16 Ways Shame Shows Up During Sex and How It Can Impact Your Relationship

Shameful messages about sex often stem from societal, cultural, religious, and familial beliefs that label certain sexual behaviors, desires, or identities as "wrong," "dirty," or "immoral." These messages can deeply affect how people perceive themselves and their sexuality. Here are some common shameful messages about sex:

1. Sex is Only for Reproduction

• Message: "Sex is only acceptable if it's for having children or in a committed marriage."

• Impact: This message shames people who engage in sex for pleasure or outside of traditional marriage, reinforcing the idea that sexuality is only valuable when linked to reproduction or procreation.

2. Sex is "Dirty" or "Wrong"

• Message: "Sex is inherently dirty or sinful, and people who enjoy it are morally flawed."

• Impact: This leads to feelings of guilt or shame about sexual desire or activity, even within consensual, healthy relationships. It may also foster a sense of "uncleanliness" after sex, making it harder to embrace sexual expression as a natural part of life.

3. Women's Sexuality is Shameful

• Message: "Women should not express desire or pleasure in sex; they should be passive, chaste, or only interested in sex for their partner's sake."

• Impact: This message can lead to women feeling ashamed of their sexual desires, fantasies, or pleasure, and might cause them to suppress or ignore their own needs. It can also reinforce the idea that women’s sexual pleasure isn’t as valid as men’s.

4. Sexual Fantasies are Wrong

• Message: "Having sexual fantasies, especially about taboo subjects, makes you a bad or immoral person."

• Impact: This message induces guilt about natural fantasies, which are a normal part of human sexuality. People may feel embarrassed or ashamed about their thoughts, even though fantasies are private and don't necessarily reflect real-life desires.

5. Sex Outside of Heterosexual Marriage is Bad

• Message: "Sex is only acceptable within a heterosexual, monogamous marriage."

• Impact: This message stigmatizes LGBTQ+ people, those who practice polyamory, or people who have casual sex. It can foster shame about one's sexual orientation, relationship structure, or sexual choices.

6. Sexual Repression is Virtuous

• Message: "People should remain sexually abstinent or 'pure' until marriage."

• Impact: This can create shame for anyone who has sex outside of marriage, leading to feelings of self-judgment, fear of rejection, or fear of being perceived as "loose" or immoral.

7. Sex is Only About Physical Performance

• Message: "Sex is all about physical performance and pleasing your partner; if you fail to meet certain standards, you’re a failure."

• Impact: This message pressures individuals to view sex solely through the lens of performance and appearance, which can lead to body shame, anxiety, and a fear of not measuring up in bed.

8. Pleasure for Women is Less Important

• Message: "It doesn’t matter if women orgasm or enjoy sex; their role is to satisfy the man."

• Impact: This creates shame for women who experience difficulty with orgasm or feel their pleasure isn't as important as their partner's. It can also lead to feelings of inadequacy and emotional disconnection in sexual relationships.

9. Men Should Always Want Sex

• Message: "Men are always sexually ready and should be the initiators of sex."

• Impact: This puts pressure on men to constantly desire sex, making it difficult for them to express discomfort, fatigue, or disinterest in sex without feeling inadequate or "less manly." It can also ignore the complexity of men’s emotional and physical needs.

10. Masturbation is Wrong

• Message: "Masturbating is sinful, shameful, or unnatural."

• Impact: This message creates guilt around self-pleasure, making it difficult for people to embrace their own bodies and sexual needs. It can also foster shame in exploring one's own sexual desires.

11. Sexual Abuse is the SURVIVOR’S Fault

• Message: "If you were sexually assaulted or harassed, you must have done something to provoke it."

• Impact: This harmful narrative places blame on survivors of sexual violence, leading to shame, guilt, and a reluctance to seek support or speak out. It can also discourage survivors from seeing themselves as worthy of respect, consent and pleasure.

12. Sexual Diversity is Unnatural

• Message: "Anything other than heterosexual sex between a man and a woman is unnatural, sinful, or perverted."

• Impact: This message stigmatizes LGBTQ+ individuals, making them feel that their sexual identity and orientation are wrong. It can cause significant emotional distress and contribute to feelings of isolation and shame.

13. Sex is Only for Young People

• Message: "Sex is for the young and desirable, and older people or those with disabilities shouldn’t have sex."

• Impact: This can create shame around aging or physical limitations, making people feel that they are no longer sexually valuable or worthy of intimacy once they get older or experience changes in their bodies.

14. Sex is Always Supposed to Be Spontaneous

• Message: "Sex should always feel spontaneous, passionate, and effortless."

• Impact: This can make people feel ashamed of their need to plan for sex or incorporate communication and effort into their sexual lives, as it assumes that sex should just "happen" naturally. It ignores the reality that sexual relationships often require communication, care, and intentionality.

15. Consent Doesn't Matter if You're in a Relationship

• Message: "If you're in a relationship, you don’t need to communicate or ask for consent because sex is an assumed part of the relationship."

• Impact: This can lead to the invalidation of a person's right to say "no" or set boundaries, fostering a sense of shame if they ever feel uncomfortable saying "no" to sex or questioning consent.

16. Shame Around "Virginity"

• Message: "Your worth or purity is tied to being a 'virgin.' Losing your virginity makes you less valuable or 'dirty.'"

• Impact: This creates intense shame for individuals who haven’t had sex, or for those who have lost their virginity in ways that don't align with cultural expectations, such as without love or in casual situations.

These messages often lead people to feel alienated, confused, or guilty about their sexuality. It can take time and effort to unlearn them and replace them with healthier, more open views of sex and sexuality. Cultivating sexual self-acceptance and seeking supportive, non-judgmental spaces for exploring sexuality can help challenge these shameful messages and promote a healthier relationship with one's sexual self.

How to talk with your elementary school child about sex

Talking to kids about sex and sexual health can be an uncomfortable topic for many parents and it is hard to know how to approach it appropriately. However, open and honest communication is essential for their understanding and well-being. Sex is a fundamental part of being human and the sooner kids understand concepts like consent and safer sex practices, the better equipped they will be to navigate their relationships responsibly. Of course, there are developmentally appropriate ways to speak about sex and sex-related topics so you do not necessarily need to be talking to your kindergartener about birth control, for example. In this blog, we will provide tips for having developmentally appropriate conversations about sex and sexual health with elementary-age kids.

Which sex-related topics are appropriate for elementary school kids?

When it comes to discussing sex-related topics with elementary school kids, it is important to approach the conversation with developmentally appropriate information. The priority when speaking to young kids about sex is to provide a strong foundation for comprehensive sex education in the long term. Some topics to start with are body parts, reproduction, gender and identity, and consent.   

Body Parts

Before you can discuss anything else, a child must have the vocabulary to express and understand sexual health. Avoid euphemisms for genitalia and instead use anatomically correct terminology like penis, testicles, vulva, and vagina. This helps to de-stigmatize these words. AmazeJr for Kids: Help kids learn about their bodies [with Tusky & Friends] and Advocates for Youth have helpful resources on body parts.

Reproduction

Reproduction is fundamental to human existence; it is why sex exists in the first place. Therefore, this is an essential topic to cover from a young age. When discussing reproduction with young kids, you do not have to go into graphic detail but you can share the basic facts. An example of when this might come up is if someone the child knows gets pregnant. We recommend this guide from Planned Parenthood and this roundup of children's books for talking to kids about pregnancy.

Gender & Sexual Identity

When discussing gender and sexual identity with kids, you can introduce the concepts of gender, different sexualities, and pronouns. This may require you to assess some of your own biases and knowledge limitations, and you should educate yourself before introducing these concepts to a child. An example of when this might come up is if the child themself is questioning their gender and/or sexuality, or if a classmate comes out as queer. Gender Spectrum and Sex Positive Families have some useful resources for talking about gender and sexual identities.      

Consent & Bodily Autonomy

Consent and bodily autonomy are integral subjects to cover since they are relevant beyond a sexual context. Kids should understand how to respect and communicate personal boundaries. Explain that everyone has the right to say “no” to unwanted physical contact and that it is important to ask for permission before touching someone else. An example of when this might come up is giving and receiving hugs from peers. Consent at Every Age by Harvard and My Space, Your Space are some great resources to explore.

How do I make the conversation accessible and comfortable?

Once you know what you need to talk about, you might still be unsure of how to convey this information effectively. Here are some recommendations to guide your approach to these conversations. 

1. Utilize external resources like books and videos.

A daunting part of talking about these topics is that you yourself might not feel equipped or knowledgeable enough to teach a child. Fortunately, there are tons of resources available to educate both you and your child including these created by Amaze and Planned Parenthood.

• For kids who are curious about queerness, consider these resources for Families of LGBTQ+ People - PFLAG NYC

• For questions about changing bodies and puberty, consider this guide from Planned Parenthood

• For questions about pregnancy and birth, consider this resource from Advocates for Youth 

If you are still feeling uncertain about approaching these subjects with your child, consider reaching out to a sexuality educator who can give you more specific guidance and support.

2. Be open, non-judgmental, and inclusive.

A central goal of having these conversations with your child should be to position yourself as a safe person for them to come to with sex and body-related questions and problems throughout their development. By encouraging their curiosity, speaking non-judgmentally, and providing education that accounts for a variety of sexualities and gender identities, you can encourage your child to be comfortable coming to you with questions and problems in the long term. 

For example, perhaps down the line your child will question their sexuality and that often comes with a fear of rejection from loved ones. If you have made it clear that you are accepting and non-judgmental, they are more likely to come to you while navigating their self-discovery. In this scenario, you can first make sure they know that you love and support them no matter how they identify. Then, if they would like to have a conversation about it, let them take the lead and share what they feel comfortable with. Finally, you can offer them resources like videos, books, support groups, and the opportunity to talk with LGBTQ+ adults in your life.        

3. Utilize everyday opportunities.

In your daily life, there are bound to be prompts to discuss key concepts with your child. For example, if someone in your family’s life becomes pregnant, you can use that opportunity to explain how babies are made with your child.  

Having open and honest conversations with kids about sex and sexual health is crucial for their understanding, well-being, and ability to navigate the world responsibly. While these conversations may feel uncomfortable or challenging for parents, they will provide your child with the knowledge and skills they need to navigate sexual health and relationships healthily and confidently. On that note, what about when your child is uncomfortable? If your child does express that they are uncomfortable, that is a boundary that should be respected. First of all, you can try to give them some agency by asking if a different time or location for the conversation would be more comfortable. If they still refuse, as is their right, you can provide them access to educational resources and try again in a few weeks.  

Resources for Ongoing Learning

It is impossible to cover every subject and the nuances of these conversations in depth in one article so this is not a comprehensive guide. Here are some resources for further learning:

• Tips for Talking to Your Kids About Sex & Relationships 

• Handling the Birds and the Bees: How to Have the 'Sex Talk' With Your Kids 

• When and How to Talk to Kids About Sex | Psychology Today 

• How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex 

• Talk to Your Kids About Sex and Healthy Relationships - MyHealthfinder | health.gov  

• How to talk to kids about sex: An age-by-age guide to sex education for parents 

• When To Talk To Your Child About Sexual Health - Mayo Clinic Press 

• Queer Kid Stuff

• Ask Roo | The Sexual Health Chatbot from Planned Parenthood

• Parents’ Checklist to Support Their Children’s Sex Education

• The case for starting sex ed in kindergarten (hula hoops recommended)

• Amaze Sex Education for Kids - Resources for Parents

Why Do We Prioritize Romantic Over Platonic Love?

American society is obsessed with romantic love. From romantic comedies dominating box offices to holidays like Valentine’s Day to societal expectations of marriage as the ultimate goal, there is no shortage of conditioning to make people believe romantic love is more valuable and superior to platonic love. 

The philosopher Elizabeth Brake coined the term “amatonormativity” which, as defined in her book Minimizing Marriage: Marriage, Morality, and the Law, “refers to “the assumptions that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types.” The narrative that one is not complete without a lifelong, monogamous, and (ideally, in the eyes of society) heterosexual romantic partnership is enforced around every corner. This leads to people who don’t want that or can’t find that to feel defective.

In reality, there is nothing inherently more valuable about romantic love. When pressed, it’s tough to even put into words the actual distinction between romantic and platonic love. Some people might say it’s the physical intimacy, but what about people who can’t have sex but desire a romantic relationship for a variety of reasons like asexuality or depression or a physical limitation related to having sex? Are those people and their romantic connections any less valid? Of course not. Frankly, there is not a single satisfactory answer for what differentiates romantic relationships from platonic ones because it’s such a personal experience.

The tricky part of defining the differences between types of relationships is the disconnect between the breadth of the English language and the internal experience of emotions, which vary from person to person. How do you universally define a feeling? You can’t really, and when you try, that’s how people end up feeling excluded when their experience doesn’t align with the socially-enforced expectations they’ve internalized.

Contrary to what American society expects and conditions us to think, romantic and platonic love are simply different and neither is better nor worse. Romance does not have to be a part of your social life in order to feel fulfilled and loved.

This conversation is further complicated by feelings that don’t fit into either the traditional “romantic” or “platonic” definitions of relationships. There are queerplatonic relationships, sexual relationships without a romantic or platonic element, and purely aesthetic attraction, to name a few examples outside the romantic/platonic binary. With the nuances and intricacies of human emotion, it makes sense that a simple binary couldn’t possibly encapsulate the realm of possibility for relationship forms. There are more options open to us than societal conditioning has led us to believe. 

The bottom line is that you should navigate your relationships and prioritizing them however feels right to you, your needs, and your loved ones. There is nothing wrong with being happy as a single person or prioritizing fulfillment in other areas of your life over romance, like friendships. Just because society is telling you that in order to feel fulfilled you need a romantic partner does not make it true.