4 Ways We Blame Ourselves for Our Sexuality

The topic of sexuality is complex and shrouded in shame, fueled by a complete lack of comprehensive sex education in the United States. This leaves many of us struggling to understand our own sexuality independently which can be messy and frustrating. Furthermore, experiencing sexual shame on an independent level means it’s difficult to internalize that you aren’t the only one struggling with a certain issue. The first step to unlearning this shame is by acknowledging that it exists and then you can begin to unpack it. Let’s address some common sources of sexual shame together.

Not being able to achieve orgasm in a specific way or at all

This is more commonly spoken about as an issue that women struggle with (an estimated 10-15% of women experience orgasmic dysfunction) but anyone can experience difficulty attaining orgasm. There are many potential roots of the problem including, but not limited to sexual trauma, age, hormones, mental and chronic illness, and certain medications. Whether or not there is a clear root of the problem, there is nothing wrong with you for experiencing difficulty attaining orgasm. Societal expectations and misinformation is the source of the shame, your body is not inherently shameful and you did not do anything “wrong” to “deserve” this. Most important to remember, you do not need to be able to orgasm in order to enjoy sex and masturbation.

Not being interested in intercourse, but interested in other sexual/sensual activities

Heteronormative expectations of sex center around penetrative sex; it is posited as the goal of sex. Unfortunately, this is exclusionary to many people like queer people, people who experience sexual dysfunction, or just anyone who does not derive pleasure from penetrative sex. Aside from being exclusionary, it’s limiting for everyone who has internalized that expectation. Once we are able to unlearn heteronormative expectations of sex (easier said than done!), so many doors open in terms of sexual possibility. Intercourse is just one of many ways to enjoy sex and it is not the sole “right” way to have sex.

Having responsive desire rather than spontaneous desire

Generally speaking there are two main types of how people experience a desire to have sex. Responsive desire means someone often needs to experience physical arousal before experiencing mental desire while spontaneous desire means someone often feels mental desire before physical arousal. Mainstream media and societal expectations posit spontaneous desire as the “norm,” leaving those with responsive desire to feel like something is wrong with them. Neither is superior, they are simply different. If you are struggling with your desire type being compatible with your partner(s), check out this Embrace Sexual Wellness blog post on desire discrepancy.

Experiencing sexual dysfunction or pain

Similarly to orgasmic dysfunction, it’s hard not to feel “broken” for experiencing sexual dysfunction or pain, especially if it prohibits you from having the kind of sex you want to have. It makes sense to grieve the fact that your body cannot do something that you wish that it could. At the same time, it’s integral to remember that you still deserve to have enjoyable sex and that it is still possible, even if that means it won’t look the way you expected.

The source of the shame related to the reasons above is because of the limiting societal expectations and beliefs about sex. The problem does not lie in the individual, but in the inaccurate and exclusionary ways we learn and talk about sex. You are not alone in your challenges. If you find yourself struggling to address your sexual shame alone, consider reaching out to Embrace Sexual Wellness and one of our sexuality professionals will happily help guide you through it.

3 Ways Chronic Illness Affects Sexual Wellness (and How to Address It)

Chronic illnesses like cancer and immune diseases can interfere with sexual wellness and might diminish one’s capacity to enjoy sex. Various factors play into this with more obvious ones like chronic pain in addition to the not-so-obvious ones like the emotional strain of chronic illness and lack of body confidence. Being chronically ill doesn’t have to be a sex life death sentence though. 

Managing a sex life while chronically ill is not an easy task, but progress in the medical field, especially sexology and sex therapy, means that there are more resources than ever to help you along your journey of sexual discovery. Instead of aiming advice at specific illnesses, this article will instead be structured around addressing the symptoms that get in the way of a fulfilling sex life.

Pain Flare Ups

Pain is the most obvious sex deterrent associated with chronic illness. Regardless of where it is, pain is distracting and draining, neither of which is ideal for enjoying intimacy. Aside from general pain management like medication and physical therapy, some ways to adapt your sex life are to use supportive pillows, choose comfortable sex positions, and experiment with assistive devices.

Body Confidence Issues

Depending on the chronic illness, you may struggle with body image issues in addition to the symptoms directly associated with the condition. Poor body image often feeds into a low sex drive and causes distress on both counts. This Embrace Sexual Wellness blog post talks about feeling at home in your body as a queer person, but the general principles are a solid place to start when addressing body confidence issues. If you’re feeling alone in this struggle, check out this article with stories from people who have struggled with body confidence due to chronic illness.

Communication and the Importance of Utilizing Resources

Perhaps the single most part of making this equation work is having an understanding partner who you can communicate comfortably with. This is important for anyone but especially when you may have to navigate specific health-related needs, it is imperative that you do that with someone who feels safe.

Another thing to keep in mind is that you don’t have to be alone on this journey. Professionals like the sex therapists at Embrace Sexual Wellness are amazing resources for navigating the complicated relationship between illness and sexual wellness. 

All of this information might be overwhelming and that’s okay. The only timeline you need to stick to is the one that serves you best. There is no rush to figure anything out and if you are feeling pressured by others to figure it out faster, you may want to reevaluate those relationships. Chronic illness comes with a multitude of unique challenges but luckily you don’t have to navigate them alone. Not sure where to start? We’d be happy to help you get started! You can contact Embrace Sexual Wellness here.   

Benefits of Mutual Masturbation

Masturbation and partnered sex each have their own distinct appeals, but did you know that you can combine the two and mutually masturbate with your partner(s)? Mutual masturbation is the practice of two (or more) people masturbating simultaneously in each others’ presence, either over video call or in the same room.

Some benefits to mutual masturbation are learning more about how your partner(s) like to be touched, being able to simultaneously orgasm, and it’s nearly impossible to get pregnant or catch an STI. If you want to try it out, here are some ideas for good positions when you’re together in person. You can also integrate sex toys to take it to the next level, whether you’re in the same place or not. Another fun way to structure your mutual masturbation is by watching porn together; this has the added bonus of sharing sexual interests by sharing your favorite porn.     

Mutual masturbation can be a fun way to vary your sex and masturbation habits but that it also comes with challenges. The major challenge that many people face when trying mutual masturbation is performance anxiety. Since masturbation is a vulnerable act that is most often practiced solo, it can take some adjusting in order to enjoy it in the presence of another person. 

Performance anxiety can occur in any kind of sex, but mutual masturbation is particularly intimidating for many people. Even beyond the societally ingrained shame surrounding enjoying sexual acts, being able to truly lean into and take pleasure from masturbating in front of others requires becoming comfortable with the intense vulnerability it implies. First of all, it’s a good idea to sit down with your partner(s) and layout everyone’s concerns and insecurities on the table. Just the act of sharing these vulnerable thoughts can help make you more comfortable with the idea. In terms of tangible steps for combatting performance anxiety, one way is to have your partner and/or yourself wear a blindfold or turning off the lights. Another important way to take some of the pressure off is to not expect an orgasm; it’s much more fruitful to focus on the pleasurable sensations and being in the moment and if an orgasm happens, it’s a happy bonus! If you struggle to stay in the moment, check out Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are to learn about sexual mindfulness. For a rundown of mindfulness exercises as a general concept outside of sex, check out this article. 

Ultimately, mutual masturbation is another version of sexual collaboration with your partner(s) and it has the potential to bring you closer, learn more about each others’ sexual likes and interests, and, over time, diminish sexual performance anxiety. As with any kind of sex, there is no right or wrong way to mutually masturbate as long as everyone is consenting and having a good time.