Individual or Couples Therapy? How to Decide What's Best for Your Relationship

Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

Relationships can be complex and challenging; sometimes, couples may face difficulties requiring professional help. When seeking therapy for relationship issues, it's common to wonder whether individual or couples therapy is the best approach. Both options can be beneficial, but it's essential to consider certain factors to determine which may be more appropriate for your situation. In this blog post, we will explore the differences between individual and couples therapy and provide references to help you make an informed decision.

Individual Therapy

Individual therapy, or one-on-one therapy, focuses on the individual's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and aims to improve their mental health and well-being. Individual therapy can be helpful for a wide range of issues, including anxiety, depression, trauma, self-esteem, and personal growth.

Couples Therapy

Couples therapy, also known as relationship therapy or marriage counseling, involves partners working with a therapist to address issues in their relationship. It focuses on the couple's dynamics, communication patterns, problem-solving skills, and emotional connection. Couples therapy can help address communication difficulties, conflict, infidelity, trust issues, and improve overall relationship satisfaction.

How to Decide What's Best for Your Relationship

Should I go to individual therapy or couples therapy? Deciding between individual and couples therapy depends on various factors, and carefully considering your unique situation is essential. Here are some ideas and references to help you determine which approach may be more appropriate for you and your partner(s):

1. Assess the Nature of the Issues

Consider the nature and scope of the issues you face as a couple. Individual therapy may be a good starting point if the problems primarily involve unique struggles, such as mental health concerns, personal trauma, or self-esteem issues. Individual therapy can help each partner work on their unique challenges and develop coping skills to impact their relationship positively.

2. Evaluate Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills

Reflect on your communication and conflict resolution skills as a couple. Couples therapy may be more suitable if there are ongoing communication difficulties, escalating conflicts, or a lack of practical problem-solving skills. Couples therapy can provide a safe space for partners to improve their communication, learn healthy conflict-resolution skills, and strengthen their emotional connection.

3. Consider Motivation and Willingness

Consider the motivation and willingness of each partner to engage in therapy. All partners must be willing to participate actively, be open to feedback, and work towards positive change. If one partner is unwilling or resistant to participate in couples therapy, individual therapy may be an excellent option to work on their challenges. However, it's essential to remember that couples therapy typically involves the participation of all partners to address relational dynamics effectively.

4. Seek Professional Support

Consulting a qualified mental health professional can provide valuable guidance in determining the best approach for your relationship. An experienced relationship therapist can assess your unique situation, provide tailored recommendations, and help you make an informed decision.

Takeaways

Deciding between individual and couples therapy can be significant for people seeking support to address their relationship issues. It's crucial to carefully assess the nature of the problems, evaluate communication and conflict resolution skills, consider motivation and willingness, and seek professional advice to determine the most appropriate approach. It's also essential to remember that each relationship is unique, and what works for one couple may not work for another. With the right approach and professional support, couples can improve their relationship and achieve their desired outcomes.

Remember, seeking therapy is a courageous step towards improving your relationship, and various resources are available, including affordable options, online therapy, and community-based counseling programs. Don't hesitate to reach out for help when needed, and remember that you and your partner deserve support and care in your journey toward a healthier and happier relationship.

What is Gaslighting? What to know about gaslighting and how it can impact relationships

The popularity of the internet meme phrase “gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss” in 2021 brought the term “gaslight” into the zeitgeist. The meme, in conjunction with the trend of armchair psychology on TikTok, allowed conversations about gaslighting to quickly gain traction. Despite what the flippancy with which the phrase is tossed around might lead you to believe, “gaslighting” is a type of emotional abuse. Gaslighting is a “covert type of emotional abuse in which the bully or person who gaslights misleads the recipient, creating a false narrative and making them question their judgments and reality.” Though this abusive dynamic is most often connoted with romantic relationships, it can happen in any type of relationship.

For example, partner A shares with partner B that they are uncomfortable when partner B flirts with people when they go out together, a gaslighting response from partner B may be “I don’t flirt with other people, you’re just being paranoid.” When partner B denies and deflects their behavior, they make partner A doubt their perception of reality, which makes it near impossible to ever have a healthy or productive conversation within this type of dynamic. 

When gaslighting happens repeatedly, the recipient starts to doubt their own memories, perception of reality, and sanity, making them lose self-confidence and become more dependent on the abusive partner. The most insidious part of gaslighting is that making someone doubt their own reality means the recipient will struggle to even recognize when it’s happening. This article will discuss the various forms of gaslighting, how to recognize it, and how to respond when someone denies your experience.

Types of Gaslighting and What to Look Out For

Gaslighting is a name for a general manipulation tactic that all serves the same goal of making the recipient question their reality, but there are different tactics gaslighters use to accomplish this. Understanding the different ways gaslighting appears can help you recognize it easier. Here are some of the ways that gaslighters may engage with people: 

• Denying that certain events happened or certain conversations took place.

• Minimizing and invalidating someone’s needs and requests.

• Isolating the recipient from their support system to solidify the person who gaslights’ control over them. Often achieved by using a veil of apparent support for the recipient by saying something like “I don’t think your friends have your best interests at heart,” falsely positing the person who gaslights as a protector from “harmful” people. 

• Lovebombing. While not exclusive to gaslighting, a general abuse tactic that often shows up in conjunction with gaslighting, is the cycle between abuse and love bombing. Lovebombing is when the person who gaslights showers the recipient in attention and love, usually when the recipient is starting to have doubts about the relationship, to make them want to stay and believe the person who gaslights will change.

• Constantly criticizing the recipient to make them call into question their judgment and ability to accurately assess situations and decisions.

Commonly used phrases by people who engage in gaslighting may include:

• "I never said that."

• "I did that because I love you."

• "You're being overly sensitive."

• "If you loved me, you would..." 

• "You're being delusional."

• "You are just insecure."

• "That never happened.

• "It's not that big a deal."

• "You're just being paranoid." 

A major sign that you might be being gaslit is constantly experiencing confusion, uncertainty, and self-doubt in the context of a relationship. If you suspect you are being gaslit, remember you are not to blame for being the target and when you’re ready, there are steps you can take to address what’s happening.  

How to Respond to Gaslighting 

Once you suspect you are being gaslit, it’s difficult to know how to approach the subject with the person who gaslights and react to the situation overall. Here are some important steps to take:

1. If you are hoping to salvage the relationship, here are some key phrases you can use to inform your conversation with the person gaslighting: 

• “My feelings are valid. I don’t appreciate you telling me I’m too sensitive” 

• “I know what I saw”

• “When I share a concern with you, it’s hurtful when you try to invalidate me instead of trying to engage in a conversation about it”

Before the conversation, internally establish what your goal is and what you want to convey. Be prepared to set boundaries, maintain your ground when it’s called into question, and even walk away if the person is not being receptive.

2. Start documenting, whether through pictures, voice notes, or written notes, the instances that make you suspect you are being gaslit. You can also document your experience of an event that you think might be met with gaslighting in order to have a tangible record of what happened in case it’s denied later by the person who gaslights.

3. Talk to someone trustworthy, ideally who knows both parties involved, to get perspective on the situation and, if they spend time with you often, they might be able to corroborate your recollections that are being denied. 

4. Make a safety plan if you do end up needing to sever ties with the person who gaslights. This might include a list of safe places to stay, emergency contacts, and self-care ideas to help you cope.

5. Speak to a therapist if that’s an accessible option for you. Working with a therapist can help you recognize what’s happening a bit more objectively and help you make a plan on how to handle the situation going forward.

In a healthy relationship, both parties should be open to discussing concerns and hurt feelings without worry that they will be invalidated. If someone you suspect is gaslighting you is not willing to hear out your feelings and acknowledge your reality, it is impossible to have a healthy relationship. There are many reasons someone might gaslight others, including both intentional and unintentional roots of the problem, but the impact on the recipient is more important than the intention. Gaslighting is a serious form of emotional abuse and recipients should strongly consider seeking professional help to handle the situation.         

How to Tell Your Parents You Don’t Want Kids

Even before COVID-19 hit in 2020, the United States’ birth rate has fallen every year since 2007, aside from 2014. The pandemic compounded this trend, with 2020 having the largest single-year drop in number of births in almost 50 years. A 2021 study from Pew Research Center found that 44% of non-parents ages 18-49 report it is unlikely or not at all likely they will have children. 

Between the climate crisis, rampant and rising gun violence, the COVID-19 pandemic, the ever-present wealth gap, or just wanting to enjoy one’s own life untethered to the immense responsibility of being a parent, more and more people are opting to be childfree. 

Though this attitude and choice might seem surprising to some, especially older generations, it is not such a mystery when looking at how challenging, complicated, and demanding our current world is, a state which plagues many young people with a sense of malaise and hopelessness. Despite how justified and understandable the malaise and hopelessness are, there can still be familial pressure to have kids from parents who had hoped to be grandparents. These two opposing perspectives can make for a contentious conversation that is difficult to know how to broach. Even if you are 100% certain that you want to be childfree by choice, justifying that in the face of the traditional mindset that “everyone wants to and should have kids” is not an easy task. Before even starting the conversation, it is important to remember that your decision has been made and your conversation with your family about it is not about convincing them that this is the best decision for you, rather it is an opportunity to share your feelings on the matter.

The specifics of how you approach the conversation will depend on your family dynamic and communication styles so you will need to adjust your approach based on that information, but this article will cover general considerations and strategies to make the conversation as productive as possible.

Think through what their concerns about you being childfree might be 

Some common objections family members may offer to your expression of wanting to be childfree are “is this because of something we did wrong?,” “who will care for you in your old age?,” or “having children was the best thing that happened to me, I don’t want you to miss out.” All three of these are likely rooted in much more complex emotions. Take for instance the question about whether they did something wrong to cause you to feel this way; that question could be rooted in anxiety that it is their fault you do not want to have kids. Being aware of some of their potential reasons for objecting is important in crafting how you approach them and assuage their concerns. Furthermore, understanding the “why” behind their objection can foster your empathy and compassion towards them which will make the conversation easier as well.  

Use “I” statements

Since your parents did make the decision to have kids, they might want to personalize your decision as being about them in some way, like a rejection or criticism of them. When you use “I” language, you are focused on expressing your feelings and what you want, rather than putting them on the defensive. For example, instead of saying “I don’t want to have kids because you traumatized me,” you could try “My mental health and ability to navigate challenging situations that would undoubtedly come up with children makes me feel like it’s not the right choice for me or my hypothetical children.”

Empathize with and respect your parents’ emotions

Many parents look forward to the opportunity to be a grandparent and the loss of this potential future role might cause legitimate grief. Try to remember that you have had time to think over your decision in depth and when you tell your parents for the first time, they will not have had that processing time yet. The initial shock might cause them to react more severely compared to after they have had time to digest it. Try to work with them to give them the space they need to process this news. Their disappointment is not a reason to change your mind, and it is not your responsibility to soothe them, but it is important to be mindful and respectful of their feelings.   

Offer resources about choosing to be childfree if they want to learn more about your choice

If your parents are not very familiar with being childfree by choice, the foreign concept can exacerbate how scary it sounds to them. Offering resources for further learning can show them that you are far from alone in your choice and the explanations might resonate with them more when they come from an author your parents have no emotional attachment to, unlike with you. Here are three recommended texts to share with them: 

• Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on The Decision Not To Have Kids

• I Can Barely Take Care of Myself: Tales From a Happy Life Without Kids

• Beyond Motherhood: Choosing Life Without Children

Hopefully these tips will equip you to have a productive, thoughtful conversation with your parents about your choice to be childfree. Not wanting to have children is a perfectly legitimate and increasingly popular decision. Even if people like your parents disagree with your choice, it is not their prerogative to persuade you otherwise, and you are well within your rights to establish boundaries around the subject if they continually push their feelings onto you. Being surrounded by non-familial support systems is especially important before and after speaking to your parents about it. If you are struggling with preparing for or processing after the conversation, consider reaching out to a therapist.