Things to Know If Your Partner Is Asexual (And You Aren’t)

Asexuality is often a misunderstood sexual orientation. An asexual person does not experience sexual attraction. This does not necessarily mean they do not have sex or do not want a romantic relationship. Asexuality is a spectrum, so some asexual people still have sex for reasons other than attraction, such as enjoying the attention, while others are sex averse and do not want to engage in any form of sex. Distinct from asexuality, aromantic people do not experience romantic attraction or desire. Sometimes asexual people are also aromantic, but not always. Asexual people who do want a romantic relationship may be wary of becoming involved with an allosexual (someone who does experience sexual attraction) due to the mismatch in sexual needs. This article will discuss how to make a mixed-orientation relationship work, because it is possible! 

How to make a relationship work if your partner is asexual (and you aren’t)

Seek mutual understanding

When there is a discrepancy in wants, needs, and experiences between partners, it is important to have an open and honest dialogue about each others’ experiences. For the allosexual partner, understand that asexuality is not a personal jab, nor a choice. For the asexual partner, understand that whether or not sex is an important facet of feeling fulfilled for you, it may be for your partner. Just because someone is asexual does not mean that they never have sex. Being on the same page regarding willingness to have sex is important. If they do not want sex at all though, there are still ways to work with that.  

Address unmet needs

Finding alternative ways to meet needs for intimacy and affection will look different in every relationship dynamic so do not be afraid to experiment. Some options are cuddling, making out, and sensual massages as alternative physical intimacy activities. Additionally, prioritizing activities that both partners find fulfilling outside physical intimacy can strengthen the emotional bond and intimacy. Another option is to consider opening up the relationship. If one partner wants more sex than the other, that need can be outsourced so everyone’s boundaries and needs are being respected. However, non-monogamy is not for everyone so make sure you do your research and talk about the pros and cons before diving in. That being said, for some, it is a way to honor each partner’s needs while preserving the relationship. In any relationship, it is crucial to address unmet needs to avoid resentment or incompatibility which starts with clear communication. This does not always come naturally to everyone and if this is the case, sex therapy can help.  

Try sex therapy

Sex therapy is a valuable resource for mixed-orientation relationships. Sex therapists are professionally trained to help people navigate sexual concerns and improve communication, which is exactly what this sort of situation requires. In sex therapy, partners can explore alternative forms of physical intimacy and develop strategies for addressing sexual discrepancies in a supportive environment. Sex therapists can also provide education about asexuality and help partners understand one another’s perspectives more deeply.

Takeaway

Mixed-orientation relationships are absolutely possible to navigate with patience, understanding, and open communication. Asexuality, as a spectrum, encompasses a variety of experiences and it is essential for both partners to respect and validate each others’ identities and needs. By communicating, addressing unmet needs, and considering sex therapy, the relationship has the best odds of honoring everyone’s needs.  

Additional Resources

• Relationship FAQ | The Asexual Visibility and Education Network 

• What Does It Mean to Be Asexual? 

• 14 Things to Know About Dating as an Asexual Person 

• What Is Asexuality: Myths and Truths About Being Asexual 

• Is Asexuality Even Real? | YouTube

• Understanding the Asexual Community | Human Rights Campaign 

• Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexual Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture by Sherronda J. Brown 

• Curious About Differences in Desire? Here Are 3 Tips to Address Desire Discrepancy

• Is A Relationship Just Friendship With Sex? 

• Being Ace: An Anthology of Queer, Trans, Femme, and Disabled Stories of Asexual Love and Connection by Madeline Dyer  

What Are the Key Factors for Better Intimacy & Deeper Connections with My Partner

Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

Intimacy is a fundamental aspect of human relationships that goes beyond physical closeness and sexual interactions. It's about connecting on multiple levels, fostering trust, and building strong bonds. In this blog post, we will explore five types of intimacy: physical intimacy (non-sexual touch), sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, and spiritual intimacy. We'll define each type, provide examples, and offer tips for nurturing these forms of intimacy.

What is Physical Intimacy?

Physical intimacy involves expressing affection and closeness through non-sexual touch. It includes a spectrum of gestures, from a gentle touch on the arm to a warm embrace. These actions convey love, connection, and a sense of physical presence. Simple acts like holding hands, cuddling, giving massages, dancing, or enjoying a spa day together contribute to physical intimacy.

How to Build Physical Intimacy

Rekindling physical intimacy often requires taking small, deliberate steps. Initiating physical contact through gestures like holding hands is a gentle approach. Gradually progressing to more intimate actions allows both partners to rebuild the connection at a comfortable pace. Open communication is crucial for expressing desires and boundaries. Additionally, couples can explore various activities that involve physical touch to strengthen their bond.

What is Sexual Intimacy?

Sexual intimacy involves the physical act of sexual expression, including intercourse, while emphasizing emotional connection and mutual desire. Beyond the physical aspects, it is about sharing vulnerability and creating a deep emotional bond through intimate moments.

How to Build Sexual Intimacy

The foundation of sexual intimacy lies in trust, open communication, and consent. Partners can build intimacy by discussing desires, boundaries, and preferences openly, creating a safe space for exploration. Regular date nights provide opportunities to nurture the emotional connection and discuss ways to enhance the sexual aspect of the relationship. Communication about needs and concerns is vital, and seeking professional guidance can help address any underlying issues.

What is Emotional Intimacy?

Emotional intimacy is the profound connection that emerges when individuals are open and vulnerable with each other. It involves sharing deep thoughts, feelings, fears and desires with a sense of trust and safety. In emotionally intimate relationships, individuals feel comfortable being their true selves, free from judgment or rejection.

How to Build Emotional Intimacy

Building emotional intimacy requires vulnerability, open communication, active listening, and the prioritization of quality time. Partners can strengthen their emotional bond by understanding and accepting each other on a profound emotional level. Creating a space where both individuals feel heard and valued fosters empathy, compassion, and an enduring sense of closeness.

What is Intellectual Intimacy?

Intellectual intimacy arises when two individuals share ideas, engage in stimulating conversations, and challenge each other intellectually. It involves appreciating each other's minds, perspectives, and the unique ways in which they think.

How to Build Intellectual Intimacy

Intellectual intimacy thrives on deep conversations about beliefs, values, and interests. Engaging in shared activities that stimulate the mind and respecting each other's differences contribute to the development of intellectual intimacy. Regularly challenging each other's thoughts in a respectful manner fosters a connection built on mutual intellectual appreciation.

What is Spiritual Intimacy?

Spiritual intimacy goes beyond religious beliefs, encompassing shared values, a sense of purpose, and the pursuit of growth. It can include both religious and non-religious aspects, forming a deep connection between two individuals.

How to Build Spiritual Intimacy

For religious spirituality, couples can attend religious services or events together, pray or meditate together, and engage in discussions about how their beliefs guide their lives. For non-religious spirituality, exploring mindfulness and meditation together, sharing personal philosophies and values, and participating in activities that connect with nature or the universe contribute to the development of spiritual intimacy. Regularly revisiting and reinforcing shared values and goals helps strengthen the spiritual connection between partners.

Takeaway

Intimacy is a multifaceted concept that encompasses various aspects of connection and vulnerability. Each type of intimacy can play a crucial role in building and maintaining healthy, fulfilling relationships. By understanding these different forms of intimacy and actively working to cultivate them, you can create stronger, more meaningful bonds with your loved ones. If you want to bring up intimacy concerns with a partner, I suggest a strengths-based approach by starting with the types of intimacy you feel are strong and present in the relationship. Instead of putting energy into talking about the lack of intimacy, redirect that energy into ideas and planning activities to build the aspects of intimacy in your relationship that have room to grow.

What to Know Before Sharing Sexual Fantasies With a Partner

Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

Fantasies are a natural part of human sexuality. They can be exciting, fulfilling, and even play a crucial role in maintaining a healthy and satisfying intimate relationship. However, sharing your fantasies with a partner can be a delicate matter. In this blog, we will explore the intricacies of sharing fantasies, addressing the questions of whether you should tell your partner about your fantasies, the best ways to open up to your partner, and how to deal with obsessive sexual thoughts. We'll also emphasize the importance of understanding that fantasies are not necessarily a reflection of unmet sexual needs or dissatisfaction.

Fantasy Is Not Reality

Before we dive into the details of sharing fantasies, it's essential to understand that what makes a fantasy a fantasy is precisely that it is not reality. Fantasies are products of our imagination, shaped by desires, curiosities, and the freedom to explore scenarios that may never come to fruition in our daily lives. Some are even impossible to play out in real life. Importantly, fantasies do not inherently indicate any deficiencies in our sexual relationships or unfulfilled needs. Embracing this concept can alleviate any anxieties you may have about sharing your fantasies and help you appreciate them as a unique aspect of your sexuality.

Should I Tell My Partner About My Fantasy?

The decision to share your fantasies with your partner is a personal one and depends on various factors including your level of comfort, trust, and the nature of your relationship. Here are some tips to help you decide:

Assess Trust and Communication Strength 

A strong foundation of trust and open communication is vital in any relationship. If you feel safe and secure with your partner, sharing your fantasies can enhance intimacy and deepen your connection.

Engage in Mutual Exploration

Sharing fantasies can be an exciting way to explore each other's desires and deepen your sexual connection. It can lead to discovering shared interests and preferences, which can improve your overall sexual satisfaction.

Respect One Another’s Boundaries

It's crucial to respect your partner's boundaries. Not everyone is comfortable hearing about explicit fantasies, so approach the conversation with sensitivity. Gauge their reaction and be prepared to stop or adjust the conversation if they seem uncomfortable.

Center Consent

Always ensure that any fantasies you wish to explore involve consensual activities. Consent is paramount in any sexual exploration, so that all partners can feel comfortable and enthusiastic about trying new things.

How do I Share my Fantasies with my Partner?

Sharing your fantasies with your partner can be a fulfilling experience if done with care and consideration. Here's a step-by-step guide on how to approach this conversation.

1. Choose the Right Time and Place.

Find a quiet, private setting where both you and your partner can feel relaxed and comfortable. Timing matters too. Avoid discussing sensitive topics during arguments or stressful moments. During these moments, you or your partner may be emotionally flooded and find it difficult to navigate the topic in a way that feels good to both of you.

2. Express Your Desires Clearly.

Clearly and honestly communicate your fantasies. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and desires without placing blame or pressure on your partner. Remember that the point of this is to share your desires, not to project guilt onto your partner for not meeting these previously uncommunicated needs. If your partner feels blame and pressure coming from you, it could work against your hopes for being understood and may inhibit future conversations.

3. Listen Actively.

Encourage your partner to share their thoughts and feelings about your fantasies. Active listening fosters understanding and empathy, making it easier to find common ground.

4. Stay Open to Feedback.

Your partner may have their own fantasies, ideas, or reactions. Be receptive to their input and consider how you can mutually explore new experiences together. It can be vulnerable to share your innermost sexual desires. If they respond by sharing their own desires, be prepared to respond to them in a way that you would hope they respond to you. Curiosity keeps doors open, judgment and reactivity tend to close them.

5. Take It Slow.

Don't rush into acting on your fantasies. Take your time to build trust and ensure both you and your partner are comfortable with any new experiences.

How Do I Address Obsessive Thoughts About Fantasies?

While fantasies are a healthy part of human sexuality, they can sometimes become obsessive or intrusive. Here are some strategies to manage obsessive thoughts about your fantasies:

Self-Reflect

Take some time to reflect on the nature of your fantasies. Are they causing distress or interfering with your daily life? Are they getting in the way of completing work or other day-to-day functioning? Understanding your own feelings and their impact on your functioning can be the first step in addressing obsessive thoughts.

Seek Professional Help

If obsessive thoughts about your fantasies are causing you significant distress or affecting your mental health, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and support tailored to your specific situation.

Communicate Clearly

If you feel comfortable, discuss your obsessive thoughts with your partner. They may offer emotional support and understanding, helping you alleviate any concerns.

Engage in Mindfulness or Distraction

Engaging in mindfulness techniques or distracting activities when obsessive thoughts arise can be effective in managing them. Redirect your focus to the present moment or immerse yourself in a different activity.

Takeaway

Sharing fantasies with your partner can be a rewarding journey that deepens your intimacy and connection. Approach the conversation with sensitivity and prioritize open communication. The beauty of fantasy lies in its divergence from reality. Remember that your fantasies are a part of your individuality, not a reflection of any inadequacies in your relationship. By sharing your fantasies, you may discover new dimensions to your intimacy and embark on exciting adventures together.