Feeling Sad After Sex? Here Are A Few Ways to Manage Postcoital Dysphoria

Postcoital dysphoria (PCD), sometimes colloquially referred to as post-sex blues, is the name for feelings of sadness or agitation that may come up after consensual sex, regardless of how satisfying, loving, and/or enjoyable it was. People of any gender or sexuality can experience PCD with varying levels of frequency. If you do experience PCD, it can feel frustrating to have an emotional reaction that doesn’t necessarily align with your true feelings regarding the sex. Though the cause of PCD will vary from person to person, there are a few potential causes to consider including insufficient aftercare, expectations being unfulfilled, and underlying trauma or shame. Here are a few ways you might consider managing your PCD. 

Evaluate if your sexual aftercare routine is serving you effectively

Aftercare is “a way for you and your partner(s) to communicate, debrief, and love on each other after the session is finished in however way feels most fulfilling to your specific needs.” Though it started as a BDSM practice, anyone and everyone can utilize aftercare to regulate post-sex emotions. Aftercare can look like anything from cuddling to verbal validation to eating chocolate, and you might have to do some trial and error to figure out what works for you. Practicing post-sex rituals like this help transition from the emotional and physical intensity of a sexual encounter back into reality.

Journaling

Journaling about your PCD feelings can help process them and get to the root of the issue. This Well and Good article offers some important prompting questions to guide your journaling: 

• Was it before, during, and/or after sex that you started feeling something distressing?

• Is this feeling familiar to anything you've felt at another time in your life?

• Did your behavior work in alignment with your values?

• Are you satisfied with how you were treated?

• Is there anything you regret about the experience?

Be kind to yourself 

As frustrating as PCD is, it’s important not to blame yourself. There is nothing wrong with you, nor did you do anything wrong by experiencing it. Unkind thoughts only fuel the fire and may worsen the emotional distress. 

These tips may help lessen your distress, but to truly address it, you may need to seek professional help. If you’re consistently struggling and your sex life is challenging as a result, or if trauma is at the root of your PCD, or even if you just feel like you can’t deal with this alone, it might be time to check in with a sex therapist like the providers at Embrace Sexual Wellness.

Benefits of Mutual Masturbation

Masturbation and partnered sex each have their own distinct appeals, but did you know that you can combine the two and mutually masturbate with your partner(s)? Mutual masturbation is the practice of two (or more) people masturbating simultaneously in each others’ presence, either over video call or in the same room.

Some benefits to mutual masturbation are learning more about how your partner(s) like to be touched, being able to simultaneously orgasm, and it’s nearly impossible to get pregnant or catch an STI. If you want to try it out, here are some ideas for good positions when you’re together in person. You can also integrate sex toys to take it to the next level, whether you’re in the same place or not. Another fun way to structure your mutual masturbation is by watching porn together; this has the added bonus of sharing sexual interests by sharing your favorite porn.     

Mutual masturbation can be a fun way to vary your sex and masturbation habits but that it also comes with challenges. The major challenge that many people face when trying mutual masturbation is performance anxiety. Since masturbation is a vulnerable act that is most often practiced solo, it can take some adjusting in order to enjoy it in the presence of another person. 

Performance anxiety can occur in any kind of sex, but mutual masturbation is particularly intimidating for many people. Even beyond the societally ingrained shame surrounding enjoying sexual acts, being able to truly lean into and take pleasure from masturbating in front of others requires becoming comfortable with the intense vulnerability it implies. First of all, it’s a good idea to sit down with your partner(s) and layout everyone’s concerns and insecurities on the table. Just the act of sharing these vulnerable thoughts can help make you more comfortable with the idea. In terms of tangible steps for combatting performance anxiety, one way is to have your partner and/or yourself wear a blindfold or turning off the lights. Another important way to take some of the pressure off is to not expect an orgasm; it’s much more fruitful to focus on the pleasurable sensations and being in the moment and if an orgasm happens, it’s a happy bonus! If you struggle to stay in the moment, check out Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are to learn about sexual mindfulness. For a rundown of mindfulness exercises as a general concept outside of sex, check out this article. 

Ultimately, mutual masturbation is another version of sexual collaboration with your partner(s) and it has the potential to bring you closer, learn more about each others’ sexual likes and interests, and, over time, diminish sexual performance anxiety. As with any kind of sex, there is no right or wrong way to mutually masturbate as long as everyone is consenting and having a good time.      

4 Ways to Cultivate Creativity in Relationships

Creativity is a fundamental way of facilitating interpersonal connection. Intentionally incorporating creativity can help you learn about yourself and your partner(s) and can help deepen your bond. The great news is that there are really no rules when it comes to creativity which is exciting and a little intimidating! These tips can help get you started.

1. Discuss new sexual interests

Once we find sexual activities we enjoy, it is easy to repeat them until they start to feel boring. This is especially true in longer term relationships. One way to break out of that cycle is to bring up new sexual interests. These could be activities you’ve enjoyed in the past, activities that you’ve heard of and find appealing, or activities you’ve fantasized about. Be open with your partner about what turns you on outside of your usual repertoire. You might be surprised by how much your interests overlap!

2. Explore erotica together

What if you aren’t sure about new things that turn you on? Erotica or porn can provide inspiration. You could read or watch alone and share what you’d like to try after, or watch together if that feels more comfortable. There are plenty of erotica and porn websites available, but these are some recommendations from us at ESW.

3. Practice Playful flirting

Flirting is fun way to communicate desires to a partner. You can tell a partner things about them that turn you on or things you’d like to do with them. You can even turn your flirting into a role play. The best part is that, nowadays, you don’t even need to flirt in person. Sexting via text or video/audio messages can take off some of the pressure that can come from in person flirting.

4. Plan novel dates

Think past dinner and a movie. There are so many other fun date plans to choose from, and the novelty of trying something different can feel really exciting. Consider activities you’ve wanted to try but haven’t yet. Some ideas include:

• Taking a cooking class together

• Going to a paint and sip event

• Going to a new museum or art exhibit

• Walking around a part of your city you haven’t been to yet

• Hiking around a new area

Remember, these ideas are just a starting point. Once you’ve tried some of these options, consider going further and exploring new ways to keep the creativity alive in your relationship!