Anxiety Getting in the Way of Sex? Here Are Some Tips

Anxiety comes in many forms, from generalized to circumstantial to sexual and beyond. Any type of anxiety has the potential to interfere with your sex life. If you're experiencing anxiety, it's important to know that you aren't alone. The good news is that anxiety can be addressed and there are tools to make it easier to have the sex life you want. Sometimes, stigma surrounding anxiety makes it difficult to openly talk about it or to ask for help but in reality there is nothing to be ashamed of. 

Regardless of how you experience anxiety or why, it can affect how you connect with people and yourself which is why it gets in the way of sex. Anxiety has the potential to lower your libido, deflate your confidence, stop you from asking what you want, and prevent you from achieving orgasm - just to name a few effects. You need to figure out the root of your anxiety in order to address it properly. For instance, if your anxiety stems from body insecurity, you may try to spend your energy working on your body image; if your anxiety primarily stems from something like mental illness, this may not be the most efficient way to help your anxiety. Ultimately, there is no one size fits all treatment so it will likely take trial and error to figure out what works best for you. 

Here are some ways to help with anxiety and your sex life:

• Try to be non-judgmentally mindful and stay in the moment. This is easier said than done but if your mind is constantly wandering during sex, it’s hard to enjoy yourself. You can find tips for being more mindful during sex here.

• Talk with your partner(s) about your experience with anxiety. Letting them know that you are experiencing anxiety may alleviate some feelings by getting it out in the open to address. This way, you and your partner can try to work on the problem as a team, as opposed to you navigating it alone.

• Take the pressure off of “goal oriented sex,” like expecting penetration or an orgasm as an integral part of “successful” sex. Physical intimacy takes many forms and unlearning expectations about what it “should” look like can help you enjoy yourself more.

• Give yourself grace. Anxiety is not your fault and you deserve to be patient with yourself as you work through it.

• Therapy is a great option for addressing anxiety if it’s available to you. Consider reaching out to Embrace Sexual Wellness to get in touch with a therapist today!

Navigating Sexual Health Conversations with Multiple Partners

Having safer sex with just one partner is one thing, but what about navigating sexual risk when there are multiple partners in play? Though there are certainly a few more moving bits and pieces to manage, with clear communication and the mutual goal of having informed consensual sex that is as safe as possible, it’s totally doable. It should be noted that transparency among everyone involved, including about STI status, is the difference between practicing non-monogamy versus cheating. This conversation is one that should happen regardless of how casual or serious the relationship is. 

There is no such thing as risk-free sex; all sex comes with at least a small risk of pregnancy and/or STIs. Communication and safer sex practices are the best way to mitigate risk, even if it can’t be completely eliminated. Here are some specific tips to help you navigate your sexual health and safety with multiple partners. 

1) Understand the full scope of risk

• Here are some questions you should know the answers to after discussing safer sex practices with your partners

  • How many people total are involved (all your partners plus all of their partners)? 

  • Has everyone been tested recently (see tip #2)? 

  • What is the protocol following an STI diagnosis of one of your partners or one of your partners’ partners? 

  • What types of protection are being used? 

    1. Who, if anyone, is fluid bonded (having unprotected sex)?

  • Is everyone involved fully aware that not all STIs are immediately detectable, nor do they all involve visible and obvious symptoms?  

2) Get tested often

• If you’re sleeping with other people, and especially if those people are also sleeping with multiple people, it’s a good idea to get routine STI tests. For most, it’s sufficient to get tested every 3-6 months, but if you’re worried about that being too much or too little, consider consulting a trusted medical professional who you can comfortably talk to about your sex life.

• It is really important to remember that it takes some STIs up to three months to be detectable with testing so even if all sexual partners test negative, there is still a nonzero risk of STI transmission.  

3) Be upfront about your boundaries without shaming

• Weighing the risk to reward ratio for sex is a personal decision so it’s possible you might not see exactly eye to eye with your partners. It’s important to assert what your boundaries are, while still being respectful of the risk they’ve chosen to take on especially since STIs are shrouded in so much stigma as it is. At the end of the day, you are at liberty to decline to have sex with someone if their sex practices seem too risky for your comfort, which is why it’s so important to have these conversations early in order to establish those boundaries on both sides. It’s possible to do so by explaining yourself and what you want without disparaging the choices someone else has made.

It can feel scary or intimidating to have these conversations and that’s okay! It might even help ease some anxiety to express that upfront. And if someone does take issue with you trying to have this kind of conversation, they’re not someone you want to be involved with anyway.