Is this the right relationship for you? Here are 3 ways to find out

Even in the most committed relationship, it is normal and healthy to occasionally wonder if it is the right fit. There is unfortunately no checklist or book of rules that ensures the perfect match so it is up to us to assess the relationship. Just because you have doubts doesn’t invalidate your commitment and love for your partner, but it’s important to honestly take into consideration those doubts. There is nothing wrong with wanting to consciously and intentionally ensure that your needs are being taken care of as the relationship progresses.

1) You maintain distinct identities and social lives outside the relationship

When you’re in a comfortable, happy relationship it’s easy and normal to get stuck in a love bubble, especially in the honeymoon phase at the beginning. Once that dissipates though, you should feel as though you have a distinct identity and live outside your partner if it’s a typical healthy relationship. Otherwise, you’ll start to veer into codependent territory which is not good.

2) You feel like you can communicate honestly and openly

Communication is the number one ingredient to a good relationship. If you feel like you have to hide parts of yourself or keep your feelings to yourself, that’s a sign that you should evaluate the relationship. It certainly doesn’t mean the relationship is automatically terrible, just that you might want to be intentional about nurturing the communication aspect.

3) Listen to your gut 

The rose-colored glasses of being in love can often override a nagging feeling in your gut that something is off. Allow yourself to honestly weigh the pros and cons and listen to your intuition about the future of the relationship. This is important at any stage of a relationship but especially after you’ve been together awhile; people change over time so you might want to reassess if the things that attracted you initially are still there. A relationship worth your time will be able to withstand your analysis with flying colors.

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It’s important to note that there will never be a one size fits all checklist for whether or not a relationship is “good.” Furthermore, beyond the quantifiable qualities, there are indescribable aspects that contribute to satisfaction as well. At the end of the day, the best you can do is trust your heart and listen to your gut; articles like this can be good guidelines, but should not be the final say on the future of your relationship. These are simply some green flags to look out for. If you are worried about whether or not your relationship is a good fit, consider working with a relationship therapist to talk through your concerns with a qualified professional.

Why Do We Prioritize Romantic Over Platonic Love?

American society is obsessed with romantic love. From romantic comedies dominating box offices to holidays like Valentine’s Day to societal expectations of marriage as the ultimate goal, there is no shortage of conditioning to make people believe romantic love is more valuable and superior to platonic love. 

The philosopher Elizabeth Brake coined the term “amatonormativity” which, as defined in her book Minimizing Marriage: Marriage, Morality, and the Law, “refers to “the assumptions that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types.” The narrative that one is not complete without a lifelong, monogamous, and (ideally, in the eyes of society) heterosexual romantic partnership is enforced around every corner. This leads to people who don’t want that or can’t find that to feel defective.

In reality, there is nothing inherently more valuable about romantic love. When pressed, it’s tough to even put into words the actual distinction between romantic and platonic love. Some people might say it’s the physical intimacy, but what about people who can’t have sex but desire a romantic relationship for a variety of reasons like asexuality or depression or a physical limitation related to having sex? Are those people and their romantic connections any less valid? Of course not. Frankly, there is not a single satisfactory answer for what differentiates romantic relationships from platonic ones because it’s such a personal experience.

The tricky part of defining the differences between types of relationships is the disconnect between the breadth of the English language and the internal experience of emotions, which vary from person to person. How do you universally define a feeling? You can’t really, and when you try, that’s how people end up feeling excluded when their experience doesn’t align with the socially-enforced expectations they’ve internalized.

Contrary to what American society expects and conditions us to think, romantic and platonic love are simply different and neither is better nor worse. Romance does not have to be a part of your social life in order to feel fulfilled and loved.

This conversation is further complicated by feelings that don’t fit into either the traditional “romantic” or “platonic” definitions of relationships. There are queerplatonic relationships, sexual relationships without a romantic or platonic element, and purely aesthetic attraction, to name a few examples outside the romantic/platonic binary. With the nuances and intricacies of human emotion, it makes sense that a simple binary couldn’t possibly encapsulate the realm of possibility for relationship forms. There are more options open to us than societal conditioning has led us to believe. 

The bottom line is that you should navigate your relationships and prioritizing them however feels right to you, your needs, and your loved ones. There is nothing wrong with being happy as a single person or prioritizing fulfillment in other areas of your life over romance, like friendships. Just because society is telling you that in order to feel fulfilled you need a romantic partner does not make it true.

Curious About Differences in Desire? Here Are 3 Tips to Address Desire Discrepancy

Desire discrepancy is when the libidos of people in a relationship do not align. The two types of libido are responsive and spontaneous which differ in how your desire for sex is initiated. People with responsive desire experience physical arousal before mental desire, whereas those with spontaneous desire experience mental desire first and then the physical arousal. Mental desire is being turned on in your mind and wanting (either hypothetically or literally) sexual stimulation, while physical arousal manifests in your body such as getting an erection.

This binary of responsive versus spontaneous is helpful for understanding how one’s personal experience of libido compares relative to others; however, that is not to say that this type of libido is fixed or exists strictly in black or white. While many people do tend towards one or the other, libido is flexible and can change with time, age, relationship status, and more. Neither type is better or worse, nor anything that needs to be fixed, but having this information about oneself can be helpful in successfully navigating a healthy sex life.

Though there is nothing inherently wrong with either type, it of course can be frustrating if your desire type doesn’t align with the person/people you’re having sex with. This is what we call desire discrepancy. If this is something you’re struggling with, consider some of these approaches:

Explore non-sexual intimacy

• Physical intimacy can take many, many forms and getting creative is a good way to feel more physically connected with your sexual partner(s). Massages, cuddling, backscratching, and hugging are all great options for non-sexual physical touch.

Consider an open relationship

• If you’re in a monogamous relationship and therefore only have sex with your partner, desire discrepancy can be a major obstacle to sexual satisfaction. Opening up your relationship is a much bigger deal than just saying you want to, but it could be a good option in instances where desire discrepancy is the root of major tension in the relationship. Here is an Embrace Sexual Wellness article that goes into detail about how to open a monogamous relationship.

Talk to a sex therapist (either as an individual or as a relationship)

• Sex therapists are an amazing resource for sorting through sexual obstacles like desire discrepancy. They have knowledge about potential root causes of someone’s libido type, how to diffuse tension related to desire discrepancy, and creative problem solving that takes everyone’s needs into account. Working with a dedicated therapist also has the capacity to increase empathy on all sides, improving communication overall. If you live in Illinois, reach out to Embrace Sexual Wellness for a consultation.

Desire discrepancy does not mean anyone is at fault and will require patience and empathy on all sides to work through. This issue, like all other relationship issues, isn’t person versus person; it’s you all against the problem.