What is DTR? How to Define the Relationship and When to have the Conversation

Dating is an exciting experience that often comes with uncertainty. A common challenge while dating is the need to define the relationship, otherwise known by the slang term “DTR”. Making sure you and any potential partner are on the same page is integral to the success of the relationship. The DTR conversation is a pivotal moment where the people involved in the relationship get to discuss and establish expectations, commitments, intentions, and desires. It can help the individuals involved gain clarity and avoid misunderstandings, laying the groundwork for a healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship. This article provides guidance on how to approach DTR conversations, what to discuss, and the appropriate timing for this important discussion. 

How do you have a DTR conversation? 

When most people think of a DTR conversation, they envision a casual dating scenario transitioning into a long term, monogamous relationship but this does not necessarily need to be the case. The only unifying trait of all DTR conversations is the ultimate result, but the desire to ensure everyone is on the same page about the future of the relationship.  

Bringing up the DTR conversation can be nerve racking because of the uncertainty. No one wants to be rejected and having a DTR conversation risks rejection and conflict. Unfortunately, if you would like the relationship to continue, the DTR conversation is inevitable.  

Once you feel ready to have the conversation, you may not necessarily know how to go about it. Here are some tips for fostering an effective conversation:

Find a comfortable, private space without distractions.

This is an important conversation that deserves everyone’s full attention, so having a private and comfortable space helps to set the tone.

Be genuine and honest.

Being vulnerable is scary but if you cannot be open and honest, it is unrealistic to expect that you will get full honesty in return.

Avoid making assumptions.

It is tempting to try to “mindread” what someone else is thinking or feeling about you when you have not had the opportunity to hear those thoughts from them firsthand. The danger of making and expressing those assumptions, however, is that if they are wrong it could insult the person or complicate the conversation.

Use “I” statements.

Framing your thoughts and questions from your own perspective and emotions can prevent coming across confrontational or accusatory. 

What do you need to discuss in a DTR conversation? 

Once you have an idea of how to prepare for this conversation, you might be wondering what you need to discuss specifically. Topics to consider touching on include:

• Exclusivity and/or monogamy. Discuss whether you want to be exclusive and monogamous or practice some form of non-monogamy.

• Commitment level. Decide what level of responsibility you have to each other and what committing means. Are you looking for something serious and long term or casual and short term? What responsibility do you expect from each other?

• Relationship goals. It is important to express to each other what you envision in your future and how a partner would - or would not - ideally fit into your life. Some people, for example, want marriage and/or kids, while others see themselves casually dating for the foreseeable future. Understanding each other’s short and long term goals will help ensure you are on the same page about the future of the relationship. 

The timing for the conversation is unique to each relationship. Oftentimes DTR conversations occur once an emotional connection and/or romantic feelings have developed. Ideally, these conversations happen as soon as possible to open up the line of communication and promote clarity. 

Similarly to the timing, the script you use will depend on your relationship dynamics and the level of comfort between you and your partner. That being said, here are some conversation starters:

“I have really been enjoying spending time with you. I would love to sit down and talk about where we see this relationship going.”

“I feel uncertain of where our relationship is headed and it would be helpful to talk about it with you so we can both get clarity.”

“I value our relationship and want to make sure we are on the same page. Can we have a conversation about what we both want and expect from this?” 

Communication is a fundamental part of any healthy relationship and the way your DTR conversation goes can be an indicator for how compatible your communication styles are. There is no right or wrong answer, so listen to your gut and keep in mind what you want; if you get a disappointing answer from your partner in a DTR conversation, you do not need to settle. If you are unsure of what you want or how to figure it out, consider speaking with a therapist.    

Sugar Dating: What to Know About Sugar Babies and Sugar Daddies

Sugar dating is a mutually beneficial relationship dynamic that involves financial benefits in exchange for companionship. Sugar daddies and mommies will give sugar babies money, experiences, networking, and/or gifts in exchange for companionship and/or intimacy. Each individual dynamic is unique to the people involved, and therefore the specifics of the exchange vary as well. Sometimes the exchange involves sex and physical intimacy, while others involve only companionship. The most common pairing is an older, wealthy man and a younger woman, but people of all ages and genders can participate in sugar dating. Sugar dating is particularly popular among college students looking for financial support for school. In this blog, we will explore the concept of sugar dating, risks, and safety tips for people interested in being a sugar baby.   

How much do sugar babies make from sugar dating?

This part of sugar dating is, once again, unique to the people involved. Arrangements can involve a pay-per-date model, a consistent monthly allowance, networking and mentorship, and/or non-cash gifts. While the details of each arrangement cause a sugar baby’s income to vary greatly, it is estimated that sugar babies earn an average of $2800 USD per month from a sugar parent. It is up to the people in the relationship to decide what exchange makes the most sense. Some sugar babies need consistent financial assistance, while others are simply seeking a more lavish lifestyle. These different motivations will affect the compensation a sugar baby is seeking. For a sugar parent, considerations for what they want to provide include their income and what they want out of a sugaring relationship.    

What are the risks of sugar dating and how do sugar babies stay safe?  

As with any dynamic involving intimacy, such as non-sugar dating, there will be risks due to the vulnerability involved. The nature of the exchange, almost exclusively involving an economically stable person with an economically unstable person, which inherently creates a power imbalance. The danger of this is that it can lead to harassment, assault, and manipulation. Most of the dangers, however, are not unique to sugar dating, but when monetary gain and a power imbalance are involved, it is especially important to be vigilant about safety. That being said, there are also many instances of safe, healthy sugar dating practices.

Here are some tips to help sugar babies stay safe while sugar dating:

1. Meet for the first time in a public place and handle your own transportation to and from the date. Tell a trusted person where you will be and share your location, if possible.

2. Video chat or call the potential sugar parent before meeting in person. Calling is a good way to get a sense of a person’s personality and will also give you a better gut feeling about whether or not you can trust them, as opposed to over text.

3. Use a Google Voice number instead of your cell number. Using an alternative phone number for your sugaring life helps you maintain separation between that and the rest of your life. Furthermore, it avoids giving an unknown individual a piece of private information that can be used to look you up or find additional details about you.

4. Maintain a degree of privacy about your personal life. You do not have to share every aspect of your life with a sugar parent. You can choose to use an alias and decide to keep details like where you live and the name of your school or workplace. In the event that things go south, a sugar parent can use these details against you.

5. Keep an eye out for scammers. Money is a big incentive for many people, and scammers prey on that to manipulate potential sugar babies and get money from them. These scams use a few different methods, such as making a fake transaction that is later contested by the scammer, asking for gift cards, or acquiring a sugar baby’s bank account details.

6. Stick to your boundaries, including not ignoring red flags solely because of potential financial gain. Though it is tempting to compromise on your gut feeling when a potential influx of money is on the line, gut feelings and boundaries exist for a reason; it is unwise to ignore them. This is easier said than done, especially for people who need the supplemental income for necessities. However, it puts you at the risk of being scammed and/or harmed.

7. Never provide your bank information to a sugar parent. Use services like Paypal or Venmo instead.Sugar dating is an alternative approach to traditional relationships, where financial support and companionship intertwine into an exchange. While sugar dating can be a lucrative opportunity for some, it is essential to navigate this dynamic with caution and prioritize personal safety. By maintaining personal boundaries and utilizing the outlined safety tips, sugar babies can strive for a safe and mutually beneficial sugar dating experience.

Ultimately, sugar dating is a personal choice that requires careful consideration, open communication, and the ability to establish clear boundaries to ensure a positive and secure experience for all parties involved.   

How Can I Better Manage Fear and Rejection or the Vulnerability in a Relationship?

Vulnerability is a powerful tool for interpersonal connection at the cost of being incredibly scary for most people. The fearfulness around being vulnerable is understandable. Sharing your intimate thoughts and feelings to others when there is no guarantee of a positive reaction is not an easy thing to do. 

Why is vulnerability so hard?

The nature of vulnerability, in that it requires you to share something you feel shame about, is that it will be difficult. You are intentionally putting yourself at the risk of being hurt to gain the opportunity to be understood and to connect more deeply with others. If what you are divulging is not hard or scary, it is not an act of true vulnerability. In fact, the dictionary definition of ‘vulnerable’ is “capable of being physically or emotionally wounded”. Despite the daunting nature of vulnerability, it is an integral part of forging deep personal relationships. It fosters mutual empathy, trust, and understanding, all of which are vital for building and maintaining healthy, long term relationships.

What does vulnerability have to do with rejection?

Vulnerability and rejection are inevitable parts of the human experience, so it is important to know how to manage the complicated feelings that can arise as a result of these experiences. Here are a few approaches you can try:

Remember that rejection does not define you as a person or affect your worth

Vulnerability researcher Brené Brown highlights the importance of self-worth in her TedTalk, saying “There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of… belonging and the people who really struggle for it… people who have a strong sense of… belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging.” There is a study that demonstrates that people with higher self-esteem emotionally suffer less when confronted with rejection. Of course, believing you are worthy is much easier said than done. Psychotherapy, self-worth activity worksheets, and positive affirmations are some solid strategies for increasing your self-worth.

Focus on what you could gain, not what you could lose

While vulnerability and risking rejection are scary to practice, they can also lead to new opportunities and stronger relationships. When faced with an opportunity to be vulnerable, try to reframe your thinking from assuming the worst case scenario and instead turn your attention to what you might gain. As opposed to something like “what if I ask my friend out on a date and they don’t want to be my friend anymore?,” reframe this thought to something like “what if I ask my friend out on a date and they say yes and we start a wonderful romantic relationship?” Like anything, positive thinking takes practice and it will not be what your brain automatically jumps to the first time you try it, but after a while your thinking and perspective start to shift. 

Avoid making assumptions about other people’s motivations

Particularly when rejection is not accompanied by an explanation, it is easy to let your mind run wild with all the things you might have done wrong to “deserve” such a response. This is a valid reaction, but not a fruitful one. It’s not possible to guess what is going through someone else’s mind unless they explicitly explain it and even then, miscommunication is always a possibility. Assuming the worst, that the person hates you or that there is something wrong with you, will only fuel your anxiety around the situation. There is a study that shows that positive thinking increases resilience to daily stressors. This means that the more you work to shift your anxious thoughts to positive thoughts, the better you will be able to cope with the anxiety-provoking stressor. When those thoughts come up, acknowledge them and try to let them pass by or counter them by reminding yourself that their behavior has no bearing on your worth, regardless of their motivations.  

Keep picking yourself up and putting yourself out there

Perhaps the most difficult and most essential part of managing your fear of rejection is exposure to it. When you experience the pain of rejection, it is a natural instinct to want to put up emotional walls to avoid being hurt again. Unfortunately, this will have the undesirable side effect of preventing you from forging close relationships. You have to let yourself grieve and work through your feelings in order to move on. Being repeatedly exposed to an anxiety-provoking stimulus may be necessary in order to decrease anxiety. Crying, journaling, grounding yourself in nature, or doing whatever else feels cathartic for your negative emotions can help you process this experience and allow you to move forward. Perhaps with enough distance from the painful experience, you can even appreciate what it taught you and how it helped you grow. 

Vulnerability is undoubtedly challenging, as it requires us to expose our innermost selves without any guarantee of a positive outcome. This is especially true for those who have trauma or are neurodivergent, and it’s much easier said than done. Neurodivergent people are prone to challenges being vulnerable due to several factors including Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, Trauma, and different communication styles than their neurotypical counterparts. However, it is through this very act of vulnerability that we open the doors to deep and meaningful connections with others. Even the challenge itself and the painful experience of being rejected is important for self-growth and building emotional resilience. If you are experiencing challenges with vulnerability or rejection, consider seeking out support from a mental health professional. By embracing vulnerability, we can foster empathy, trust, and understanding, which are essential elements for building and nurturing healthy, long-lasting relationships.