Anxiety Getting in the Way of Sex? Here Are Some Tips

Anxiety comes in many forms, from generalized to circumstantial to sexual and beyond. Any type of anxiety has the potential to interfere with your sex life. If you're experiencing anxiety, it's important to know that you aren't alone. The good news is that anxiety can be addressed and there are tools to make it easier to have the sex life you want. Sometimes, stigma surrounding anxiety makes it difficult to openly talk about it or to ask for help but in reality there is nothing to be ashamed of. 

Regardless of how you experience anxiety or why, it can affect how you connect with people and yourself which is why it gets in the way of sex. Anxiety has the potential to lower your libido, deflate your confidence, stop you from asking what you want, and prevent you from achieving orgasm - just to name a few effects. You need to figure out the root of your anxiety in order to address it properly. For instance, if your anxiety stems from body insecurity, you may try to spend your energy working on your body image; if your anxiety primarily stems from something like mental illness, this may not be the most efficient way to help your anxiety. Ultimately, there is no one size fits all treatment so it will likely take trial and error to figure out what works best for you. 

Here are some ways to help with anxiety and your sex life:

• Try to be non-judgmentally mindful and stay in the moment. This is easier said than done but if your mind is constantly wandering during sex, it’s hard to enjoy yourself. You can find tips for being more mindful during sex here.

• Talk with your partner(s) about your experience with anxiety. Letting them know that you are experiencing anxiety may alleviate some feelings by getting it out in the open to address. This way, you and your partner can try to work on the problem as a team, as opposed to you navigating it alone.

• Take the pressure off of “goal oriented sex,” like expecting penetration or an orgasm as an integral part of “successful” sex. Physical intimacy takes many forms and unlearning expectations about what it “should” look like can help you enjoy yourself more.

• Give yourself grace. Anxiety is not your fault and you deserve to be patient with yourself as you work through it.

• Therapy is a great option for addressing anxiety if it’s available to you. Consider reaching out to Embrace Sexual Wellness to get in touch with a therapist today!

Stress Cycles: What they Are and How to Break Them

Do you feel as if you are in a constant state of stress? Well, you may be. Stressors can be found all around us, especially now. Did you know that many people who experience stress do not complete their stress cycles? According to Psych Central, stress isn’t a one-time event with a single cause and reaction; it is a cycle with many phases. We complete a stress cycle when our bodies learn that we are safe after facing danger.

Drs. Emily & Amelia Nagoski emphasize the importance of completing the stress cycle in their book, Burnout: The Secret to Solving the Stress Cycle. According to Burnout, when we do not confront our stress, we continue the stress cycle and our bodies are in constant activation with increased blood pressure, increased chance of heart disease, and issues with digestion. Thus, completing the stress cycle is imperative for our health. 

According to an article on Psych Central, there are five main stages of the stress cycle. These stages are, in order, the external stressor, internal appraisal, physiological response, internalization, and coping. 

Stage One: The external stressor, or simply, the triggering event, is the only aspect of stress that your mind and body do not play a direct role in. 

Stage Two: Internal appraisal happens just before, during, or after the actual trigger occurs. At this stage, your senses are taking in information that something has gone awry, sending a signal to your amygdala (the part of your brain that is responsible for processing emotions such as fear and rage). Once the amygdala is activated, a signal is sent to the hypothalamus and the pituitary gland, which are responsible for maintaining homeostasis (balance in the body).

Stage Three: Physiological responses occur once the amygdala is activated. Once the hypothalamus and the pituitary glands are signaled by the amygdala, the sympathetic nervous system becomes activated, thus launching your body into the fight or flight response. This response stimulates the cardiovascular system while accelerating your heart rate. At the same time, your parasympathetic nervous system is suppressed, causing your immune and digestive systems to shut down.

Stage Four: Internalization is when you begin to become aware of the stress. In this stage, you could experience physical reactions such as increased heart rate, upset stomach, or body aches which become more noticeable than in stage four. These physical reactions may cause you to worry about how well you are handling the stress, thus causing you to feel worry, anxiety, and dread. 

Stage Five: The final stage of the cycle is coping, a.k.a., doing something that alleviates the discomfort. While some coping mechanisms decrease stress, others can increase it. This is called maladaptive coping. When people engage in maladaptive coping, their strategies may work in the short-term but not in the long term. Some of these mechanisms include consuming psychoactive drugs, alcohol, constantly checking your phone, mindless media, and throwing yourself into work. These coping mechanisms actually further activate the physiological stress responses in your body, causing you to stay in a hyper-aroused state, thus leading to more stress. 

In an interview on Brene Brown’s podcast, Unlocking Us, the Nagoski sisters spoke about the burnout phenomenon in relation to stress cycles. They emphasize how emotions and stress can impact your entire nervous system. In order to create balance in your nervous system, you have to complete the stress cycle. Emily Nagoski debunks the idea that if we fix the issue that caused the stress, we have dealt with the stress itself. In reality, when we do this, we stay in a chronically elevated state of stress. 

In order to complete the stress cycle, we must reduce the stress we are experiencing. There is no one surefire way to reduce stress, but the Nagoski sisters do offer some helpful suggestions. Moving, breathing, laughing, speaking with your loved ones, crying, or doing something creative can have a profound impact on reducing stress.

Let’s Break These Down

Moving can include any physical activity such as running, yoga, stretching, walking, or biking. According to the Nagoski sisters, any activity that moves the body is helpful.

Breathing regulates your nervous system by increasing the amount of oxygen in your bloodstream. In fact, a study published in the Breathe, a journal published by the European Respiratory society, there appears to be potential for controlled slow breathing methods to optimize physiological health. The Nagoskis recommend taking a slow breath in and a slow, long breath out when you are feeling stressed. This is called paced breathing, and apps such as Insight Timer, Calm, and Headspace can help you practice this method. Breathing will engage the parasympathetic nervous system, therefore regulating the central nervous system. You may notice that you are unable to stay focused on one thought when you are breathing in this way, and that is normal. In fact, that’s the point. If your thoughts are more steady, that is okay too.

Any positive social interaction can help reduce stress. When you have a positive social interaction, your body feels as if it is at home. This interaction could be super brief such as saying hello to a cashier, or complimenting a neighbor or passerby, or talking to your best friend.

According to Nagoski and Nagoski (2019), laughter will help alleviate stress, but only if it is authentic. In their podcast interview, Dr. Amelia Nagoski shared, “it has to be the slightly embarrassing, mouth hanging open, belly jiggling, uncontrolled, ridiculous laughter that really takes over your body, you can’t stop laughing. That laughter will take you all the way through the end of a stress cycle.”

The next suggestion is to engage in affection. This can include speaking to a loved one or hugging (safely). According to an article in the Harvard Health newsletter, hugging for 20 seconds can increase your oxytocin levels. Higher oxytocin levels have been correlated with lower blood pressure and heart rates. Therefore, there is a possible link between hugging and lower blood pressure.

Crying will not solve the problem, but it can help allow physical tension to leave your body.

Creative expression can mean whatever you want it to mean, including painting, knitting, sketching, writing, singing, baking, or anything else that is an act of creation.

While none of these stress-reduction methods are the end-all-be-all, they can help you to complete the stress cycle. The most important thing is that you make it through the stress cycle, to protect your physical and mental health.

Give Yourself the Gift of Self Compassion This Holiday Season

In case you haven’t heard Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer and his friends spinning tunes on the radio or seen the decked out evergreen firs around town yet, the holiday season is upon us. While the holidays are often a time when people are encouraged to spread joy and be generous to others, the intense pressure of “giving enough” and showing up for our families can really amount for a lousy holiday if we forget about our own self-care. Here are a few tips to help you toast to a healthy holiday season!

1. It is perfectly okay if you don’t feel like being joyful this time of year. Maybe the holiday season reminds you of a painful event in your life or you don't have any family nearby to celebrate with — there’s no reason you should have to take a ride on the holly jolly trolly if you aren’t feeling up to it. Instead, spend some time nourishing you and doing something cathartic like reading a book, meeting a friend for coffee, going ice skating or watching a new movie.

2. If you are purchasing holiday gifts, stick to a budget that makes sense for you and do not spend more than you can afford. Spending extra now when you truly cannot afford it may lead to resentment and financial hardship later. Consider giving the gift of your time, a heartfelt card or experiences that can be financed over time like concert tickets. By following a strict budget for holiday shopping, you can walk into the new year feeling more financially stable and confident!

3. Holiday travel can be hectic. If you are traveling this holiday season — be gentle to yourself and come prepared with calming essentials. Calming essentials are go-to items that will help you stay calm and bring you peace amidst chaotic circumstances. Not sure where to start? Now is the time to start packing. Some recommendations may include: your water bottle, tea or hot chocolate mix, positively energizing tunes, essential oils, hand salve/lotion, a cozy scarf or blanket, a favorite photo album (electronic may be best for traveling), a you-approved selection of podcasts/audiobooks/books, and don’t forget your favorite snacks!

4. Prioritize YOU-time. So often, we are expected to show up to holiday parties to socialize and be “on” which can be draining, even for extroverts. If you have a lot of social events that you anticipate will zap your energy, take some time to plan lots of YOU-time before and afterwards to recharge and recover. While it may sound trivial to schedule YOU-time, you will thank yourself later and be glad you did. When we push ourselves too hard while running on empty, we are more prone to experience stress. Take the time this holiday season to get the rest you need and take care of you. That way, you’ll be more fun to be around later when you rejoin the group!

5. Know what would be absolutely perfection this holiday seasons? Letting go of perfection. It is far too easy to get caught up in a holiday headspace that is populated by Pinterest, but it’s less easy to actually create in real life. Instead of trying to make your holiday table look exactly like the one you pinned and have been admiring for weeks, try to focus on one element that feels special for you. Maybe making your grandmother’s recipe or hanging an heirloom ornament on the tree is really important or perhaps spending time with family or going to the movies is your thing. Instead of focusing on ‘having it all’, try to consider which aspect will bring you the most meaning and aim to make that one thing possible. Remember #managingexpectations makes for a better-than-perfect holiday!

No matter where you find yourself this holiday season, remember to give yourself the gift of self-compassion - YOU deserve it!

Like what you’re reading? Share the healthy vibes with your friends using the button below.