Sex Education + Pleasure

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What is Purity Culture and How Can It Affect Your Sex Life?

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Purity culture is an American evangelical Christian ideology that encourages people, especially teenagers, to pledge sexual abstinence before marriage. Its core tenets revolve around abstinence, rigid gender roles, heteronormativity, and the strict regulation of perceived “sinful” behaviors. Purity culture entered the zeitgeist in the late 1990s, manifesting in events like father-daughter purity balls, products like purity pledges and purity rings, and government-funded abstinence education in schools. Purity culture perpetuates messaging that sex is shameful, queerness is wrong and sinful, and that our bodies cannot be trusted because they make us want things we should not want like premarital sex. Under purity culture, young women in particular are burdened with the expectation that they need to police their bodies and behaviors so as not to tempt young men. Though purity culture began as a religious movement, it has had a lasting negative impact on societal attitudes towards sex. The lack of comprehensive sex education paired with strict expectations surrounding sex can result in challenges related to sexual expression, communication, and sexual shame.

Is Purity Culture harmful?

Purity culture imposes strict boundaries on sexual expression, prescribing a narrow view of acceptable behaviors. According to purity culture, sex before marriage is a sin, expressing sexuality makes someone damaged, women must be submissive to men, women are responsible for the behavior of men, and porn is evil. These messages are more than incorrect, they are traumatizing. People raised within this framework may feel conflicted or guilty about exploring their sexuality which limits the ability to have a healthy and autonomous sex life. This ability is further limited by a lack of comprehensive sex education.

How does purity culture affect your sex life as an adult?

Since purity culture emphasizes abstinence-only education, many people lack the tools and knowledge to practice consensual safer sex. This is a disservice to women in particular, especially in conjunction with the messaging that a woman’s body belongs to her father and then her husband. When someone believes that they do not own their body and their sex education is lacking, it leaves them vulnerable to sexual assault. Beyond this though, insufficient sex education is a disservice to people of every gender. In addition to sexual assault, it can lead to heightened rates of STD transmission and accidental pregnancies. Abstinence-only education is both ineffective and actively harmful; everyone deserves the opportunity to make informed decisions about their body and sex life.

The emphasis on abstinence and avoidance of discussions about sex within purity culture creates communication barriers. Communication is a vital part of a healthy sexual dynamic so when people do not have the communication tools to express desires, concerns, and boundaries, it can only lead to trouble. A lack of communication can lead to misunderstandings, boundaries being violated, and unsatisfying sex. Overcoming these barriers involves dismantling ingrained stigmas and beliefs about sex. The resources below can help begin the unlearning and reeducating process required to reclaim your body and sex life.                               

Further reading

Further viewing

Learning from others

Takeaway

To be clear, there is nothing wrong with voluntarily abstaining from premarital sex, but it should be an intentional choice, not something you are shamed into doing. Unlearning a lifetime of purity culture messaging is no small feat, but it is possible to reclaim your body and sex life. You deserve to trust your body and to feel at home in it. Through self-reflection and re-educating yourself, you can begin liberating yourself. If you need extra help doing so, consider seeking professional help from a sex therapist.

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How to Ask for What You Want Sexually: A Guide to Being Sexually Assertive

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Communicating what you want sexually is an integral part of a healthy and satisfying sex life. There are many potential reasons behind why it can feel awkward to communicate about sex including sexual shame, fear of rejection or vulnerability, and sexual trauma. Sexual communication is an important skill that requires practice. You can improve your sexual communication and start your journey to a more satisfying sex life by using these tips.        

Talk about your desires, curiosities, and boundaries before, during and after sex

Communication should happen before, during, and after sex. Talking about sex beforehand serves to establish your desires and what you want to try. Talking about what is and is not working during sex helps you course-correct if something does not feel the way you want it to feel. Talking about it afterwards allows you to give feedback about what did and did not work for you so you can improve upon it in the future. When giving feedback, try to reinforce what is working for you before discussing what needs to change.  

Experiment with different tools and forms of communication

Sometimes verbalizing your desires makes communicating them even more intimidating. Luckily, there are more ways to communicate than saying them out loud. You could try writing down what you want before sharing it with a partner either on paper or through sexting. Alternatively, you can utilize a sex compatibility quiz. Finally, try establishing non-verbal cues for communicating during sex such as a double tap on the shoulder to take a pause.

Take responsibility for your own pleasure

As much as you may wish your partner could read your mind, they cannot. You are ultimately responsible for your pleasure. Many people get caught up in anxiety about pleasing their partner and do not advocate for themselves, which negatively impacts everyone involved. Reframe your perspective on expressing what you want as a favor to your partner instead of thinking it is burdensome for them. No one wants to play guessing games when you are trying to be intimate, so being transparent about what you want helps your partner, it does not burden them.

TLDR

It is natural to be intimidated by the idea of communicating your sexual desires. Being vulnerable means that you are putting yourself out there at the risk of being hurt to gain the opportunity to be understood. Communication is an important part of enhancing your sexual relationships and openly communicating can help you become more sexually assertive over time and in turn, have more fulfilling sex. If you find sexual communication to be challenging, try speaking with a sex therapist who can help you unpack the source of the difficulty and learn new communication skills.  

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How to Figure Out What You Actually Enjoy During Sex

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The first step to having satisfying sex is to understand what you enjoy. It is difficult for a partner to facilitate pleasure without any direction. Many people are uncertain of what they like or want for a variety of reasons. Cultural stigma and sexual shame can exacerbate this knowledge gap. So how do you figure out what you like in the bedroom? In this article, we’ll highlight how to better understand your own pleasure and offer reflection questions to guide your exploration.  

Practical Tips for Learning What You Like in Bed

Read and watch erotica

“Erotica” is any sexually explicit literary or artistic work. It can be a great tool for exploring sexual interests alone or with a partner/partners. Erotica can include books, short stories, audio clips, drawings and more. Exploring erotica and taking note of what excites you will give you more information about what you may or may not enjoy during sex. 

Explore your body and masturbation

Before bringing a partner into the mix, try intentionally touching and exploring your own body. This should go beyond just your genitals, although that can be important too. Try different types of touch like gentle versus firmer pressure. Let go of your assumptions of what you are “supposed” to like and explore freely. You can also try different types of masturbation, like acute versus broad stimulation, experimenting with sex toys, and varying your position like sitting versus lying down. 

Experiment with a trusted partner

The best way to learn what you enjoy during partnered sex is to try it out with a partner. Make sure you choose a partner who you can talk to about your curiosity, hesitations, and uncertainty. When you broach the subject, make sure to choose a time when they are in a headspace to talk about it and offer them time to think about it. If you decide to proceed, establish explicit expectations and a safe word. Afterwards, when you are ready, talk about how it went and whether or not you want to do it again.    

Reflection Questions

Understanding your feelings about sex may also help you better understand your desires. Here are some questions to guide your reflection so you can better understand what you want during sex: 

  • Are there parts of your body where you particularly enjoy being stimulated? 

  • Are there parts of your body that you do not want a partner to touch?

  • How do you feel about integrating sex toys or props into your sex life?

  • Do you have sexual trauma that needs to be taken into account?

  • Do you like dirty talk?

  • Do you want to take the lead or do you want to be led? 

  • How much stimulation do you want to receive versus give?

  • How do you want sex to make you feel? Do you want to feel loved, sexy, powerful, degraded, and/or something else? 

  • What type of genital stimulation do you prefer? 

  • Do you want to be penetrated?

  • What kind of sexual aftercare is important to you?

Takeaway

Knowing what you enjoy in bed is important for directing partners and maximizing your satisfaction. With techniques like self-exploration and reflection, you can hopefully figure out what works best for you. Factors like sexual trauma and shame can contribute to being unsure of your preferences. If you are experiencing roadblocks that are preventing you from learning your sexual desires, consider reaching out to a sex therapist.

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