ESW's Beginner's guide to Kink/BDSM/Fetish

Kink has become more mainstream in the past decade, for better or for worse (the latter referring to inaccurate depictions), which has stimulated interest in it. This may lead you to wonder if kinky sex is for you, and if so, how do you get started? Let’s talk about it. 

Defining kink 

Before talking about how to get into kink, it’s important to define what “kink” even is, and how it differs from phrases like BDSM and fetish. Kink refers to any non-traditional sex; traditional in this context means heterosexual, monogamous intercourse without a non-normative fantasy or desire involved. A kink is not a fetish, but a fetish is a type of kink. A fetish is defined as an attraction to an inanimate object or specific body parts (excluding the traditionally sexualized ones). Finally, BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. BDSM is often incorrectly used interchangeably with kink, the difference being that kink is a broader term and BDSM is a type of kink that involves power dynamics. Whatever you’re into, kink, fetish, or BDSM, they all prioritize and require open communication and consent. To get a handle on the basic terminology, check out this glossary.    

Tips for Getting Started

Set expectations and boundaries. 

Before even dipping your toe in, sit down and have a conversation with your partner(s) about expectations, interests, and limits. Here are some guides for talking about kink with partner(s), and another useful tool is a kink compatibility quiz.   

Safe Words: these are words that would not otherwise come up during sex (e.g. pineapple, vote, continent, etc.) that mean “stop!” Safe words are especially relevant during play involving consensual non-consent. 

Boundaries: Setting boundaries is the best way to make sure everyone is comfortable and safe. If you aren’t sure what your boundaries are, check out this checklist of common ones. 

Communication: The importance of ongoing communication and consent in kink cannot be overstated. Of course, communication and consent are important regardless of what kind of sex you have, but this becomes even more vital when having kinky sex because of the nature of the power dynamics involved. 

Dip your toe in. 

If you’re intrigued by kink but you’re not quite ready to dive in, that’s okay! Some alternative ways to experiment include:

• Reading kinky erotica 

• Doing additional research (more on this below)

• Talking to a sex therapist

• Starting solo. Experimenting alone can be a great way to get a handle on what you like. Ways to incorporate kink into solo play may include:

  • Using ice cubes for temperature play 

  • Spanking yourself 

  • Trying edging

  • Using sex toys 

Do your research.

You’re already starting on the right foot reading this article! Here are some helpful resources for continuing your research:

Guides

• The Non-Intimidating Guide to Kinks and Fetishes

• Emerson (@thekinkeducator)

Communication 

• How to talk about kink with new partners 

• Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships

• What is a safe word?  

• Kink + Safety: What You Need to Know

Safety

• Choking Etiquette 101 

• What Is BDSM? Fundamentals, Types and Roles 

• Erotic Asphyxiation: 10 Things to Know About Safe Breath Play

• A Beginner's Guide to Impact Play 

• RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink): A Realistic Alternative to SSC 

• RACK: The Risk Acceptable Safety Mantra

Consent and Boundaries

• Kink Boundaries and Interests 

• What Kink Can Teach Us About Consent

Hopefully this guide gives you a solid jumping off point to exploring kink. Happy exploring! 

If you’re struggling to navigate if and how kink fits into your life, how to set boundaries, or any other concerns, consider trying sex therapy.

Tips for Navigating Long Distance Intimacy

Long distance relationships are tough for everyone involved - who wants to be apart from their loved one(s)? Though nothing will quite sate the desire to be with them physically, there are ways to get everyone’s needs met. Over the past few years COVID forced us to innovate and find creative ways to stay connected. As a result, we've never had more tools available to make long distance relationships a bit easier. Before figuring out which of these options work best for your relationship, all partners involved should evaluate what they need to feel connected and satisfied, and then communicate that to each other. That will give you the information you need to choose the best option(s) for your relationship.

Some questions you should consider are:

• What are your non-negotiable needs around connecting with your partner and how often do you need to connect to feel satisfied in your relationship? 

• How often are you able and willing to text/call/video chat? 

• What insecurities, if any, do you have about long distance relationships and what do you need from your partner(s) to help you manage those insecurities?

• What ways, if any, do you need to be intentional about how you spend social time outside the relationship in order to feel socially satisfied? 

• What are your primary love language(s) and how can they be fulfilled long distance? 

Once you establish those answers, you can get started looking into ways to connect, including the following suggestions: 

CASUAL COMMUNICATION

• Send videos or audio messages to give your partner updates about your day 

• Make “open when” letters

• Send them a surprise $5 to get themselves a coffee  
  

SPENDING TIME TOGETHER

• Watch a movie or TV show together

• Play free multiplayer games online like on Pogo

• Do a virtual museum tour
  

SEX

• Try out a long distance remote control sex toy 

• Print out sultry photos of yourself and mail it to them (as long as you have consent) 

• Set aside time for sexting like you would carve out time for physical sex in order to be fully present and connected 
  

Long distance relationships are challenging but not insurmountable. With work, intentionality, and communication, it’s possible to have a full, satisfying relationship regardless of proximity. 

Sexuality Professionals Series: An Interview with Caitlin V.

Embrace Sexual Wellness is conducting a multipart spotlight series of interviews with sexuality professionals. If you missed the first one with Dr. Shemeka Thorpe, you can find that article here. For the second installment in our interviews, we spoke with Caitlin V. (she/they) of BPP Coaching. 

According to the biography on her website, Caitlin studied sexuality and public health at Indiana University and The Center for Sexual Health Advancement. There, they discovered scientific revelations about human sexuality and performed ground-breaking research, but realized she really wanted to be helping people with their sex lives on a personal level. Now she does just that as a sex and relationship coach. They educate millions through her YouTube channel, her online courses, and their upcoming TV show.

Sex coaching is built on the idea that sex is a learnable skill. While generally people instinctively know the basic mechanics of sex because of evolution and biology, that doesn’t necessarily mean people intuitively know how to have good sex. Especially for people who grew up in environments lacking models for healthy romantic and sexual relationships, it’s not uncommon to need external guidance for how to have healthy, enjoyable, and safer sex. Generally speaking, the two kinds of sex coaches are talk coaches and experiential coaches. Talk coaches offer a talk therapy based approach supplemented with external resources like books and videos. Experiential coaches, on the other hand, teach a client through talking as well as hands-on practices. This might include breath, touch, and how to emit sexual energy. Sex coaching can help with a variety of needs such as sexual performance anxiety, communication, and boundaries.

What inspired you to pursue your career path? 
Knowing that sex education was disease-focused, I wanted to add a pleasure-centered perspective to those experiencing shame around sex.

How does your field differ from that of other sexuality professionals?
I am not licensed, which means I can play with ALL the colors of the rainbow and use unorthodox tools and techniques (and I don't have to deal with insurance!).

What is the most rewarding part of your career?
Seeing transformation in people's lives.

What's the most misunderstood thing about what you do?
I don't have any physical contact with anyone, and until recently, I didn't watch footage of them having sex.

What's the most common question you receive from others about your career?
“What kind of training did it require for you to get here?” The answer is a very non-linear and impossible to duplicate path. I encourage them to find their own.

What advice would you want to share with aspiring sexuality professionals?
Do your inner work right alongside your clients. Know that you don't have to know everything, just more than your clients.

If you had to describe your work in one sentence, what would you say?
 Helping people to have the best sex of their lives.

Thank you to Caitlin for taking the time to share their perspective. We encourage you to find Caitlin on social media and her websites, linked below.

• Instagram: @caitlinvictoriousx

• Youtube: Caitlin V.

• Website: caitlinvneal.com