How to Support Your Child When They Come Out

Parents want the best for their children. Parents also do not always have the right answer. That’s okay! That’s where we come in. If you aren’t sure what to do if or when your child comes out to you, this article is a good starting point. The most important thing you can do is validate your child’s experience and make sure they know you love them no matter how they identify. 

WHAT TO DO

• Thank them for trusting you with this vulnerable information (e.g., their feelings, disclosure, identity, etc.) 

• Listen to understand, not to respond 

• Ask how you can best support them. They may not know immediately, but it’s important that they know you want to support them and are open for feedback

• Read up more about the identity they have shared with you. Organizations like Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) are a great resource

• Make sure they know that you love them and that your love is not conditional

• Ask for help! If you leave a coming out conversation with your child feeling like your head is spinning, try to find a support resource that will work for you. Maybe that looks like attending a PFLAG meeting, reaching out to a sexuality educator or family therapist who specializes in working with LGTBQ+ individuals, or cruising vetted online forums. There are tons of resources for people just like you; you’re not alone! *There is a contingency with whom you can ask for help. See below for elaboration.  

WHAT NOT TO DO: 

• Avoid saying,“I knew it!” or any variation thereof, even if you did have a hunch. This is a vulnerable moment for your child and they probably had to work up immense courage to tell you. If you say you already knew, it deflates the emotional labor they put in to be able to tell you. 

• Do not say, “you’re too young to know!”. First of all, youth do know what their truth is right now and they have just told it to you. It does no one any good for you to try to dispute their feelings because feelings can’t be wrong. Children generally know their gender identity by age 5 and sexual orientation in later childhood/early teen hood. Please note, however, that these are not hard and fast “deadlines,” but touch-points-of-guidance. Maybe down the line they’ll identify differently and that’s normal, because sexuality is fluid. Either way, all you accomplish by saying this is invalidating them and making them lose trust in you. 

• If you have some internalized shame or beliefs that’s fine, almost everyone does. It’s how we’ve been societally conditioned. That being said, it is your issue to work through, not your child’s. Do not put those feelings on them. Avoid burdening your child with your own discomfort around non-straight orientations or non-cisgender gender identities. 

• Never pressure them to share more or to tell you anything they aren’t comfortable talking about. Let them come to you when they’re ready.

  *Definitely avoid telling anyone else before your child discloses to them or gives you explicit permission. Anyone else can include your partner(s), sibling(s), best friend,... it means no one. This is your child’s information to share and theirs alone. 

When a child is coming out to you, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed or unsure exactly what to say. It makes sense if you want to do the best for your child and feel insecure at the same time. Don’t make this out to be more than it is; that will only make you and your child uncomfortable and/or more anxious. At the end of the day, let them do the talking, respond with love and validation, and the rest will follow. The only thing left to do is for you to stock up on rainbow clothing!

Stress Cycles: What they Are and How to Break Them

Do you feel as if you are in a constant state of stress? Well, you may be. Stressors can be found all around us, especially now. Did you know that many people who experience stress do not complete their stress cycles? According to Psych Central, stress isn’t a one-time event with a single cause and reaction; it is a cycle with many phases. We complete a stress cycle when our bodies learn that we are safe after facing danger.

Drs. Emily & Amelia Nagoski emphasize the importance of completing the stress cycle in their book, Burnout: The Secret to Solving the Stress Cycle. According to Burnout, when we do not confront our stress, we continue the stress cycle and our bodies are in constant activation with increased blood pressure, increased chance of heart disease, and issues with digestion. Thus, completing the stress cycle is imperative for our health. 

According to an article on Psych Central, there are five main stages of the stress cycle. These stages are, in order, the external stressor, internal appraisal, physiological response, internalization, and coping. 

Stage One: The external stressor, or simply, the triggering event, is the only aspect of stress that your mind and body do not play a direct role in. 

Stage Two: Internal appraisal happens just before, during, or after the actual trigger occurs. At this stage, your senses are taking in information that something has gone awry, sending a signal to your amygdala (the part of your brain that is responsible for processing emotions such as fear and rage). Once the amygdala is activated, a signal is sent to the hypothalamus and the pituitary gland, which are responsible for maintaining homeostasis (balance in the body).

Stage Three: Physiological responses occur once the amygdala is activated. Once the hypothalamus and the pituitary glands are signaled by the amygdala, the sympathetic nervous system becomes activated, thus launching your body into the fight or flight response. This response stimulates the cardiovascular system while accelerating your heart rate. At the same time, your parasympathetic nervous system is suppressed, causing your immune and digestive systems to shut down.

Stage Four: Internalization is when you begin to become aware of the stress. In this stage, you could experience physical reactions such as increased heart rate, upset stomach, or body aches which become more noticeable than in stage four. These physical reactions may cause you to worry about how well you are handling the stress, thus causing you to feel worry, anxiety, and dread. 

Stage Five: The final stage of the cycle is coping, a.k.a., doing something that alleviates the discomfort. While some coping mechanisms decrease stress, others can increase it. This is called maladaptive coping. When people engage in maladaptive coping, their strategies may work in the short-term but not in the long term. Some of these mechanisms include consuming psychoactive drugs, alcohol, constantly checking your phone, mindless media, and throwing yourself into work. These coping mechanisms actually further activate the physiological stress responses in your body, causing you to stay in a hyper-aroused state, thus leading to more stress. 

In an interview on Brene Brown’s podcast, Unlocking Us, the Nagoski sisters spoke about the burnout phenomenon in relation to stress cycles. They emphasize how emotions and stress can impact your entire nervous system. In order to create balance in your nervous system, you have to complete the stress cycle. Emily Nagoski debunks the idea that if we fix the issue that caused the stress, we have dealt with the stress itself. In reality, when we do this, we stay in a chronically elevated state of stress. 

In order to complete the stress cycle, we must reduce the stress we are experiencing. There is no one surefire way to reduce stress, but the Nagoski sisters do offer some helpful suggestions. Moving, breathing, laughing, speaking with your loved ones, crying, or doing something creative can have a profound impact on reducing stress.

Let’s Break These Down

Moving can include any physical activity such as running, yoga, stretching, walking, or biking. According to the Nagoski sisters, any activity that moves the body is helpful.

Breathing regulates your nervous system by increasing the amount of oxygen in your bloodstream. In fact, a study published in the Breathe, a journal published by the European Respiratory society, there appears to be potential for controlled slow breathing methods to optimize physiological health. The Nagoskis recommend taking a slow breath in and a slow, long breath out when you are feeling stressed. This is called paced breathing, and apps such as Insight Timer, Calm, and Headspace can help you practice this method. Breathing will engage the parasympathetic nervous system, therefore regulating the central nervous system. You may notice that you are unable to stay focused on one thought when you are breathing in this way, and that is normal. In fact, that’s the point. If your thoughts are more steady, that is okay too.

Any positive social interaction can help reduce stress. When you have a positive social interaction, your body feels as if it is at home. This interaction could be super brief such as saying hello to a cashier, or complimenting a neighbor or passerby, or talking to your best friend.

According to Nagoski and Nagoski (2019), laughter will help alleviate stress, but only if it is authentic. In their podcast interview, Dr. Amelia Nagoski shared, “it has to be the slightly embarrassing, mouth hanging open, belly jiggling, uncontrolled, ridiculous laughter that really takes over your body, you can’t stop laughing. That laughter will take you all the way through the end of a stress cycle.”

The next suggestion is to engage in affection. This can include speaking to a loved one or hugging (safely). According to an article in the Harvard Health newsletter, hugging for 20 seconds can increase your oxytocin levels. Higher oxytocin levels have been correlated with lower blood pressure and heart rates. Therefore, there is a possible link between hugging and lower blood pressure.

Crying will not solve the problem, but it can help allow physical tension to leave your body.

Creative expression can mean whatever you want it to mean, including painting, knitting, sketching, writing, singing, baking, or anything else that is an act of creation.

While none of these stress-reduction methods are the end-all-be-all, they can help you to complete the stress cycle. The most important thing is that you make it through the stress cycle, to protect your physical and mental health.

Becoming A We: 4 Ways To Shift Your Thinking To Thrive In Your Relationship

One of the challenges adults experience early on in an intimate partnership is establishing the ‘we’ in their relationship. When two single individuals have spent a great deal of time living and working independently, otherwise operating as a ‘me’, the path to discovering the ‘we’ can feel complicated. Even mundane decisions like household cleaning or figuring out whose family to visit for holidays require compromise. Especially if you’re someone who identifies as self-reliant or self-sufficient, it can sometimes feel like a major shift to depend on someone in an intimate way. Whether it be grieving a loss or sharing your fears, we know that the degree to which partners are able to be vulnerable with one another and hold a space for one another significantly influences the depth of intimacy they feel in their relationship. Keep these tips in mind as you reflect on developing the ‘we’ in your own relationship.

Opening up is hard to do…but so worth it.

What opportunities do you have to let your partner in? Take the chance to let your partner care for you when you aren’t feeling your best either physically or emotionally. Yes, you could probably take care of yourself (that’s the ‘me’ talking) and self care is important. However, letting your partner in by allowing them to care for you will help you deepen the intimacy you already have.

Discuss your visions for your future.

How do you envision your life moving forward with your significant other? What goals do you have as a couple? Developing shared dreams together can be a really intimate experience and is also a way for you each to stay connected to your passions.

Strive for balance.

When it comes to a daily-routine and your social life, which activities will you stay involved independently and in which ones will you include your partner? Maintaining friendships and hobbies that are important to you outside of your relationship is healthy, as is making time to spend together and grow as a couple. Exploring your expectations for how each of you want to spend your free time is one of the best ways to stay on target.

Create positive vibes at home.

Merging homes within a relationship can be a big step for many couples. Each of you likely have preferences about the way in which you keep your home, so creating space for each of your needs and hearing new ideas is an important process. When thinking about your home, consider, what do each of you need to feel relaxed and at peace?

Becoming a ‘we’ is an adjustment, especially if you’ve been a ‘me’ for quite some time. It’s also something that more than likely no one has ever taught you how to do before. Be patient with yourself and remember, therapy is always an option if you find yourself feeling stuck.