means heterosexual, monogamous intercourse without a non-normative fantasy or desire involved. A kink is not a fetish, but a fetish is a type of kink. A fetish is defined as an attraction to an inanimate object or specific body parts (excluding the traditionally sexualized ones). Finally, BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. BDSM is often incorrectly used interchangeably with kink, the difference being that kink is a broader term and BDSM is a type of kink that involves power dynamics. Whatever you’re into, kink, fetish, or BDSM, they all prioritize and require open communication and consent. To get a handle on the basic terminology, check out this glossary.    

Tips for Getting Started

Set expectations and boundaries. 

Before even dipping your toe in, sit down and have a conversation with your partner(s) about expectations, interests, and limits. Here are some guides for talking about kink with partner(s), and another useful tool is a kink compatibility quiz.   

Safe Words: these are words that would not otherwise come up during sex (e.g. pineapple, vote, continent, etc.) that mean “stop!” Safe words are especially relevant during play involving consensual non-consent. 

Boundaries: Setting boundaries is the best way to make sure everyone is comfortable and safe. If you aren’t sure what your boundaries are, check out this checklist of common ones. 

Communication: The importance of ongoing communication and consent in kink cannot be overstated. Of course, communication and consent are important regardless of what kind of sex you have, but this becomes even more vital when having kinky sex because of the nature of the power dynamics involved. 

Dip your toe in. 

If you’re intrigued by kink but you’re not quite ready to dive in, that’s okay! Some alternative ways to experiment include:

• Reading kinky erotica 

• Doing additional research (more on this below)

• Talking to a sex therapist

• Starting solo. Experimenting alone can be a great way to get a handle on what you like. Ways to incorporate kink into solo play may include:

  • Using ice cubes for temperature play 

  • Spanking yourself 

  • Trying edging

  • Using sex toys 

Do your research.

You’re already starting on the right foot reading this article! Here are some helpful resources for continuing your research:

Guides

• The Non-Intimidating Guide to Kinks and Fetishes

• Emerson (@thekinkeducator)

Communication 

• How to talk about kink with new partners 

• Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships

• What is a safe word?  

• Kink + Safety: What You Need to Know

Safety

• Choking Etiquette 101 

• What Is BDSM? Fundamentals, Types and Roles 

• Erotic Asphyxiation: 10 Things to Know About Safe Breath Play

• A Beginner's Guide to Impact Play 

• RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink): A Realistic Alternative to SSC 

• RACK: The Risk Acceptable Safety Mantra

Consent and Boundaries

• Kink Boundaries and Interests 

• What Kink Can Teach Us About Consent

Hopefully this guide gives you a solid jumping off point to exploring kink. Happy exploring! 

If you’re struggling to navigate if and how kink fits into your life, how to set boundaries, or any other concerns, consider trying sex therapy.