All About Lube: Which kind is right for you?

Lubricant is perhaps one of the most versatile sex accessories out there. It’s a liquid or gel that mitigates unwanted friction during sex, making it a more comfortable experience. Nearly every sexually active person could benefit from having a dependable lube (or two or three) on hand. It’s even more handy for vulva-owners who can’t produce as much wetness as they’d like whether that’s due to aging, birth control, medication, or something else.

These days, there are a variety of lubes with different functions, from the classic friction-fighters to tingles, warming sensations, and more! No lube is one size fits all, and depending on what you plan to use it for, you’ll have to select accordingly. Some of the factors to consider are whether you’ll use it solo or with a partner, if the sex will be penetrative, whether you want to use it with sex toys (and if so, what material those sex toys are comprised of). This article serves as a guide to help you figure out which lube is right for you!    

Water-based

Water-based lube is the most common type of lubricant. The benefits of using water-based lube are affordability and accessibility, easy clean up from skin and fabric, and they’re safe to use with condoms and every sex toy material. In terms of drawbacks, water-based lubes are absorbed into the skin quicker than their counterparts, leaving some sticky residue (which can be a drawback for those with sensory issues) and therefore you might have to reapply more frequently. Additionally, be on the lookout for water-based lubes that have a low osmolality, which means they have a higher degree of the product and few to no chemical ingredients because lubes with high osmolality are more likely to cause irritation.

Recommended water-based lubes:

• LOLA Personal Lubricant, $15 

• Good Clean Love Liquid Personal Lube, $11

• Sliquid H2O, $10     

Oil-based

Oil-based lube is a very slippery, long-lasting option that even doubles as a massage oil! The extremely important-to-note caveat is that it cannot be used with condoms because it will degrade them. Another drawback is that they often will stain fabric.

Recommended oil-based lubes:

• Coconut Oil-Based Lubricant, $25

• AH! YES Organic Lubricant, $22    

Silicone-based

The longest lasting of the lubricants, silicone-based lubes are beloved for their endurance. They’re also the most popular lube for anal sex due to their durability. Plus, they even hold up under water, if shower sex is your jam. Like water-based lubes, silicone is safe to use with latex condoms. The drawbacks are that silicone lube is harder to remove from skin and fabric, it tends to be more expensive, and it can’t be used with any silicone-based sex toys because they will degrade.

Recommended silicone-based lubes:

• Wet Platinum Premium Pure Silicone Personal Lube, $10

• Sliquid Silver, $30

• pjur BACK DOOR Silicone-based, $39

Hybrid lubricants

Hybrids are a mix of silicone and water lube to make it last longer. It won’t affect silicone toys in the way pure silicone lube will, and it offers easier cleanup than silicone too.

Recommended hybrid lubes:

• Wicked Hybrid, $29

• Good Clean Love Hybrid (contains glycerin), $12 

Sensory lubricants

Sensory lubricants are lubes that are formulated to make you feel a sensation like warming or tingling. They’re a fun way to spice up your sex routine and try something new. Sometimes the ingredients needed to make the sensation can be irritants though (see ingredients to steer clear of below) so it’s important to be on the lookout for that.

Recommended sensory lubes:

• Sliquid Organics Sensation-Amplifying Lube, $12

• Dame Arousal Serum (might need to be paired with a lubricant to add slipperiness), $30

• Sliquid Sizzle Warming Lube, $28

• Ultra Chill Cooling Silicone Lube by Wicked Sensual Care, $24     

Lube ingredients to avoid

For every healthy lube on the market, there’s an equal number of cheaply made, irritant-filled lubes too. When you’re searching for your perfect lube, keep an eye on the ingredients list and try to avoid the following. If you’re curious about why you should avoid each, check out this Self article and this extremely comprehensive Phallophile Reviews guide.

• Glycerin

• Nonoxynol-9

• Petroleum

• Propylene glycol

• Parabens (usually methylparaben)

• Chlorhexidine gluconate

• Diazolidinyl urea

• Polyquarternium-15

On the topic of lubes to avoid, though you might be tempted to use household products like baby oil, olive oil, or Vaseline - steer clear! Products that are not meant to be used in sensitive areas are comedogenic, can cause skin irritation and/or infection, and can alter vaginal pH. In a pinch you can try using something like coconut oil but that shouldn’t be your first choice and it does pose the aforementioned risks.

Since lube touches the most sensitive areas of your body, it’s important to find a compatible, safe option for your life and anatomy. It may take some trial and error to figure out your favorite but it’s worth it! A good lube can make all the difference and improve the pleasurability of solo or partnered sex.    

Ethical Porn: What Is It and How Do I Find It?

Porn is a great tool to enhance your sex life, but it’s also an ethical landmine. There is nothing inherently unethical about porn in a conceptual sense but unfortunately, in practice, the unregulated porn production industry is rife with exploitation and abuse. There’s sexual assault, racism, pedophilia, and unsafe working conditions, just to name a few. In light of this, there are some porn companies and individuals working to improve industry standards and produce porn ethically.

So what makes porn “ethical” or not? Ethical porn involves informed consent, performers treated with respect, safe working conditions, and fair compensation for those involved. These higher standards mean that ethical porn is rarely free, in order for the performers and crew to get sufficient pay. It’s important to remember that accessing porn is a luxury and privilege, not a right, and it shouldn’t be accessed at the cost of human exploitation.

In addition to production standards, ethical porn also often shows real sexual pleasure as opposed to it being over exaggerated, as well as portrays performers with diverse body sizes, races, sexualities, ages, and abilities. It’s important to acknowledge that because ethics are subjective, different people have different perspectives on what makes porn ethical. For example, some people might argue that fantasy content about dehumanizing storylines (e.g. hostile sexism), regardless of whether or not it was consensual, is unethical. The definition of ethical porn provided above covers the bare minimum requirements for ethical porn but beyond that, the definition is a gray area.

When looking for ethical porn, do research on the porn production company’s philosophy and standards. For example, some companies will include the consent process prior to filming so you can hear from the performers directly.

This might seem like a lot of work, particularly compared to simply typing in a keyword on PornHub and finding a video. And in a sense, it is easier, but it’s not better. Supporting ethical porn, especially when you pay for it, means you’re supporting sex worker rights and fair working conditions. Fortunately, we have recommendations and additional databases for accessing ethical porn for you! Here are a few of our favorite companies, excerpted from this Embrace Sexual Wellness resource page.

• Aorta Films 

• Bellesa

• Dipsea Stories

• Erika Lust Cinema

• Make Love Not Porn

• Pink Label TV

• X Confessions

And if you’re still seeking more suggestions, here are a few resources:

• Feminist Porn Awards

• List of LGBTQ+ Independent Porn Performers by WhatsMyBodyDoing

• Recommendations From QueerSexTherapy

It’s okay if you weren’t aware of the difference between ethical and unethical porn prior to reading this, and now that you’re equipped with this information you can support better porn and porn performers. Responsible porn consumption is an important part of a healthy sex life and hopefully these tips and suggestions will allow you to integrate it into yours. 

Why Does It Hurt Down There? Here's How to Address Pelvic Pain

The pelvic floor muscles refers to the hammock-like musculature that supports your pelvic organs and therefore they are an essential part of executing bodily functions like ridding of stool and pee, and having sex. Like anything else in your body, they can weaken throughout the normal aging process leading to concerns like incontinence, or general pain and discomfort.

Differences between people assigned female versus male at birth

Everyone has a pelvic floor regardless of their gender or reproductive anatomy. Pelvic floor health has different implications depending on the type of anatomy it’s supporting. For people assigned female at birth (AFAB), the pelvic floor muscles support the uterus, bladder, and bowel, and the anus, vagina, and urethra all pass through this group of muscles. The pelvic floor is strongly involved in pregnancy and this is a common cause of pelvic floor dysfunction. For people assigned male at birth (AMAB), the pelvic floor muscles support the bladder and bowel, and the anus and urethra pass through them. Unfortunately, there is next to no research or information about transgender and intersex people and their pelvic floor health.

Common Pelvic Floor Concerns

Having pelvic muscles that are too weak or too tight can cause concern; the idea is to find a balance. Pelvic floor concerns might be the cause of additional problems but it can also be a symptom of conditions like endometriosis, pelvic inflammatory disease, and menstrual cycle cramping.

If untreated, pelvic floor imbalances can cause:

• Sexual dysfunction

  • Sexual dysfunction conditions relating to pelvic floor health include dyspareunia (AFAB people) and erectile dysfunction (AMAB people).  

• Pelvic pain

  • Pelvic floor dysfunction (PFD) is “the inability to correctly relax and coordinate your pelvic floor muscles to have a bowel movement.” It’s more commonly experienced by people assigned female at birth. Symptoms associated with it in addition to pain (usually exacerbated by sexual intercourse or certain movements) are incontinence, bloating and constipation, and lower back pain. 

• Bladder concerns

• If your pelvic muscles are too weak, you may struggle with a frequent urge to pee or an inability to hold in pee. This is often an aftereffect of pregnancy and giving birth. 

• Bowel problems

• Similar to bladder concerns, weak pelvic muscles sometimes struggle to hold in gas or poop, leading to bowel incontinence. On the other end, you might also experience constipation and straining pain when trying to poop. 

Options for Addressing Pelvic Floor Concerns

• Medication

  • Medication options will differ depending on the root cause of pelvic floor concerns. Hormonal based therapies like GnRH, Progestin, and oral contraceptives may be used to treat pelvic floor concerns associated with reproductive conditions such as endometriosis. For pain, over the counter medications like Tylenol can be used. If an infection is the source of pain, you may be prescribed antibiotics. Before starting any medication, discuss with your doctor to make sure it’s the right route for you and that it won’t cause adverse effects.   

• Relaxation techniques

• If your pelvic floor is too tense, you might want to try relaxation techniques such as diaphragmatic breathing and pelvic girdle stretches. 

• Physical therapy

• If your effort with pelvic floor exercises at home don’t work for you or if you’re just seeking professional guidance, physical therapy is a good option. 

• Pelvic floor exercises

• Kegels are the most well known pelvic floor exercise and they’re a great way to strengthen those muscles. Click through on the link above to get more details on how to properly do pelvic floor exercises.

Pelvic floor health is a buzzy topic on social media these days, especially on TikTok. We would caution you against taking any of that advice prior to speaking with a qualified health professional who knows you personally. If your pelvic floor concerns are causing mental distress, consider seeing a sex therapist. For those located in Illinois, reach out to Embrace Sexual Wellness to see if we’re a good fit for you.