Consent

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Consent Violations and How to Handle Them 

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Content warning: This article will discuss consent violation and sexual assault. No graphic descriptions will be included, but it may nonetheless be upsetting or triggering to some readers. There are resources available at the end of the article for finding sexual assault survivor support. 

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month so we’ll be covering different types of consent violations and how to handle them. Consent can be a tricky, nebulous topic and ultimately, there will be no “one size fits all” guide to handling consent violations because each circumstance is different. That being said, there are certainly general guidelines that are widely applicable, which is what this article will cover. 

Consent is a mutual agreement between involved parties to engage in a specified activity; for the purposes of this article, consent refers to sexual consent, but consent is relevant in all aspects of interpersonal interactions. Consent must be freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific. A coerced “yes” does not count as consent and consent for one activity does not imply consent for other activities. Furthermore, consent is only valid when the involved parties are on the same page about what they are consenting to. There are endless ways to ascertain consent and while it may feel awkward at first, dealing with a little bit of awkwardness is far preferable to violating someone’s boundaries.

If you are unsure of how to go about establishing boundaries and consent, please refer to these resources:

Consent violations can result from a variety of circumstances. Some people are unable to give consent, like minors, people with advanced intellectual disabilities, and non-sober people. In other instances, someone can give consent in theory but if consent is not attained in the ways discussed above, it cannot qualify as consent. A prime example of this is stealthing which refers to non-consensual condom removal. Regardless of whether or not the sex acts being performed were consensual, if that consent was given with the understanding that a condom would be used, failure to adhere to that invalidates the consent. When the terms of the consent have been changed without everyone involved being informed, it cannot qualify as consent.

It’s difficult to advise a response to consent violation because every situation is unique. For consent violations that occur within a romantic relationship, you may want to repair it. If it’s accessible to you, it’s a great first step to seek professional help from a relationally trained psychotherapist.

If this is inaccessible, here are some general tips:  

  • First and foremost, take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Do you need to be alone, do you need company, do you need to talk things through? Gauge your immediate needs and address them to whatever extent is accessible to you. 

    • Though independent internal processing is absolutely beneficial, there is a fine line between that and isolating oneself which can stifle the healing process. If you’re uncomfortable speaking to someone you know, consider calling a sexual assault crisis hotline (additional hotlines listed below). 

  • If you are unfamiliar with your own boundaries and comfort levels with various sexual activities, do that work first so you will be able to give your partner(s) guidance to avoid something similar in the future. Should you struggle with this process, Embrace Sexual Wellness has another article about communication and boundaries here. 

  • Scarleteen has an excellent worksheet for navigating your own trauma response which may be useful through this process as well. 

  • It’s nearly impossible to have a relationship without hurting each other at some point. The important part is how you move forward in a way that feels safe and comfortable for everyone involved. 

  • It’s valid if you feel like you cannot repair the relationship after a consent violation. Though it’s easier said than done, prioritizing your needs, even if that means breaking things off, is the only way to ensure your healing process does not become stunted. 

While there are varying definitions of consent violations, the most important consideration is how you feel. Healthy, consensual sex should never leave any participants feeling uncomfortable or violated. If you are a survivor of a consent violation, resources like the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) and Planned Parenthood have thorough guides on how to proceed. If you have been accused of sexual assault, Teen Vogue has a guide for responding appropriately.

Additional Hotlines 

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4 Things to Include In Your At-Home Sex Education

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A majority of schooling is now remote, and many parents and educators have adapted to new methods of teaching. While some may view this as a deterrent to learning, it can also be an opportunity to refine curricula and make education more inclusive. Sex education is a wonderful place to start. 

Only 30 U.S. states require sex education and only 17 of those states require it to be medically accurate. This is not an encouraging number considering that if students do not receive scientifically accurate sex education, they may be inclined to go to the internet to learn, and information on the internet is not always accurate. 

Here are some things to keep in mind when teaching sex education at home:

1. Use Inclusive Language When Referring to Gender Identity and Sexual/Romantic Orientation

It is critical to use language and provide information that is inclusive of all individuals’ gender identities and sexual/romantic orientations when teaching sex ed at home. This means making sure that the content you are teaching shares information that pertains to LGBTQ+ youth. Young people deserve to see their identities represented.

Since only 6 U.S. states require sex education to be LGBTQ+ inclusive and 7 require only negative information to be taught about homosexuality, many students are missing important information that not only validates their identity, but also teaches safer sex that is applicable to their lives. Furthermore, curricula that center the experiences of LGBTQ+ youth is actually encompassing to all youth. Conversations surrounding contraceptive options and barrier methods such as dental dams, as well as internal and external condoms to prevent the transmission of STIs are important for everyone. Introducing terms that reflect sexual diversity normalizes the variety of identities people can hold and helps youth understand what they mean. Promoting allyship and acceptance helps youth understand the variety of ways people experience attraction, both romantically and sexually, encourages them to think about their own gender expression, gender identity, and how that identity may be similar or different from their sex assigned at birth.

By teaching and modeling inclusive language during your at-home sex education, children will understand that including or making fun of peers based on their identities is harmful and stigmatizing. Stigma can lead LGBTQ+ youth to be at risk of a variety of negative health outcomes including higher rates of STIs, unwanted pregnancy, and suicide attempts.

2. Broaden the Conversation From Just Sex

When speaking with children about sexuality, it is also important to speak about healthy relationships and connections with others. A 2018 article published by Harvard University stresses the importance of teaching processes to care for one another in order for students to learn how to both support a partner in a relationship and engage in a healthy relationship. 

The National Sexual Education Standards emphasize these themes as well. The standards define a healthy relationship as, “a relationship between individuals that consists of mutual respect, trust, honesty, support, fairness/equity, separate identities, physical and emotional safety, and good communication.” The theme of healthy relationships is constant in these standards, but  the topics differ by grade, so it can be helpful to look through their guidelines for support.

SIECUS, an organization focusing on sex ed for social change, also emphasizes the importance of including topics of communication and healthy relationships in sex education. 

A good place to begin is the concept of mutuality. Mutuality is the ability to make decisions with a partner and understand and address their concerns or wishes. It is extremely important to teach youth the importance of open communication within both sexual and non-sexual relationships.

For example, let’s say a child is going to the park with their friend. Their friend wants to play on the monkey bars and they want to play soccer on the field. The child can explain why they want to play soccer and their friend can explain why they want to play on the monkey bars. The children can then reach a compromise and say that they will spend 30 minutes doing each activity. By reaching a compromise the child is learning the importance of having conversations and making compromises in relationships. This teaches children fairness and models the ability to adapt.

Talk to your kids about what a healthy relationship looks like. Not all healthy relationships look the same, but some aspects of healthy relationships are adaptability, open communication, trust, and curiosity. Kids look up to adults, so by giving them concrete examples as well as tools, they will likely be able to understand just what a healthy relationship looks like. A good way to teach your children about healthy relationships is by modeling, aka by watching you. Your children will inevitably end up imitating you in some way, so by modeling these healthy behaviors, your children will learn by observing. 

An example of modeling trust in a relationship is honoring your word to take your children to the park. If you say you are going to take your child to the park after school, do it so that they can see the importance of trust in a relationship.

3. Emphasize Pleasure

The majority of sex ed curricula focus on the prevention of STIs, HIV and pregnancy. Sex education can also emphasize the importance of pleasure in sexual interactions.

UNESCO, The United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization, recommends teaching children about pleasure stating that “sexual feelings, fantasies and desires are natural and not shameful.” This is something that is currently not spoken about in a majority of sex ed programs. 

The reality is that many people are having sex for pleasure, so emphasize the importance of pleasure, to create a more open and honest educational environment.

The concept of pleasure does not need to be purely sexual. Let’s go back to the park example. The two children were compromising and learning the skill of mutuality, but they were also making room for each other to do something pleasurable. Teaching children about pleasure can help them in their current daily lives, as well as one day in their sexual relationships. There is a link between both pleasure and happiness and pleasure and motivation, so by learning the value of consent, children can begin to prioritize pleasure in their own lives. 

4. Prioritize Consent

A large gap in sex education curricula is teaching about consent. Only 9 U.S. states require the importance of consent during sexual activities be covered in sex education. Sex without consent is sexual assault, yet consent is not spoken about in a majority of classrooms. 

When teaching sex education at home, remember to prioritize consent. Assault can lead to mental illness such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Consent is a key ingredient in sexual pleasure. To learn more about consent read our latest blog post, “The Importance of Consent During a Pandemic.”

Teaching consent in sex education will not only help children when it comes to sexual respect and safety but will help with their overall respect for others as well. For any situation, it is important to make sure that both parties are consenting to any activity being done. 

A simple way to teach consent is through the behavior of drinking tea with a friend. Here is an example.

You offer your friend a cup of tea...“would you care for a cup of tea?”

If they respond saying, “Of course! Thank you! I would love a cup of tea!” they are consenting to you giving them tea. If they respond with “I am not sure,” you can ask them a follow-up question or assume that “I am not sure” really means “no”.  And if you made the tea and they then decided they didn’t want to drink it, you cannot and should not encourage them to drink it. In this case, your friend is open to the idea of tea but has not yet consented to drinking it. If they reply, “no thank you” then they do not want tea and you should not make it for them. In this case, they are not consenting to drinking tea.

You can also use the idea of Ask, Listen, Respect to teach younger children about consent. 

The National Sexual Education Standards (NSES) also include content focused on consent. The NSES recommend beginning conversations about consent in kindergarten by focusing on the idea of bodily autonomy, which is the right for each person to govern what happens to their body without external influence or coercion. They aim to lay the groundwork for understanding sexual relationships later on, as well as ensuring a safer classroom environment.

Here is a video by Amaze if you want to learn more about consent.

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Looking for some extra support to guide your conversations with your children? Checkout our latest e-course here.

Here are some resources from Planned Parenthood to guide you through the process of teaching sex education. These resources include an online chat feature, digital education tools such as quizzes and games, and videos about consent.

SIECUS has some wonderful resources sorted by age range as well! There are resources for younger children beginning at age 4, resources for young adults, and resources for parents and caregivers. 

Remember that remote learning is new for a lot of people, so it is a-okay if the words you share are not perfect. The key thing is that you are teaching important and engaging topics. You don’t have to strive for perfection, instead strive for smaller moments of learning and growth.

Photo credit: Dainis Graveris on Sexual Alpha

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The Importance of Consent During A Pandemic

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Consent has always been an important topic. However, during the time of coronavirus, practicing consent is more pressing than ever before. We are not only thinking of consent in terms of sexual interactions, but we are also now thinking of consent in terms of touching, hugging, distancing, etc. During this pandemic, we have recognized a greater need to respect others’ boundaries. Now we have to decide if we are okay meeting a friend outdoors for a social distance hangout, giving someone a hug, giving someone an elbow bump, etc. 

What Is Consent?

In its most basic definition, consent means to give one’s approval. More broadly, it means to set boundaries of what you are okay with. When giving consent you are agreeing to an activity or letting another person know you are okay with something happening. If you do not wish to engage in an activity, you are saying no, which is revoking your consent. It’s important to know your boundaries when entering into social interactions so you know what activities you are comfortable consenting to. 

Here are some questions to allow you to understand your boundaries better: 

  • Will you hug your friend, when you meet for coffee?

  • Are you okay if a friend gives you a high five?

  • How about an elbow bump?

These are some examples of consent in a non-sexual context. Many look at consent in a largely sexual context, but the concept of consent applies to all aspects of life. Consent is typically taught through the acronym FRIES, meaning that consent is Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific. This acronym clearly breaks down what consent is and gives a framework for conversations surrounding consent. 

Let’s break down the meaning behind the FRIES acronym. Freely given means consenting is a choice you make without pressure, manipulation, or the influence of drugs and alcohol. Reversible means when you consent to something you are not consenting forever. Anyone can change their mind about what they are comfortable doing at any time. Informed means consent includes details. For example if you say ‘yes’ to having sex while using a condom, you are not consenting to having sex without a condom. Enthusiastic means that it is said enthusiastically and there is no doubt that you want or do not want to engage in an activity. Specific means saying yes to one thing, does not mean you are saying yes to another thing. For example, if you say yes to making out, that does not mean you are saying yes to having oral sex. While for some, it may seem like the natural progression of sexual relations, but that does not mean that everyone feels this way. Even if you think that someone agrees to being sexual with you, asking for consent is still necessary.

Why Is Consent Important During Covid?

Since the beginning of the pandemic  boundaries have likely changed. We are facing new challenges relating to interactions with others and even ourselves. Respecting personal boundaries is always important, but now it is critical. Mutual respect is arguably more important than ever. And productive communication is necessary. 

Some of these boundaries may include not taking off masks in social interactions, not eating at a restaurant, not going inside of a store, etc. Practicing consent means respecting these boundaries and not making someone do something that makes them feel unsafe. Consent is critical to protect you, your friends and family, and your relationships with others.  

Be Honest and Have Open Conversations

Always let those around you know when you are doing something that increases the risk of Covid. For example, if you are out with friends, instead of taking off your mask right away, ask if they are comfortable with you doing so. Ask if your friends are comfortable doing specific activities such as eating at a restaurant or having a picnic in the park, if they aren't, don't do it. It’s that simple. It all comes down to respect.

Don’t just ask if people are comfortable with what you are doing. Be open to input! In these unprecedented times, we are all learning with and from each other. Don’t just agree with your friends, but ask them why they are choosing not to do something.

When you make a commitment to respect those around you you should also assure them that you will only do things that make them feel safe without any judgment or cold feelings. 

Make Sure Boundaries are Clear

Make sure that there is no pressure when asking someone if they are comfortable doing something. Peer pressure has been shown to be highly influential in changing individuals’ attitudes. When a person feels pressured by peers, they may make decisions because they feel they have to rather than because they want to. One way to reduce pressure is to let others know that any choice that they make is valid and you will respect that choice.   

Important Questions to Ask

Your friends are not mind readers and neither are you. That is why it is important to have constructive conversations in order to help your friends understand you better and vice versa. As you ask questions about the other’s boundaries, think about how you would answer them yourself in order to think critically about your own boundaries. 

Here are some questions to consider asking your friends:

  • Are you comfortable with hugs right now?

  • How would you feel if I took off my mask while we walk?

  • Do you feel safe doing _______ (insert activity here)?

  • Which activities are you comfortable with right now? 

  • Which activities are you uncomfortable with right now?

Remember that everyone has different boundaries and that all boundaries are valid. It is important to have these conversations to make sure that everyone is on the same page. Make sure that whoever you are with consents to any activity that you do. Consent is key in any relationship. 

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