3 Tips for Creating a Healthy Relationship

Healthy relationships are built, not automatic. Creating and maintaining a healthy relationship takes intentional effort. Yet, many people lack the knowledge and skills to build this kind of relationship because it is not usually explicitly taught. This lack of knowledge can lead to common pitfalls, miscommunication, and unmet needs, jeopardizing the relationship's health. This article will cover critical practices for creating and maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.  

1. Prioritize communication

Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. It is nearly impossible to maintain a healthy connection without the ability to express boundaries, preferences, and disagreements. Regular, open dialogue helps to build a foundation of trust and understanding. When all partners feel heard and valued, they can constructively approach issues together. Sharing thoughts and feelings is the best way to develop a deeper connection. With healthy communication, you can tackle almost any problem that comes your way as a team. 

How to communicate effectively

• Avoid yelling, passive aggression, and the (unexplained) silent treatment. If you need to, take a step back and use emotional regulation techniques until you are ready to have an effective conversation.

• Focus on approaching the problem at hand as a team rather than thinking of your partner as an opponent.

• Speak from the "I" perspective and how you are feeling instead of attacking your partner.

2. Develop emotional responsiveness 

A plethora of scientific research discuss how emotional responsiveness is fundamental to long-term relationship satisfaction. Emotional responsiveness is the ongoing, mutual maintenance of an emotional connection. Partners who are emotionally responsive tend to feel more secure and report a stronger relationship overall. Three key components of emotional responsiveness are accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement. Accessibility means that partners are open with each other even during moments of distress. Responsiveness means that partners are in tune with each others' emotions and respond in a validating way. Finally, engagement is giving special attention to your partner. If you want to evaluate emotional responsiveness in your relationship, check out Dr. Sue Johnson’s questionnaire.

How to cultivate emotional responsiveness

• Check in with your partner about the best way to support them during times of distress.

• Make consistent small gestures like buying your partner flowers or doing the dishes after they have had a long day to remind them that you are thinking of them.

• Reinforce the security of the relationship verbally, with physical affection, or acts of service when possible.

3. Clearly state your boundaries

Boundaries determine what is and is not okay within a relationship and are a vital part of any relationship. Not everyone knows how to set boundaries or even know what boundaries they need in the first place, so the first step is to figure out what you do and do not want and need. Effective communication helps your partner understand your boundaries; if they fail to respect your boundaries, that is a red flag. Truly supportive people who are invested in your well-being will be grateful for the guidance and respect your needs.

How to set boundaries

• Be as clear and straightforward as possible, and try not to let discomfort interfere with establishing boundaries

• Habitually check in with your partner about their boundaries and avoid making assumptions about their boundaries 

• Make a plan ahead of time for handling boundary violations 

TLDR

Creating a healthy relationship is not a destination but a continuous journey that requires maintenance. The journey is not always easy, but its challenges present the opportunity for growth and a deeper connection. If you want more relationship support along the way, consider reaching out to a relationship therapist.

What to Know Before Sharing Sexual Fantasies With a Partner

Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

Fantasies are a natural part of human sexuality. They can be exciting, fulfilling, and even play a crucial role in maintaining a healthy and satisfying intimate relationship. However, sharing your fantasies with a partner can be a delicate matter. In this blog, we will explore the intricacies of sharing fantasies, addressing the questions of whether you should tell your partner about your fantasies, the best ways to open up to your partner, and how to deal with obsessive sexual thoughts. We'll also emphasize the importance of understanding that fantasies are not necessarily a reflection of unmet sexual needs or dissatisfaction.

Fantasy Is Not Reality

Before we dive into the details of sharing fantasies, it's essential to understand that what makes a fantasy a fantasy is precisely that it is not reality. Fantasies are products of our imagination, shaped by desires, curiosities, and the freedom to explore scenarios that may never come to fruition in our daily lives. Some are even impossible to play out in real life. Importantly, fantasies do not inherently indicate any deficiencies in our sexual relationships or unfulfilled needs. Embracing this concept can alleviate any anxieties you may have about sharing your fantasies and help you appreciate them as a unique aspect of your sexuality.

Should I Tell My Partner About My Fantasy?

The decision to share your fantasies with your partner is a personal one and depends on various factors including your level of comfort, trust, and the nature of your relationship. Here are some tips to help you decide:

Assess Trust and Communication Strength 

A strong foundation of trust and open communication is vital in any relationship. If you feel safe and secure with your partner, sharing your fantasies can enhance intimacy and deepen your connection.

Engage in Mutual Exploration

Sharing fantasies can be an exciting way to explore each other's desires and deepen your sexual connection. It can lead to discovering shared interests and preferences, which can improve your overall sexual satisfaction.

Respect One Another’s Boundaries

It's crucial to respect your partner's boundaries. Not everyone is comfortable hearing about explicit fantasies, so approach the conversation with sensitivity. Gauge their reaction and be prepared to stop or adjust the conversation if they seem uncomfortable.

Center Consent

Always ensure that any fantasies you wish to explore involve consensual activities. Consent is paramount in any sexual exploration, so that all partners can feel comfortable and enthusiastic about trying new things.

How do I Share my Fantasies with my Partner?

Sharing your fantasies with your partner can be a fulfilling experience if done with care and consideration. Here's a step-by-step guide on how to approach this conversation.

1. Choose the Right Time and Place.

Find a quiet, private setting where both you and your partner can feel relaxed and comfortable. Timing matters too. Avoid discussing sensitive topics during arguments or stressful moments. During these moments, you or your partner may be emotionally flooded and find it difficult to navigate the topic in a way that feels good to both of you.

2. Express Your Desires Clearly.

Clearly and honestly communicate your fantasies. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and desires without placing blame or pressure on your partner. Remember that the point of this is to share your desires, not to project guilt onto your partner for not meeting these previously uncommunicated needs. If your partner feels blame and pressure coming from you, it could work against your hopes for being understood and may inhibit future conversations.

3. Listen Actively.

Encourage your partner to share their thoughts and feelings about your fantasies. Active listening fosters understanding and empathy, making it easier to find common ground.

4. Stay Open to Feedback.

Your partner may have their own fantasies, ideas, or reactions. Be receptive to their input and consider how you can mutually explore new experiences together. It can be vulnerable to share your innermost sexual desires. If they respond by sharing their own desires, be prepared to respond to them in a way that you would hope they respond to you. Curiosity keeps doors open, judgment and reactivity tend to close them.

5. Take It Slow.

Don't rush into acting on your fantasies. Take your time to build trust and ensure both you and your partner are comfortable with any new experiences.

How Do I Address Obsessive Thoughts About Fantasies?

While fantasies are a healthy part of human sexuality, they can sometimes become obsessive or intrusive. Here are some strategies to manage obsessive thoughts about your fantasies:

Self-Reflect

Take some time to reflect on the nature of your fantasies. Are they causing distress or interfering with your daily life? Are they getting in the way of completing work or other day-to-day functioning? Understanding your own feelings and their impact on your functioning can be the first step in addressing obsessive thoughts.

Seek Professional Help

If obsessive thoughts about your fantasies are causing you significant distress or affecting your mental health, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and support tailored to your specific situation.

Communicate Clearly

If you feel comfortable, discuss your obsessive thoughts with your partner. They may offer emotional support and understanding, helping you alleviate any concerns.

Engage in Mindfulness or Distraction

Engaging in mindfulness techniques or distracting activities when obsessive thoughts arise can be effective in managing them. Redirect your focus to the present moment or immerse yourself in a different activity.

Takeaway

Sharing fantasies with your partner can be a rewarding journey that deepens your intimacy and connection. Approach the conversation with sensitivity and prioritize open communication. The beauty of fantasy lies in its divergence from reality. Remember that your fantasies are a part of your individuality, not a reflection of any inadequacies in your relationship. By sharing your fantasies, you may discover new dimensions to your intimacy and embark on exciting adventures together. 

How to Manage Family Pressure During the Holiday Season

It is hard to believe that the holiday season is just around the corner. The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of unfettered joy but it can also bring about significant stress and pressure, especially when it comes to spending an elongated period with family. Whether that is due to intrusive questions, unsupportive attitudes towards lifestyle and identity, complex interpersonal dynamics, or some combination of factors, dealing with family drama can quickly become overwhelming. In this article, we will explore practical tips on how to manage family stress and maintain your wellbeing so you can enjoy yourself to the fullest extent possible.

How do you deal with family pressure during the holidays?

Set clear boundaries beforehand

Boundaries are important year-round, but especially when you anticipate spending extra time together. Boundaries typically fall into the following categories: physical, time, conversational, content, emotional, material, and sexual and there are plenty of resources that dive deeper into what those look like and how to communicate them.  

Create an escape plan

Having the option to get away, even temporarily, can relieve some of the pressure because you know you have a way out if all goes wrong. Maybe this means going on a walk, finding a quiet room to decompress (and, if necessary, asking the host ahead of time which room you can use), volunteering to run an errand, or asking a friend if you can hang out with them if you need to leave entirely. 

Cope ahead

Coping ahead entails preparing ahead of time for an anticipated stressor so you do not need to scramble to figure out how to help yourself in the stressful moment itself. A great resource is a portable “coping kit;” the contents will vary from person to person but the goal is to equip yourself with tools to help you keep your cool. Some ideas for what to include in a coping kit are something that smells nice (e.g., an herbal sachet), a fidget toy, a photo that makes you happy, and something you can taste like candy or gum.      

Prepare (your response) ahead of time

If there are sensitive, tense subjects that your family often brings up such as your relationship status, family planning decisions, eating habits, or your identity, it is wise to plan how you might respond to them. Here’s an example of what you could say: “I know you do not mean harm, but talking about [insert topic] makes me uncomfortable. If I am ready to broach that topic with you in the future, I will. I would ask that you refrain from bringing it up until that time. If you continue to try to speak about it with me, I will need to remove myself from the conversation [or insert alternative here].”  

Lean on supportive individuals

In advance of the event, identify family members or friends who are empathetic and understanding. Ideally, this is someone who will also be at the gathering, but it is helpful to have someone available digitally as well. Give that person a heads up that you may need to rely on them a bit more than usual on whatever date(s) and how they can best support you. The advantage of arranging this in advance is that they can let you know if that is doable for them and so you both know what exactly would be helpful. 

Distinguish between tension versus a toxic environment

There are sometimes hazy lines between typical family stress and a toxic, abusive environment. There is so much societal pressure and expectation to endlessly put up with family simply because they are family. Often, survivors are accused of being unkind or ungrateful for walking away. There is nothing wrong with deciding that spending time with family hurts you more than helps you, and that you do not want to attend gatherings at all. Your priority is to protect yourself and your wellbeing, even if that means distance from family.  

TLDR 

The holiday season can be a challenging time when it comes to family pressure and stress. Intrusive questions and difficult relatives on top of the logistical stress of organizing and partaking in an event can take a toll on mental wellbeing. By setting boundaries, making a coping plan, and relying on your support network, you can empower yourself to handle these challenges more effectively.