Deciding whether or not you want to raise a child is one of the most important decisions one ever has to make. For some, their answer is an obvious yes or no, but others struggle to reach a clear conclusion. It makes sense to feel lost trying to navigate this topic! Having children completely changes your life in ways you cannot fully anticipate or plan for until it actually happens. Feeling conflicted is an indication that you understand the gravity and stakes of the decision, and that is ultimately a good thing.
Acknowledging and exploring these mixed emotions can facilitate a more informed and confident decision in the end, as difficult as it may be. This article aims to provide insight for how to evaluate whether you want a child and navigate any ambivalence about parenthood. At the end of the day, keep in mind that this is a personal decision with no one-size-fits-all approach or answer.
Practice ample self-reflection.
There are many considerations to factor into this decision that deserve your attention. Self-reflection can take the form of journaling, silently thinking to yourself, talking through your thoughts, or some combination of these forms.
Here are a few guiding questions for your self-reflection:
Can I afford to raise a child?
What kind of support would I have from family, friends and the other parent?
Will I be able to provide a healthy and loving home environment for a child?
How would having a child affect my career?
Would I want to have a child biologically, medically, or through adoption?
Do I feel pressured to have kids and would I feel shame for not having kids?
Am I in a place to put another person’s needs and wants before your own even when that means sacrificing time, money, and energy?
Would I be okay with raising a child regardless of who they turn out to be? Am I ready to accept that my hypothetical child could be disabled or queer, for example, and could I love them anyway?
Accept that you may second-guess your decision even after making one.
Even if you are 99% confident in your decision, that 1% can be stubborn. With any major decision, especially since you can never know what your life would look like if you had made a different decision, that little voice of doubt may emerge from time to time.
The important thing to remember is that the only thing you have full control over is believing that you will be okay no matter what and that you can find happiness and fulfillment in life regardless of your decision. Accepting and internalizing that you will be okay regardless is no easy feat, but it can alleviate some of the pressure you are putting on yourself to get it right beyond a shadow of a doubt. Of course you hope to choose what is right for you and your life, but you cannot predict the future. Remember, you only have control over your reaction to what life throws at you. If you are grappling with intense doubt and your distress, consider working with a therapist to navigate these complex feelings.
Communicate openly with your partner.
If you have a partner in the mix, it is crucial to share your thoughts with them since this decision would likely affect them too. At the end of the day, whether or not you want children is a decision only you can make. A partner is important to involve in your thought process but you should be cautious of letting their feelings override your own. If you and your partner end up feeling differently about having children, you will need to figure out whether your relationship or your feelings about having kids is more important to you.
Talk to trusted loved ones.
Your loved ones know you best in this world and they can help you process your complicated feelings and reflect back to you their observations as a third party. It is even better if you can speak to other parents around your age who can tell you about their experience. Naturally, their version of parenthood is unique to them but the more insight you can gain into parenthood, the better to inform your decision making process.
The bottom line
The process of deciding whether or not you want to be a parent is full of doubts, uncertainties, and emotions. Simply wanting to delve deeply into yourself to thoughtfully reach a decision is a fantastic start to the decision process. Give yourself the grace to be uncertain and to feel conflicting emotions. They are natural parts of the process and shaming yourself for them only serves to delay and complicate your self-reflection.While articles and books may offer general advice and guidance, there is no definitive or empirically proven way to arrive at a conclusion. If it feels too big and too overwhelming to navigate alone, consider reaching out to a therapist who can help you along the way.
