The popularity of the internet meme phrase “gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss” in 2021 brought the term “gaslight” into the zeitgeist. The meme, in conjunction with the trend of armchair psychology on TikTok, allowed conversations about gaslighting to quickly gain traction. Despite what the flippancy with which the phrase is tossed around might lead you to believe, “gaslighting” is a type of emotional abuse. Gaslighting is a “covert type of emotional abuse in which the bully or person who gaslights misleads the recipient, creating a false narrative and making them question their judgments and reality.” Though this abusive dynamic is most often connoted with romantic relationships, it can happen in any type of relationship.
For example, partner A shares with partner B that they are uncomfortable when partner B flirts with people when they go out together, a gaslighting response from partner B may be “I don’t flirt with other people, you’re just being paranoid.” When partner B denies and deflects their behavior, they make partner A doubt their perception of reality, which makes it near impossible to ever have a healthy or productive conversation within this type of dynamic.
When gaslighting happens repeatedly, the recipient starts to doubt their own memories, perception of reality, and sanity, making them lose self-confidence and become more dependent on the abusive partner. The most insidious part of gaslighting is that making someone doubt their own reality means the recipient will struggle to even recognize when it’s happening. This article will discuss the various forms of gaslighting, how to recognize it, and how to respond when someone denies your experience.
Types of Gaslighting and What to Look Out For
Gaslighting is a name for a general manipulation tactic that all serves the same goal of making the recipient question their reality, but there are different tactics gaslighters use to accomplish this. Understanding the different ways gaslighting appears can help you recognize it easier. Here are some of the ways that gaslighters may engage with people:
Denying that certain events happened or certain conversations took place.
Minimizing and invalidating someone’s needs and requests.
Isolating the recipient from their support system to solidify the person who gaslights’ control over them. Often achieved by using a veil of apparent support for the recipient by saying something like “I don’t think your friends have your best interests at heart,” falsely positing the person who gaslights as a protector from “harmful” people.
Lovebombing. While not exclusive to gaslighting, a general abuse tactic that often shows up in conjunction with gaslighting, is the cycle between abuse and love bombing. Lovebombing is when the person who gaslights showers the recipient in attention and love, usually when the recipient is starting to have doubts about the relationship, to make them want to stay and believe the person who gaslights will change.
Constantly criticizing the recipient to make them call into question their judgment and ability to accurately assess situations and decisions.
Commonly used phrases by people who engage in gaslighting may include:
"I never said that."
"I did that because I love you."
"You're being overly sensitive."
"If you loved me, you would..."
"You're being delusional."
"You are just insecure."
"That never happened.
"It's not that big a deal."
"You're just being paranoid."
A major sign that you might be being gaslit is constantly experiencing confusion, uncertainty, and self-doubt in the context of a relationship. If you suspect you are being gaslit, remember you are not to blame for being the target and when you’re ready, there are steps you can take to address what’s happening.
How to Respond to Gaslighting
Once you suspect you are being gaslit, it’s difficult to know how to approach the subject with the person who gaslights and react to the situation overall. Here are some important steps to take:
1. If you are hoping to salvage the relationship, here are some key phrases you can use to inform your conversation with the person gaslighting:
“My feelings are valid. I don’t appreciate you telling me I’m too sensitive”
“I know what I saw”
“When I share a concern with you, it’s hurtful when you try to invalidate me instead of trying to engage in a conversation about it”
Before the conversation, internally establish what your goal is and what you want to convey. Be prepared to set boundaries, maintain your ground when it’s called into question, and even walk away if the person is not being receptive.
2. Start documenting, whether through pictures, voice notes, or written notes, the instances that make you suspect you are being gaslit. You can also document your experience of an event that you think might be met with gaslighting in order to have a tangible record of what happened in case it’s denied later by the person who gaslights.
3. Talk to someone trustworthy, ideally who knows both parties involved, to get perspective on the situation and, if they spend time with you often, they might be able to corroborate your recollections that are being denied.
4. Make a safety plan if you do end up needing to sever ties with the person who gaslights. This might include a list of safe places to stay, emergency contacts, and self-care ideas to help you cope.
5. Speak to a therapist if that’s an accessible option for you. Working with a therapist can help you recognize what’s happening a bit more objectively and help you make a plan on how to handle the situation going forward.
In a healthy relationship, both parties should be open to discussing concerns and hurt feelings without worry that they will be invalidated. If someone you suspect is gaslighting you is not willing to hear out your feelings and acknowledge your reality, it is impossible to have a healthy relationship. There are many reasons someone might gaslight others, including both intentional and unintentional roots of the problem, but the impact on the recipient is more important than the intention. Gaslighting is a serious form of emotional abuse and recipients should strongly consider seeking professional help to handle the situation.
