What is Gaslighting? What to know about gaslighting and how it can impact relationships

The popularity of the internet meme phrase “gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss” in 2021 brought the term “gaslight” into the zeitgeist. The meme, in conjunction with the trend of armchair psychology on TikTok, allowed conversations about gaslighting to quickly gain traction. Despite what the flippancy with which the phrase is tossed around might lead you to believe, “gaslighting” is a type of emotional abuse. Gaslighting is a “covert type of emotional abuse in which the bully or person who gaslights misleads the recipient, creating a false narrative and making them question their judgments and reality.” Though this abusive dynamic is most often connoted with romantic relationships, it can happen in any type of relationship.

For example, partner A shares with partner B that they are uncomfortable when partner B flirts with people when they go out together, a gaslighting response from partner B may be “I don’t flirt with other people, you’re just being paranoid.” When partner B denies and deflects their behavior, they make partner A doubt their perception of reality, which makes it near impossible to ever have a healthy or productive conversation within this type of dynamic. 

When gaslighting happens repeatedly, the recipient starts to doubt their own memories, perception of reality, and sanity, making them lose self-confidence and become more dependent on the abusive partner. The most insidious part of gaslighting is that making someone doubt their own reality means the recipient will struggle to even recognize when it’s happening. This article will discuss the various forms of gaslighting, how to recognize it, and how to respond when someone denies your experience.

Types of Gaslighting and What to Look Out For

Gaslighting is a name for a general manipulation tactic that all serves the same goal of making the recipient question their reality, but there are different tactics gaslighters use to accomplish this. Understanding the different ways gaslighting appears can help you recognize it easier. Here are some of the ways that gaslighters may engage with people: 

• Denying that certain events happened or certain conversations took place.

• Minimizing and invalidating someone’s needs and requests.

• Isolating the recipient from their support system to solidify the person who gaslights’ control over them. Often achieved by using a veil of apparent support for the recipient by saying something like “I don’t think your friends have your best interests at heart,” falsely positing the person who gaslights as a protector from “harmful” people. 

• Lovebombing. While not exclusive to gaslighting, a general abuse tactic that often shows up in conjunction with gaslighting, is the cycle between abuse and love bombing. Lovebombing is when the person who gaslights showers the recipient in attention and love, usually when the recipient is starting to have doubts about the relationship, to make them want to stay and believe the person who gaslights will change.

• Constantly criticizing the recipient to make them call into question their judgment and ability to accurately assess situations and decisions.

Commonly used phrases by people who engage in gaslighting may include:

• "I never said that."

• "I did that because I love you."

• "You're being overly sensitive."

• "If you loved me, you would..." 

• "You're being delusional."

• "You are just insecure."

• "That never happened.

• "It's not that big a deal."

• "You're just being paranoid." 

A major sign that you might be being gaslit is constantly experiencing confusion, uncertainty, and self-doubt in the context of a relationship. If you suspect you are being gaslit, remember you are not to blame for being the target and when you’re ready, there are steps you can take to address what’s happening.  

How to Respond to Gaslighting 

Once you suspect you are being gaslit, it’s difficult to know how to approach the subject with the person who gaslights and react to the situation overall. Here are some important steps to take:

1. If you are hoping to salvage the relationship, here are some key phrases you can use to inform your conversation with the person gaslighting: 

• “My feelings are valid. I don’t appreciate you telling me I’m too sensitive” 

• “I know what I saw”

• “When I share a concern with you, it’s hurtful when you try to invalidate me instead of trying to engage in a conversation about it”

Before the conversation, internally establish what your goal is and what you want to convey. Be prepared to set boundaries, maintain your ground when it’s called into question, and even walk away if the person is not being receptive.

2. Start documenting, whether through pictures, voice notes, or written notes, the instances that make you suspect you are being gaslit. You can also document your experience of an event that you think might be met with gaslighting in order to have a tangible record of what happened in case it’s denied later by the person who gaslights.

3. Talk to someone trustworthy, ideally who knows both parties involved, to get perspective on the situation and, if they spend time with you often, they might be able to corroborate your recollections that are being denied. 

4. Make a safety plan if you do end up needing to sever ties with the person who gaslights. This might include a list of safe places to stay, emergency contacts, and self-care ideas to help you cope.

5. Speak to a therapist if that’s an accessible option for you. Working with a therapist can help you recognize what’s happening a bit more objectively and help you make a plan on how to handle the situation going forward.

In a healthy relationship, both parties should be open to discussing concerns and hurt feelings without worry that they will be invalidated. If someone you suspect is gaslighting you is not willing to hear out your feelings and acknowledge your reality, it is impossible to have a healthy relationship. There are many reasons someone might gaslight others, including both intentional and unintentional roots of the problem, but the impact on the recipient is more important than the intention. Gaslighting is a serious form of emotional abuse and recipients should strongly consider seeking professional help to handle the situation.         

How to Tell Your Parents You Don’t Want Kids

Even before COVID-19 hit in 2020, the United States’ birth rate has fallen every year since 2007, aside from 2014. The pandemic compounded this trend, with 2020 having the largest single-year drop in number of births in almost 50 years. A 2021 study from Pew Research Center found that 44% of non-parents ages 18-49 report it is unlikely or not at all likely they will have children. 

Between the climate crisis, rampant and rising gun violence, the COVID-19 pandemic, the ever-present wealth gap, or just wanting to enjoy one’s own life untethered to the immense responsibility of being a parent, more and more people are opting to be childfree. 

Though this attitude and choice might seem surprising to some, especially older generations, it is not such a mystery when looking at how challenging, complicated, and demanding our current world is, a state which plagues many young people with a sense of malaise and hopelessness. Despite how justified and understandable the malaise and hopelessness are, there can still be familial pressure to have kids from parents who had hoped to be grandparents. These two opposing perspectives can make for a contentious conversation that is difficult to know how to broach. Even if you are 100% certain that you want to be childfree by choice, justifying that in the face of the traditional mindset that “everyone wants to and should have kids” is not an easy task. Before even starting the conversation, it is important to remember that your decision has been made and your conversation with your family about it is not about convincing them that this is the best decision for you, rather it is an opportunity to share your feelings on the matter.

The specifics of how you approach the conversation will depend on your family dynamic and communication styles so you will need to adjust your approach based on that information, but this article will cover general considerations and strategies to make the conversation as productive as possible.

Think through what their concerns about you being childfree might be 

Some common objections family members may offer to your expression of wanting to be childfree are “is this because of something we did wrong?,” “who will care for you in your old age?,” or “having children was the best thing that happened to me, I don’t want you to miss out.” All three of these are likely rooted in much more complex emotions. Take for instance the question about whether they did something wrong to cause you to feel this way; that question could be rooted in anxiety that it is their fault you do not want to have kids. Being aware of some of their potential reasons for objecting is important in crafting how you approach them and assuage their concerns. Furthermore, understanding the “why” behind their objection can foster your empathy and compassion towards them which will make the conversation easier as well.  

Use “I” statements

Since your parents did make the decision to have kids, they might want to personalize your decision as being about them in some way, like a rejection or criticism of them. When you use “I” language, you are focused on expressing your feelings and what you want, rather than putting them on the defensive. For example, instead of saying “I don’t want to have kids because you traumatized me,” you could try “My mental health and ability to navigate challenging situations that would undoubtedly come up with children makes me feel like it’s not the right choice for me or my hypothetical children.”

Empathize with and respect your parents’ emotions

Many parents look forward to the opportunity to be a grandparent and the loss of this potential future role might cause legitimate grief. Try to remember that you have had time to think over your decision in depth and when you tell your parents for the first time, they will not have had that processing time yet. The initial shock might cause them to react more severely compared to after they have had time to digest it. Try to work with them to give them the space they need to process this news. Their disappointment is not a reason to change your mind, and it is not your responsibility to soothe them, but it is important to be mindful and respectful of their feelings.   

Offer resources about choosing to be childfree if they want to learn more about your choice

If your parents are not very familiar with being childfree by choice, the foreign concept can exacerbate how scary it sounds to them. Offering resources for further learning can show them that you are far from alone in your choice and the explanations might resonate with them more when they come from an author your parents have no emotional attachment to, unlike with you. Here are three recommended texts to share with them: 

• Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on The Decision Not To Have Kids

• I Can Barely Take Care of Myself: Tales From a Happy Life Without Kids

• Beyond Motherhood: Choosing Life Without Children

Hopefully these tips will equip you to have a productive, thoughtful conversation with your parents about your choice to be childfree. Not wanting to have children is a perfectly legitimate and increasingly popular decision. Even if people like your parents disagree with your choice, it is not their prerogative to persuade you otherwise, and you are well within your rights to establish boundaries around the subject if they continually push their feelings onto you. Being surrounded by non-familial support systems is especially important before and after speaking to your parents about it. If you are struggling with preparing for or processing after the conversation, consider reaching out to a therapist.

What To Do When Your Partner Loses Their Erection: 6 Ways to Respond

Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

Intimacy is a vital component of a healthy romantic relationship, and sexual intimacy plays a significant role in many partnerships. However, it's not uncommon for individuals to experience challenges with their sexual health, including erectile dysfunction or difficulties with erections. If you find yourself in a situation where your partner loses their erection, it's important to respond in a supportive and understanding manner.

How do I deal with my partner’s erectile dysfunction? 

Here are some healthy ways to respond when your partner loses their erection:

Practice Compassion and Understanding

Is ED a reason to break up? It's crucial to remember that experiencing difficulties with erections is not uncommon and can happen to anyone. Erection issues can stem from a variety of reasons, including stress, anxiety, fatigue, medical conditions, or simply random occurrences. It's essential to approach the situation with compassion and understanding rather than judgment or frustration. Avoid blaming or shaming your partner, as it can worsen the situation and create emotional distress. Instead, be empathetic and let your partner know that you understand it's a common occurrence and are there to support them.

Communicate Openly and Honestly

So, how do people feel when they can’t get it up? Open communication is vital in any relationship, and it becomes even more crucial when it comes to sexual health. Encourage your partner to communicate openly about their feelings, thoughts, and concerns regarding their lost erection. Listen attentively without interrupting or making assumptions. Avoid making negative comments or belittling their experience. Instead, offer reassurance and express your support. Remember, your partner may already feel embarrassed or disappointed, so it's essential to create a safe space for them to share without fear of judgment. 

Reframe the Situation

When your partner loses their erection, it's easy to interpret it as a failure or a reflection of their attraction to you. However, it's important to reframe the situation and see it as a temporary setback that does not necessarily indicate their feelings for you. Remind yourself and your partner that sexual performance is not the sole measure of intimacy and connection in a relationship. Unless this is communicated, performance anxiety could escalate. Emotional and mental connections are equally important. Shift the focus from the physical act to the emotional bond and intimacy you share and emphasize that you are still connected despite the temporary challenge.

Offer Support or Solutions

You may wonder if a man with erectile dysfunction could ever satisfy a partner. If your partner is open to it, offer support and explore potential solutions together. However, it's important to approach this with sensitivity and respect for your partner's comfort level. Avoid pressuring them or imposing solutions without their consent. Instead, discuss options such as seeing a healthcare professional, trying different sexual activities, or exploring relaxation techniques together. Encourage your partner to seek medical advice if they are concerned about their sexual health, as underlying medical conditions can sometimes affect erectile function. Remind them that seeking help is a sign of strength and not weakness.

Be Patient and Understanding

Your partner is most likely already wondering how to overcome their ED anxiety. Dealing with a partner's lost erection can be frustrating and disappointing, but it's important to remember that patience is key. Avoid expressing frustration, disappointment, or anger towards your partner, as it can exacerbate the situation and create emotional distance. Instead, be understanding and patient. Reassure your partner that you are not disappointed or upset with them and are there to support them through this challenge. Be willing to step back from sexual activities and focus on other forms of intimacy, such as emotional connection, affection, and closeness.

Prioritize Self-Care

Coping with your partner's lost erection can also be emotionally challenging. It's important to prioritize your own self-care during this time. Take care of your emotional and physical well-being, and seek support from trusted friends, family, or a sex therapist. Engage in activities that help you relax and manage stress, such as getting regular exercise, practicing mindfulness, or engaging in hobbies you enjoy. Remember that taking care of yourself allows you to be better equipped to support your partner in a healthy and understanding manner.

Takeaway

Can erectile dysfunction ruin a relationship? Only if you let it. At the end of the day, sexual intimacy is a personal and sensitive aspect of any romantic relationship, and it's important to approach it with kindness, patience, and understanding. By responding healthily and supporting your partner through their challenges with erectile function, you can strengthen your bond, deepen your emotional connection, and foster a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship.

Remember that relationships are built on trust, love, and understanding; facing challenges together can ultimately strengthen your partnership. So, be there for your partner, be understanding, and work together towards finding solutions that work for both of you. With mutual support, empathy, and patience, you can navigate this situation healthily and positively!