Practice ample self-reflection.

There are many considerations to factor into this decision that deserve your attention. Self-reflection can take the form of journaling, silently thinking to yourself, talking through your thoughts, or some combination of these forms.

Here are a few guiding questions for your self-reflection:

Can I afford to raise a child?

What kind of support would I have from family, friends and the other parent?

Will I be able to provide a healthy and loving home environment for a child?

How would having a child affect my career?

Would I want to have a child biologically, medically, or through adoption?

Do I feel pressured to have kids and would I feel shame for not having kids?

Am I in a place to put another person’s needs and wants before your own even when that means sacrificing time, money, and energy?

Would I be okay with raising a child regardless of who they turn out to be? Am I ready to accept that my hypothetical child could be disabled or queer, for example, and could I love them anyway?

Accept that you may second-guess your decision even after making one.

Even if you are 99% confident in your decision, that 1% can be stubborn. With any major decision, especially since you can never know what your life would look like if you had made a different decision, that little voice of doubt may emerge from time to time.

The important thing to remember is that the only thing you have full control over is believing that you will be okay no matter what and that you can find happiness and fulfillment in life regardless of your decision. Accepting and internalizing that you will be okay regardless is no easy feat, but it can alleviate some of the pressure you are putting on yourself to get it right beyond a shadow of a doubt. Of course you hope to choose what is right for you and your life, but you cannot predict the future. Remember, you only have control over your reaction to what life throws at you. If you are grappling with intense doubt and your distress, consider working with a therapist to navigate these complex feelings.

Communicate openly with your partner.

If you have a partner in the mix, it is crucial to share your thoughts with them since this decision would likely affect them too. At the end of the day, whether or not you want children is a decision only you can make. A partner is important to involve in your thought process but you should be cautious of letting their feelings override your own. If you and your partner end up feeling differently about having children, you will need to figure out whether your relationship or your feelings about having kids is more important to you.

Talk to trusted loved ones.

Your loved ones know you best in this world and they can help you process your complicated feelings and reflect back to you their observations as a third party. It is even better if you can speak to other parents around your age who can tell you about their experience. Naturally, their version of parenthood is unique to them but the more insight you can gain into parenthood, the better to inform your decision making process.

The bottom line

The process of deciding whether or not you want to be a parent is full of doubts, uncertainties, and emotions. Simply wanting to delve deeply into yourself to thoughtfully reach a decision is a fantastic start to the decision process. Give yourself the grace to be uncertain and to feel conflicting emotions. They are natural parts of the process and shaming yourself for them only serves to delay and complicate your self-reflection.While articles and books may offer general advice and guidance, there is no definitive or empirically proven way to arrive at a conclusion. If it feels too big and too overwhelming to navigate alone, consider reaching out to a therapist who can help you along the way.

Having a miscarriage can be devastating in a way that is often lonely. In the wake of a miscarriage, it is common to feel disconnected from your partner and even from yourself. The emotional healing process is unique for each individual and couple. Everyone experiences grief differently, but whatever feelings you are grappling with, they are valid. It takes time to heal from such a loss, but there are ways you can care for yourself and your relationship that can make it a little more manageable. In this article, we will discuss how to heal after a miscarriage, ways to cope with associated relationship stressors, and how to reconnect with your partner.

Managing Grief

It is normal to experience a rollercoaster of emotions following a miscarriage. You might experience sadness, numbness, anger, guilt, and shock. It can be uncomfortable to sit with these feelings, but the only way to get through it is to experience it. On top of that, physical changes and volatile hormones complicate the experience of the formerly pregnant person even further. However, all partners in the relationship, regardless of whether or not they were pregnant, will likely experience some form of grief. There is no universal experience of grief, and therefore no universal way to cope. Here are some tips as you figure out how to best process your grief.

Resist the urge to isolate

Sometimes depression makes people want to isolate themselves from their community. While it is certainly easier said than done to resist depression-fueled urges, it is important to make your best effor to stay connected to loved ones. If it is too hard to initiate social contact, consider asking friends and family to check on you regularly and to be more mindful of making consistent plans with you.

Accept support

If at all possible, do not rush back into your typical life, especially if you are still physically healing. Productive rest and healing is more possible when you allow yourself to be cared for. While it makes sense that this may be uncomfortable or make you feel guilty, the people who love you want to be helpful. There is not much they can say or do to lighten your emotional load, but accepting their help with practical tasks will allow you more time and energy to process your emotions.

Seek professional help

Grief and depression are powerful forces, and even if you do everything “right” to cope, it might still feel insurmountable. In these instances, you need to seek professional help, in the form of a moderated support group and/or a therapist.

How to reconnect with a partner after miscarriage

Since grieving is different for each person, it can lead to potential relationship stressors. For example, one partner might want to process externally by talking about their feelings, while the other finds talking about it more distressing than productive. It is common to feel disconnected from your partner in the aftermath, but there are ways you can try to reconnect. Try not to make any permanent decisions about the relationship dynamic during this time, as grief and depression can distort your true feelings. Here are some ways to reconnect:

Communicate your feelings

Though it can be uncomfortable to talk about such challenging emotions, it is important to be transparent with each other about what you are experiencing and what you need to facilitate your healing process. Even if you feel unable to express the full extent of your emotions, any communication you can manage is better than none at all. A lack of communication creates emotional distance in a relationship; this is not a you versus your partner(s) circumstance, it is you and your partner against the grief. Try to keep this in mind and practice empathy towards your partner’s experience even if it differs from your own.

Seek counseling

Couples therapy offers a safe space to express and process your emotions. Strong emotions might cloud your ability to express yourself productively and a therapist can help you find mutual understanding more easily.

Schedule quality time

During a stressful time, it is more important than ever to be intentional about spending time together to maintain your connection. This does not need to be anything fancy or elaborate but ideally it should be a shared positive experience. Accumulating positive experiences is a powerful tool for creating a buffer against your negative emotions.

Getting Pregnant Again

The good news is that 85% of people who experience pregnancy loss go on to have healthy pregnancies if they choose to try again. If you want to try to conceive again, try to hold off until everyone in the relationship is at a point in their healing journey where they feel ready to do so. Medically speaking, it is best to wait until you have physically and emotionally recovered to embark on a new pregnancy. Physically, some people may be ready to get pregnant as soon as two weeks following a miscarriage, but that will heavily depend on your body and how it is healing, as well as any procedures that may have accompanied the miscarriage. Consult your doctor for the most accurate, personalized advice for when you should try to get pregnant again.

What if I feel anxious about trying again?

It is natural and expected to feel anxious or scared when you are trying to get pregnant and when you do get pregnant after a miscarriage. This might make enjoying your pregnancy difficult. Consider talking to your partner and/or other trusted loved ones so you do not have to carry the weight of the anxiety alone. You can also speak to your doctor about how to maximize your chances of a successful pregnancy which may serve to alleviate some anxiety as well.

Takeaway

In the wake of a miscarriage, the emotional toll can be overwhelming. Grief is a natural response to pregnancy loss, and it can manifest in myriad ways. It is crucial to acknowledge and experience these feelings, though they can be uncomfortable to sit with. Healing after a miscarriage takes time and patience. If you are unsure of the best way to process your emotions, seek professional support and extra care from your support network.

How to Figure out if you Want Kids: Tips for Navigating Ambivalence About Parenthood