6 Tips for If You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page About Kids

Compromise is typically a good way to navigate relationship disagreements, but what about when it comes to kids? There’s no way to have half a child or only parent them for half of their life. Being responsible for a human life is a huge decision and navigating disagreement around it is understandably stressful. Hopefully this guide will help you navigate it as effectively as possible. 

• Remember that kids aren’t the answer to your relationship problems

  • Think and talk about the relationship itself. Is it strong and allowing you to grow as a person? Do you feel like your best self in the relationship? If you’re looking to have kids in the hopes it will bring you and your partner together, definitely step back and reconsider both because it will more than likely cause more strain on the relationship.

• Ask yourself the hard questions and then ask each other

  • What are you hoping kids will bring to your life that you don’t experience now? 

  • What are you afraid of if you do have kids? 

  • What happened in your parents’ or caregivers’ marriages after having kids? 

  • Will you feel unfulfilled if you don’t have kids?

  • Will you resent your partner if you do have kids and end up with a responsibility you may not want? 

  • What hesitations do you have about having kids and are there ways to compromise to work around them? 

• Remember that this is you and your partner versus the problem at hand, not you versus your partner

• Avoid ultimatums

  • Ultimatums are no good for anyone. Threats are not the way to make a life changing decision and will only breed resentment. 

• See a professional

  • Some problems are simply too big to tackle yourself and there’s no reason to white knuckle through it. Talking to a therapist like the ones at Embrace Sexual Wellness is a great start to navigating this disagreement. 

• Don’t go in with an agenda; go in with an open mind and open ears

  • If you try to get combative right from the start, it will only create more tension. 

• Recognize when it’s healthier to split ways

  • Breakups usually aren’t easy, especially when they’re not due to a lack of love. Sometimes, you might just be fundamentally incompatible and staying in a relationship like that won’t allow you to get your needs met

  • Sacrificing your happiness is a lose-lose situation. Everyone involved deserves to find happiness and to have their needs met

Resources:

• 8 Tough Truths to Consider When Your Partner Doesn't Want Kids 

• 8 things to do if you and your partner disagree about having kids

• Dear Therapist: My Husband Doesn’t Want Another Kid, so I’m Considering Divorce 

• Ask Polly: My Boyfriend Doesn't Want Kids, But I Think I Do!  

• You Want Kids. Your Partner Doesn't. Can Therapy Help?

Halloween costumes aren’t gender-specific

Spiderman or ballerina? Knight or princess? Ken or Barbie?... All of the above? 

Halloween costumes overwhelmingly adhere to the gender binary. From childhood, this expectation is ingrained in our minds and places inherent limitations on self-expression. Though much progress has been made over the past fifty years in terms of shifting views on gender roles and expectations, the binary still dictates how Western society functions. This carries over to the smallest of things, like Halloween costumes. Even though this may seem insignificant, Adie Nelson explains in their article “The Pink Dragon is Female: Halloween Costumes and Gender Markers” that “...the non-inclusive language commonly found in the names of many children’s Halloween costumes reverberates throughout many other dimensions of the gendered social life depicted in this fantastical world. For example, the importance of participation in the paid-work world and financial success for men and of physical attractiveness and marriage for women is reinforced through costume names that reference masculine costumes by occupational roles or titles but describe feminine costumes via appearance and/or relationships (e.g. “Policeman” vs. “Beautiful Bride”)” (Nelson 2000). 

The issue with enforcing expected gender roles by insisting on a “gender aligned” Halloween costume for your child is that it imposes arbitrary, unproductive stereotypes on them before they’ve even gotten the chance to think beyond them. It disallows a child’s natural inclination to explore themselves and their relationship to the world. It’s important to make children feel that whoever they are and whatever they like, you will celebrate their identity. The idea is not to get rid of the idea of gender entirely but to take steps to ensure that the gender binary doesn’t limit your child. Allow your child the space to decide if they want to wear a costume that does not align with their gender identity, or one that is gender neutral. Keep in mind, “Gender neutral” doesn’t necessarily mean unisex, either. If that’s what your child wants, then great! But taking a gender neutral approach to Halloween costumes means allowing your child to wear whatever they’d like regardless of the gendered association with it. Letting your child choose a Halloween costume regardless of binary perceptions and associations is a great first step towards this.  

It's important to acknowledge that though the gender binary is impractical and inaccurate, the reality is that it is still very much enmeshed in the fabric of Western society. With that being said, it’s not unthinkable that a child defying gender expectations would receive backlash from peers. All children in our society are exposed to the idea that gender roles are rigid. However, there's no need to make your child conform to protect them from that backlash. More often then not, when presented with new information, children are able to adapt. Instead, empower your child to stand up to peers and share their knowledge of gender beyond the binary. If you still experience concern, advocate for your child. Speak to their teachers and parents of their friends. Instead of making your child conform, work on making their environment safer for them to explore their gender identity."

At the end of the day, Halloween should be a fun, celebratory occasion. If your child doesn’t get to feel like themself, they might not be able to enjoy it as much. If you’re in need of some inspiration, some very cute anecdotal examples of gender defying Halloween costumes can be found here. 

Resources for gender-conscious parenting:

5 Tips for Preventing and Reducing Gender Bias — Making Caring Common

You Don't Have To Swear Off Pink And Blue To Raise A Kid Without Gender Norms 

The Corporate Masquerade: Branding Masculinity through Halloween Costumes

Halloween Costumes and Gender Markers   

How Halloween costumes can promote gender bias

Intimacy After Childbirth

Giving birth is one of the most incredible acts a human body can perform, as well as one of the most strenuous. After a hormonal, physically traumatic experience, it’s not uncommon for birth givers to not want intimacy afterwards. On top of the physical effects to the body and the emotional drain of birth, intimacy can be a difficult activity to prioritize with a newborn to tend to which sometimes involves breastfeeding, which is additionally physically draining. 

Generally, it takes six weeks from birth to be fully healed in and around the vulva and vagina, though this timeline varies from person to person. Engaging in penetrative intimate acts is generally not advisable before fully healing. That being said, each individual should prioritize the advice from their healthcare professional. It’s important to note that if and when everyone involved in the relationship does feel ready for penetrative sex, contraception is still vital as pregnancy is a risk regardless of whether or not the birthgiver is breastfeeding and whether or not their period has resumed. 

All partners involved should focus on practicing patience and flexibility with the postpartum intimacy timeline because you may feel ready at different paces. It’s likely that you’ll gradually progress, rather than going from feeling unready for any intimacy to ready for all types of intimacy in an instant. The progression might not even be linear, and it’s important to maintain an open line of communication as needs and boundaries shift. 

Both physical and emotional changes will factor into your timeline and individual boundaries and needs. Some physical changes after birth for the birth giver that may occur are aches and pains, vaginal dryness, and hormonal imbalances. All partners may experience exhaustion, feeling “touched out” from handling the newborn all day, and general emotional overwhelmedness. The changing dynamic that results from a child, whether they’re the first child or not, can be frustrating and difficult to navigate, resulting in feeling emotionally drained. For the birth giver, body image may additionally be difficult to navigate postpartum and intimacy may feel too exposing. Furthermore, for birth givers that choose to breastfeed, nursing releases oxytocin which increases bonding with the child but suppresses libido. Though physical intimacy may feel difficult in the midst of all these changes, it’s an important part of feeling connected to your partner(s).

As you navigate postpartum intimacy, you may want to keep the following tips in mind...

• Intimacy can look many ways and doesn’t necessarily need to have a sexual connotation. Cuddling, giving each other massages, and even emotional conversations can foster a feeling of intimacy. 

• It’s possible that intimacy won’t feel as good or desirable immediately after birth as it did before birth but that doesn’t mean it will stay that way forever.

• If physical intimacy doesn’t feel feasible, simply making time for one another and small caring gestures can make all the difference in maintaining an intimate emotional connection. 

• Physical intimacy and sex should happen on your terms, not how you feel you “should” practice it. Length and timing of intimacy, type of intimacy, or any other factor should function to make you feel connected and comfortable. 

  • For instance, though typically sensual time has a nighttime connotation, this doesn’t have to be the case. Especially for exhausted parents, bedtime may not foster a desire for intimacy. Shifting to earlier timing might be a good option when your schedules allow. 

  • Another example is length of intimacy; intimacy and sex don’t need to be long, drawn out sessions if that doesn’t sound good. Quickies are your friend! 

• Remember that while changes in a relationship dynamic, changes in libido, hormonal changes, and low energy are frustrating parts of navigating postpartum life, they are all completely normal. They, too, shall pass. 

Everyone’s postpartum intimacy journey is a deeply personal experience but some useful external resources that may help guide you are… 

• Sexual health and intimacy after childbirth

• First-time parents' experiences of proximity and intimacy after childbirth - A qualitative study

• Sex After Birth: What to Expect and How Long to Wait

• Sexual Intimacy After Childbirth: When It Isn't Like Before

Above all, give yourself and your partner(s) as much grace as possible and try to practice patience. Encountering challenges is part of the journey and eventually, everything will find its place in your life.