Sex Therapy

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Questions to Ask a Sex Therapist Before Your First Appointment

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Sex therapy is “a type of psychotherapy specifically meant to ad sexual function, sexual feelings and intimacy, amongst other romantic and sexuality related concerns.” There are a multitude of reasons to see a sex therapist and if you think sex therapy might be right for you, let’s talk about actually finding a sex therapist.

Vetting Questions

If it’s accessible to you, don’t be afraid to set up consultations with several professionals to compare their styles and compatibility. The consultation is an opportunity to learn more about the therapist, their expertise, and whether you feel comfortable with them. Here are some specific questions to guide that conversation.

1) What is your area of expertise? 

Like any branch of therapy, sex therapists have a variety of specialties including, but not limited to couples therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and sexual abuse therapy.

2) What approaches to sex therapy do you use? 

Relating to the previous point, sex therapists have subject specialties (like sexual abuse), as well as approach specialities (like cognitive behavioral therapy). It’s important to ask about both in order to get a full picture of the therapist’s ethos.

3) What happens during a typical session? 

It’s important to know that sex therapy does not include physical intimacy with the therapist. Different therapists will organize sessions differently, though most operate in a talk-therapy format. Some will have a more structured approach, while others leave room for open ended sessions.

Resources for finding a therapist


If you’re located in Chicago or the state of Illinois, reach out to Embrace Sexual Wellness to see if one of our therapists would be a good fit for you! 

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What Do You Look for in a Therapist?

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Finding a therapist is no easy feat. From insurance to personality compatibility to coordinating schedules, searching for the right mental health professional can be understandably overwhelming. This article is meant to guide you through the process, covering how to find the right fit, how to tell if they’re the right fit, and how to measure quality of care.

Where to begin your search

  • Word of mouth is a great way to find therapists in your area, especially if the recommendation comes from someone who knows you and your needs well. If you do want to pursue a recommendation from a friend, make sure you check that it’s not a conflict of interest to see the same therapist. 

  • If you are insured, a good place to start is your insurance company’s directory of in-network professionals. 

  • If you are uninsured or you’re looking for alternative search engine options, here are some alternative places to look for a therapist.

    • Open Path Collective

      1. “Open Path Psychotherapy Collective is a nonprofit nationwide network of mental health professionals dedicated to providing in-office and online mental health care—at a steeply reduced rate—to clients in need.” 

    • Inclusive Therapists

      1. “Seeking therapy can be a vulnerable process. We understand. We aim to make it simpler and safer for people in marginalized communities. Find a culturally responsive, 2SLGBTQ+ affirming therapist that celebrates your full identity” 

    • APA Psychologist Locator

      1. APA is the leading scientific and professional organization representing psychology in the United States, with more than 133,000 researchers, educators, clinicians, consultants, and students as its members.

    • TherapyDen

      1. “We are an online community of mental health professionals seeking to make the experience of finding a therapist easy.” 

    • Therapy For Black Girls

      1. “So often the stigma surrounding mental health issues and therapy prevents Black women from taking the step of seeing a therapist. This space was developed to present mental health topics in a way that feels more accessible and relevant.”

Considerations for your search parameters

  • Finding the name of a therapist is one thing, but it’s an entire other thing to find a therapist who works for you and your needs.  

  • When you’re considering what might make a therapist a good fit for you, think first of whether or not you have any identity preferences such as gender or race that would allow a therapist to relate to certain experiences. 

  • Before meeting with a therapist, try to do initial phone screenings of several options to ask about their specialties, whether they have experience with your specific issues, what structure their sessions usually follow, and any other information that you might need. 

  • Logistical factors you may need to take into consideration are location, cost, mutual schedule availability, and the therapist’s availability outside of sessions, such as for emergencies. 

How to tell if they’re the right fit

  • You feel comfortable being vulnerable around them (at least relative to others)

  •  They have strong, clearly communicated boundaries about their policies and personal life

  • You are able to share concerns about the therapeutic relationship and they respond with openness and a desire to problem solve 

  • They respect your values and identity 

  • They guide you to your goals and coach you to be able to make your own decisions 

  • They challenge you in constructive ways. For example, they might ask you to reconsider a self-deprecating statement and work to get to the root of the thought in order to unpack it

Signs that they’re not a good fit

  • They judge you or shame you 

  • They have no experience with your issue(s)

  • They overshare about themselves

  • They tell you what to do rather than guiding you to make your own decisions

  • You regularly feel worse after your session

It will take some time to find a therapist who works for you and when you’re in need of help, that can be discouraging. Perhaps try asking a trusted friend or family member to aid you in your search and/or ask them to sit with you for moral support while you do it. Once you do find a good therapist, it will be worth it. Simply wanting to seek help is a huge first step so show yourself gratitude for taking the time to read this. If you are seeking therapy for concerns related to sexuality or your relationships, consider reaching out to Embrace Sexual Wellness to see if our team might be a good fit for you. 

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Physical Intimacy After Sexual Trauma

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Content warning: discussion of trauma and sexual assault

Sexual trauma is one of the most harrowing experiences someone can go through and unfortunately, it’s far too common. Sexual trauma can be caused by any kind of non-consensual sexual experience; including rape, sexual assault, sexual harassment, and childhood molestation. Given that trauma is subjective, it is up to the individual to determine how to define their experience. On average, there are 450,000+ survivors of rape and sexual assault every year in the United States, a number which is likely underreported. Survivors of sexual trauma frequently struggle with PTSD and are more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol to cope. Experiencing sexual trauma has the potential to upend someone’s entire life, not least of all their sex life. Trauma responses can range from sex repulsion to hyper-sexuality. There is no one timeline or coping strategy that will work for every survivor of sexual assault so the most important part is to respect one’s own boundaries and to move at a pace that feels comfortable. There’s no obligation to return to consensual sex but for those who want that, healing is possible, even if it is sometimes challenging. 

Common obstacles to resuming consensual intimacy may include negative body image, flashbacks, and PTSD. If it’s accessible to you, work with a trauma informed therapist to facilitate your healing process. Embrace Sexual Wellness offers therapy to address sexual trauma concerns and you can learn more about our services here. In the meanwhile, the following tips and resources can assist your healing process. 

General Tips

  • Identify your specific triggers and boundaries to understand what your healing process should work to address

  • Move at your own pace

  • Explore intimacy solo before partnered 

  • Test out different coping mechanisms for trauma healing such as talk therapy, mindfulness, and medication 

  • Reassociate intimacy, touch, and sensuality with positive connotations

  • When returning to partnered intimacy, be in constant communication


Body Image 

  • If your body image has been affected by sexual trauma, it may put you at risk for self-harm or disregard for your own safety so it is vital to address as soon as possible

  • Surround yourself online and in real life with a diverse community of body positive or body neutral people, especially on social media

  • Understand that you deserve peace and to feel worthy. You deserve self-compassion

  • Resources

Flashbacks/PTSD

Reintroducing Intimacy

  

Reclaiming Sexuality

  • Masturbation can aid in reclaiming a sense of control and ability to experience sexual pleasure

  • Both hypo- and hypersexuality are normative post-trauma responses 

  • Read articles and books to guide you through reclaiming your sexuality. Good book options include 

    • The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

    • Dear Sister: Letters from Survivors of Sexual Violence edited by Lisa Factora-Borchers

    • The Rape Recover Handbook: Step by Step Help for Survivors of Sexual Assault by Aphrodite T. Matsakis

    • The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz

    • Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines 

  • Talk about shame, obstacles, concerns, and intimacy through with a consenting friend or, ideally, a mental health professional

  • Be patient and kind to yourself

  • Resources


Regardless of your experience or post-trauma response, you deserve to heal, reclaim your sexuality, and enjoy sex again (if you enjoyed sex pre-trauma). Your experience is valid and please give yourself grace as you navigate the complex feelings associated with healing trauma. Build your support network, read up on healing strategies, and be patient. If you’ve tried healing on your own and you need more support, contact us for trauma-informed therapy.

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