Sexual Health

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All About Lube: Which kind is right for you?

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Lubricant is perhaps one of the most versatile sex accessories out there. It’s a liquid or gel that mitigates unwanted friction during sex, making it a more comfortable experience. Nearly every sexually active person could benefit from having a dependable lube (or two or three) on hand. It’s even more handy for vulva-owners who can’t produce as much wetness as they’d like whether that’s due to aging, birth control, medication, or something else.

These days, there are a variety of lubes with different functions, from the classic friction-fighters to tingles, warming sensations, and more! No lube is one size fits all, and depending on what you plan to use it for, you’ll have to select accordingly. Some of the factors to consider are whether you’ll use it solo or with a partner, if the sex will be penetrative, whether you want to use it with sex toys (and if so, what material those sex toys are comprised of). This article serves as a guide to help you figure out which lube is right for you!    

a hand holds a banana against a purple backdrop. we see a nozzle in the center of the top of the image droping clear goo onto the banana. The banana already has a fair amount of goo dripping down it already

Water-based

Water-based lube is the most common type of lubricant. The benefits of using water-based lube are affordability and accessibility, easy clean up from skin and fabric, and they’re safe to use with condoms and every sex toy material. In terms of drawbacks, water-based lubes are absorbed into the skin quicker than their counterparts, leaving some sticky residue (which can be a drawback for those with sensory issues) and therefore you might have to reapply more frequently. Additionally, be on the lookout for water-based lubes that have a low osmolality, which means they have a higher degree of the product and few to no chemical ingredients because lubes with high osmolality are more likely to cause irritation.

Recommended water-based lubes:

dark blue water in the form of a splash up against a beige background

Oil-based

Oil-based lube is a very slippery, long-lasting option that even doubles as a massage oil! The extremely important-to-note caveat is that it cannot be used with condoms because it will degrade them. Another drawback is that they often will stain fabric.

Recommended oil-based lubes:

A tincture full of a yellow oil appears above its bottle dropping one drop in. In the background, there are white flowers out of focus.

Silicone-based

The longest lasting of the lubricants, silicone-based lubes are beloved for their endurance. They’re also the most popular lube for anal sex due to their durability. Plus, they even hold up under water, if shower sex is your jam. Like water-based lubes, silicone is safe to use with latex condoms. The drawbacks are that silicone lube is harder to remove from skin and fabric, it tends to be more expensive, and it can’t be used with any silicone-based sex toys because they will degrade.

Recommended silicone-based lubes:

A purple backdrop covered in iridescent plastic fairly wrinkled.

Hybrid lubricants

Hybrids are a mix of silicone and water lube to make it last longer. It won’t affect silicone toys in the way pure silicone lube will, and it offers easier cleanup than silicone too.

Recommended hybrid lubes:

Sensory lubricants

Sensory lubricants are lubes that are formulated to make you feel a sensation like warming or tingling. They’re a fun way to spice up your sex routine and try something new. Sometimes the ingredients needed to make the sensation can be irritants though (see ingredients to steer clear of below) so it’s important to be on the lookout for that.

Recommended sensory lubes:

two hands palms towards the camera making a "stay away" motion. The person connected to the hands as well as greenery are blurred in the background.

Lube ingredients to avoid

For every healthy lube on the market, there’s an equal number of cheaply made, irritant-filled lubes too. When you’re searching for your perfect lube, keep an eye on the ingredients list and try to avoid the following. If you’re curious about why you should avoid each, check out this Self article and this extremely comprehensive Phallophile Reviews guide.

  • Glycerin

  • Nonoxynol-9

  • Petroleum

  • Propylene glycol

  • Parabens (usually methylparaben)

  • Chlorhexidine gluconate

  • Diazolidinyl urea

  • Polyquarternium-15

against a purple backdrop, a partially unpeeled banana is laid against an eggplant and cucumber with its peel laying over them.

On the topic of lubes to avoid, though you might be tempted to use household products like baby oil, olive oil, or Vaseline - steer clear! Products that are not meant to be used in sensitive areas are comedogenic, can cause skin irritation and/or infection, and can alter vaginal pH. In a pinch you can try using something like coconut oil but that shouldn’t be your first choice and it does pose the aforementioned risks.

Since lube touches the most sensitive areas of your body, it’s important to find a compatible, safe option for your life and anatomy. It may take some trial and error to figure out your favorite but it’s worth it! A good lube can make all the difference and improve the pleasurability of solo or partnered sex.    

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Why Does It Hurt Down There? Here's How to Address Pelvic Pain

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The pelvic floor muscles refers to the hammock-like musculature that supports your pelvic organs and therefore they are an essential part of executing bodily functions like ridding of stool and pee, and having sex. Like anything else in your body, they can weaken throughout the normal aging process leading to concerns like incontinence, or general pain and discomfort.

Differences between people assigned female versus male at birth

Everyone has a pelvic floor regardless of their gender or reproductive anatomy. Pelvic floor health has different implications depending on the type of anatomy it’s supporting. For people assigned female at birth (AFAB), the pelvic floor muscles support the uterus, bladder, and bowel, and the anus, vagina, and urethra all pass through this group of muscles. The pelvic floor is strongly involved in pregnancy and this is a common cause of pelvic floor dysfunction. For people assigned male at birth (AMAB), the pelvic floor muscles support the bladder and bowel, and the anus and urethra pass through them. Unfortunately, there is next to no research or information about transgender and intersex people and their pelvic floor health.

Common Pelvic Floor Concerns

Having pelvic muscles that are too weak or too tight can cause concern; the idea is to find a balance. Pelvic floor concerns might be the cause of additional problems but it can also be a symptom of conditions like endometriosis, pelvic inflammatory disease, and menstrual cycle cramping.

If untreated, pelvic floor imbalances can cause:

  • Sexual dysfunction

  • Pelvic pain

    • Pelvic floor dysfunction (PFD) is “the inability to correctly relax and coordinate your pelvic floor muscles to have a bowel movement.” It’s more commonly experienced by people assigned female at birth. Symptoms associated with it in addition to pain (usually exacerbated by sexual intercourse or certain movements) are incontinence, bloating and constipation, and lower back pain. 

  • Bladder concerns

    • If your pelvic muscles are too weak, you may struggle with a frequent urge to pee or an inability to hold in pee. This is often an aftereffect of pregnancy and giving birth. 

  • Bowel problems

    • Similar to bladder concerns, weak pelvic muscles sometimes struggle to hold in gas or poop, leading to bowel incontinence. On the other end, you might also experience constipation and straining pain when trying to poop. 

Options for Addressing Pelvic Floor Concerns

  • Medication

    • Medication options will differ depending on the root cause of pelvic floor concerns. Hormonal based therapies like GnRH, Progestin, and oral contraceptives may be used to treat pelvic floor concerns associated with reproductive conditions such as endometriosis. For pain, over the counter medications like Tylenol can be used. If an infection is the source of pain, you may be prescribed antibiotics. Before starting any medication, discuss with your doctor to make sure it’s the right route for you and that it won’t cause adverse effects.   

  • Relaxation techniques

  • Physical therapy

    • If your effort with pelvic floor exercises at home don’t work for you or if you’re just seeking professional guidance, physical therapy is a good option. 

  • Pelvic floor exercises

    • Kegels are the most well known pelvic floor exercise and they’re a great way to strengthen those muscles. Click through on the link above to get more details on how to properly do pelvic floor exercises.

Pelvic floor health is a buzzy topic on social media these days, especially on TikTok. We would caution you against taking any of that advice prior to speaking with a qualified health professional who knows you personally. If your pelvic floor concerns are causing mental distress, consider seeing a sex therapist. For those located in Illinois, reach out to Embrace Sexual Wellness to see if we’re a good fit for you.

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Navigating Sexual Health Conversations with Multiple Partners

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Having safer sex with just one partner is one thing, but what about navigating sexual risk when there are multiple partners in play? Though there are certainly a few more moving bits and pieces to manage, with clear communication and the mutual goal of having informed consensual sex that is as safe as possible, it’s totally doable. It should be noted that transparency among everyone involved, including about STI status, is the difference between practicing non-monogamy versus cheating. This conversation is one that should happen regardless of how casual or serious the relationship is. 

There is no such thing as risk-free sex; all sex comes with at least a small risk of pregnancy and/or STIs. Communication and safer sex practices are the best way to mitigate risk, even if it can’t be completely eliminated. Here are some specific tips to help you navigate your sexual health and safety with multiple partners. 

1) Understand the full scope of risk

  • Here are some questions you should know the answers to after discussing safer sex practices with your partners

    • How many people total are involved (all your partners plus all of their partners)? 

    • Has everyone been tested recently (see tip #2)? 

    • What is the protocol following an STI diagnosis of one of your partners or one of your partners’ partners? 

    • What types of protection are being used? 

      1. Who, if anyone, is fluid bonded (having unprotected sex)?

    • Is everyone involved fully aware that not all STIs are immediately detectable, nor do they all involve visible and obvious symptoms?  

2) Get tested often

  • If you’re sleeping with other people, and especially if those people are also sleeping with multiple people, it’s a good idea to get routine STI tests. For most, it’s sufficient to get tested every 3-6 months, but if you’re worried about that being too much or too little, consider consulting a trusted medical professional who you can comfortably talk to about your sex life.

  • It is really important to remember that it takes some STIs up to three months to be detectable with testing so even if all sexual partners test negative, there is still a nonzero risk of STI transmission.  

3) Be upfront about your boundaries without shaming

  • Weighing the risk to reward ratio for sex is a personal decision so it’s possible you might not see exactly eye to eye with your partners. It’s important to assert what your boundaries are, while still being respectful of the risk they’ve chosen to take on especially since STIs are shrouded in so much stigma as it is. At the end of the day, you are at liberty to decline to have sex with someone if their sex practices seem too risky for your comfort, which is why it’s so important to have these conversations early in order to establish those boundaries on both sides. It’s possible to do so by explaining yourself and what you want without disparaging the choices someone else has made.

It can feel scary or intimidating to have these conversations and that’s okay! It might even help ease some anxiety to express that upfront. And if someone does take issue with you trying to have this kind of conversation, they’re not someone you want to be involved with anyway.

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