Wondering About Relationship Therapy? Here are 3 Myths to Debunk

Relationship therapy is a great tool that, unfortunately, is often stigmatized and surrounded by myths that disincentivize people from utilizing it. Some of these myths include that relationship therapy is only for those on the brink of divorce, that relationship therapy is a cop out from fixing the problem yourselves, that a stranger couldn’t possibly help your relationship, and that the therapist will take sides or favor one partner over the other. Here are some of the most common myths; let’s breakdown why each one is incorrect.

1) Relationship therapy is only for those on the brink of divorce

While some people certainly go to therapy as a last resort to avoid the end of the relationship, that is far from the only valid reason to try relationship therapy. Perhaps you need to fine tune communication skills, or maybe there’s a desire discrepancy negatively impacting your sex life, or maybe you’re struggling to feel connected following the birth of a child; these examples and dozens more have the potential to benefit from relationship therapy.

2) Relationship therapy is a cop out from fixing the problem yourselves

Asking for help is not a weakness, it’s a strength. There is a reason that tools like relationship therapy exist; they’re there to be used, and they’re there because they have a documented history of helping people. Not only does a therapist bring their expertise to the table that people without formal psychological training don’t usually have, but they also serve as a mediator to try to ensure that all parties are not only heard, but understood. Wellness experts like personal trainers and physicians are much less stigmatized even though their role is similar to a relationship therapist’s in that their expertise facilitates their clients’ wellness. The choice to seek help from an expert is smart, not weak.

3) The therapist will take sides or favor one partner over the other(s) (especially if attending therapy was initiated by one more than the other(s))

In a successful therapeutic dynamic, this should not be the case. Ideally, everyone should feel heard and validated, and the therapist’s role is to facilitate that. Taking one side over another would only serve to alienate someone and therefore undermine the goal of the therapy.

Despite the stigma, relationship therapy is nothing to be ashamed of and with the right therapist, it can be a powerful tool. If you’re interested in learning more about whether or not relationship therapy is a good fit for you, reach out to Embrace Sexual Wellness.

Wondering How to Navigate Tough Conversations? Here Are 4 Tips

Having tough conversations is a fundamental part of any close relationship, platonic, romantic, and/or sexual. Unfortunately, that fact doesn’t make them any easier to have. Whether you want to talk to a friend about their chronic lateness or to your partner about your needs not being met, or any number of other examples, this article will discuss important, widely applicable conflict management tips to help you through it.

1) Being effective versus being right

Even though digging in your heels and trying to prove your correctness might feel more appealing and satisfying than aiming for effectiveness, it will foster a much more contentious conversation. Being right might be more satisfying in the short term, but focusing on being effective will be far more satisfying and bring more peace to your life in the long term. In an ideal world, you wouldn’t have to choose, but when you do have to choose, effectiveness will ultimately serve you and the relationship far more.

2) Operate on the assumption that everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment…

…even if that “best” is not enough for you right now. We are all imperfect and no matter how much we wish we could always bring our best self to the table, that simply isn’t the case. No matter how much you disagree with the person sitting across from you, the assumption that you are both doing your best can mitigate feelings of resentment. Just because someone is trying their best doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be held responsible for where they get it wrong, but reframing their intentions in this way makes it easier to empathize, and therefore easier to have a productive conversation.

3) Reframe the conflict as a team versus a problem instead of person versus person

In a tough conversation with a loved one, instead of going head to head and focusing on how to prove the other person wrong, try to approach the conflict as the two of you against the problem together. In a healthy relationship dynamic, you will have something in common: a desire to reach a resolution and you should use that commonality to your advantage. Reminding the other person of this fact can help defuse intense moments so you can proceed to a more effective solution.

4) Use the GIVE skill from DBT

Dialectical behavioral therapy is a modified type of cognitive behavioral therapy which primarily aims to teach how to live in the present, healthily cope, improve interpersonal interactions, and regulate intense emotions. An interpersonal effectiveness DBT skill is “GIVE” which stands for: (be) Gentle, (act) Interested, Validate, (use an) Easy Manner. Being Gentle means being nice and respectful while avoiding judgment, blaming, or threats. Acting Interested refers to active listening. Validating involves showing that you understand the other person’s thoughts and feelings; for example you might reiterate your understanding of what they’ve just told you to ensure you’re on the same page. Finally, an Easy Manner means checking your attitude at the door and bringing your kindest self to the table.

Though we hope these tips will help you facilitate a kind, collaborative conversation, it’s important to keep in mind that utilizing them will not necessarily eliminate all unpleasantness and challenge from your interpersonal interactions. That being said, if you try these tips and you still feel unequipped, consider seeing a therapist like the ones at Embrace Sexual Wellness.

5 Ways to Engage in Sexual Self-care

Self-care is a buzzword these days. So much so to the point that we know we should be caring for ourselves but are lost on where to even start. At the end of the day, people are talking about it for a reason and connecting to our needs is paramount to exploring and finessing our vibrant, holistic selves. One of the most salient and yet least talked about are sexual needs. Here are five ways you can take care of your sexual self:

1) Connect with your body outside of sexually charged contexts

Your sensual self is always a part of you. Yes, even when sex is the last thing on your mind! At the end of the day, sex is a bodily experience that can be experienced with presence and intention. Just as a musician will care for their instrument daily, our bodies respond well to fine-tuning. Here are some ideas for body connection:

• Daily movement - walking is a great place to start

• Dancing - I personally love to put on my favorite song(s) and follow the impulses in my body to move in whatever way feels good

• Stretching, yoga, and pilates

2) Pampering

Pampering is a great way to feel sexy. This may include manipulating body hair in a way that feels good to you, exfoliating your body with a scrub, or self-massage. Great places to start with self-massage would be your hands, feet, and scalp, then explore from there!

3) Schedule sexual intimacy

You may be thinking “Boo! Scheduling sex isn’t fun!” to which I’d respond, “Well, at least the people scheduling sex are getting some” 👀 If it is important to you, sex, like most things in your life, needs to be prioritized. Scheduling sex can be seen as lacking spontaneity but a quick reframe to see it as an exciting thing on the calendar can do the trick! Scheduling sex may be with a partner or partners, but you can also schedule solo play. Putting these encounters on your schedule gives you a chance to prepare emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc. to be in a place where you can engage in the scheduled activity with ease and intention.

4) Switch it up

Muscle memory serves us positively in a lot of ways, but the other side of that coin is limiting ourselves to a small set of sexual likes that we adhere strongly too. A huge aspect of sexual self-care is to have an openness to your sexuality which requires a healthy dose of curious exploration. Here are some ideas on how you can switch it up:

• Explore your own erogenous zones with varying types of touch, texture, and pressure

• Use your other hand when masturbating

• Slow Down – just because you had to frantically finish self-pleasure as a kid, doesn’t mean you have to engage in the same frantic mindset as an adult. Think about the many elements of music that come together to make a song, this is the breadth of possibilities you have in front of you. Your time with yourself could be an insurance commercial or it could be a top hit. Give yourself permission to take time to create your own masterpiece.

5) Share your discoveries 

We have a lot at our fingertips and unfortunately a comprehensive sexual education isn’t one of them. This lack of education has led to a large percentage of our population experiencing some level of shame connected with sex or sexual desires. Brene Brown teaches that the antidote to shame is empathy, and a fast track to empathy is sharing (and of course listening). As you engage in some of the suggestions outlined above, share your experiences with a safe partner, friend, or loved one. This might be one the most important acts of sexual self-care: pursue your sexual self-care and share your discoveries.

Written By: Seth Taylor, MFT (he/him/his)