#erotica #arousal #relationships

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What to Know Before Sharing Sexual Fantasies With a Partner

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Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

Fantasies are a natural part of human sexuality. They can be exciting, fulfilling, and even play a crucial role in maintaining a healthy and satisfying intimate relationship. However, sharing your fantasies with a partner can be a delicate matter. In this blog, we will explore the intricacies of sharing fantasies, addressing the questions of whether you should tell your partner about your fantasies, the best ways to open up to your partner, and how to deal with obsessive sexual thoughts. We'll also emphasize the importance of understanding that fantasies are not necessarily a reflection of unmet sexual needs or dissatisfaction.

Fantasy Is Not Reality

Before we dive into the details of sharing fantasies, it's essential to understand that what makes a fantasy a fantasy is precisely that it is not reality. Fantasies are products of our imagination, shaped by desires, curiosities, and the freedom to explore scenarios that may never come to fruition in our daily lives. Some are even impossible to play out in real life. Importantly, fantasies do not inherently indicate any deficiencies in our sexual relationships or unfulfilled needs. Embracing this concept can alleviate any anxieties you may have about sharing your fantasies and help you appreciate them as a unique aspect of your sexuality.

Should I Tell My Partner About My Fantasy?

The decision to share your fantasies with your partner is a personal one and depends on various factors including your level of comfort, trust, and the nature of your relationship. Here are some tips to help you decide:

Assess Trust and Communication Strength 

A strong foundation of trust and open communication is vital in any relationship. If you feel safe and secure with your partner, sharing your fantasies can enhance intimacy and deepen your connection.

Engage in Mutual Exploration

Sharing fantasies can be an exciting way to explore each other's desires and deepen your sexual connection. It can lead to discovering shared interests and preferences, which can improve your overall sexual satisfaction.

Respect One Another’s Boundaries

It's crucial to respect your partner's boundaries. Not everyone is comfortable hearing about explicit fantasies, so approach the conversation with sensitivity. Gauge their reaction and be prepared to stop or adjust the conversation if they seem uncomfortable.

Center Consent

Always ensure that any fantasies you wish to explore involve consensual activities. Consent is paramount in any sexual exploration, so that all partners can feel comfortable and enthusiastic about trying new things.

How do I Share my Fantasies with my Partner?

Sharing your fantasies with your partner can be a fulfilling experience if done with care and consideration. Here's a step-by-step guide on how to approach this conversation.

1. Choose the Right Time and Place.

Find a quiet, private setting where both you and your partner can feel relaxed and comfortable. Timing matters too. Avoid discussing sensitive topics during arguments or stressful moments. During these moments, you or your partner may be emotionally flooded and find it difficult to navigate the topic in a way that feels good to both of you.

2. Express Your Desires Clearly.

Clearly and honestly communicate your fantasies. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and desires without placing blame or pressure on your partner. Remember that the point of this is to share your desires, not to project guilt onto your partner for not meeting these previously uncommunicated needs. If your partner feels blame and pressure coming from you, it could work against your hopes for being understood and may inhibit future conversations.

3. Listen Actively.

Encourage your partner to share their thoughts and feelings about your fantasies. Active listening fosters understanding and empathy, making it easier to find common ground.

4. Stay Open to Feedback.

Your partner may have their own fantasies, ideas, or reactions. Be receptive to their input and consider how you can mutually explore new experiences together. It can be vulnerable to share your innermost sexual desires. If they respond by sharing their own desires, be prepared to respond to them in a way that you would hope they respond to you. Curiosity keeps doors open, judgment and reactivity tend to close them.

5. Take It Slow.

Don't rush into acting on your fantasies. Take your time to build trust and ensure both you and your partner are comfortable with any new experiences.

How Do I Address Obsessive Thoughts About Fantasies?

While fantasies are a healthy part of human sexuality, they can sometimes become obsessive or intrusive. Here are some strategies to manage obsessive thoughts about your fantasies:

Self-Reflect

Take some time to reflect on the nature of your fantasies. Are they causing distress or interfering with your daily life? Are they getting in the way of completing work or other day-to-day functioning? Understanding your own feelings and their impact on your functioning can be the first step in addressing obsessive thoughts.

Seek Professional Help

If obsessive thoughts about your fantasies are causing you significant distress or affecting your mental health, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and support tailored to your specific situation.

Communicate Clearly

If you feel comfortable, discuss your obsessive thoughts with your partner. They may offer emotional support and understanding, helping you alleviate any concerns.

Engage in Mindfulness or Distraction

Engaging in mindfulness techniques or distracting activities when obsessive thoughts arise can be effective in managing them. Redirect your focus to the present moment or immerse yourself in a different activity.

Takeaway

Sharing fantasies with your partner can be a rewarding journey that deepens your intimacy and connection. Approach the conversation with sensitivity and prioritize open communication. The beauty of fantasy lies in its divergence from reality. Remember that your fantasies are a part of your individuality, not a reflection of any inadequacies in your relationship. By sharing your fantasies, you may discover new dimensions to your intimacy and embark on exciting adventures together. 

Audio Erotica: What Is It And How Is It Different From Porn?

We live in a time of major porn variety, where the options seem endless. One option has been gaining popularity over the last few years – especially during the early days of the pandemic – and doesn’t appear to be slowing down: audio erotica. Audio erotica is a great alternative to visual porn methods, as evidenced by the multitude of companies focusing on audio established recently. People can have many reasons for switching up their porn consumption methods, especially now that ethical porn is more sought out.

This style of porn is unique in more than one way. Aside from being a fairly new way for porn consumers to switch up sexual routine, listening to rather than looking at porn allows you to practice “mental framing” - scene conjuring and visualization - to get turned on. Anyone can use mental framing, though according to a 2018 study by sex education platform OMGYes and The Kinsey Institute, 90% of women are more likely to use it to imagine sexual fantasies. Even so, audio erotica is great for men and other genders as well as women.

For people of color, trans, fat, and disabled folks – anyone who isn’t traditionally represented in mainstream porn, including those with body image issues – audio erotica is a helpful non-visual alternative. Using your imagination purely to visualize a scene takes away distractions and makes inserting yourself into whatever fantasy you are looking for a whole lot easier. 

Some even say audio porn is better for your brain, since there are no blue screens or eye strain, cutting down screen time and exposure to blue light.

Accessibility is a major benefit of audio erotica. Visually impaired people and those with chronic migraines, which can often be triggered by screens, have few options for porn. Even though sites like PornHub have “described video” add-ons, the selection leaves much to be desired. The fact is that slapping automated video descriptions onto visually driven porn can often miss the mark - but audio and online erotica focuses all its energy on a full-bodied sensory experience. Just like ethical visual porn, there are some groundbreakers in the audio porn industry, and it’s thankfully becoming easier to find a creator that scratches an itch.

Here are three erotica sites on the market today, all of which come with free trials or entirely free sections:

  1. Dipsea is arguably the most well-known audio erotica fiction app, with over 5.2 million listens in 2022 and hundreds of stories to choose from. Founded in 2017, Dipsea kicked off a wave of earworm erotica (catchy and popular audio porn) and is notable for featuring queer stories voiced by actual queer voice actors, including their first non-binary actor last year.

  2. BLOOM features different genres like “Dirty Talk” and “Play Sessions,” in which a voice actor talks directly to the listener and walks them through masturbation guides, respectively. An app is currently in development and due to be up sometime this year, but until then, their website has a wide variety of options.

    3. Quinn, founded by Snapchat CEO’s sister Caroline Spiegel, has gotten a lot of buzz lately for their celeb voice actors (most notably, Jesse Williams from Grey’s Anatomy). Quinn’s structure is extremely user-friendly, with easily navigated playlists and actor pages so that listeners can get the most out of their favorite erotic stories.

With audio erotica, spending the extra minute to look through options can make a world of difference! All of the companies listed above are woman-owned and ethical sources to keep your sexual wellness in top shape. If you’ve never tried audio erotica before, Dipsea, BLOOM, and Quinn are excellent places to start your journey and get comfortable with new and different sensations - you can even share stories with partners and learn more about each other’s turn-ons.

Want to read more about erotica and fantasies? Check out our blogs on sharing erotica with partners and finding ethical porn. Keeping your sexual health habits interesting with audio porn is great for your mind and body - just one more option for maintaining lifelong sexual wellness.

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4 Benefits of Sharing Erotica with a Partner

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“Erotica” is any sexually explicit literary or artistic work. It can be a great tool for exploring sexual interests alone or with a partner/partners. Erotica can be a book, a short story, an audio clip, a drawing, and beyond. Whatever you’re into, there’s erotica about it. Beyond being a fun addition to masturbating, there are several benefits to sharing erotica with a partner/partners. Erotica can…

  1. Teach you what is exciting for you and your partner 

    Regardless of how familiar you are with your sexual interests, erotica is a great way to increase your imagination about what pleasure looks like for you. Additionally, if you struggle to talk about what you like in bed, you can share a piece of erotica to explain what you mean instead. 

  2. Create more sexual and emotional intimacy 

    Sharing sexual desires is a vulnerable act. Being vulnerable with your partner(s) is one of the best ways to foster emotional intimacy and connection. 

  3. Provide inspiration 

    Whether you’re still in the honeymoon phase or you’ve been with your partner(s) for years, there’s always room to improve your sex life. Maybe there’s a fantasy you’d love to act out, or a fetish you want to try; it might be difficult to find and/or share the words to describe your sexual fantasies and interests, which is where having an exemplar is a great communication tool. Sharing erotica with your partner(s) that resonated with you provides valuable insight about what you like in bed. 

  4. Normalize erotica's impact on arousal

    Unfortunately, we have all been societally conditioned to regard sexuality as taboo even if one’s independent values don’t align with that designation. This means that you might logically understand there is nothing shameful about sexual desire, it can still feel hard to share something you’ve been conditioned to keep private like a piece of erotica you like. The more you talk about it and share with your partner, the more normal it will feel. 

Erotica is a great tool to incorporate into your relationship(s). If you’re interested in exploring erotica, there are some great resources below. Happy reading, listening and sharing! 

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