Disclosing an STI: Tips on How to Tell Partners

Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

Beginning a new romantic relationship can be an exciting and nerve-racking experience. As you get to know someone on a deeper level, it's natural to consider when and how to disclose personal information, including your sexual health status. If you have a sexually transmitted infection (STI), the question of when to disclose can feel daunting. This blog will discuss some considerations for navigating disclosure and finding the right time to share your STI status with a partner. Here are some things to consider before disclosing:

Understand the Importance of Disclosure  

The first step in navigating disclosure is understanding the importance of being honest and transparent with your partner about your STI status. Some people may wonder, do I legally need to disclose my STI? In some jurisdictions, disclosing your STI status is an ethical responsibility and a legal requirement. It allows your partner to make informed decisions about their sexual health, such as choosing a partner, understanding potential health risks, and taking necessary precautions, like using condoms or other barrier methods and keeping an eye out for sores, redness, or other STI symptoms. Additionally, open and honest communication about sexual health fosters trust and intimacy in a relationship.

Educate Yourself about Your STI

Educating yourself about your STI before disclosing your status is important. Understand how it's transmitted, the potential symptoms, treatment options, and ways to reduce the risk of transmission. This will enable you to have an informed conversation with your potential partner and answer any questions they may have.

Consider the Timing

When it comes to disclosure, timing is crucial. There's no one-size-fits-all answer as to when is the "right" time to disclose, as it depends on the dynamics of each relationship. Oftentimes, it can be helpful to have the conversation outside of a sexually charged environment and when both partners appear to be in an amiable mood. It's generally recommended to have a chat before any sexual activity occurs. This allows you and your partner to make informed decisions about the level of risk you're comfortable with. In contrast, having the conversation right before sex or after sex may produce mistrust between partners.

Create a Safe Space for Conversation  

You may be asking yourself if it is okay to disclose via text. Texting may not be the best option unless you are questioning your safety due to revealing it. Creating a safe conversation space is important when you decide to tell your STI status. Choose a private and neutral setting where you and your partner can feel comfortable and relaxed. Be open, non-judgmental, and willing to listen to their concerns or questions. Remember that the conversation should be two-way, allowing both parties to express their feelings and concerns.

Be Honest and Transparent

Honesty and transparency are the values at the heart of this concept we are exploring. Provide accurate information about your STI, including how you acquired it, if you're currently on treatment, and what steps you take to manage it. Avoid any temptation to downplay or minimize your STI status, as this can erode trust in the relationship.

For example, your conversation may sound like, “I want to have an open and honest conversation with you because I value our relationship and believe in transparency. Recently, I was diagnosed with [specific STI]. I want you to know I am taking proactive steps to manage my health, including following the recommended treatment plan and practicing safe sex. I understand the importance of disclosing this information to you so that you can make informed decisions about your health. I am here to answer any questions you may have and respect whatever decision you make moving forward. Our health and well-being are both important, and I believe that open communication is crucial in maintaining trust and understanding in our relationship.”

Anticipate Reactions and Prepare for Possible Outcomes

You may wonder if disclosing your STI will be a dealbreaker for your relationship. It's important to be prepared for various reactions from your potential partner when disclosing your STI status. They may have questions, concerns, or emotional responses. They may need time to process the information, seek further information, or discuss it with their healthcare provider. Be patient and understanding, allowing them to process their feelings.

Respect Your Partner's Decision

After disclosing your STI status, you must respect your partner's decision, whatever it may be. They may choose to continue the relationship with appropriate precautions, or they may decide that they're not comfortable moving forward sexually. Respecting their boundaries and choices without pressuring or guilt-tripping them is important. Remember that everyone has the right to decide about their sexual health.

Take Necessary Precautions

You may wonder if it is safe to continue dating someone who has disclosed an STI. If you and your partner are sexually active, consider taking precautions to prevent the transmission of STIs. This may include using condoms or other barrier methods, getting regular STI screenings, and following recommended treatment plans, such as taking an antiviral, if applicable. It's important to communicate openly with your partner about sexual health and continuously assess and mitigate the risk of transmission.

Prioritize Self-Care

Living with an STI can be emotionally challenging, and disclosure can bring up a lot of emotions. It's essential to prioritize self-care and seek support when needed. This may include talking to a therapist, joining support groups, or confiding in trusted friends or family members. Taking care of your emotional well-being can help you navigate disclosure and build healthy relationships.

Remember That Your STI Does Not Define You 

So is having an STI a big deal? It's important to remember that your STI status does not define your worth and value. Having an STI does not make you any less deserving of love, respect, and fulfilling relationships. It's just one aspect of your life. Be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion as you navigate disclosure and relationships.

Takeaway

Disclosing your STI status to a sexual partner can be a challenging but necessary step in building healthy relationships. With open communication, mutual respect, and understanding, building meaningful and fulfilling relationships is possible while managing your sexual health. Remember that every situation is unique, and it's essential to consult with a healthcare professional or a qualified therapist for personalized guidance and support in navigating disclosure and managing your sexual health.

Sexual Senescence: How Sexuality Changes with Age and What to Do About It

The only constant in life is change and sexuality is no exception. Over the course of a lifetime, a litany of factors will affect one’s sexuality and relationship with sex, including, but not limited to, age, biological sex, physical ability, hormonal changes, life circumstances, body image, and trauma. Even though it is common for one’s sexuality to evolve over a lifetime, the relationship between aging and sex, sometimes referred to as “sexual senescence,” remains shrouded in taboo and misconceptions. One such ageist misconception is that seniors do not experience sexual desire or have sex. This is an inaccurate assessment, many seniors do maintain a thriving sex life. In fact, many people feel that they have a more fulfilling sex life in older age because they know more about what they like and how to communicate it. This article is for seniors who want to have sex but are feeling limited by the effects of senescence. It will discuss the common limitations for seniors interested in having sex and how to address them.     

How does sex change with age?

Changes in sexual function are a common part of the aging process, though they are not universally experienced in the same way by all individuals. The impact of menopause and andropause is a key factor influencing sexual health and desire in later life. Medically speaking, menopause officially begins 12 months after a menstruating person’s last period. That being said, menopause is preceded by perimenopause, which can also present with symptoms that are disruptive to your sex life like lower libido. Menopausal people might experience vaginal dryness, atrophy, or a drop in estrogen levels, which can impact their enjoyment of sex. Similarly, andropausal people may experience a drop in testosterone levels and accordingly, erectile dysfunction which could impact their enjoyment of sex.

How can I improve my sexual health during aging?

Fortunately, there are some interventions to help with these hormonal changes. Lubricants, regular moisturizing, longer foreplay and estrogen therapy can help relieve vaginal dryness brought on by menopause. Andropause can cause erectile dysfunction which can be addressed with medications and healthful habits. Such medical interventions include testosterone therapy and oral medications like sildenafil or tadalafil. Consider talking to your doctor about your specific concerns and how to best address them.

Does sexual dysfunction increase with age?

Due to hormonal changes and other factors such as disability, medication, and energy levels, low libido is not uncommon among seniors. Depending on the cause of your low libido, the intervention will look different. Fortunately, you do not have to simply resign yourself to these obstacles and there are options for addressing low libido and desire discrepancy in a relationship.  

How do you maintain sexual health in older age?

Since conception is often less relevant in late adulthood, some people are tempted to take fewer precautions to practice safer sex. Unfortunately, age does not protect people from contracting sexually transmitted infections. This means it’s still important to use safer sex practices. Condoms, vaccinations, and regular testing are great ways to minimize the risk of STI transmission. 

 An active, fulfilling sex life is possible at any age. What is normal for one person or partnership varies, so it is most important to figure out how to approach sexuality as you age based on your specific needs. Remember that penetrative sex is not the only way to be intimate with someone. You could explore using sex toys, trying more solo and/or mutual masturbation, giving each other massages, oral sex, or skin to skin cuddling. As your needs, wants, and capabilities evolve, your approach to addressing them has to evolve too. If you have limitations due to aging that prevent you from engaging in specific sexual activities, that does not mean forgoing a great sex life.   

Takeaways

The most important part of navigating your evolving relationship with sexuality is to keep an open line of communication between you and your partner(s) about what you want and what works best for you in approaching your sex life. If you need emotional and logistical support figuring out how to supplement your sex life, consider working with a therapist.    

Am I Addicted to Sex, or are my Sexual Behaviors Out-of-Control? What’s the Difference?

Written by Seth Taylor, ALMFT

Sexual behavior is a complex and multifaceted aspect of human experience that can vary significantly from person to person. When it comes to understanding and addressing problematic sexual behaviors, professionals use different models to conceptualize and treat these issues. Two commonly used models include the sex addiction model and the out-of-control sexual behavior model. This article will explore the key differences between these two models and clarify their unique approaches and perspectives.

Exploring the Sex Addiction Model

The sex addiction model is based on the belief that problematic sexual behaviors are akin to addiction, with individuals engaging in compulsive and out-of-control sexual behaviors despite adverse consequences. This model views problematic sexual behaviors as an addiction, with individuals exhibiting similar behavior patterns to those seen in substance addiction. It often focuses on the belief that individuals lack control over their sexual behaviors and engage in them to cope with emotional distress or other underlying issues.

The sex addiction model typically involves a 12-step program or similar approach adapted from addiction recovery models. It may include abstinence from certain sexual behaviors, as well as attending support groups, therapy, and working on relapse prevention strategies. Treatment may also involve addressing underlying psychological, emotional, or relational issues that may contribute to the addictive patterns of sexual behavior.

Exploring the Out-of-Control Sexual Behavior Model

The out-of-control sexual behavior model, on the other hand, views problematic sexual behaviors as a symptom of an underlying issue rather than an addiction. This model emphasizes the lack of impulse control or difficulties regulating sexual behavior but does not necessarily categorize it as an addiction. It views problematic sexual behaviors as a coping mechanism for unmet emotional needs, unresolved trauma, or other underlying psychological, emotional, or relational issues.

The out-of-control sexual behavior model typically involves a therapeutic approach that addresses the underlying issues contributing to problematic sexual behaviors. This may include exploring and resolving past traumas, developing healthy coping skills, improving emotional regulation, and managing relational dynamics that may impact sexual behaviors. It may also involve discussing and challenging unhealthy beliefs or patterns of thinking related to sexuality and relationships.

What are key differences between these two models?

1. Conceptualization of Problematic Sexual Behaviors

The sex addiction model views problematic sexual behaviors as an addiction, with individuals lacking control and engaging in compulsive behaviors despite negative consequences. The out-of-control sexual behavior model, on the other hand, considers problematic sexual behaviors as a symptom of an underlying issue, such as emotional distress or unresolved trauma.

2. Approach to Treatment

The sex addiction model often involves a 12-step or similar program focusing on abstinence from certain sexual behaviors and recovery strategies adapted from addiction recovery. The out-of-control sexual behavior model addresses underlying psychological, emotional, or relational issues that contribute to problematic sexual behaviors; this approach involves developing healthy coping skills in therapy. Both approaches are informed by the conceptualization of the behavior by both the client and the therapist.

3. Language and Terminology

The sex addiction model uses language and terminology commonly associated with addiction, such as "addiction," "compulsion," and "relapse." The out-of-control sexual behavior model uses language that reflects a lack of impulse control or difficulties regulating sexual behavior without necessarily categorizing it as an addiction.

4. Emphasis on Underlying Issues

The sex addiction model views the behavior as the problem with limited exploration of other potential underlying issues. Essentially, it’s approached by working to eliminate the behavior, and then other problems will resolve themselves once you can control your sexual addiction. The out-of-control sexual behavior model significantly addresses the underlying psychological, cognitive, emotional, and relational issues that may contribute to problematic sexual behaviors. This may involve exploring past traumas, addressing emotional regulation skills, working on relational dynamics, and challenging unhealthy beliefs or patterns of thinking related to sexuality and relationships. Contrary to the sex addiction model, this model suggests that the behavior developed as a coping strategy for the other underlying issues at play but that the behavior itself may not be problematic in isolation.

Takeaway

When addressing problematic sexual behaviors, it's essential to recognize that professionals use different models and approaches. The sex addiction model and the out-of-control sexual behavior model are two common perspectives, each with unique conceptualizations and treatment approaches. It's essential to understand the differences between these models to decide which approach may be more suitable for an individual's needs.

If you're wrestling with problematic sexual behaviors, seeking professional help from a qualified therapist or counselor is essential. A trained professional can conduct a thorough assessment, understand the unique factors contributing to the issue, and develop a tailored treatment plan based on the individual's needs and circumstances. Whether it's the sex addiction or the out-of-control sexual behavior model, therapy aims to provide support, guidance, and tools to help individuals address the underlying issues and develop healthy coping strategies for managing their sexual behaviors.

Not everyone agrees on the concept of sex addiction, and there is an ongoing debate within the field of psychology regarding its validity as a diagnostic category. Some professionals may align more with the out-of-control sexual behavior model, the sex addiction model, or alternative approaches. It's essential to approach this topic openly and discuss any questions or concerns with a qualified therapist or counselor before beginning treatment.