5 Ways to Engage in Sexual Self-care

Self-care is a buzzword these days. So much so to the point that we know we should be caring for ourselves but are lost on where to even start. At the end of the day, people are talking about it for a reason and connecting to our needs is paramount to exploring and finessing our vibrant, holistic selves. One of the most salient and yet least talked about are sexual needs. Here are five ways you can take care of your sexual self:

1) Connect with your body outside of sexually charged contexts

Your sensual self is always a part of you. Yes, even when sex is the last thing on your mind! At the end of the day, sex is a bodily experience that can be experienced with presence and intention. Just as a musician will care for their instrument daily, our bodies respond well to fine-tuning. Here are some ideas for body connection:

• Daily movement - walking is a great place to start

• Dancing - I personally love to put on my favorite song(s) and follow the impulses in my body to move in whatever way feels good

• Stretching, yoga, and pilates

2) Pampering

Pampering is a great way to feel sexy. This may include manipulating body hair in a way that feels good to you, exfoliating your body with a scrub, or self-massage. Great places to start with self-massage would be your hands, feet, and scalp, then explore from there!

3) Schedule sexual intimacy

You may be thinking “Boo! Scheduling sex isn’t fun!” to which I’d respond, “Well, at least the people scheduling sex are getting some” 👀 If it is important to you, sex, like most things in your life, needs to be prioritized. Scheduling sex can be seen as lacking spontaneity but a quick reframe to see it as an exciting thing on the calendar can do the trick! Scheduling sex may be with a partner or partners, but you can also schedule solo play. Putting these encounters on your schedule gives you a chance to prepare emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc. to be in a place where you can engage in the scheduled activity with ease and intention.

4) Switch it up

Muscle memory serves us positively in a lot of ways, but the other side of that coin is limiting ourselves to a small set of sexual likes that we adhere strongly too. A huge aspect of sexual self-care is to have an openness to your sexuality which requires a healthy dose of curious exploration. Here are some ideas on how you can switch it up:

• Explore your own erogenous zones with varying types of touch, texture, and pressure

• Use your other hand when masturbating

• Slow Down – just because you had to frantically finish self-pleasure as a kid, doesn’t mean you have to engage in the same frantic mindset as an adult. Think about the many elements of music that come together to make a song, this is the breadth of possibilities you have in front of you. Your time with yourself could be an insurance commercial or it could be a top hit. Give yourself permission to take time to create your own masterpiece.

5) Share your discoveries 

We have a lot at our fingertips and unfortunately a comprehensive sexual education isn’t one of them. This lack of education has led to a large percentage of our population experiencing some level of shame connected with sex or sexual desires. Brene Brown teaches that the antidote to shame is empathy, and a fast track to empathy is sharing (and of course listening). As you engage in some of the suggestions outlined above, share your experiences with a safe partner, friend, or loved one. This might be one the most important acts of sexual self-care: pursue your sexual self-care and share your discoveries.

Written By: Seth Taylor, MFT (he/him/his)

Benefits of Mutual Masturbation

Masturbation and partnered sex each have their own distinct appeals, but did you know that you can combine the two and mutually masturbate with your partner(s)? Mutual masturbation is the practice of two (or more) people masturbating simultaneously in each others’ presence, either over video call or in the same room.

Some benefits to mutual masturbation are learning more about how your partner(s) like to be touched, being able to simultaneously orgasm, and it’s nearly impossible to get pregnant or catch an STI. If you want to try it out, here are some ideas for good positions when you’re together in person. You can also integrate sex toys to take it to the next level, whether you’re in the same place or not. Another fun way to structure your mutual masturbation is by watching porn together; this has the added bonus of sharing sexual interests by sharing your favorite porn.     

Mutual masturbation can be a fun way to vary your sex and masturbation habits but that it also comes with challenges. The major challenge that many people face when trying mutual masturbation is performance anxiety. Since masturbation is a vulnerable act that is most often practiced solo, it can take some adjusting in order to enjoy it in the presence of another person. 

Performance anxiety can occur in any kind of sex, but mutual masturbation is particularly intimidating for many people. Even beyond the societally ingrained shame surrounding enjoying sexual acts, being able to truly lean into and take pleasure from masturbating in front of others requires becoming comfortable with the intense vulnerability it implies. First of all, it’s a good idea to sit down with your partner(s) and layout everyone’s concerns and insecurities on the table. Just the act of sharing these vulnerable thoughts can help make you more comfortable with the idea. In terms of tangible steps for combatting performance anxiety, one way is to have your partner and/or yourself wear a blindfold or turning off the lights. Another important way to take some of the pressure off is to not expect an orgasm; it’s much more fruitful to focus on the pleasurable sensations and being in the moment and if an orgasm happens, it’s a happy bonus! If you struggle to stay in the moment, check out Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are to learn about sexual mindfulness. For a rundown of mindfulness exercises as a general concept outside of sex, check out this article. 

Ultimately, mutual masturbation is another version of sexual collaboration with your partner(s) and it has the potential to bring you closer, learn more about each others’ sexual likes and interests, and, over time, diminish sexual performance anxiety. As with any kind of sex, there is no right or wrong way to mutually masturbate as long as everyone is consenting and having a good time.      

4 Types of Pleasure Devices That Can Enhance Your Sex Life

Pleasure devices (aka: sex toys) are great tools that can enhance communication and pleasure in the bedroom. Sometimes buying one can be an intimidating task with so many options and a lack of information available due to stigma. Never fear though because Embrace Sexual Wellness has compiled a buying guide to help you find the best match for your personal needs.

First of all, you need to identify what is important to you in a sex toy. Here are some questions you should ask yourself before embarking on your search: 

1. Do you want to be able to use this toy on just yourself, or with partners too? (If you plan on sharing, make sure you take appropriate safety precautions). 

2. Do you have any sensitivities to materials like silicone or latex that need to be taken into consideration?

3. What’s your budget? 

4. Are you interested in something that vibrates or not?

5. Do you need a toy that is waterproof to take in the bath or shower?

6. If you’re interested in vibration, do you want pinpointed sensations or broader stimulation? 

Once you have your answers, you can begin your search in earnest. To get you started, let’s talk about the most popular kinds of sex toys. Please note that regardless of what toys you opt for, it’s essential to take care of them properly. Here is a helpful guide that goes over how to clean sex toys. 

Dildos

Dildos are insertable objects that are most commonly phallic shaped but there are also tons of fantasy and abstract options available too! They come in all sizes, shapes, and colors. Some are smooth, while others have texture. Some vibrate and some don’t. Some can attach to a wearer like a strap–on, while others are handheld. Some even have suction cups so they can stick to flat surfaces like a shower or a bedroom wall. Dildos are a highly versatile item that can be used for penetration, for external stimulation or rubbing on the genitals, or even for gender affirmation.

Vibrators

Vibrators are “objects that vibrate (move continuously/buzz) to stimulate your genitals. Vibrators are often used on genitals but can really be used anywhere that feels good on any anatomy! Popular types of vibrators are bullet, suction, and wand. Bullet vibrators are good for pinpointed stimulation and portability; suction vibrators are a unique sensation that is distinct from other vibrators because they use air pulsation instead or in addition to vibration; and wand vibrators, perhaps the most well known, are good for high powered broad stimulation.

Anal Toys

From butt plugs to anal beads to anal-sex-specific dildos, anal toys come in all shapes and sizes. Here is a guide detailing the differences between your options. Regardless of what you opt for, EVERY anal toy you use must have a flared base (a base that is significantly wider than the insertable portion of the toy). The flared base ensures that the toy won’t go too far up inside the body and if it does go in too far, it may necessitate an unpleasant visit to the emergency room.

Strokers and Penis Rings

The most popular stroker is known as the Fleshlight but these days there are dozens of options to choose from. Some are heated or vibrating, some are textured, and all of them are fun ways to enhance penis play! Another popular sex toy commonly used by people with penises are penis rings which “slow blood flow out of the penis when it’s erect, which can increase sensation, or make your erection harder and longer-lasting.” 

Finally, something incredibly important to take into account during your sex toy search is that sex toys are not carefully regulated like food or medication products so it’s up to the individual consumer to ensure safety. Here are some things you should look for in terms of safety. Do NOT purchase sex toys from websites like Amazon or eBay as they have been known to sell inauthentic and even used items. Some reputable sex toy shops that you can start with are below. Happy sex toy hunting!    

• Spectrum Boutique

• Nox Shop

• Unbound

• FeelMore Adult

• Enby

• Ardentley

• Wink Wink Boutique

• SheBop 

• Good Vibes 

• Smitten Kitten

• Peepshow Toys

• Honey Play Box

• Early to Bed