Curious About Differences in Desire? Here Are 3 Tips to Address Desire Discrepancy

Desire discrepancy is when the libidos of people in a relationship do not align. The two types of libido are responsive and spontaneous which differ in how your desire for sex is initiated. People with responsive desire experience physical arousal before mental desire, whereas those with spontaneous desire experience mental desire first and then the physical arousal. Mental desire is being turned on in your mind and wanting (either hypothetically or literally) sexual stimulation, while physical arousal manifests in your body such as getting an erection.

This binary of responsive versus spontaneous is helpful for understanding how one’s personal experience of libido compares relative to others; however, that is not to say that this type of libido is fixed or exists strictly in black or white. While many people do tend towards one or the other, libido is flexible and can change with time, age, relationship status, and more. Neither type is better or worse, nor anything that needs to be fixed, but having this information about oneself can be helpful in successfully navigating a healthy sex life.

Though there is nothing inherently wrong with either type, it of course can be frustrating if your desire type doesn’t align with the person/people you’re having sex with. This is what we call desire discrepancy. If this is something you’re struggling with, consider some of these approaches:

Explore non-sexual intimacy

• Physical intimacy can take many, many forms and getting creative is a good way to feel more physically connected with your sexual partner(s). Massages, cuddling, backscratching, and hugging are all great options for non-sexual physical touch.

Consider an open relationship

• If you’re in a monogamous relationship and therefore only have sex with your partner, desire discrepancy can be a major obstacle to sexual satisfaction. Opening up your relationship is a much bigger deal than just saying you want to, but it could be a good option in instances where desire discrepancy is the root of major tension in the relationship. Here is an Embrace Sexual Wellness article that goes into detail about how to open a monogamous relationship.

Talk to a sex therapist (either as an individual or as a relationship)

• Sex therapists are an amazing resource for sorting through sexual obstacles like desire discrepancy. They have knowledge about potential root causes of someone’s libido type, how to diffuse tension related to desire discrepancy, and creative problem solving that takes everyone’s needs into account. Working with a dedicated therapist also has the capacity to increase empathy on all sides, improving communication overall. If you live in Illinois, reach out to Embrace Sexual Wellness for a consultation.

Desire discrepancy does not mean anyone is at fault and will require patience and empathy on all sides to work through. This issue, like all other relationship issues, isn’t person versus person; it’s you all against the problem.

Feeling Stressed? Here are 3 Tips to Cope With Holiday Stress

The holidays are an exciting time but that excitement brings stress too. Between coordinating logistics, interpersonal drama, and potential financial burdens, not to mention less daylight, it’s understandable to feel overwhelmed by the fast approaching holiday season. With some forethought and planning though it doesn’t have to drown you. Here are Embrace Sexual Wellness’ best tips for not just surviving but thriving this holiday season so you can enjoy yourself to the fullest extent possible.

Clearly Identify and establish personal boundaries

• Boundaries are important year-round but they should most certainly be shored up ahead of a known stressful time. Family and boundaries can be particularly tricky so it might take more discipline to hold your ground. If you’re not sure where to start with determining and communicating your boundaries, check out this ESW article

Expect and accept imperfection

• It might sound obvious but it’s still important to intentionally remember that even the best laid plans go awry. In these moments, try reflecting on the true importance and priorities of the holidays: spending time with people you love.

Make an escape plan

Even the closest and calmest families and/or friends can feel overwhelming at times so consider planning how you might be able to get a break during the festivities before they begin. Whether that means going for a walk or a drive, stepping into the washroom, or finding another reprieve, knowing you have a plan to catch your breath can be stress reducing in and of itself.

These tips won’t solve all your problems or prevent stress completely, but they can certainly help ease your burden. We wish you and your loved ones the happiest holiday season!

Wondering How to Navigate Tough Conversations? Here Are 4 Tips

Having tough conversations is a fundamental part of any close relationship, platonic, romantic, and/or sexual. Unfortunately, that fact doesn’t make them any easier to have. Whether you want to talk to a friend about their chronic lateness or to your partner about your needs not being met, or any number of other examples, this article will discuss important, widely applicable conflict management tips to help you through it.

1) Being effective versus being right

Even though digging in your heels and trying to prove your correctness might feel more appealing and satisfying than aiming for effectiveness, it will foster a much more contentious conversation. Being right might be more satisfying in the short term, but focusing on being effective will be far more satisfying and bring more peace to your life in the long term. In an ideal world, you wouldn’t have to choose, but when you do have to choose, effectiveness will ultimately serve you and the relationship far more.

2) Operate on the assumption that everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment…

…even if that “best” is not enough for you right now. We are all imperfect and no matter how much we wish we could always bring our best self to the table, that simply isn’t the case. No matter how much you disagree with the person sitting across from you, the assumption that you are both doing your best can mitigate feelings of resentment. Just because someone is trying their best doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be held responsible for where they get it wrong, but reframing their intentions in this way makes it easier to empathize, and therefore easier to have a productive conversation.

3) Reframe the conflict as a team versus a problem instead of person versus person

In a tough conversation with a loved one, instead of going head to head and focusing on how to prove the other person wrong, try to approach the conflict as the two of you against the problem together. In a healthy relationship dynamic, you will have something in common: a desire to reach a resolution and you should use that commonality to your advantage. Reminding the other person of this fact can help defuse intense moments so you can proceed to a more effective solution.

4) Use the GIVE skill from DBT

Dialectical behavioral therapy is a modified type of cognitive behavioral therapy which primarily aims to teach how to live in the present, healthily cope, improve interpersonal interactions, and regulate intense emotions. An interpersonal effectiveness DBT skill is “GIVE” which stands for: (be) Gentle, (act) Interested, Validate, (use an) Easy Manner. Being Gentle means being nice and respectful while avoiding judgment, blaming, or threats. Acting Interested refers to active listening. Validating involves showing that you understand the other person’s thoughts and feelings; for example you might reiterate your understanding of what they’ve just told you to ensure you’re on the same page. Finally, an Easy Manner means checking your attitude at the door and bringing your kindest self to the table.

Though we hope these tips will help you facilitate a kind, collaborative conversation, it’s important to keep in mind that utilizing them will not necessarily eliminate all unpleasantness and challenge from your interpersonal interactions. That being said, if you try these tips and you still feel unequipped, consider seeing a therapist like the ones at Embrace Sexual Wellness.