Having safer sex with just one partner is one thing, but what about navigating sexual risk when there are multiple partners in play? Though there are certainly a few more moving bits and pieces to manage, with clear communication and the mutual goal of having informed consensual sex that is as safe as possible, it’s totally doable. It should be noted that transparency among everyone involved, including about STI status, is the difference between practicing non-monogamy versus cheating. This conversation is one that should happen regardless of how casual or serious the relationship is.
There is no such thing as risk-free sex; all sex comes with at least a small risk of pregnancy and/or STIs. Communication and safer sex practices are the best way to mitigate risk, even if it can’t be completely eliminated. Here are some specific tips to help you navigate your sexual health and safety with multiple partners.
1) Understand the full scope of risk
Here are some questions you should know the answers to after discussing safer sex practices with your partners
How many people total are involved (all your partners plus all of their partners)?
Has everyone been tested recently (see tip #2)?
What is the protocol following an STI diagnosis of one of your partners or one of your partners’ partners?
What types of protection are being used?
Who, if anyone, is fluid bonded (having unprotected sex)?
Is everyone involved fully aware that not all STIs are immediately detectable, nor do they all involve visible and obvious symptoms?
2) Get tested often
If you’re sleeping with other people, and especially if those people are also sleeping with multiple people, it’s a good idea to get routine STI tests. For most, it’s sufficient to get tested every 3-6 months, but if you’re worried about that being too much or too little, consider consulting a trusted medical professional who you can comfortably talk to about your sex life.
It is really important to remember that it takes some STIs up to three months to be detectable with testing so even if all sexual partners test negative, there is still a nonzero risk of STI transmission.
3) Be upfront about your boundaries without shaming
Weighing the risk to reward ratio for sex is a personal decision so it’s possible you might not see exactly eye to eye with your partners. It’s important to assert what your boundaries are, while still being respectful of the risk they’ve chosen to take on especially since STIs are shrouded in so much stigma as it is. At the end of the day, you are at liberty to decline to have sex with someone if their sex practices seem too risky for your comfort, which is why it’s so important to have these conversations early in order to establish those boundaries on both sides. It’s possible to do so by explaining yourself and what you want without disparaging the choices someone else has made.
It can feel scary or intimidating to have these conversations and that’s okay! It might even help ease some anxiety to express that upfront. And if someone does take issue with you trying to have this kind of conversation, they’re not someone you want to be involved with anyway.
