5 Ways to Engage in Sexual Self-care

Self-care is a buzzword these days. So much so to the point that we know we should be caring for ourselves but are lost on where to even start. At the end of the day, people are talking about it for a reason and connecting to our needs is paramount to exploring and finessing our vibrant, holistic selves. One of the most salient and yet least talked about are sexual needs. Here are five ways you can take care of your sexual self:

1) Connect with your body outside of sexually charged contexts

Your sensual self is always a part of you. Yes, even when sex is the last thing on your mind! At the end of the day, sex is a bodily experience that can be experienced with presence and intention. Just as a musician will care for their instrument daily, our bodies respond well to fine-tuning. Here are some ideas for body connection:

• Daily movement - walking is a great place to start

• Dancing - I personally love to put on my favorite song(s) and follow the impulses in my body to move in whatever way feels good

• Stretching, yoga, and pilates

2) Pampering

Pampering is a great way to feel sexy. This may include manipulating body hair in a way that feels good to you, exfoliating your body with a scrub, or self-massage. Great places to start with self-massage would be your hands, feet, and scalp, then explore from there!

3) Schedule sexual intimacy

You may be thinking “Boo! Scheduling sex isn’t fun!” to which I’d respond, “Well, at least the people scheduling sex are getting some” 👀 If it is important to you, sex, like most things in your life, needs to be prioritized. Scheduling sex can be seen as lacking spontaneity but a quick reframe to see it as an exciting thing on the calendar can do the trick! Scheduling sex may be with a partner or partners, but you can also schedule solo play. Putting these encounters on your schedule gives you a chance to prepare emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc. to be in a place where you can engage in the scheduled activity with ease and intention.

4) Switch it up

Muscle memory serves us positively in a lot of ways, but the other side of that coin is limiting ourselves to a small set of sexual likes that we adhere strongly too. A huge aspect of sexual self-care is to have an openness to your sexuality which requires a healthy dose of curious exploration. Here are some ideas on how you can switch it up:

• Explore your own erogenous zones with varying types of touch, texture, and pressure

• Use your other hand when masturbating

• Slow Down – just because you had to frantically finish self-pleasure as a kid, doesn’t mean you have to engage in the same frantic mindset as an adult. Think about the many elements of music that come together to make a song, this is the breadth of possibilities you have in front of you. Your time with yourself could be an insurance commercial or it could be a top hit. Give yourself permission to take time to create your own masterpiece.

5) Share your discoveries 

We have a lot at our fingertips and unfortunately a comprehensive sexual education isn’t one of them. This lack of education has led to a large percentage of our population experiencing some level of shame connected with sex or sexual desires. Brene Brown teaches that the antidote to shame is empathy, and a fast track to empathy is sharing (and of course listening). As you engage in some of the suggestions outlined above, share your experiences with a safe partner, friend, or loved one. This might be one the most important acts of sexual self-care: pursue your sexual self-care and share your discoveries.

Written By: Seth Taylor, MFT (he/him/his)

Feeling Sad After Sex? Here Are A Few Ways to Manage Postcoital Dysphoria

Postcoital dysphoria (PCD), sometimes colloquially referred to as post-sex blues, is the name for feelings of sadness or agitation that may come up after consensual sex, regardless of how satisfying, loving, and/or enjoyable it was. People of any gender or sexuality can experience PCD with varying levels of frequency. If you do experience PCD, it can feel frustrating to have an emotional reaction that doesn’t necessarily align with your true feelings regarding the sex. Though the cause of PCD will vary from person to person, there are a few potential causes to consider including insufficient aftercare, expectations being unfulfilled, and underlying trauma or shame. Here are a few ways you might consider managing your PCD. 

Evaluate if your sexual aftercare routine is serving you effectively

Aftercare is “a way for you and your partner(s) to communicate, debrief, and love on each other after the session is finished in however way feels most fulfilling to your specific needs.” Though it started as a BDSM practice, anyone and everyone can utilize aftercare to regulate post-sex emotions. Aftercare can look like anything from cuddling to verbal validation to eating chocolate, and you might have to do some trial and error to figure out what works for you. Practicing post-sex rituals like this help transition from the emotional and physical intensity of a sexual encounter back into reality.

Journaling

Journaling about your PCD feelings can help process them and get to the root of the issue. This Well and Good article offers some important prompting questions to guide your journaling: 

• Was it before, during, and/or after sex that you started feeling something distressing?

• Is this feeling familiar to anything you've felt at another time in your life?

• Did your behavior work in alignment with your values?

• Are you satisfied with how you were treated?

• Is there anything you regret about the experience?

Be kind to yourself 

As frustrating as PCD is, it’s important not to blame yourself. There is nothing wrong with you, nor did you do anything wrong by experiencing it. Unkind thoughts only fuel the fire and may worsen the emotional distress. 

These tips may help lessen your distress, but to truly address it, you may need to seek professional help. If you’re consistently struggling and your sex life is challenging as a result, or if trauma is at the root of your PCD, or even if you just feel like you can’t deal with this alone, it might be time to check in with a sex therapist like the providers at Embrace Sexual Wellness.

Benefits of Mutual Masturbation

Masturbation and partnered sex each have their own distinct appeals, but did you know that you can combine the two and mutually masturbate with your partner(s)? Mutual masturbation is the practice of two (or more) people masturbating simultaneously in each others’ presence, either over video call or in the same room.

Some benefits to mutual masturbation are learning more about how your partner(s) like to be touched, being able to simultaneously orgasm, and it’s nearly impossible to get pregnant or catch an STI. If you want to try it out, here are some ideas for good positions when you’re together in person. You can also integrate sex toys to take it to the next level, whether you’re in the same place or not. Another fun way to structure your mutual masturbation is by watching porn together; this has the added bonus of sharing sexual interests by sharing your favorite porn.     

Mutual masturbation can be a fun way to vary your sex and masturbation habits but that it also comes with challenges. The major challenge that many people face when trying mutual masturbation is performance anxiety. Since masturbation is a vulnerable act that is most often practiced solo, it can take some adjusting in order to enjoy it in the presence of another person. 

Performance anxiety can occur in any kind of sex, but mutual masturbation is particularly intimidating for many people. Even beyond the societally ingrained shame surrounding enjoying sexual acts, being able to truly lean into and take pleasure from masturbating in front of others requires becoming comfortable with the intense vulnerability it implies. First of all, it’s a good idea to sit down with your partner(s) and layout everyone’s concerns and insecurities on the table. Just the act of sharing these vulnerable thoughts can help make you more comfortable with the idea. In terms of tangible steps for combatting performance anxiety, one way is to have your partner and/or yourself wear a blindfold or turning off the lights. Another important way to take some of the pressure off is to not expect an orgasm; it’s much more fruitful to focus on the pleasurable sensations and being in the moment and if an orgasm happens, it’s a happy bonus! If you struggle to stay in the moment, check out Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are to learn about sexual mindfulness. For a rundown of mindfulness exercises as a general concept outside of sex, check out this article. 

Ultimately, mutual masturbation is another version of sexual collaboration with your partner(s) and it has the potential to bring you closer, learn more about each others’ sexual likes and interests, and, over time, diminish sexual performance anxiety. As with any kind of sex, there is no right or wrong way to mutually masturbate as long as everyone is consenting and having a good time.